Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

@wehaveafloater OP doesn't need to talk to him or find a way through it at all!

She entitled to end it whenever, however, and for whatever reason she likes!

Op I have experience of this. As others have said please firstly read up on Autogynephilia.
It won’t be the cross dressing per se but the type of female role your DP wishes to be whilst dressed which will be the deal breaker or not. Forced feminisation and the misogynistic nature of the fantasies where the biggest turn off for me.
It’s also the mental time taken, when not doing it thinking about doing it. I witnessed an obsession which took over, think internet surfing for huge chunks of the day, living vicariously through others online, trying to fish for contact with others, the white lies the prioritisation of the alter ego over family and responsibilities.
It’s so sad that many men have kept this a hidden secret since puberty which effects their mental health enormously. The ability to then have an open and honest discussion is almost impossible.
Good luck Op.

I have minor experience.

ExH liked wearing women's underwear. At first I was ok with it, it was very occasional and not highly feminine stuff. He hinted at this very early on in our relationship until I think I asked him outright.

It did make it into the bedroom, once. Clearly a massive turn on for him. Me, not so much. I got the ick. I stayed though.

Over time it got more frequent and more and more appeared. He made no attempt to hide it. He had more women's underwear than mens. Then I noticed he was wearing out during the day so no longer confined to just at home and it got more and more feminine in style.

It did help to kill our sex life as I found it so unattractive. I quite blatantly hinted that I didn't like it. He didn't listen. I then found different types of underwear which were hidden and I finally confronted him and said it stops or we're done. He got rid of it all (apparently).

After we did finally split, I was suspicious and searched his stuff. I found more of it, just hidden away so I don't think he stopped, just hid it after my deal breaker.

It was definitely a fetish for him, he had no desire to become a woman and I don't think he could,.or didn't want to, stop as it was too arousing for him.

It is definitely ok to not find a man in any women's clothing attractive. Like you, Iike quite manly men and seeing a man's body in women's underwear is one of the unsexiest things ever.

The fact that he was buying prosthetic female body parts is a whole other level. It’s straying into very creepy territory where disembodied pieces of female anatomy can be bought, appropriated, and most disturbingly, worn for sexual gratification.

The discovery alone would be far too Silence of the Lambs for me. So disturbing.

I'd be gone. No way would I want to be involved with this shit. He's lying and conning you into a relationship with someone who he isn't. It all turns my stomach too OP, sorry

Some men enjoy dressing in lingerie. It doesnt mean they are gay, they often just like the feel of it. He's hidden it away from you for so long, That it's probably just a guilt secret, too embarrassed to say, so not really lying...
I guess you can either embrace being in bed with him whilst he wears lingerie, or not. But if you can't then, I guess for our relationship to work, then you need to give him time alone so he can enjoy it to himself. That's assuming that you wish to make this work? But talk to him, come to some compromise.

This is quite painful viewing OP. But the biggest worry for women in your situation is the incredible amount of gas-lighting that occurs. Because you didn't enter in to a relationship knowingly with a cross-dresser (who the UK's leading LGBT charity (Stonewall) considers as transgender). Based on the fact that Stonewall consider him as transgender, they would also state that you are in a lesbian relationship.

grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/a-woman-to-look-out-for-jennifer

Please remember, you have done nothing wrong at all, you are perfectly entitled to set your own boundaries.

For you to know but for him to not know you know it must already be being kept out of the relationship?

The 'official' definition of someone being trans includes both transgender and cross dressing.
Cross dressing doesn't infer hidden homosexuality either.
OP I suspect, and I think you do too that there a lot connected to this behaviour that your partner has concealed from you. To those posters insinuating that this is somehow your fault for being narrow minded, well, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how little value you should give that attitude.

@SummerBlondey

Maybe grasping at straws, but could he have ordered something for a fancy dress party? You don't say how old the receipt was?

Sorry, but this really made me laugh. Do you really think that?

I left my ex . Found out after we married so felt betrayed . We talked it through & I was supportive . We went clothes shopping together etc . Trouble was he kept pushing the boundaries. I could cope with him wearing tights but not stockings & suspenders for example , he would agree , for a couple of weeks . I would then find loads of worn stockings stuffed in drawers etc . Also he wouldn't shut the curtains in the evenings when he was dressed up so I was in constant fear of someone seeing . I think he liked the risk . Eventually it all became very sexual & horrid . I was made to feel as if I was unreasonable because I wouldn't have sex with him wearing a nightie . Abusive , gas lighting & exhausting

I do find the attitude of some posters on this thread rather disturbing.

The "well, if you were a nice, open-minded, non-bigoted woman, you'd support your man and his kinks no matter how much of the ick it gave you, or at the very least bite your tongue and ignore it."

They might as well say "Women - know your limits! You have no right to your own independent sexuality, sexual limits, indeed feelings of betrayal and hurt. Your job as a woman is to suck it up. You are merely a bit player, a member of the supporting cast, as he explores his sexuality." I keep hearing Tammy Wynette singing "Stand by your man, give him two arms to cling to..." but in a new, woke guise.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

OP, your call. If it gives you the ick, if it's killed your sexual desire for him, if the lying and deception means you can never feel the same way about the relationship, you can leave. No question, no need to bend over backwards to accommodate him.

