Not wanting children, husband does

[Daisy790]

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

[AlternativePerspective]

But tbh if he’s already saying things like “it’s over” then in truth the relationship is over.

[BumbleBiscuit]

I don't know whether you've considered this (and it may not work for you, but I just put it here as a suggestion). Have you considered having a child but he is the SAHP and you are the main earner? I wasn't keen on DCs either so DH was SAHD and I went to work

No part of her wants a child. That’s terrible advice. You’re still a parent even if you’re the one that goes to work! What if he dies or leaves?

[KezzabellaB]

This happened with my husband and myself.
When we met (in our early 30's), I'd been married before and had two children. By contrast, he'd never married and had no children.
When it became apparent we were getting serious, I made it very clear it was unlikely I'd want any more children. He accepted this at the time. As time went by I decided it definitely wasn't what I wanted and was upfront and honest about that with him. He was sad but said he wanted me, and if that meant he'd have no children of his own, he'd make that choice.
Fast forward several years. To say he's never mentioned it again wouldn't be truthful, he does still regret not having his own kids and I doubt that will ever go away. Do I ever regret not having another with him? Sometimes, but it's fleeting and I know I made the right choice.
It's hard and you'll probably never get over the feeling of guilt (I haven't) but at the end of the day, as long as you are truthful and honest, it's got to be up to him if he can live with that. He's an adult and it's his life.

[BlingLoving]

@surelynotnever

I do feel a little sad for him in the the used to be very good with children and loved being with them and isn't any more and Im' not sure if that's because he's had to distance himself to accept the way his life worked out but outside of his unwillingness to be around children, they have a great life and are very happy

I am sorry, but that suggests he is not that happy with his life overall, not peaceably reconciled to never having children, and carries a great amount of hidden pain that he has to structure his life not to trigger.

I realised after that was what I suggested. And maybe you're right. But outside of around children, he comes across as very happy and clearly adores my friend and has a life that he thoroughly enjoys - lots of hobbies, friends etc. he just doesn't seem to like children or have any patience for them where he used to enjoy hanging around with them. But maybe you're right, and actually it's a deeper unhappiness.

[VettiyaIruken]

Don't bring a child into the world if you don't really want one. Putting everything else aside, a child needs and deserves parents who want them.
Having kids is, IME, great. But it is also challenging, knackering and expensive.

That's not a good combination if you didn't really want them in the first place. It's hard enough when you did!

Neither of you are wrong but this is a situation where there's no compromise and because of the potential life a resentful parent could give a child they have no business having one.

[Icanseegreenshoots]

I had a friend who was the same bling and he couldn't quite face playing with the children knowing he could never have his own. It was quite a sad thing to see the playfulness drain out of him, and his dw pretended she could not see the changes. It was unspoken between all of us. Now he is older, he cares less I sense and has hobbies and a nice life. I don't know how he feels inside, but he was never the same.

There are worse things to be though, and having children and not wanting them is far worse. So many children in the care system, or damaged by parents that did not want them indirectly.

My df was very honest and told us regularly as children he did not love us or want us, it was pretty awful knowing that as a child. Even when he was nice, I could sense his silent hostility to us.

[surelynotnever]

@BumbleBiscuit

I don't know whether you've considered this (and it may not work for you, but I just put it here as a suggestion). Have you considered having a child but he is the SAHP and you are the main earner? I wasn't keen on DCs either so DH was SAHD and I went to work

No part of her wants a child. That’s terrible advice. You’re still a parent even if you’re the one that goes to work! What if he dies or leaves?

Quite! And what the child in all this? Hands up who wants to be the child of a parent who doesn't actually want them?

[SendHelp30]

To be honest, if you’ve already had marriage counselling for a separate issue and you’ve only been married 18 months, I think it’s best to end things and let DH have the opportunity to meet someone and have a family of his own.

[Wanderlusto]

I've known since I was a child I didn't want children either (although 'didn't want' isnt the quite the right way of putting it. More like it's just...not me) and always worry that this situation could happen to me.

That being said, although I never want kids of my own, I wouldn't rule out fostering older kids one day. What do you feel about adoption and fostering? Are they something you would consider?

