Cross dressing - wise words needed

[Understatedhyperbole]

Looking for some wise words here and anyone with experience.

I have just found out that my partner of 3 years is a Cross-dresser. He does not yet know that I know, although I did voice my suspicions a year ago when something weird came up on internet history, and he very much denied it.

A bit of background. We both have teenage boys and don’t live together - but do have a blended family as we live near/share schools and clubs etc. My boys adore him and he’s been more of a father to them in the last 2 years than their own (we introduced each other gradually) -I adore his boys too, and am very to close to one of them who has special needs.

Our sex life has always been really good - although, if I’m honest I would like him to be a bit more dominant - however that’s never been a massive issue and he always leaves me very satisfied. He is kind and considerate and great fun to be around. We both enjoy a shared hobby and have similar interests, work in similar fields. Up until a few days ago I would have said I love him to bits and that he was my best friend.

So on to the issue.

Firstly, I don’t think I can get past this. He is a big bloke and the idea of him in make-up/heels etc turns my stomach. However, can this be contained? Is this something he can do in his own time, so to speak and keep out of our relationship? I have no idea about this - will it just grow and grow once it’s acknowledged?

Secondly, obviously he has lied to me. I understand why - the shame must be huge and the fear of losing what we have. However, he has lied to me for years - my last partner had an affair for years and this has brought it all back. I don’t think this is fixable - but I’m just so sad at everything we will lose.

I really want advice from anyone that’s been in the same situation. My head is telling me there is no way forward here, but my heart wants there to be a way to deal with this.

@Understatedhyperbole

Trust him.

really feel for you op, this would sicken me and any attraction would die on the spot.

He is not my ex (who was a compulsive liar / cheat) and he’s not a player - but I agree if you have a strong desire/need/compulsion for a certain type of sex - long-term, I’m not sure how that can fit in a monogamous relationship where it’s not available.

The danger of level 5 asshole/liar/dysfunctional man seeming good compared to level 8 or whatever asshole/liar .. is there.

Also even if he doesn't cheat .. it's a big icky turn off for you by the sounds of it, it would be for many women. I don't know all that many men who are massively turned on by women wearing fake genitalia and dressing up as guys either.

Dear lord. Get out now. The red flags are all over the place, waving at you.

He's lied. It goes deeper. It'll only get worse.

[quote Justa47]@Understatedhyperbole

Trust him.[/quote]
Trust him to what?? Lie again??

By the sounds of it he's had these fetishes for a long time. They're not going anywhere. It's a part of him.

He can suppress his urges about as well as the OP can suppress her disgust, distrust and sadness about his deception.

The clothes choices and makeup styles are rooted in patriarchal and misogynistic ideas about women and what men find attractive about women.

Been here too OP, a lot younger than you. I spent too long trying to «be kind». If my ex had chosen to express his feminine side in leggings, an old hoody and hair pulled back in a messy bun, fair enough. But it was all stockings, suspenders, lace and skyscraper heels and a fateful of slap. So it was a kink, a fetish, and it was a very powerful one. I like what you said about it being with someone who only ever orders the same meal... it was exactly like that. It invaded our sex life, all our life tbh. And whoever above said that once the secret is out, the compulsion lessens? Not my experience. It was more like the brakes were off, and he was free to follow wherever it led.

I’m glad you sound so assertive and your boundaries are strong. I wish mine had been. Courage.

I do believe he threw it away. It’s actually very hard to imagine where he’d put it / keep it and I don’t actually think he’s indulging in it with any one at present - he said it was a drunk late night purchase that he regretted the next day and put behind him. But obviously he’d like to go there - which is the sticking point.

He can be quite impulsive with what he buys (he is financially secure and not in any debt)- he has surprised me in the past by suddenly buying something relatively large on a whim - so I can actually see this happening.

