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Original poster

Cross dressing - wise words needed

390 replies

Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 13:34

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 15:28

@movingonup20

It's unusual but not a dealbreaker, and he hasn't lied because you never asked him, it's just he didn't tell you what he does in time away from you. Is it really any different to someone who spends weekends dressed up in steampunk gear (have a relative) or obsessing about another hobby? Obviously there's red flags that need to be addressed but it's this completely intolerant attitude too anything unusual that means secrets are kept. I had a friend growing up who's dad was a transvestite, very few people knew and I didn't until I was older but he was a "normal" straight laced London based businessman with a briefcase and smart suit by day and a loving father to my friend and her sister, he only told the kids when they were adults (left home) after their mum had died and they found women's clothes in his house and thought he had a girlfriend (he did actually and she knew about his cd). What I'm saying is don't jump to conclusions, if he's an amazing man it's worth honest conversations
No he has lied - something came up previously that made me suspicious on internet history and he denied it - saying he’d just been curious or something and made a joke about what a terrible looking transvestite he would be. I remember telling him that it absolutely wasn’t my thing and that if this was the sort of ‘kink’ he needed then we weren’t suited.

I am now concerned about what else he has lied about - the trust has completely gone.

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 15/01/2021 15:28

He knows she will never accept it, some people are not as open minded and he knows this

I hate that phrase - ‘open-minded’. It’s often deployed in order to shame someone into ignoring their perfectly healthy boundaries. It is not closed minded to assert that you have a strong preference that your male sexual partner doesn’t dress in women’s clothes.

HmmSureJan · 15/01/2021 15:28

I'm afraid I would end it immediately. I couldn't find him attractive anymore.

Beamur · 15/01/2021 15:35

Your gut instinct that something was off was right. He has been concealing a very significant part of his life from you.
This is not a 'hobby' and you are perfectly entitled not to be ok with this. It's not something a lot of people would be ok with. That doesn't make them bad people.
It would be a deal-breaker for me as I don't think I would be comfortable with a partner who views women through this lens.

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 15:35

Just to clarify - there is no way I could be with someone who wanted to participate in sex dressed as a woman. It’s an absolute no. My question was is this something that can be contained and whether anyone has experience of someone indulging this kink long-term without it developing into something more.

However, now the shock is wearing off I’m sadly coming to the conclusion that it’s a big no from me. The fact that I keep feeling most sad for what our kids will lose out on says it all - I don’t want this.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 15:42

I’m sorry, @Understatedhyperbole but ultimately your kids will be happier if you’re happy. Flowers

JessicaHyde · 15/01/2021 15:44

In my experience the cross dressing was the tip of a very grotty iceberg. I hope this isn't the case for you.

combatbarbie · 15/01/2021 15:55

This is a tough one as you need some answers before you can go forward. I personally wouldn't focus too much on the "lie" he was probably terrified of your reaction if he came clean.

Is it just a fetish? If so then I do believe it can be contained in the same way lots of other fetishes are.... Most rarely promote their needs in their real life, talking about feet, BDSM etc.

If it's because he identifies as a woman in private then as much as it would be a relief to him, from what you've said the relationship couldn't continue.

ArtMaskingFluid · 15/01/2021 15:56

I've name changed. I don't know if what I say will be of any use because ultimately it's up to you how you feel about things. My partner cross-dresses, but I knew from before we got together as a couple, so that's a big difference. I would say I 'don't mind' but that makes it sounds like there's something to 'mind' about and I don't think of it that way. It's part of them, and I love them. We've been together a long long time, it wasn't part of any grotty iceberg at all, nothing escalated. Maybe that's unusual, I don't know, but that's my experience.

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 15:58

@JessicaHyde

In my experience the cross dressing was the tip of a very grotty iceberg. I hope this isn't the case for you.
Sadly I think you may be right. It’s a rabbit hole I have no intention of going down.
OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 15/01/2021 16:00

I remember telling him that it absolutely wasn’t my thing and that if this was the sort of ‘kink’ he needed then we weren’t suited

For me, it's this bit that would make it so much worse than his lying out of fear of rejection/facing up to your possible incompatibility - he actually knew this would be a dealbreaker for you and deliberately concealed it for the purpose of selfishly continuing a relationship that worked for him, regardless of your feelings. People who love each other don't do that to each other.

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 16:02

@ArtMaskingFluid

I've name changed. I don't know if what I say will be of any use because ultimately it's up to you how you feel about things. My partner cross-dresses, but I knew from before we got together as a couple, so that's a big difference. I would say I 'don't mind' but that makes it sounds like there's something to 'mind' about and I don't think of it that way. It's part of them, and I love them. We've been together a long long time, it wasn't part of any grotty iceberg at all, nothing escalated. Maybe that's unusual, I don't know, but that's my experience.
Thanks for that - it’s what I wanted to now. Do you mind me asking how long you’ve been together / how old you are. I’m wondering if it’s something that increases with age.

With that said, I feel its academic as the lying is just too much for me. I have a history of being lied to and gaslighted that he knows about and no matter what his issues, nobody who really loved me would do that to me again.

OP posts:
ArtMaskingFluid · 15/01/2021 16:07

I'm almost retirement age! Flipping hell. We've been together since our early 30s. It hasn't increased with age, it's got less.

gannett · 15/01/2021 16:15

OP, this is not to minimise your hurt at all, but to me there's a huge difference between a lie of betrayal (like your ex and his affair) and a lie based in social shame and stigma. If your DH had been open about it he would probably have faced tremendous prejudice and backlash.

I would never accuse an LGBT person coming to terms with their identity as an adult of "lying" simply because I know it's not that simple. This is closer to that than to a cheat, for me.

