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Original poster

Cross dressing - wise words needed

390 replies

Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 13:34

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

OP posts:
PixelatedLunchbox · 15/01/2021 14:14

There are a lot of things going on here - I think it's really important to approach him in kindness and with love - he isn't doing this to hurt you.

For me, the 'dealbreaker' would the answers to various questions: The most important question for me would be, does he want to transition or is this just something he gets a kick out of it? When he dresses as a woman is he doing it at home whilst alone? Or is he going out and hooking up with men?

If the answers to the above questions are acceptable, and everything else in your life together is good, I would consider couples therapy. Flowers

SuperHighway · 15/01/2021 14:14

@FinallyHere

I do see an essential unfairness about men cross dressing. I am clear that I am a woman, but am a very casual dresser. I live in jeans/leggings/t shirts. I own very few clothes than a man could not easily wear and no one noticed.

I don't consider myself a cross dresser and don't think anyone would ever think like that about my clothing choices, though I am sometimes occasionally 'encouraged' to be a bit 'tidier'. I do see an essential inequality here

But by wearing jeans and a t-shirt you're not pretending to be a man are you? I doubt you're masturbating in front of a mirror because you're turned on by an image of yourself as male. It's a fetish, a paraphilia. Grayson Perry admits this and has said transvestites don't want men to wear dresses and skirts just like women do, because for the fetish to work they need to know they're wearing the 'wrong' clothes - that's what they get off on.
OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 14:15

Unfortunately none of us here can answer your questions with any certainty. He’s the only one who can do that.

I’d only caution you against staying just because you don’t want another broken relationship under your belt. You’ll never be truly happy that way and you deserve to be truly happy.

Plus, a relationship- especially one with this type of elephant in the room - is no guarantee of stability anyway.

Flowers
FightingWithTheWind · 15/01/2021 14:17

The thing is nobody can tell you how to feel/or if this should be a dealbreaker because they are not you. It sounds like the biggest issue for you is the fact that he has lied to you, which is huge and you do need to be able to trust him. If he has managed to keep the cross dressing separate from your relationship so far, then there is no reason that it couldn't continue that way. But at the same time if this is a turn off for you and you don't think you can get past it then there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship to allow you both to find partners who you will be happy with which is something that you both deserve.

MrsBrunch · 15/01/2021 14:19

The things that would concern me would be

  1. The secrecy
  2. The possibility of other people being involved (online and/or irl)
  3. The chance of it creeping into the relationship
  4. The lack of trust going forward
OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 14:19

And don’t let anyone, on this thread or otherwise, make you feel bad for not being ok with it.

It’s already starting with the “poor hun, he doesn’t mean to lie” and “it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.”

That’s fine but it is absolutely, 100% ok for you NOT to be ok with it @Understatedhyperbole. For whatever reason!

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 14:31

I understand the shame around this - but the lying is not acceptable to me. I want a partner who puts me first and it’s not as if we are both teenagers or in our first relationship - he must now how important trust is by now.We have had so many conversations around my ex and how damaged I was by his affair (lots of gaslighting - him telling me I was being hormonal / paranoid). Sadly I think this is the point of no return.

I also love manly men - it’s just he way I am. I did wonder why he was so keen to shave off body hair as I love a hairy chest, but I guess I know why now.

Not going to stay out of fear of another failed relationship. I am just so sad that this has happened again and wondering if I somehow attract these men. I never go for ‘players’ and prefer kindness to swagger, but seem to end up with my heart broken and being lied to.

I do strongly suspect this is why his first marriage broke up as he has a difficult relationship with his ex (but she is very difficult - I know this from his boys who chat away about things she does and sometimes my jaw drops).

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 14:33

Of course you’re sad but this is nothing that you did!

I don’t think you’re putting anything out there to attract liars and cheats. You’ve just been really, really unfortunate. Sad

Nicolastuffedone · 15/01/2021 14:35

It would be a deal breaker for me. I wear jeans and t shirts too....still look like a woman though

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 14:35

He's a paraphiliac, op, and that's never going to change. He may say he can stop cross dressing, that he doesn't "need" to do it, but it will all be lies.