Otherwise, I hate to say it but I think you should get out now because otherwise he will likely hang about until you are older and have lost your looks a bit and then leave, looking for someone younger who wants kids.

That being said I suppose theres no immediate rush for you to find a new partner. I've always been content with 'mr right now' and whatever will be will be because I dont need to worry about body clocks ext. If he treats you good now then might be worth hanging about. Just...prepare for one bitch of a heartbreak with this one.

[Parsley1234]

My son is the absolute joy of my life and I was 37 when I had him after 3 miscarriages. However parenting is bloody hard harder than I ever thought to do it well. To do it well you have to give more than you ever thought possible and it puts so much pressure on a relationship also I am lucky because my son and I really get on sometimes that’s not the case

[zafferana]

I think you need to go back to therapy and work through this one way or another. You're both still young and neither of you should have to settle for a situation that ultimately could neither of you what you want. The bottom line is that he either has to accept your position or leave. You need him to do that sooner rather than later.

[Parsley1234]

Also if he wants children eventually he will leave because there is no compromise on this and him wanting children will override that

[Icanseegreenshoots]

Not to make this about me, but I am still in therapy from a parent that did not want me - and I am 46!
If I could tell you my life story dealing with a parent that did not want me I would, but I don't want to derail op's thread. Children do know when they are not wanted, they know even if you are kind enough not to tell them how you really feel. They grow up thinking they are unlovable and lack security within themselves.

It is ultimately cruel and inhumane to bring a baby into the world that is not really wanted, and far better for the adults to live with a handful of regrets than the damage and consequences that can come from an emotionally fractured and broken childhood, many children with parents like this literally never recover properly, and the ones that do have to live with a deep rooted pain that never goes away: rejection.

[HereIAmOnceAgain]

I know 2 women who didn't want kids and had them for OH and ended up depressed and struggling and who if they could go back wouldn't have had kids. They love them, but love doesn't fix how they feel, it just adds guilt to the mix. I know women who have had children for their OH and ended up feeling OK with it. And I know one woman who had kids for her OH and ended up regreting she hadn't had them sooner as she would have loved more kids. And I know women who wanted kids but regretted having them. Whether OP DH is happy to be SAHP or not, it's still not something if I'd recommend to someone feeling ambivalent about it let alone someone who knows she doesn't want this.

If the marriage counsellor you saw helped OP it might be worth doing a couple of sessions focusing on this issue. Not to change your mind, but to make it clear where you stand and find out if this is a deal breaker for your DH. I'd rather know than be waiting indefinitely for the axe to fall.

[YoniAndGuy]

TBH you were unfair to give him the impression that you might be open to changing your mind when you had no intention of doing so.

No. It's how people work, especially on the huge life questions. Very, very few people actually KNOW AND ARE 100% SURE on the huge stuff... and it's usually the more mature, aware people who discuss openly and honestly and acknowledge that there will, logically, always be a 'what if'. Her DH has similarly 'flip-flopped' a bit, as she's described.

The important thing is - she didn't go into marriage saying she might, she was clear by then that it was a no.

I'd say two things. Firstly, you do seem to communicate pretty well, and I include both of you feeling open enough to make the other aware of your uncertainties. Keep on doing that.

Secondly - you should probably split, but the good thing here is that with him being the man, he's got a much bigger window of opportunity to be a parent. So you really could take a year to properly go through all this before deciding to call it a day. I hate to say it too, but I've known many, MANY people (mainly through the quite intense, committed, un-child-friendly industry I work in) who definitely didn't want kids at 30, but had done a complete 180 at 35. I certainly didn't want kids at 30 and didn't feel ready at all. MY life was completely not in that headspace and I didn't want it to be. Different story 6 years later!

You sound more fundamentally decided, absolutely. But - it's something to consider. He's already 33, you're only just out of your 20s.

[Lookslikerainted]

I may have misunderstood but it was cruel of you to give him the impression you might actually want kids after all, then marry him and then say actually no I don’t want kids. Let your husband go and meet someone who wants the same things as him.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Do not have children if you don't want them because at the end of the day you will be the one looking after them.
Children are hard work enough if you do want them but if you don't it's a nightmare. I had one accidentally and I never wanted kids, he's 40 now so that's fine but the early years were hell for me and I'd rather have been doing just about anything else.
I had to go back to work full time to stay sane.
My husband at the time who desperately wanted kids so he said left every aspect of childcare to me and did nothing whatsoever.

