Not wanting children, husband does

[Daisy790]

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

[ED81]

@MindGrapes. No worries at all.

[MindGrapes]

Yes, sorry, wasn't telling you off, just trying to prevent lots of people posting that only read the first post and don't realise things have moved on!

[ED81]

Thanks @MindGrapes. Realise this.

I’m sure it is maybe still ongoing and just offering my support. It’s really tough in life sometimes.

[MindGrapes]

JUST POINTING OUT THAT THIS THREAD IS FROM JANUARY

[ED81]

@Daisy790. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s such a difficult choice but you sound like you know your own mind. Having a child is such a gamble in life anyway - even if you have that desire for them.

[alwayslucky]

Yes, there was discussion of adoption. Amidst it, someone opined that fostering was harder than adoption, because the original family might still be involved. Talk of adoption, and talk of fostering as though it is a form of adoption, misses the point, I suggest.
The O.P does not want the permanent ties of a child, and is uncertain even that she or her partner would manage that life changing commitment. (She has other reservations, too. ) In a planet overcrowded with a human greenfly explosion, my first idea would be the care of those already here.
Short, repeat short-term fostering is an important service needed by families in case of emergency or illness. People were taking on dogs for lockdown, but often realised with dismay that caring for them properly is hard work. They would have done better to look after animals short term, while owners were ill or had an emergency. If it suited them, they might later take a permanent dog adopted from a shelter. If instead they valued having dogs part time, and handing them back, they would be doing a good job. It might be that they discovered dogs were not really what they wanted at all. Better to find that out before taking one on at a puppy farm
Children are of course more important than dogs, so a trial run, of taking them on as a short term service to them and their real families, seems even more sensible.
If the O.Ps DH is really keen on looking after children, he could switch jobs and work as a carer or social worker or whatever would give him the satisfaction of helping.

[EL8888]

Nah time to call it quits. You both want different things ultimately. Plus it sounds his way or the way, especially your suggestions about making pregnant more palatable. He shot that down quick didn’t he! Sounds like my first husband -super keen to put imaginary children ahead of me

[MindGrapes]

@alwayslucky

So foster.

Why have you posted twice advising someone who doesn't want children to foster children? Did you not read the discussion started by sundances posts on 15 Jan?

[alwayslucky]

So foster.

[Sadgirl21]

I am in this situation but the other way round. I have no kids and my partner has 2 but doesn’t want anymore. It’s a horrible situation to be in.

[AgeLikeWine]

I’m childfree by choice like you, OP.

Unfortunately, I think you both have to accept the reality that this issue is a deal-breaker. It certainly was for me.

Ideally, of course, this issue should be sorted once and for all before marriage, but the two of you are where you are and have to find a way forward.

Your most recent post concerns me. It sounds like he is trying to ratchet up the pressure on you until you either cave or leave. If you cave, he gets what he wants and has ‘won’, at the cost of your happiness. Having a child you don’t want is a recipe for disaster.

If you leave, he gets to be the victim and to paint you as the bad person. Ultimately, as the partner who is unhappy with the status quo, the ball is in his court and any decision to end the relationship should be made by him.

Good luck.

[Druidlookingidiot]

@Daisy790

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

I think you should do the right thing and split with him. I know couples where one wanted children and the other didn't and they didn't last. It only works if you're on the same page.

[MixedUpFiles]

The two of you are fundamentally incompatible. Just end it so you can both seek a better match. That doesn’t make either of you a bad person, you just aren’t meant to be together.

[notawittyname1954]

I had a friend who had a child because her husband wanted one and she resented the child from the beginning. Unfortunately he turned out to be difficult in that he had many allergies. She was a dutiful mother but there was never any affection for her child. She also resented her husband at the beginning because she felt pushed into it. She couldn't wait til he'd grown up and left home so she could have her husband to herself again. It was always her doting on the husband and the child was a nuisance.

[alwayslucky]

Foster

[AgentJohnson]

Someone needs to be the bigger person admit that you are not compatible on a fundamental level. Neither of you are wrong for wanting or not wanting a child but you are jointly responsible for staying.

It’s time to walk away, you’re going around in circles because you’re waiting for the other to change. Rip the plaster off.

[MessAllOver]

Don't give in. Children transform your life completely and there's no going back. It is so easy for men to walk out and pay a minimal amount, and then you're left literally holding the baby without any free time or money for years and years. This happens to so many women despite children being "wanted" by both parents. You should only have children if you really want them, you're in a rock-solid relationship and you both have a strong sense of personal responsibility and duty which will see you through the hard bits (and there are plenty of those).

[HettySunshine]

@GeeBranzi

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

It's three months and it hasn't been hidden.

[CruellaDaVille]

OP I have experience from your husband's point of view.
I was the one wanting children.
When I married neither of us wanted children, we were very much in love and had a good life and careers, we talked about kids before marrying and agreed children wasn't in our life plan.
I then became inexplicably broody and desperately yearning to have a family with him, it was because I loved him so much and it was something I wanted to have with him and only him - it hit me out of the blue and didn't go away.
I waited for years for him to change his mind about children and he didn't, it broke my heart, I ended up resenting him and we divorced.
I will always feel sadness about it and this happened decades ago.

[hallodarknessmyoldfriend]

I think you are being very sensible, OP.

Stand your ground.

You both deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like you'll be if you stay together.

[Biscuitsanddoombar]

I’m so sorry OP, it’s horrible to be in this place. Agree with PP, you can’t meet him half way on this. You can’t half have a child. However much you love each other, you’re not compatible on this issue and it will only drive you apart

End it now rather than death by a thousand cuts

[ZoeTurtle]

Well we have spent the last few days just going round in circles.

It doesn't sound like you can come back from those circles. He's going to leave at some point; if I were you, I'd take control and end it now.

[RosieGirl27]

I think you need to leave him OP. You obviously love each other but he will resent you if you are the reason he cannot be a father. You know what you want he’s still not 100% as he loves you. I would cut my losses if I were you.

[chaosrabbitland]

@Daisy790

Well we have spent the last few days just going round in circles.
He has said that he doesn't want me if we don't have children, and that he will always be waiting for me to change my mind. He said he was leaving several times but never left-
I find the more we talk the more I feel I should try and meet him halfway, but then I wake up the next day fully aware that I can't. I don't know if he is trying to just wear me down or manipulate me :(

Yesterday he said he would choose me over children again but didn't seem happy. He then asked me if I had to choose would it be him so I said (between having kids and him, and losing him) no. Since then things have been very tense as he doesn't agree with what I said.
I think we would be happier in separate lives. Ultimately I want the best for him, but he seems to want to jam me into a mould I'm not happy with just so we can be together.
Just needed to vent :(

im really sorry op , it does sound all very difficult and stressfull to you , honestly i think the writing is on the wall here , hes not seeming happy because really he wants kids and he wants you to want them too . hes forcing himself to say he would choose you over kids i think , but then when you are honest with him he cant handle it , you have got to be true to yourself . if you dont split now i only think just based on what you have written it will limp on miserably for a few more years with you both feeling resentful , the fact hes going on about alternatives like adoption says it all ,, adopting a kid is still being a parent , just you havent given birth to it , i or anybody else on here cant tell you what to do ,but honestly in your shoes i would be finishing it rather than keep on dancing about the maypole , all the talks dont seem to be getting you anywhere and its all coming to the same conclusion , he wants kids and you dont . unless one gives on this its going to always be this way .. and its far too much of a life changing thing to just give in on it . but then you know this already