Not wanting children, husband does

[Daisy790]

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

[Sundance2741]

I haven't read the whole thread but a good half of it. Just wanted to say adoption is NOT an easier way to have children as some have implied. Not because of the process, but because of the inevitable trauma adopted children bring with them. To adopt requires massive commitment beyond that of having biological children. A good proportion of adoptions break down. It's not because you can't love them as much as your own, but because of the issues that can arise. These can occur even if you adopt a small baby.

Fostering is even harder, especially as social services and birth family can still be involved. It's not a sideline like a bit of volunteering at a youth club.

I would never ever advise someone who didn't want a birth child to adopt or foster instead. I do know what I am talking about as I have two adopted children, having been unable to have my own children (yes, left it to early 30s and my fertility let me down). I have also met many adoptive families over the years.

So please stop suggesting adoption!!

[Sundance2741]

Also kids that are fostered are often very much wanted. It's not the case that most are put into care by their parents, but that the parents are not competent to keep the children safe. However, children who go through care will feel abandoned and unwanted- being removed or losing a birth parent has that effect on a child.

[billy1966]

The longer the marriage, the greater his settlement will be.

Have you brought assets to the marriage.
Are you paid substantially more than him?

Will you be happy to make a substantial payment to him with a portion of your pension if the marriage limps on for years?

If he is staying with you for financial reasons, you need to have a good think.

[Sundance2741]

Just read the previous update. Now it sounds like you don't want to experience a pregnancy OP, more than you don't want a child. You asked your DH for private care? You are muddying the waters for him.

I don't agree with others that him saying he doesn't want to "waste" money on it is a red flag. More likely he is frustrated by your shifting views on this issue. The money is a side issue. His comment might have been made out of frustration. If you were actually in your hypothetical situation, he would probably stump up for private care if that was seen to be the answer.

So do you just not want a pregnancy or do you not want a child? I have a friend who adopted who told me she couldn't face a pregnancy. She later denied that was why they adopted. However she and her husband did both want children and have had a good life with their now grown up adopted kids.

I don't personally know people who admit to wishing they had never had a child. But now mine are grown up / nearly grown up, I find it hard to recapture the desperate feelings I had for a child. Not because I regret having them, I don't, though they have been, and continue to be, hard work. But because I am at a different stage of life.

It's easy for people who have children to say they regret it but love them dearly. Doesn't really mean they wouldn't do the same thing all over again should there be some way to go back to that life stage again. We all make decisions from the place we are in with our lives at the time.

[Happynewtier]

It sounds like a huge incompatibity op. You're never going to agree on this issue, unless one of you gives in and goes along with what the other wants, which shouldn't ever be considered when talking about a potential child. Your husband though, clearly wants a child, had a job involving them, and is obviously upset over the prospect of never having his own. I think for both of your sakes, the best thing would be to consider separation, sooner rather than later, so you can both go and fulfil your lives the way you both see fit. It's going to be hard, and sad, as you obviously love eachother, but definitely not an issue either of you can, or should, compromise on. You will feel immense guilt in the coming years if your husband "gives in" and goes along with a childfree life for you. This won't be fair on either of you, and equally, If you do eventually cave, and have a baby for your husband, the sleepless nights, newborn screaming, toddler tantrums, and general life with organising a primary ages child, will no doubt take their toll on your mental health, and in time your relationship. I do see separation as the only option here. Sorry op

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

It sounds to me like his interest in you is for your money and potential as an incubator. I’d be protecting my assets as much as possible if I were you, and I certainly would not be contemplating a child.

[AnotherEmma]

You're not compatible, you should not have married each other, and you should get divorced.

I'm sorry but based on everything you've written I don't think the two of you can work through this. He wants children and he's pressuring you which is unfair. DO NOT BACK DOWN. I am a parent myself and despite wanting it, I have not exactly loved every minute so far. I can think of nothing worse than doing it to please someone else.

[indecisivewoman81]

Babies grow up to be children. With their own personality and needs. I cannot think of anything worse than being a child with a mother who didn't want them enough.

Children are hard work and change your lives forever.

He wants children and in my opinion won't change his mind (if he has already ended it once).

You don't.

I really feel that the issue of children cannot be compromised.

I always wanted children and would be bereft without them.

[PatchworkElmer]

I don’t think this will end well, OP. Sounds like he does want children but he’s also not quite ready to let you go. Doesn’t sound like he understands or empathises with you either, tbh.