[Wanderlusto]

@Parsley1234

Also if he wants children eventually he will leave because there is no compromise on this and him wanting children will override that

Not necessarily.
It depends if he is just like 'meh, I kinda want kids rn cause I saw a cute one in the grocery yesterday' or more absolute in his position like op is in not wanting them. It might be a 'it comes and goes' situation.

However I do think he may decide that him wanting other things gives him permission to look elsewhere. I just dont see it being common for men to leave a marriage (if its comfortable) because they have decided they want kids tbh. Usually it's when there is another girl on the scene. And she may happen to want kids, so he could say that's the reason but really it's just a bonus.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Marriage doesn't come with guarantees - you can be left without DSpouse whether you have children or not.

Think it through again. Are sure you don't want children? Bear in mind if you have children then split up, mothers usually end up with at least half the childcare and almost all the emotional labour. So you could have children 'for' him and be left with them if he moves on. Or, gutted because he wants to take them, when by then, they're your whole world. It's a minefield! There's risk everywhere you look.

If you're sure, tell him again so that he can't say he didn't know. Then get on with your life and don't worry.

[Floomobal]

@Daisy790

I do wish I had never said 'maybe', but he knew before we got married that I definitely didn't by that stage.

I feel like he is hoping I will sway, i have been very clear though... I just hate the idea of staying just to be left in 5, 10 years time because he realises he really wants them. I want him to do what's right for him, but i don't want to waste my time either.

We did marriage counselling last year, it was really more to do with other issues though and we didn't discuss children.

So far this week he has said it's over, then changed his mind, and then asked about adoption. But he knows why I also don't want to adopt (I just don't want to be a parent at all).

He’s said it’s over, and asked about adoption. The writing is on the wall. You’re right to stick to your guns, if you don’t want children. But for someone who does want children, that may well be too much to give up for the sake of a marriage.

[theemmadilemma]

I think for a start it's always somewhat difficult to believe a partner doesn't' want children unless they've always been adamant themselves about it. You're always slightly on the back foot hoping they mean it when they say they're happy just to be with you.

I think him still holding on to hope after marrying you when you told him prior to that it was a definite no, is way off. He shouldn't have entered into the marriage if he wasn't 100%.

My Partner is nearly 10 years younger so I add that to the fear, because he has plenty of time to change his mind and find someone closer to his age who does want children. (I have some fertility issues which he is aware of, but ultimately I have chosen not to have children because I don't want to be a parent which he is also aware of.) For me fortunately he often makes comments which make it clear to me that he appears happy with the decision he's made, but I'm aware it could all change one day.

I don't know how you're meant to feel in any way stable and solid if he's still pushing on the subject.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I have known a couple of women in this exact same situation. One had a baby to please 'The Man', but he decided he preferred the old life after all - and so left her and the child. The other begged, pleaded and promised he'd do all the baby-related work etc. Yeah, right. That didn't happen. The kicker was that he said 'you wanted it'.

Look after yourself OP.

[notacooldad]

If you went for it, it’d be the classic case of he wants a baby but you end up doing all the graft while his life changes very little. You see so many posts where men insisted on having children and then don’t bother with them.
What a load of shite!!!
Why would it be a "classic case"
I didn't want children. Dh did and made it clear from the outset.
Over years I gave into the idea.
From the moment Ds1 was born dh was there for every single thing. Dh was so proud when ds2 was born and again has done ever he possible be can to support them. They are 25 and 21 now and still include their dad in their lives, ringing up asking if he wants to go on a hike, farmers market meet up fix a car, watch sport etc He never missed a parents evening, sports day, nativity. He is not unique. This is what I see dads that want children do.
You see posts on here about rubbish fathers because people need advice. You don't see people going on about great dads because they haven't got a problem. Nothing to post about obviously 🙄

[Viviennemary]

It doesn't usually turn out well I'm afraid. One person wanting childrdn and the other not.

[BillMasen]

Ffs.

Love to see this advice to a man. “If you don’t want kids just have one and then go to work, let you wife do the work. It’s ok to opt out”