Not wanting children, husband does

[Daisy790]

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

As a poster upthread mentioned, since he doesn't have a biological clock he may stay now, and then leave in 1, 3 , 5, 10 years if he meets someone who does want children.

Because you've now both accepted that there is something incompatible and uncompromisable between you, it will forever change your marriage. You're both staying out of fear something more suitable isn't out there, but the minute you do meet such a person, either of you is susceptible to cheating/leaving.

The marriage is pretty much over with this massive deal breaker - children are just too important an issue for anyone to compromise over. Question is - how long do you stay before you leave to give yourself the chance at a happier marriage.

Thanks, there are definitely some things to consider.
I think the idea of him going to counselling to figure out if it's really what he wants either way is a good idea.

He would actually (in theory) be thrilled to be a stay at home dad. He is really good with babies and kids and gets a lot less joy out of going to work than I do.
I think in ways I feel I would very much become second priority, which I don't like. I'm not a needy person at all (almost to a fault, I'm very self sufficient) I also don't want to feel like I'm only wanted for my womb.

During one of our 'maybe' talks, I suggested if we ever did we could look at options to make me feel more at ease. Private hospital or private midwife etc.
He responded very much that it would be a waste of money and he'd want to save his money for his child. When I consider that he knows how much I hate the idea of pregnancy and the birth, I felt very dismissed. It's not his fault that I'm so terrified, but I felt it was his place to try and alleviate some of my fear.
He is a good, caring man but I guess everyone has different priorities and children should be high up there if you have them.

Bit of a tangent, it's just hard that it's such an expected thing. It was always easy when I was single, I didn't want kids and there was no one to complain about that!

He keeps saying oh you'd be a great mum. I think in several ways I might, and maybe I'd love it. But my gut feeling has always been no, for so many reasons. I'm not even sure I could endure pregnancy. I've dealt with severe body dysmorphia and bulimia in my past and am healthy now but the idea of being so wholly out of control unsettles me still.

Not sure why you married when you disagree on such a huge matter as children.

Whatever you do don't have a child to make him happy. I know a couple of woman that did that and it hasn't worked out well for them.

Also, despite what a couple of posters on here say, people do regret having children. Both men and women. Quite a few of my friends say they love their children but if they could go back in time they would not have any (for various reasons). It's not rare, it's actually very common.

Eww yeah his response to you mentioning private hospitals would have me clamping my legs shut. So he doesn't give a shit about your mental or physical health basically.

I'm sorry op I don't know how you could continue to stay with him after he said that. I wouldnt even be surprised if he suddenly wants kids just BECAUSE you don't.

You feel unsettled because you should feel unsettled. I think youd be wise to get out of this marriage asap based on this new information.

'He keeps saying I'd be a great mum'. Yuck.
Run.

Money he'd want to save for 'his' child? Which makes you what? The incubator? Run.

He does not understand, at all, your reasons for not wanting children. He simply does not get it at all.

He might be caring but he lacks the emotional intelligence to understand the issues at the moment, I would be reluctant to have a baby with any man that did not understand what a big deal it is to be pregnant if you are worried about it, and deal with past eating disorders as your body grows will need to be monitored.

I had a fear of something, anything growing inside me. I could not bear the thought of it. It used to make me feel sick. As it turns out it did not feel odd at all.

You might very well be a great mum, but not if you don't want to be.

He seems to be dismissing you, I would not do it op. I just wouldn't. He sounds flippant and immature at best, and you are right to be wary.

The thing is, EVERYONE with basic human empathy DOES understand why another person wants to take the most pain free route possible for something like that. And wants to help them do this.

I suspect therefore that he is not 'dense' but is infact, cold and manipulative.

He's got a bit of a cheek saying paying for specialist care would be a waste of money🙄
You also seem to think that he is staying with you for what you bring financially to the table🙄

Do not have a child that you don't want.
As @lynsey91 has posted, loving your children but regretting having them is surprisingly common.

I think ye sound very unsuited.

Your updates paint the situation in a more negative light.
He clearly does want children and hopes you’ll change your mind.
He regards jointly spending money on securing a private, comfortable space for his wife to give birth in and recover as a waste.

The bigger red flags aside, I think there is a big risk with this that you develop a compensatory dynamic where because he has sacrificed and compromised on something so huge; you must tolerate loads of shit in turn by way of compensation.
You end up with an unequal relationship where you both feel that you owe him.
You have been straight with him, perhaps he hadn’t been straight with you?
I also wonder if he feels he would be more financially secure if you have children.
I’d exit now. He’s already starting to keep you on your toes.

I have never really wanted children and my Husband was ambivalent. I then felt this massive pressure to go down the 'traditional route' when I was 33 and believed all the Bullshit that people peddle:

'You might not been keen on children, but It's different when it's YOUR child'

'You'll feel differently when you're pregnant'

'Noone enjoys pregnancy, but once you've got your baby in your arms, it's all worth it'

Blah, blah, blah, bullshit. I am sure some women felt like this - But I didn't, however stupidly thought if I got pregnant, it would all 'work itself out and life would be great'.

It didn't - even before I knew I was pregnant my mood went so low and I became suicidal. I was crying at the GP, saying I needed a C-section as the thought of birth terrified me so much and I was prescribed anti-depressants (I'd never used them before in my life). I didn't feel happy AT ALL, I was completely miserable, crying every day, couldn't see a happy ending and couldn't cope - I ended up planning on taking my own life and it was only because one of my sisters phoned me, that I burst into tears on the phone and she drove straight down to my house to be with me so I didn't do anything stupid.