[surelynotnever]

@Sundance2741

I haven't read the whole thread but a good half of it. Just wanted to say adoption is NOT an easier way to have children as some have implied. Not because of the process, but because of the inevitable trauma adopted children bring with them. To adopt requires massive commitment beyond that of having biological children. A good proportion of adoptions break down. It's not because you can't love them as much as your own, but because of the issues that can arise. These can occur even if you adopt a small baby.

Fostering is even harder, especially as social services and birth family can still be involved. It's not a sideline like a bit of volunteering at a youth club.

I would never ever advise someone who didn't want a birth child to adopt or foster instead. I do know what I am talking about as I have two adopted children, having been unable to have my own children (yes, left it to early 30s and my fertility let me down). I have also met many adoptive families over the years.

So please stop suggesting adoption!!

This! You always get this on any ' don't want children' threads - how about adoption? I just cannot fathom the logic of people, who even if they are ignorant enough not to understand the backgrounds and needs of children awaiting adoption, actually think that adopted children are somehow not 'real' children and will be easier, or at least you can make more of a half arsed effort with them so it'll be okay if you're not that into kids.

[StrippedFridge]

Make the decision for him. Cut him loose. It will end up there anyway. Get it over with.

[CharlotteRose90]

Think you need another discussion on this. He’s not your perfect man if he wants kids and you don’t and vice versa. At his age he has time to meet someone and have kids with. He may love you but in time he will resent you I’m sorry to say. Think you were slightly at fault also for suggesting you might have changed your mind. It’s hard when you’re In love but you both deserve honesty.

[Dery]

Dear OP

Firstly - sorry you're in this situation. It is very difficult and painful because there is no way of compromising on whether or not to have children. There is nothing wrong with not wanting children but, like many PP have said, for me it would have been a dealbreaker if DH had not wanted children (and same for him).

What's a bit confusing from your latest updates is that it sounds more as if you just can't bear the thought of being pregnant and going through labour, rather than that you actually don't want children. Your partner may sense that and that might be why he is unable to let this go. And it is obvious that he can't let this go.

But as PP have said, if you required marriage counselling within one year of being married, that suggests there may be more serious problems in this marriage. Your H's response to your concerns about pregnancy sound very dismissive and uncaring indeed. Also you've made a few comments about your money which make it sound a bit as if you think your H may be with you for your money. As PP have said, he has a much longer window of opportunity for having children and may well leave you in 10 or 20 years time if the desire for a child doesn't leave him. Also, there is a real danger that you will start feeling you need to compensate him for not having a child and that will create a really unhealthy dynamic.

It really does sound to me like your marriage will not last. It's very sad when partners love each other but want incompatible things. But there will be men out there with whom you are better suited.

[Unsure33]

Can I just say please let him go . I know a couple were the wife said right from the start she did not want children . But the husband really thought he would change her mind. It went on for years and it was the only reason for the divorce . He was heartbroken about the divorce . Then he married again and his wife said she wanted children . However this was not entirely true and then they had fertility problems as well . By the time they were offered IVF or discussed adoption he was getting older and the wife decided she wanted to change her mind about having children at all . He is still married but very unhappy .

I am not saying you should have children for him but don’t assume this is going to go away .

[Wanderlusto]

No one is talking about adoption as an easy option. OP has a fear of child birth. As do I. I dont want kids of my own. I might adopt one day. It is therefore a logical suggestion.

[Wanderlusto]

• (or would be if op only objects on bodily grounds)

[MixMatch]

@Daisy790 it sounds from your posts that not wanting children stems from your experiences with bulimia and body dysmorphia. Are you having ongoing therapy for this with NHS approved eating dispirder specialists, and have you explicitly mentioned the impact these experiences are having on how you perceive pregnancy and motherhood?

It may be that once you have gone through longer term therapy with appropriate people, specifically exploring this motherhood issue, that your true desire could actually be to be a mum, but you're unable to see that desire now because your eating disorder experiences have been clouding your judgement.

[MixMatch]

*disorder

[SatishTheCat]

I would look at protecting your assets and having ongoing therapy to support you with a view to possibly divorcing.