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 14:38

Thank you for your kind words everyone.

I know I will get over this and that it’s not my fault, but I feel so awful. I think the shock is wearing off and now there is just sadness.

What an absolutely shit time. I’d so love to escape somewhere or go and stay with friends for a few days.

OP posts:
MondayYogurt · 15/01/2021 14:41

Please take a moment to congratulate yourself for listening to your gut and acting on it instead of squashing down those reservations. It takes strength to do that, and you are stronger than you ever have been.

NameChaanged13579 · 15/01/2021 14:41

I discovered a year into my first marriage that my husband was a cross dresser. We were both very young, early 20s . Because I was so young, I thought the mature thing to do would be to move past it. He did it in secret and didn't rub my face in it but it gave me the ick and I couldn't get past it. I was ashamed that I was so immature, but ultimately the marriage failed.
Perhaps you could have a serious talk and perhaps preserve your friendship so that you can remain in each other's lives. Flowers

Blondey74 · 15/01/2021 14:42

I have some experience in this I dated someone who eventually shared he liked to cross dress, he didn’t want to be a woman, he wasn’t trans he got off on wearing lingerie, stockings. He very much liked how they felt on his skin and the textures of the fabric.
I was ok with it, I did buy him items and actually a pair of heels. I’ve seen him in it several times and I was accepting and open.
He’s in a serious relationship now and he knows she will never accept it, some people are not as open minded and he knows this. Once she moved in he was stuck what to do whether to throw it all away or hide it but did t like the idea of sneaking around putting it on so was prepared to stop.
We still speak from time to time but don’t bring this up!

Rainbowandscarlett · 15/01/2021 14:46

I’ve been here with my ex (we’ll gloss over the fact he was a twat)

I came home one day-And he was stood in the hallway dressed up as his alter ego

To say it was a bit of a shock is an understatement!

We talked and I asked if he could only do it in private-on his own turf so to speak-and not in front of my children

He said that wasn’t ok-he had every right to dress as he wanted,where he wanted and in front of anyone

We broke up

If he’d listened to me-the cross dressing didn’t bother me-it was the short skirt and pvc boots in front of my kids that did-we’d still be together

It was about setting boundaries that we where both happy with-yours will be different to mine-and that’s fine-but if he won’t listen then it’s time to let him go

Don’t allow yourself to be gaslighted-your boundaries are yours

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 14:48

@NameChaanged13579

I discovered a year into my first marriage that my husband was a cross dresser. We were both very young, early 20s . Because I was so young, I thought the mature thing to do would be to move past it. He did it in secret and didn't rub my face in it but it gave me the ick and I couldn't get past it. I was ashamed that I was so immature, but ultimately the marriage failed. Perhaps you could have a serious talk and perhaps preserve your friendship so that you can remain in each other's lives. Flowers
Sorry to hear about that - it must have been very difficult being so young. It would be lovely if we could be friends. Not sure how right now as feel so hurt and sad, but maybe with time. I guess it depends on how he responds when I ask him about it.
OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 15/01/2021 14:48

@RUOKHon

Research AGP - autogynaephilia. It's a paraphilia and often the stepping stone to becoming trans identified for older males. Good luck

Came here to say the same thing.

Also, you’re allowed to not be okay with this. Some people might try and woke-guilt you into being ‘open minded’, but if this is a turn off for you, then that’s totally fine. Draw your boundaries wherever they’re comfortable for YOU.