Only you can decide what your boundaries are regarding the cross-dressing itself - as we've seen in this thread it can vary - but that's my two cents on the lying aspect.

MrsBrunch · 15/01/2021 16:18

This is closer to that than to a cheat, for me.

It depends on whether there's anyone else involved. Does he interact online with people, etc. Who knows what else he is hiding from OP. He's unlikely to tell all when asked. The trust is clearly broken.

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 16:21

@gannett

OP, this is not to minimise your hurt at all, but to me there's a huge difference between a lie of betrayal (like your ex and his affair) and a lie based in social shame and stigma. If your DH had been open about it he would probably have faced tremendous prejudice and backlash.

I would never accuse an LGBT person coming to terms with their identity as an adult of "lying" simply because I know it's not that simple. This is closer to that than to a cheat, for me.

Only you can decide what your boundaries are regarding the cross-dressing itself - as we've seen in this thread it can vary - but that's my two cents on the lying aspect.

She literally asked him about it and he lied to her face...
Branleuse · 15/01/2021 16:23

Youre gonna have to have a really awkward conversation with him arent you.

As for whether it would be a dealbreaker for me would depend on how far he took this.
Im quite open minded about harmless sexual fetishes as occasional play, but if he was going to end up thinking hes an actual transwoman, that would be a dealbreaker or if it was all the time, and I definitely wouldnt be pegging him.

gannett · 15/01/2021 16:25

She literally asked him about it and he lied to her face...

Do you understand how shame and stigma might cause someone to lie? When they feel that telling the truth would cause them to be rejected by everyone in their life? Would you accuse your child of lying if they came out to you having previously denied being gay?

likeamillpond · 15/01/2021 16:26

Why is it nearly always the big, masculine tall blokes that do this?
I think that's what's difficult to get to terms with.
Because they're so masculine looking they look a bit more ridiculous in women's clothing than say a smaller more petite man would.

couscous404 · 15/01/2021 16:28

Hi op,

I had a partner who cross dressed so I felt compelled to share. I consider myself extremely liberal, open minded and progressive, but it was a huge turn off for me. It's nothing to do with being open minded, everyone has their boundaries and preferences.

I was pretty young when I was with him and so I tried to be cool with it, it was very much a sexual thing for me. He didn't want to be a women but got off on women's clothing. It completely took over our sex life to the point he couldn't get off without them. Eventually our sex life dried up and we broke up, for that reason amongst other reasons. You have to do what's best for you x

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 16:33

@gannett

She literally asked him about it and he lied to her face...

Do you understand how shame and stigma might cause someone to lie? When they feel that telling the truth would cause them to be rejected by everyone in their life? Would you accuse your child of lying if they came out to you having previously denied being gay?

I appreciate what you are trying to say but I don’t think that’s a fair comparison. How would you feel if your partner came out as gay? Sexuality is pretty fundamental regarding your partner / lover
OP posts:
Elieza · 15/01/2021 16:34

If I totally loved someone and did something I considered harmless at home in the privacy of my own property that I knew my partner wouldn’t approve of and would dump me over if they found out, then I’d lie too tbh.

You’ve never gotten over the past betrayal by your ex. And you’re taking your feelings from that out on this guy.

Only you can decide your boundaries. For me I would be totally fine. As long as he wasn’t cheating on me or going on one night stands for sex etc I’d be of the opinion that, like private wanking, his choice of gear is something private that others don’t need to know about and that’s fine.

I might not be of that opinion if he went out like that. I don’t know. TBH I’d like to think I was open enough to be cool with that. I don’t think I’d be up for shagging him while he was dressed as a woman though.

You don’t know why he is dressing as he does. He might like it to get in touch with just more gentle side to feel relaxed. Or it could be a sex thing. Or just a fun thing as he also dressed up like Star Trek characters too but keeps that secret as well. Who knows.

RUOKHon · 15/01/2021 16:35

Do you understand how shame and stigma might cause someone to lie? When they feel that telling the truth would cause them to be rejected by everyone in their life? Would you accuse your child of lying if they came out to you having previously denied being gay

A sexual fetish, paraphilia or identity is not at all the same as a sexual orientation. In fact it’s the opposite. It’s a response to, or a result of external influences rather than being innate, like homosexuality.

Original poster
Understatedhyperbole · 15/01/2021 16:38

@couscous404

Hi op,

I had a partner who cross dressed so I felt compelled to share. I consider myself extremely liberal, open minded and progressive, but it was a huge turn off for me. It's nothing to do with being open minded, everyone has their boundaries and preferences.

I was pretty young when I was with him and so I tried to be cool with it, it was very much a sexual thing for me. He didn't want to be a women but got off on women's clothing. It completely took over our sex life to the point he couldn't get off without them. Eventually our sex life dried up and we broke up, for that reason amongst other reasons. You have to do what's best for you x

Yes I get that. I had a previous partner who had a particular kink. I was open minded and it wasn’t something I hated even if it want my first preference so I tried to accommodate- however then our sex life just revolved around this one thing - I was so bored and turned off with it and sex became a real chore. Hence my telling my partner that I wouldn’t be compatible if he was strongly into one thing or cross dressing.
OP posts:
gannett · 15/01/2021 16:38

I appreciate what you are trying to say but I don’t think that’s a fair comparison. How would you feel if your partner came out as gay? Sexuality is pretty fundamental regarding your partner / lover

He's bi (as am I) so this perhaps isn't the usual perspective. Gay would mean the relationship was probably over and of course I'd be hurt and rejected. I can't compare it to the feelings of betrayal I'd feel if he cheated, though - that feels like something very different.