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Relationships

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Original poster

Not wanting children, husband does

190 replies

Daisy790 · 15/01/2021 09:23

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

OP posts:

alwayslucky · 07/03/2021 12:24

Foster

notawittyname1954 · 07/03/2021 18:38

I had a friend who had a child because her husband wanted one and she resented the child from the beginning. Unfortunately he turned out to be difficult in that he had many allergies. She was a dutiful mother but there was never any affection for her child. She also resented her husband at the beginning because she felt pushed into it. She couldn't wait til he'd grown up and left home so she could have her husband to herself again. It was always her doting on the husband and the child was a nuisance.

MixedUpFiles · 07/03/2021 18:45

The two of you are fundamentally incompatible. Just end it so you can both seek a better match. That doesn’t make either of you a bad person, you just aren’t meant to be together.

Druidlookingidiot · 07/03/2021 18:48

@Daisy790

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them. I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

I think you should do the right thing and split with him. I know couples where one wanted children and the other didn't and they didn't last. It only works if you're on the same page.

AgeLikeWine · 07/03/2021 19:00

I’m childfree by choice like you, OP.

Unfortunately, I think you both have to accept the reality that this issue is a deal-breaker. It certainly was for me.

Ideally, of course, this issue should be sorted once and for all before marriage, but the two of you are where you are and have to find a way forward.

Your most recent post concerns me. It sounds like he is trying to ratchet up the pressure on you until you either cave or leave. If you cave, he gets what he wants and has ‘won’, at the cost of your happiness. Having a child you don’t want is a recipe for disaster.

If you leave, he gets to be the victim and to paint you as the bad person. Ultimately, as the partner who is unhappy with the status quo, the ball is in his court and any decision to end the relationship should be made by him.

Good luck.

Sadgirl21 · 07/03/2021 19:10

I am in this situation but the other way round. I have no kids and my partner has 2 but doesn’t want anymore. It’s a horrible situation to be in.

alwayslucky · 08/03/2021 21:28

So foster.

MindGrapes · 09/03/2021 16:29

@alwayslucky

So foster.

Why have you posted twice advising someone who doesn't want children to foster children? Did you not read the discussion started by sundances posts on 15 Jan?

EL8888 · 09/03/2021 16:36

Nah time to call it quits. You both want different things ultimately. Plus it sounds his way or the way, especially your suggestions about making pregnant more palatable. He shot that down quick didn’t he! Sounds like my first husband -super keen to put imaginary children ahead of me

alwayslucky · 09/03/2021 17:11

Yes, there was discussion of adoption. Amidst it, someone opined that fostering was harder than adoption, because the original family might still be involved. Talk of adoption, and talk of fostering as though it is a form of adoption, misses the point, I suggest.
The O.P does not want the permanent ties of a child, and is uncertain even that she or her partner would manage that life changing commitment. (She has other reservations, too. ) In a planet overcrowded with a human greenfly explosion, my first idea would be the care of those already here.

Short, repeat short-term fostering is an important service needed by families in case of emergency or illness. People were taking on dogs for lockdown, but often realised with dismay that caring for them properly is hard work. They would have done better to look after animals short term, while owners were ill or had an emergency. If it suited them, they might later take a permanent dog adopted from a shelter. If instead they valued having dogs part time, and handing them back, they would be doing a good job. It might be that they discovered dogs were not really what they wanted at all. Better to find that out before taking one on at a puppy farm
Children are of course more important than dogs, so a trial run, of taking them on as a short term service to them and their real families, seems even more sensible.

If the O.Ps DH is really keen on looking after children, he could switch jobs and work as a carer or social worker or whatever would give him the satisfaction of helping.

ED81 · 24/04/2021 09:34

@Daisy790. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s such a difficult choice but you sound like you know your own mind. Having a child is such a gamble in life anyway - even if you have that desire for them.

MindGrapes · 24/04/2021 09:37

JUST POINTING OUT THAT THIS THREAD IS FROM JANUARY

ED81 · 24/04/2021 09:40

Thanks @MindGrapes. Realise this.

I’m sure it is maybe still ongoing and just offering my support. It’s really tough in life sometimes.

MindGrapes · 24/04/2021 11:44

Yes, sorry, wasn't telling you off, just trying to prevent lots of people posting that only read the first post and don't realise things have moved on!

ED81 · 24/04/2021 16:34

@MindGrapes. No worries at all.

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