I’m not sure about misogyny. As I understand it, it’s about humiliation - and that for a big masculine man being dressed up as a woman would be the most humiliating thing and then getting off on that - it’s apparently most popular with more masculine men. They are not trying to ‘pass’ as a woman and don’t think they are women - it’s very much dress up but to feel humiliated and therefore turned on.

Psychologically I get it - but it still makes me cringe and feel yuk. The whole dynamic between us feels off and whereas I used to fancy the pants off him, now I’m a bit and not feeling it at all. I’ve always accepted that his tendency was more towards submissive than I would ideally like but he could switch it up and I accepted that relationships are with a person and everyone is different. But now I”m a bit - no, don’t want that.

At Christmas time I was so happy to have a man I loved and trusted, who was kind and funny etc. He does have lots of amazing qualities outside of this. But this feels like so much hard work and I don’t think I have the energy or appetite for it. I’m thinking I’d rather be on my own than deal with this. It’s sad but some relationships are ‘nearly there’s’ and I think this is one.

I quite like sissifying and dominating fit straight blokes by dressing them in frocks and heels and red lippy, but, if it turns your stomach, then now you know, you know. You can't unknow it.

If it's his fetish, then it's likely there will come a time when he wants you to shag him while he's dressed up, or he'll ask you to go shopping with him for new lingerie, or he'll want you to call him Stacey on Fridays. If he asks, and you say no, and he's okay with that, then great. You can carry on as you are. It's not like you live together.

However... for some men who like dressing up as ladies, their fetish takes over your life, even when you don't want it to.

It usually depends on whether he's into 'sissy porn' or 'sissy hypnosis', and/or if he hangs around with other men into the same fetish, and/or if he goes on 'girls trips' where he visits other cities and wears his 'girl' clothes.

If he's into any of those things, then you'll most likely find his fetish behaviour can't be contained by your boundaries, he'll constantly push you towards accommodating his desires, and he may well one day decide he wants to 'become' a 'lady' full time.

It's been three years though, and he hasn't brought it up so far, so maybe tell him nothing. He's allowed to have his little secrets, surely?

Not interested in ‘containing’ anyone or their desires.

In your shoes I'd walk. This could be the tip of the iceberg and you'll end up a trans widow....or if not, you'll spend every time he's on his PC a while or away with work thinking what's he doing...what a life

Unfortunately it starting out with the lies means he's never given your relationship a fair try.

just rtft, see you've already had a talk.

Maybe give him my phone number?

(joking)

You sound like you've thought it all through properly, it is desperately sad. He should have been honest with you from the start. I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship with him either. For multiple reasons that you have all listed but the ongoing would be knowing that what gets you off isn't what gets him off - it would always be offputting during sex. As in, he could start being more dominant in bed but you would always know it's not really what he wants.

You should look into being non judgemental and count your blessings and look into societal norms and be empathic
Woman, be nice. Sigh.

However, I am quite confident that a minuscule proportion of cross dressers are trans

Transphobic much? Stonewall have long ago added cross dressers to the trans umbrella. You should probably do some research before pronouncing such transphobic shite.

I’m not sure about misogyny. As I understand it, it’s about humiliation - and that for a big masculine man being dressed up as a woman would be the most humiliating thing and then getting off on that - it’s apparently most popular with more masculine men.

Just read this again: being dressed up as a woman would be the most humiliating thing . Being a woman is humiliating. That is the very essence of misogyny.

I'm sorry this has happened OP. I'm not going to tell you how you should feel or what you should do. I would suggest you try the Trans Widows thread as there are women who have gone through this themselves, whatever you decide they will have some idea of it.

Definitely a shocking thing to discover especially in the way that you did, so many questions I'm sure.

First of all this doesnt mean that he is any less of a man, it could be a fetish but if so I think you would have had clues to that over the years.

Secondly it is far more likely that he just enjoys wearing the clothes in the same way that most of us enjoy pretty underwear or the chance to wear a nice dress than him actually wanting to be a woman.

I hope once you have gotten over the shock and been able to talk this through with him that you will be able to see a way forward.

