Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

@MidnightColours

I don't want to be unfair to you, OP, but find it sad to read that your discovery provoked disgust, and the mentions of shame and that he wouldn't be a "decent" bloke because of it. You also seem to project a lot from previous relationships into this one. This must have been a shock, but your love sounds very judgemental, and I would question whether you respected him before this. Presumably he hasn't harmed anyone, and your life and relationship have been completely unaffected by this. I'm tempted to say it's private to him and he doesn't have to justify himself to you (let alone be ashamed!).

The OP is mostly affected by the lies, and given her history, which he knows about, its totally understandable. I, and I’m certain many other women, would be disgusted if I walked in on my dh masturbating whilst wearing my underwear. Good for you if it wouldn’t affect you the same way - but don't be so fucking judgemental yourself.

I completely understand your betrayal, the person you love has concealed a huge part of their life, and that of course will change your view on him. I don’t think I could get past it, I’d have too many thoughts, what does this mean, do you like men, do you want to be a woman, do you want to be with someone who also CDs etc.

I love a manly man too and feel sick at the thought of him strutting around in a wig and pair of louboutins!

@Balhammom

Some very silly responses here. Cross dressing and transgender issues are completely different things.

Ultimately, this is a matter for OP and her partner to discuss to work out if he’s okay keeping this part of his life out of the relationship, and if she’s okay with that. If so, what’s the issue?

You might want to read transwidowsvoices.org before making sweeping and factually incorrect statements.

Most men who come out as transgender in middle age initially cross dressed, some for many years.

@Clymene Why would I want to read a site which quite clearly (as the name suggests) only reflects one side of the argument?

I can easily accept that plenty of transgender individuals cross dress, but to use that to deduce that plenty of cross dressers are transgender is to make the oldest logical fallacy in the book.

Please try to exercise a little common sense!

How very dismissive you are of women's experiences.

Can you tell us how to tell which men who cross dress are likely to come out as trans and which ones are 'just' cross dressing? I suspect that would be very helpful to the OP.

Balhamon according to Stonewall that first sentence confirms your transphobia! They have long had a large and seemingly all encompassing trans umbrella that includes cross dressing!

You can't escape the accusation, no matter how accepting you try to be, it seems!

@Balhammom take your agenda elsewhere. OP needs support not your painfully woke campaigning. Nobody needs to be rescued here. Off you trot.

No reason why you should accept this if you don't want to OP. My ex husband started off with makeup, went on to fetish, rubber then decided to go wild going to BDSM nightclubs and insisting on going to town where I work dressed up in this stuff.
The marriage ended, it wasn't what I signed up for when I married him.

Oh I'm so sorry OP, you sound lovely, and this sounds utterly rubbish.

I'm not in the tiniest bit woke, so this is not coming from that angle...it's also hard to know what I would feel if it were me, but from an outsiders view: you describe a happy relationship and the cross dressing has not impacted on any of that. Would it be out of the question to continue as it is, with the CD being something your partner does in his own time, totally separate from your (what seems like a good) relationship?

If like to hope you can get over this, but having read the trans widows posts, and having learned about the narcissism of AGP, I would worry.
Look up transwidows here - the pattern they all follow is astonishing, and it will help you recognise the red flags.
I wish you all the very best xx

Totally unattractive and complete turn off for me.
Each to their own though.
It's what you think that matters.

OP on MN everyone will tell you it means he’s trans but it doesn’t necessarily. I’d try and understand why he does it but I think your requirement he continues to keep it private is perfectly reasonable - in the same way that if my partner didn’t like something in the bedroom I might still do it when I masterbate, for example. But if you’re very happy and there are children involved I would try and work around it.

I think I was clutching at straws. I know that it's possible for CDing to be a separate part of your life and some contributors have helpfully shared their experiences of successful relationships. Thank you for that. However I think it's more than that for my partner.

The evidence I found was receipt for feminisation apparel (think silicone breasts etc.) - it cost a lot of money and whilst he is not stingy, he is not someone who has a lot of spare cash. I also found a termination email from last year for a fetish website (VIP membership). I'm assuming that means more than browsing and probably meeting up but I will never know - I don't trust my partner to tell me the truth anymore.

And for those of you saying I never loved or respected my partner, you couldn't be more wrong. It took me a long time to trust again but I did and I genuinely felt that I'd met the man who would be with me till the end and we were planning our future together. I have supported him over the past 3 years and given him and his children my love and care - happily but in the belief that we had a relationship based on trust and respect.

I am so so sad about this. I have no wish to shame him or put him down but this is not for me and he knew that.

Maybe grasping at straws, but could he have ordered something for a fancy dress party? You don't say how old the receipt was?

Wait I was following this until your last update. How old is the receipt? If he's terminated the membership maybe it was after he heard you didn't like that whole concept and he wanted to ditch it and focus on you? Maybe I'm being too naive but would be a shame to chuck him if he's stopped it all.

Wanted to add though that 100% your boundaries are your boundaries.

OP on MN everyone will tell you it means he’s trans but it doesn’t necessarily Literally nobody has said his fetish means he's trans.

Sorry, I did point out that Stonewall think so.

But we all know that umbrella is ridiculous!

The receipt was from last year - almost a year after I asked him about the internet history and over 2 years into our relationship.

The receipt for the paraphernalia was around the same time - definitely not for a fancy dress party - it cost a fortune (think weekend away at a v posh hotel) and was from a specialist site.

Not sure how helpful this is, but Grayson Perry and his wife manage family life OK. I've often thought about how I would feel about something like this. It all depends on what he gets out of it.

You two need to talk. Uninterrupted, totally openly and honestly and if there is any way of coming through this together, a way will come forward.

You do need to stress that this is probably the hardest and most important conversation the pair of you will ever have.

A time to talk and to listen and to that he MUST NOT lie, minimise or wriggle out of it. This is his chance to build things back up if that's going to be possible. Good luck to you both.

I can understand you feel deceived but also why your DP would have lied to you, he doesn't want to to lose you and thought keeping this separate to your time together gave him the best of both worlds. I suppose if you could guarantee that it would always be a separate "hobby" then it wouldn't have to be a problem but would it stay that way? Unfortunately any sexual kink seems to lose it's power after a while then people want a bit more, then a bit more and eventually you can be outside your comfort zone by half a mile.
He sounds like a good man so it's worth a frank conversation but if this really is outside your comfort zone then no one should judge you for saying so.

Sorry, cross posted.

I have no wish to shame him or put him down but this is not for me and he knew that

So, on top of the deception, he has knowingly let you waste 3 years on him, that you could have spent cultivating other relationships that were what you wanted. That's quite selfish and makes me think of Philip Schofield and his poor wife.

I'd be sad and furious in equal measure. And fwiw, I could not tolerate this either (the fetish that is).

Like you say the lies are a big problem . Because even if you have an open conversation about it now . How are you going to know he will tell you the full truth ?

It’s very sad.