Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

@gannett

She literally asked him about it and he lied to her face...

Do you understand how shame and stigma might cause someone to lie? When they feel that telling the truth would cause them to be rejected by everyone in their life? Would you accuse your child of lying if they came out to you having previously denied being gay?

She's not having a sexual relationship with her child.

Many women are okay with cross dressing. It's not the OP's issue that she isn't and the fact that he didn't give her the opportunity to make an informed choice is not okay.

We talked and I asked if he could only do it in private-on his own turf so to speak-and not in front of my children

He said that wasn’t ok-he had every right to dress as he wanted,where he wanted and in front of anyone

Shudder.

So glad you stuck to your boundaries. Any man who wants to enact his sexual fetish in front of children is a clear danger.

The double standards here absolutely shameful.

Women can Cross dress into male clothes and it is socially acceptable in the West ( not so elsewhere so it is a cultural thing)

So why can't males cross dress into female clothes and what not ?!?!?

If he has all those amazing qualities that you describe then it's a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face op.

You should look into being non judgemental and count your blessings and look into societal norms and be empathic.

Basically if you cannot stomach his natural ways then set him free to find someone who deserves him.

No matter what his reasons for cross dressing, or even that he lied to you- he probably wanted to avoid you thinking less of him, leaving etc. None of that actually matters.

What does matter is how you feel about it and whether you want his fetish in your life.

It is a fetish, it could lead to more, but that is nothing to do with you.

What you choose for your life is... just as he chooses for his.

So when you have that chat remember his reasons are his, you have no responsibility to accept them into your life. You don't have to understand or change your mind.

Good luck working through your feelings.

Women can Cross dress into male clothes and it is socially acceptable in the West ( not so elsewhere so it is a cultural thing)

A woman wearing a tailored pair of trousers at work, or jeans and a t shirt in the supermarket is entirely different from a man wearing hyper-feminine women’s clothing for the sole purpose of his sexual gratification.

You’re trying to infer equivalence where there is non. The distinction is obvious.

There is zero parallel between women wearing practical clothes in public and men getting turned on my wearing tangas and stockings under their clothes in secret.

There are no double standards here.
Telling someone not to be judgemental as you judge them however, is s pretty large double standard.

OP everyone has their boundaries in relationships and this is yours. Other women might be OK with it but you are not. you dont have to justify or explain it to anyone.

I found out after 23 years of marriage that my husband was cross dresser. He revealed that he had been using his mothers, sister, mine and our daughter's clothes to wear and pleasure himself in. To say that it has broken me, is an understatement. We are now divorced and have no contact, but the deceit is something very hard to get over.

I've since done a lot of research into Cross dressing and it's not something that goes away, ever.

I married a man, not Dame Edna and when I found out that he used to slide into bed next to me in stockings (when I was asleep) and wear panty liners, that was it.

I admire strong women who can live with men who are cross dressers, but sadly, the only woman they love is the one they are dressed as.

Feel free to inbox me.

I think it depends on what is going on for them psychologically. I had a boyfriend who was into forced feminisation which was a whole paraphilia that I had no idea existed. He couldn't separate that from the rest of his sexuality. It was an obsession that he couldn't keep out of our relationship and it ended quite quickly.

Your partner seems to have successfully kept it out of your sex life and so possibly could continue to do so. I think if it's not sexual for him then it could be an identity issue and I don't know if that makes it any better? Without talking to him, then I don't think you can understand what is driving this for him and whether you can both continue.

A woman dressing to look like an actual man as a proper kink, or even just day to day would very likely be an issue for a lot of men.
Thats not the same as women wearing unisex clothes

chocolatepie my husband loves me. Your experience is your own, with a different person.

A friend of mine caught her husband cross dressing after many years together. Discussed it, accepted it (as something he just needed to do, in private), stayed together. Some years later he went full woman - hormones, surgery etc. It may not be a gateway for some - for others it is. Only you know what is acceptable to you in your relationship. Good luck.

Newstar twaddle.

Women dress is so called men's clothes for comfort, in public, every day.

Men secretly wear women's clothes as a sexual turn on. Some do it in public. It has nothing to do with comfort etc.

Not talking skirts and shirts here, but knickers and clothing not cut for the male body. It's uncomfortable, feels wrong... that's the point.

Or is according to the old fashioned tranny I have known for the last 30+ years. His wife knew, she may well have met him when he was wearing a dress. His kids now know, have done for a decade or so.

OP doesn't have to understand or double think herself into acceptance!

This would be a deal breaker for me. Not because of the lying, because I can completely see why he lied.

BUT I couldn't find this attractive, even if done away from me. Therefore it would have to end. This is probably why he lied.

I think you'll need to have a good chat with him and explain that in his next relationship, he really should seek out a like minded or more open minded person as lying to the average woman isn't ever going to work out long term.

I'm so sorry. You must feel so let down. You finally find a decent man and now this! I couldnt tolerate it. It is a shame for you and your children.

It feels sometimes that the world is encroaching on anything women have as if our world isnt hard fought for and smaller than mens as it is. And we are just supposed to accept it.

Autogynephelia is when the man is attract to the woman he imagines himself to be. Different from cross dressers.

Most people with paraphelias are male. It's rare for women to have a kink because men act out their fantasies, women much less so. You never hear of a female cross dresser do you?

I don't want to be unfair to you, OP, but find it sad to read that your discovery provoked disgust, and the mentions of shame and that he wouldn't be a "decent" bloke because of it. You also seem to project a lot from previous relationships into this one.
This must have been a shock, but your love sounds very judgemental, and I would question whether you respected him before this.
Presumably he hasn't harmed anyone, and your life and relationship have been completely unaffected by this. I'm tempted to say it's private to him and he doesn't have to justify himself to you (let alone be ashamed!).

Just want to clarify I'm not saying you should accept it or stay with him. Just that if it's not for you, of course, leave, but him cross-dressing isn't wrong, immoral or disgusting in itself.

@gannett apples and oranges.

Being gay is a sexual orientation, not a paraphilia.

@Understatedhyperbole just to reiterate not that you need it - you DON’T need to accept any part of this and whatever your feelings are, they are valid.

I think some posters here need to remember that.

@Newstaronhorizon

The double standards here absolutely shameful.

Women can Cross dress into male clothes and it is socially acceptable in the West ( not so elsewhere so it is a cultural thing)

So why can't males cross dress into female clothes and what not ?!?!?

If he has all those amazing qualities that you describe then it's a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face op.

You should look into being non judgemental and count your blessings and look into societal norms and be empathic.

Basically if you cannot stomach his natural ways then set him free to find someone who deserves him.

I wear trousers and men’s sweatshirts a lot of the time - not because it turns me on, but because its comfortable. Eddie Izzard used to wear skirts, make up and high heels because he felt comfortable before he decided that it meant he was really a she. Wearing women’s underwear in secret as a sexual fetish is NOT the same in any way. AGPs do it because they get turned on at the image of themselves as women, not as men in women’s clothes. Its massively different.] One could argue that the ‘natural’ way to have sex is naked!

Some very silly responses here. Cross dressing and transgender issues are completely different things.

Ultimately, this is a matter for OP and her partner to discuss to work out if he’s okay keeping this part of his life out of the relationship, and if she’s okay with that. If so, what’s the issue?

OP, it doesn’t matter whether others would have the same boundary or not - everyone is different. Especially when it comes to their sexual preferences. You don’t have to defend them to anyone. For me, I couldn’t get over the fact that he knew it is a dealbreaker for you and chose to ignore that. Not okay.