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Original poster

Not wanting children, husband does

190 replies

Daisy790 · 15/01/2021 09:23

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

OP posts:
Icanseegreenshoots · 15/01/2021 10:35

Are you saying you feel deep down he has married for money? And sacrificed his wish for children to remain comfortable?

SlothMama · 15/01/2021 10:38

It sounds like he's clung on to that small chance of hope that you gave him when you considered kids for a bit. Sadly it's probably kinder to him to let him go so he find a like minded partner who wants kids.

Icanseegreenshoots · 15/01/2021 10:39

If that is true, then you are right to be worried.
Marriages last because each person has and are having their needs met whether that is on an emotional, sexual or friendship level. The comfort and shine of wealth tends to wear off after a while, as true values surface and you find the money is not enough.

Your dh needs to be very honest with himself; and he needs to explore whether it is a dealbreaker for him. However I do agree with pp that you should not be giving him the last say, this is also your life and any impact on him later in life will have an impact on you. You should not have to live with the baby question hanging over you - nor feeling you have failed in some way - because you certainly haven't.

Almostslimjim · 15/01/2021 10:40

Please don't have kids because your husband wants them. You will regret it, it may even break your marriage and you could be left a single parent of children you desperately love but ultimately wish you hadn't had.

Branleuse · 15/01/2021 10:47

being that you KNOW that he does want kids, and you definitely dont, then I think you probably need to split at some point. You cant compromise on this one. Broodiness is one of those urges its incredibly hard to ignore once it starts whispering in your ear

Sakurami · 15/01/2021 10:48

I know of very happy marriages where they didnt have kids, either choice or because they weren't able to.

But as someone who has always wanted kids, I wouldn't have liked to be in the position where I had to choose a partner or kids and for example now that I don't want any more, I wouldn't morally be with someone who wanted kids. I wouldn't be able to live with myself and it would really affect our relationship.

mabelandivy · 15/01/2021 10:52

It takes two to want a baby, not one. I think perhaps you shouldn't have given him false hope that you may change your mind. It's a difficult one. I am resolute that I do not want any more. My husband wanted 2. From the outset I had said 1 and see how we got on. We didn't get on very well with PND thrown into the mix. I find parenting hard and I know mentally I couldn't cope with 2. I gave him an option to leave and said that I wouldn't change my mind and if he felt that strongly, then he would need to find somebody else. There were a lot of tears (his), but 2 years later he has accepted this. It's a hard road to go down, but at the end of the day if you both want different things, better to surely find out now?

surelynotnever · 15/01/2021 10:55

So far this week he has said it's over, then changed his mind, and then asked about adoption. But he knows why I also don't want to adopt (I just don't want to be a parent at all)

He wants kids. You know he does. You know he is struggling to reconcile his feelings for you with his need to have children (and people who do want children do feel it as a need). It will only get worse as he sees those around him settling down and having a family.

I am sorry, but there is no way to reconcile this and there is no compromise. Adoption is a desperately stupid idea. Adopted kids are 100% your kids, and need total support and love and patience, even more than biological kids.
I don't see anyway for the marriage to work out when there is such a massive difference in what a good life looks like for each of you. He can't live his good life with you. And can you really live your good life knowing that?

surelynotnever · 15/01/2021 10:59

Marriages last because each person has and are having their needs met whether that is on an emotional, sexual or friendship level

So true and well put.

billy1966 · 15/01/2021 11:00

OP,

You have been clear, crucially before you got married that you don't wish to have children.
Perfectly reasonable.

From what you have written I think you will have future problems.
He will either resent you hugely which seems to have started, or, he meets someone else and is gone and has a child within months.

I think your marriage is doomed.
I think he nedds to be pushed to be honest, because it sounds as if you may be a stop gap until a better situation arises.

You need to think about what you want for your future.
Flowers

Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 15/01/2021 11:01

Having a child when you know you don’t want to would be foolish.
Staying in a relationship with no chance of a family whilst longing to be a parent would be heartbreaking. It would be kinder to split now. There is no certainty he will meet someone and have a family but he deserves the chance.

Iwonder08 · 15/01/2021 11:01

OP, you are being unfair to your husband. It feels like you keep giving him false hopes. Tell him very openly you don't want children, either biological or adopted. Tell him you won't change your mind. Let him make the decision. I would have this conversation ASAP.
Also if you needed marriage counselling that early in the marriage maybe it is all for the best and both of you can find more suitable partners

Calmondeck · 15/01/2021 11:04

Perhaps this isn’t exactly the right article for you, as you’re already decided on not having children yourself. But I found this article really thought provoking and helpful when my DP and I were going through similar: therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

MorbidPodcastFan · 15/01/2021 11:07

You are only 30 OP. You realistically have 5 more years or more to make a decision on this. I wouldnt rush into yes or nos just yet.

CaraDuneRedux · 15/01/2021 11:12

Sadly it is one of these situations where there is no compromise available (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

I don't actually blame you for saying "maybe" early on during the loved-up stage, in fact I suspect he may have been engaging in the same loved-up sort of self-deception when he said "I could live without them" (hell, been there too - tried to kid myself I could live without children for the right man). People do this sort of future-faking in the early stages of relationships all the time, and mostly it's fairly benign, and generally not knowing and malicious, more a case of trying to kid themselves that they want what the other person wants. Sadly over the big issues, like children, it doesn't tend to end well.