Brilliant advice - completely agree
Soontobe60 · 15/01/2021 14:57

@Blondey74

I have some experience in this I dated someone who eventually shared he liked to cross dress, he didn’t want to be a woman, he wasn’t trans he got off on wearing lingerie, stockings. He very much liked how they felt on his skin and the textures of the fabric. I was ok with it, I did buy him items and actually a pair of heels. I’ve seen him in it several times and I was accepting and open. He’s in a serious relationship now and he knows she will never accept it, some people are not as open minded and he knows this. Once she moved in he was stuck what to do whether to throw it all away or hide it but did t like the idea of sneaking around putting it on so was prepared to stop. We still speak from time to time but don’t bring this up!
Why is it seen that women who do accept this are open minded but those who don't accept this are closed minded? This makes it sound like if you don't accept it you're at fault or uptight. I’m heterosexual,I couldn’t entertain being intimate with a woman, but I don’t find anything repulsive if I’m in the company of lesbians who are intimate. I know some men are sexually aroused by dressing in clothes associated with ‘sexy’ women, such as barely there lingerie, stockings and suspenders. That’s their choice. The thought of men doing that doesn’t repulse me. However, the thought of my dh rocking up on night dressed like that and expecting me to have sex with him does. That doesn’t make me closed minded!
CausingChaos2 · 15/01/2021 15:06

So sorry op. I definitely wouldn’t be able to get past this either, the act as well as the lying. He really should have been upfront with you.

movingonup20 · 15/01/2021 15:07

It's unusual but not a dealbreaker, and he hasn't lied because you never asked him, it's just he didn't tell you what he does in time away from you. Is it really any different to someone who spends weekends dressed up in steampunk gear (have a relative) or obsessing about another hobby? Obviously there's red flags that need to be addressed but it's this completely intolerant attitude too anything unusual that means secrets are kept. I had a friend growing up who's dad was a transvestite, very few people knew and I didn't until I was older but he was a "normal" straight laced London based businessman with a briefcase and smart suit by day and a loving father to my friend and her sister, he only told the kids when they were adults (left home) after their mum had died and they found women's clothes in his house and thought he had a girlfriend (he did actually and she knew about his cd). What I'm saying is don't jump to conclusions, if he's an amazing man it's worth honest conversations

TeddyTop · 15/01/2021 15:15

I had a short term boyfriend who admitted this to me. He was really distressed about his “compulsion” and told me it grew with age even. I felt very understanding in a naive and genuine kind of way. But I was also really worried one evening he would turn up on a date dressed as a woman, I could not have imagine it and at the same time It freaked me out to consider this might happen. I was kind of glad our “relationship” was so very short lived really, he drifted away. No advice OP. Just my experience

wantmorenow · 15/01/2021 15:17

OP : Think the transwidow site is along the lines of golf widows. Not actual killing themselves. Nothing much to add but it's got to be a tricky one and they may have some support for you.

TeddyTop · 15/01/2021 15:20

Having read a few posts further up, one thing I would add - you don’t have to justify ANY reason to end a relationship if something bothers you. Don’t be “moralised” or cajoled by what others think you should do or think. Listen to what you deeply feel, though accessing that is not always easy ...

2bazookas · 15/01/2021 15:26

Well, he has (very nearly)managed to keep it separate from you and your kids. I don't think he's going to change. Can you live with that?

The question for you is; could you continue as before on condition he keeps it completely separate in future? Does he deserve a chance to discuss that option?

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 15:27

@movingonup20

It's unusual but not a dealbreaker, and he hasn't lied because you never asked him, it's just he didn't tell you what he does in time away from you. Is it really any different to someone who spends weekends dressed up in steampunk gear (have a relative) or obsessing about another hobby? Obviously there's red flags that need to be addressed but it's this completely intolerant attitude too anything unusual that means secrets are kept. I had a friend growing up who's dad was a transvestite, very few people knew and I didn't until I was older but he was a "normal" straight laced London based businessman with a briefcase and smart suit by day and a loving father to my friend and her sister, he only told the kids when they were adults (left home) after their mum had died and they found women's clothes in his house and thought he had a girlfriend (he did actually and she knew about his cd). What I'm saying is don't jump to conclusions, if he's an amazing man it's worth honest conversations
It’s not a game-changer for you. And yes, it’s different to a hobby.

Have you read the thread?