I terminated at 12 weeks and 5 years later, I can honestly say I don't regret it. I regret ever getting pregnant, I regret believing 'everything will be fine when you get pregnant' and very much believe if you DON'T want children, DON'T risk having them.

Thankfully my Husband (who was just my partner at the time) was so supportive throughout everything, he has never put any pressure on me to have children and even if he did, I would sadly rather lose the man I absolutely adore than have a child - I just couldn't bear going through pregnancy and childbirth, it still terrifies me so much and nothing about it seems 'fun', 'magical', 'exciting', it just all seems horrific.

I appreciate my feelings are extreme and others feel very differently (that's the beauty of us all being individuals, I guess!) but I'd certainly advise you don't roll that dice in case the outcome isn't favourable.

Absolutely agree with posters saying men and women later regret having children and it is much more common than is talked about, especially for people who have otherwise fulfilling lives / careers / pets / holidays etc.

A very close female relative tried for 6 years for a child, went through harrowing fertility issues, and now their child is 12 she happily admits behind closed doors she wished she hadnt bothered as its modtly drudgery. Although she loves her child and the child is very well cared for and loved, if she had her time again she would give her head a wobble and absolutely not do it. And this from someone who was desperate, for years.

My own mum deeply resented the tie of kids, they were just a way to trap a man at the time. And we all knew it and now are n/c with her.

I actually think the OP is very sensible to stick to her guns here.

Its an unspoken socially unacceptable thing to talk about for some reason, but kids are a bloody drag for many.

Reading your update it sounds like you really want different things. Your DH really wants children and it seems does not understand at all your reasons for not wanting them.

There seems to be no space for compromise and sadly I cant see how your relationship can work

You can't have a human being that you don't want

I know of a couple of women who got"talked into it" though
I believe it's their choice...but ultimately, it's no good for you other baby.

When they broke up, in one case neither wanted main custody.

In one case, the child is being raised by grandparents at the mo.

In the other case, the man agreed not to take a penny of his wife's money so she would take majority care.

She leaves her child with friends and family as much as possible.

Feel like I should emphasise that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a woman who doesn't want kids. Nothing. Don't let anyone try and chip away at your decision on that basis.

Tbh he sounds slightly naive about kids and pregnancy. Your own kids are totally different from "the day job"... any chance of him becoming an uncle?

We didn't want kids. We really enjoyed life alone for 15 years. Then my husband said I change my mind can we try once? We did got pregnant and gave birth when I was 37 and he was 45. Has been amazing one baby is great and in 3 years he'll be an adult and more independent.
We are planning so many fun things to do just the two of us.
Life with and without children has been excellent for us.
I am glad we tried it no regrets but I can see also the appeal of no children.

Sorry to say OP I think you ultimately won’t stay together- if you had counselling within a year of marriage and have this baby issue. As someone else posted he will get resentful as more and more people around him start families, best to get out sooner rather than later.

I’m friends with a couple who are in a similar situation to you - he wants kids and she doesn’t, and they’re currently engaged (due to marry this year all being well). She had an unexpected pregnancy with him two years ago and had a termination. It nearly broke them as a couple but they’re still together - though are both still adamant in their future hopes (she still doesn’t want children, he does). From my perspective I feel like their love for each other outweighs their decisions re: having children but I can’t help but think that one day one of them will come to resent the other if nothing changes.

OP "I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable."

Is it the case the longer the marriage, the more money he gets in a divorce?

If you've already had counselling, is it a good idea to continue this marriage?

Sounds like you might benefit from talking to a professional too if you're worried about the process. Giving birth can be terrifying. My first delivery was awful but my second was truly magical. Simply because I had the right support from the right professionals second time round.
NHS is best for delivering babies in case there's an emergency, private hospitals are set up to deal with an emergency. But you can hire a private midwife or doula. And pregnancy is also hard, no denying that. That's the only bit I feel I can comment on. Wishing you and dh all the best in your decisions.

Its clear what he wants op. I think you both were incompatible to start with. Given he had a career in childcare and very much on the ground being with children, you can clearly see this is what he wants. He could stick it out for another 10 years and leave and go on to have the children that he wants, and by that time you both might have wasted a good part of your lives on each other. When it comes down to something as fundamental as this, someone is always going to regret.

Do not have a child you do not want.

Do not have a child you do not want.

He doesn’t sound reconciled to not having children, at all. He sounds very keen on having them actually. He will quite likely be miserable and resentful about not having them if you stay together.

Do not have a child you do not want.

Do not have a child you do not want.

I’m afraid that leaves splitting as the only option.

During one of our 'maybe' talks, I suggested if we ever did we could look at options to make me feel more at ease. Private hospital or private midwife etc.
He responded very much that it would be a waste of money and he'd want to save his money for his child.

Ouch. No wonder you'd have feelings of only being wanted for your womb.

Given that this is a man who knows the detailed context of your past struggles and supposedly cares about you, I don't think I could get past that attitude. Combined with the way he's pressuring you? It's upsetting, and you're a stranger to me.

Maybe you need to be the one to take control of whether or not this relationship continues rather than surrendering it all to him and remaining under his pressure. I know that's a big step, so obviously I don't mean it as something to decide this afternoon.

I do think in the right relationship that the pressure and expectation to become a parent, or justify why you don't want to become one, wouldn't be there in the same intense way you seem to be feeling it now.

Aren't set up*

Bloody hell. Can't believe he dismissed private midwife etc when he knew how anxious you were. I'd be wary about having kids with this man even if I wanted kids. It doesn't bode well.