Makes me laugh too; if a bloke was on a forum saying his (female) partner was wearing a prosthetic penis and testicles under men's clothing (and had been on fetish sites etc.) .. would men be upbraiding them for their narrow mindedness and judgement of her for finding it weird/a turn off. (And she'd lied to him when asked about cross dressing before).

The fuck they would!

But women always always have to be accepting and tolerating and supportive and open minded and blah blah blah.

Nah.

Thankfully it's only been a few posters but nonetheless ..

I am so sorry OP. Just wanted to add my voice saying that you can end a relationship for any reason and at any time. The items you’ve described would be a deal breaker for me too, but that’s not the point. It’s an issue for you, and you’re allowed to draw your boundary any place you like. On another thread a wise woman used the phrase “you’re under no obligation to set fire to yourself to keep someone else warm”.

I have had a look at some of the things you can buy along the lines of fake tits that cost the price of a weekend at a flash hotel and god. I had no idea. I feel really rather queasy

There really are no depths to which men will plummet.

@Understatedhyperbole
Have compassion for him, maybe he's struggling with something, but the fact he didn't tell you about this so you're free to decide whether you want to be with him or not is dishonest, cruel, and controlling. Don't get sucked into all this at all. It doesn't sound from your post that you have joint kids together or are married, so just end it. Don't let anyone manipulate you into accepting what you don't want. If they're so cool with it, let them go ahead and date him themselves.

@RUOKHon

The fact that he was buying prosthetic female body parts is a whole other level. It’s straying into very creepy territory where disembodied pieces of female anatomy can be bought, appropriated, and most disturbingly, worn for sexual gratification.

The discovery alone would be far too Silence of the Lambs for me. So disturbing.

Oh goodness , just seen this post. Definitely get out of this situation OP

Just to clarify - there is no way I could be with someone who wanted to participate in sex dressed as a woman.

I once dated a cross dresser - I didn’t know when we started seeing each other, he started dropping hints, then told me all about it and showed me photos of his alter ego. I tried to be “broad minded” but for him it absolutely was a sexual compulsion, going out in his female persona and wanking in female only spaces was how he got sexual release and I’m sorry but I found that unpleasant.

And yes, he did want to have sex with me while “dressed.”

It wasn’t for me, but luckily we hadn’t been seeing each other long so I could walk away.

Please don’t feel guilted into being “broad minded” or persuaded that it’s just like a woman wearing trousers. It really isn’t, or wasn’t for my ex.

@notalwaysalondoner

OP on MN everyone will tell you it means he’s trans but it doesn’t necessarily. I’d try and understand why he does it but I think your requirement he continues to keep it private is perfectly reasonable - in the same way that if my partner didn’t like something in the bedroom I might still do it when I masterbate, for example. But if you’re very happy and there are children involved I would try and work around it.

Why the heck does she have to "understand" why he does it?? That's not her responsibility and it doesn't matter why he does it or whether it means he's trans or not. What has been described is very disturbing, and crucially he lied and deceived the OP by concealing all this, taking away her own freedom and autonomy. The OP has no obligation whatsoever to "understand" him. She should get out of this situation ASAP.

Not read all the replies
For me personally I’m not sure I could get past this but it would depend on a few things , I’d want to no what he does it , if he’s gay , how he feels towards men and women etc , I don’t really understand cross dressing so I’d probably have to take my time really researching it , good luck and definitely speak to him

@Thingsdogetbetter

Oops... You'd obviously need to get over the feeling he lied by omission. People have secrets and this on doesn't actually affect you unless he does want to be out (not everyone does).

1. Discuss it with him and say you don't want it to encroach on your relationship.

It's just clothes and make up. It is more often a stress relief to move away from demands of masculinity rather than sexual or a desire to be female. Remember, lots of male reality stars wear make up. And even Harry Styles wears dresses.

He was willing to cheat AND has a sexual kink he has hidden from you while indulging in it / wanting to in secret. That's not what loving, respectful partners do. Not a suitable long term partner. Not a judgement on the kink itself, but on deception and misrepresentation.

@Understatedhyperbole

Talk to him but he will be ashamed and embarrassed so you will need to make it safe and get past that etc.

That’s if you want too

A few people have mentioned Grayson Perry and his wife Phillipa. I read an interview of hers recently in which she stated that the reason that GP's crossdressing isn't an issue is because its never been a secret.

She was able to decide to have a relationship with a crossdressing man , she had the freedom to make that choice. You did not.

I'm sorry you're going through this op.

@notalwaysalondoner

OP on MN everyone will tell you it means he’s trans but it doesn’t necessarily. I’d try and understand why he does it but I think your requirement he continues to keep it private is perfectly reasonable - in the same way that if my partner didn’t like something in the bedroom I might still do it when I masterbate, for example. But if you’re very happy and there are children involved I would try and work around it.

A Cross-dresser IS trans - this is defined by the LGBT Charity Stonewall as such (and their word goes here in the U.K.). It's dishonest of this man to have even embarked on a relationship with the OP let alone lie about it.