I would say most of the time this leads to a split - sorry. That's probably not the answer you wanted.

I do know one couple, now in their 50s, where she gave up the chance of children because she felt her DH was absolutely the right partner for her. She chanels her energy in other directions and is happy. But she's a rare exception.

I don't know any cases where the reluctant partner has come round to the idea of parenting and it's worked out happily - that's a recipe for divorce down the line, only now with the added complication of children.

NuniaBeeswax · 15/01/2021 11:12

I have been you in this situation OP and I walked.

campion · 15/01/2021 11:13

He needs your permission to leave as he doesn't want to hurt you. He's trying to convince himself it doesn't matter but from what you're saying,it obviously does.

He's not going to get over it and it will cause a huge wedge in your marriage. Any time there's a problem it'll be there, lurking.

unmarkedbythat · 15/01/2021 11:15

@BumbleBiscuit

If you went for it, it’d be the classic case of he wants a baby but you end up doing all the graft while his life changes very little. You see so many posts where men insisted on having children and then don’t bother with them.

For the love of God don’t have a baby you don’t want. My husband and I are childfree and it’s absolutely delightful. We have the best life.

it’d be the classic case of he wants a baby but you end up doing all the graft while his life changes very little

Oh, come on, that's just unfair and nothing the op has said suggests that is at all likely.

I would agree the op should not have a baby she does not want, no one should.

BlingLoving · 15/01/2021 11:16

@Iwonder08

OP, you are being unfair to your husband. It feels like you keep giving him false hopes. Tell him very openly you don't want children, either biological or adopted. Tell him you won't change your mind. Let him make the decision. I would have this conversation ASAP. Also if you needed marriage counselling that early in the marriage maybe it is all for the best and both of you can find more suitable partners
what false hopes? She had a brief period where she did consider it but for the vast bulk of her life, including in the time period leading up to their wedding, she was very clear that she did not want children and told him so.

He needs to make a decision on whether he can live with this or not. Perhaps he should seek counselling for himself and agree that while he has this counselling he won't discuss it with you then he can decide for himself.

A friend was like you. Her husband DID want kids. But he decided that he wanted my friend more than he wanted kids. I do feel a little sad for him in the the used to be very good with children and loved being with them and isn't any more and Im' not sure if that's because he's had to distance himself to accept the way his life worked out but outside of his unwillingness to be around children, they have a great life and are very happy.

I had fertility issues and told DH that while I'd agree to basic fertility treatment, I wasn't doing IVF, adopting et. And that if that was a deal breaker for him, then he needed to move on. And were lucky enough to know about fertility issues before we got married so he had the ability to make that decision early on.

I was also neutral on kids. I adore both DC now and there's no world I can imagine living in in which they don't exist so it's impossible to say I would make a different decision now. But I also know that if I hadn't had them, as per my original plan, I would not have regretted it.

surelynotnever · 15/01/2021 11:20

And him saying, effectively, ' I am only staying because there is no guarantee I will find someone else to have kids with.'

Do you really want a marriage on that basis? To be married to a man who has said he would leave you if you was certain he could get better elsewhere? And if someone else does come along whilst he is with you, from whom he could get the kids he wants - do you really think he will say no to that woman?

ChronicallyCurious · 15/01/2021 11:22

I think it’s unfortunately the one thing you can’t (and shouldn’t) compromise on. As PP said it’s more likely it will be your life that is highly impacted by it. What if you have children for him and then he leaves you anyway?

I was so adamant I never wanted children and then it was like a switch flicked inside me one day and suddenly I wanted them. That biological urge only grew for me.

surelynotnever · 15/01/2021 11:25

I do feel a little sad for him in the the used to be very good with children and loved being with them and isn't any more and Im' not sure if that's because he's had to distance himself to accept the way his life worked out but outside of his unwillingness to be around children, they have a great life and are very happy

I am sorry, but that suggests he is not that happy with his life overall, not peaceably reconciled to never having children, and carries a great amount of hidden pain that he has to structure his life not to trigger.

wildraisins · 15/01/2021 11:25

If your husband really wants a child and you really don't then that is a very stark reality. There's no compromise on this one - you can't have half a child.

He is making a decision to push down that urge/ desire because he loves you and wants to be with you. That's his decision but I suppose you just have to be aware of the fact that he is denying a big part of himself. It's no one's fault - just a really sad situation. He might eventually leave the relationship, it depends on how strong his desire for children is vs his desire to be with you.

TillyTopper · 15/01/2021 11:26

I don't know whether you've considered this (and it may not work for you, but I just put it here as a suggestion). Have you considered having a child but he is the SAHP and you are the main earner? I wasn't keen on DCs either so DH was SAHD and I went to work.

AlternativePerspective · 15/01/2021 11:31

She clearly said in her initial post she went through a period of thinking maybe she would have them, so I don't know how you've come to that conclusion. and when women post here that their dh’s have been through a period of saying maybe it could happen they were clearly just telling the woman what she wanted to hear.