It's possible if it's not a fetish at least that he could continue to dress but not involve you in anyway. The fact it's no longer a secret would take away a lot of fear and shame that he may be feeling. He will probably be a noticeably happier person.

Of course this all depends on your feelings towards his cross dressing, no would blame or judge you for not bring comfortable with it and you certainly shouldn't have to put up with anything you dont like.

All I'm saying is, this is still the same man he is not a monster and is very unlikely to start walking around town in a frock.

Dont think the worst, there are many things that are far more harmful than wearing a dress.

Good luck, I really hope you find a way through and can stick together but at the end of the day you must have your happiness as well.

Years ago my sister unknowingly married a man who was cross dresser. He was a nice person but should have been truthful.

He married another woman and that marriage also ended in divorce. Later he had a sex change operation.

Well it sounds like you know how you feel about it OP. I don't think it's one of those things you can convince yourself to enjoy sexually or accept.

It's very sad when the rest of the relationship sounds good and you were content with him. That's really hard I wish he'd been able to be more open/honest about it at an earlier stage.

Ok - so to summarize what I know

THIS IS NOT ABOUT A MAN OCCASIONALLY WEARING A DRESS
of course that wouldn’t be an issue - this is about honesty, sexual compatibility and our relationship.

On the positive side

• he is not gay and does not think of himself as a woman
• the dressing up as a woman is linked to submissive/humiliation kink and he feels it is containable and not the sole focus of his sexuality
• he does not want to become a woman or publicly wear women’s clothes, live as a woman at home etc.

While I appreciate that some people see the dressing up as a woman / humiliation linked to misogyny, I can only say that he is one of the least misogynistic men I know - this is a kink that relates to his sexual pleasure not his world view.

What has been really interesting has been the complete confusion around this - I include myself in that. As it stands he insists that he isn’t transgender or a transvestite in the sense that he wants to live as a woman or has a ‘persona’. He is well aware of the ridiculousness of himself dressed as a woman - in fact that seems to be the point. He admitted that ‘nobody would want to see their boyfriend like that’. Whilst I appreciate everyone’s concern and directing me to the Transwidow threads - I don’t think that this is it. He likes being a man / a father / one of the boys etc.

On the negative side

• The very idea of it is a massive, massive turn off for me
• I’ve gone off the idea of sex with him, as if the light has been turned off.
• So I’m pretty sure we’re fucked

I feel for you op
My ex cross dressed, I was not interested so ignored it for most of our marriage. Bu over time he resented me for not entertaining his kink. Sex wasn't fulfilling between us, eventually he was using loads of porn and webcams and I assume that was all linked to the kink.
I thought I was being broad minded and boundaried by knowing but not being involved. But ultimately neither of us were satisfied with the relationship. With hindsight we both would have been better splitting at that point.
I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

*On the negative side

• The very idea of it is a massive, massive turn off for me
• I’ve gone off the idea of sex with him, as if the light has been turned off.
• So I’m pretty sure we’re fucked*

Fair enough, OP. I’m pretty certain he would be turned off at the idea of you strapping on a prosthetic penis and drawing a beard on your face.

Never in a million years should anyone ever feel like they ‘ought’ to have sex with someone they don’t find sexually attractive. No matter what the ostensible reason. And definitely never to ‘be kind’.

Never in a million years should anyone ever feel like they ‘ought’ to have sex with someone they don’t find sexually attractive. No matter what the ostensible reason. And definitely never to ‘be kind’

I agree. Never in my life have I ever heard of a man being expected to disregard his personal sexual boundaries for the sake of a womans pleasure and yet women are apparently expected to do this for men all the damn time. NO.

You don’t have to put up with this OP if it’s not what you want.

@GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

Name change there Jakey?

Err ... @Russellbrandshair and @GordonsAliveAndEatsPies

No.

I posted before Jakey came on (I think!). I only changed my name because of what I had to offer to this post about my personal experience with my DH.