[AubergineIsMyFavourite]

This has happened to me OP. I too was clear I didn’t want children and my DH said he could accept this although he would have liked children. Ten years on it has become an issue again. It would generally be raised only in an argument when he would say I had prevented him from being a father. However he is now saying this when we are not arguing and from time to time will say he is thinking of leaving so he can have a child with someone before he is too old. This has worsened when people around us are having children and sending us photos of their scans / babies.

I think you are being very realistic here and have been clear with him. However you can’t live under the gauntlet of someone who has one foot in the baby camp.

Whatever you do don’t have a baby to save your marriage because that would be awful for you and it wouldn’t work out the way he hopes either. It is really easy for men to say they want children because their life does not generally change as much as the woman’s. They do get more freedom and it is easier for them to leave.

Stick to your guns OP. The one thing I know for sure is that I was right to say I don’t want children. My ‘mistake’ was compromising to be with someone who deep down does. I wish I had stayed single, travelled and pleased myself or at least found someone who felt exactly the same.

[HoboSexualOnslow]

We went into our relationship as me not wanting children and he was a 'maybe'. He's now seen his friends have children and has firmly hopped into the 'never' camp! Thankfully I'm now getting too old anyway.

[Daisy790]

I just wanted to clarify that although not wanting to experience pregnancy definitely in part is due to my experiences, I've given it a lot of thought the past few years. I wouldn't want to be a parent even if I could skip or just get through a pregnancy. I don't get much enjoyment from children and to me it looks very tedious and unappealing. It seems to have been something I've always known about myself, in the way lots of women know they will love having children and being pregnant etc. I couldn't bear to accidentally make a child feel unwanted.

I also have 2 nieces and a nephew who are all under 10. I love them but I'm always so glad to hand them back to the parents.
My husband has 17 nieces/nephews (big family).
Some are older but he thoroughly enjoys being an Uncle. He just wants what his siblings all have I think.

I think perhaps he also didn't mean to sound as cold as he did. But I also believe now in taking people at what they say.
He is a good man, but in ways I'm realising more and more how different we are.

I really wish I'd given more thought to his background and feelings before assuming to believe when he said he wasn't fussed. I guess it was just what I wanted to hear at some level.

[Onlinedilema]

Op- I think you need to be blunt with him and tell him you are never going to have a child, full stop.
Do not compromise here, actually there isn't a compromise is there? Its you who will risk illness, sickness a changed body and quite frankly doing the majority of the grunt work. It isn't the same for a man, ever. You risk your career too even if you sail through pregnancy , lots from of employers will put you on the back burner.
Look at the boards here and parents you know, what percentage have the man doing 100% of the childcare, getting up with baby 100% of the time? Who will be left holding the baby if your marriage breaks down? Not the father.

[AubergineIsMyFavourite]

Don’t blame yourself OP. Sadly these things happen and it is ok (albeit devastating) to realise you want different things.

It is one issue which can’t be compromised upon without resentment on either side. My DH resents me now because he wants a baby. Of course it’s easy to want something when you don’t have it but every time a friend or family member announces their pregnancy I despair because it is going to bring another round of difficult conversations or DH getting preoccupied over having a child of his own.

I don’t know what the future holds for us because we have been together for many years now. However at 18 months of marriage I think I would have ended our relationship there and then because I would have been worried the issue would only escalate and the issue would divide us further.

Really difficult situation OP but don’t feel under pressure to have a child. Focus on your own goals. I would have felt utterly trapped having a baby. This is your life and it is perfectly ok for you to make this choice. If he wants something different he has to leave. But he can’t stay in your relationship and bring it up or resent you. That’s not fair at all. All choices entail a loss of some sort. Your choice is as valid as his. Please don’t let yourself be browbeaten just because ‘everyone else does it’.

I agree with @Onlinedilema the responsibility always falls to the woman at the end of the day. There are more and more men who seem desperate to have children these days but they are in love with an idea, not the reality because they often don’t know the reality. While women talk to each other about children and read up on it so often have some idea what they are letting themselves in for (although experiencing it is still a shock), men don’t have a clue (I work with families and see this time and time again).

Not having children was the right decision for me and if that means I sacrifice my marriage for it then so be it. Better that than sacrificing myself.

[CherryDocsInYrBalls]

It's just different for men and nobody can predict what he's going to do. It's a red flag he has told you he wants to leave you. I wanted another child and my partner said no...then had an affair and another baby. Men are much freer to leave relationships and start again and he could do that to you whatever you decide to do. If he's already told you he's going to leave you over this you have no choice but to believe him imo