Not wanting children, husband does

[Daisy790]

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

[ScatteredMama82]

@samanthawashington

Have an honest discussion. It was very cruel to indicate you might change your mind. If he wants children the marriage needs to end. It's an incompatible marriage.

It wasn’t cruel! OP said she thought she might, but she reconsidered and ‘no children’ was firmly the stance by the time they got married. You are allowed to change your mind, particularly about such a life-changing decision as having children. It’s unfair of her DH to threaten to leave her, then stay, keeping her feeling guilty for something she’s made clear for a very long time.

[Dery]

Thanks for coming back to update, OP.

Seconding what @ScatteredMama82 said - you sound very sensible.

It’s very hard when two people who love each other want incompatible things but it’s good that you’re so clear on this. He obviously loves and values you, which is why he’s so conflicted, but this will pull you apart in the end. He will meet someone else who wants children and is willing to give him a family. And of course his window of opportunity for this is very wide - as a rule men can comfortably father children well into their 40s and 50s, even beyond. So you risk him leaving for this in 10 or 15 years time, even if you get over this issue temporarily.

And if the relationship is not healthy enough to bring a child into, then it won’t really do for either of you long-term anyway, irrespective of the having children issue.

Good luck, OP.

[AubergineIsMyFavourite]

You are incredibly sensible OP and most importantly you are doing what is right for you.

Live your life the way you want to, not the way he wants to. You may be married but you are your own person. Don’t lose yourself in another person’s wants, needs and whims.

[MaLarkinn]

He will absolutely get over you op so don't let this be your reason to stay in the marriage.

You may or may not change your mind in the future but what you do know for certain now is he does want them.

[GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin]

There is so much of what you've written, OP, that I could have written, and I had a very similar experience.

For those saying OP has been 'unfair' by saying maybe - no, she's been honest. I never wanted children then I got together with now-ex and was utterly knocked sideways to find myself thinking "maybe". I loved him, I loved our life together and I had started to love the idea of us as a little family unit, showing someone the world and us all being together.

Ex knew I was against the idea of having children when we got together but he liked to 'check in' on the idea (in hindsight this was really a "Have I badgered you into changing your mind yet?"), so I was honest when I said I was somewhere between 'no' and 'maybe'. Turns out he heard 'maybe' and turned it into a 'yes, if I push her hard enough'. He promised everything I even mused about - private healthcare, him being the SAHP - but as time went on I realised he had form for agreeing something and then the drip, drip, drip of pushing back would start. I knew I couldn't trust him on that front and the idea of children being a nice idea had long since faded; I was upfront about that. He also used to talk a lot about 'his' children and how he would want them to behave or what he wanted them to be like, and how he would prefer one gender over another which, frankly, made me feel like nothing more than a womb to rent.

The issue of children came up again, I told him that I hadn't moved any closer to wanting kids and I was happy as I was. He said he wanted to be with me, and that was more important. But a few months down the line he started to get increasingly unpleasant in his behaviour which culminated in an ultimatum: children or split. We split, and honestly it was the best thing that ever happened. When I woke up the next morning I was, for the first time in years, free from the crushing weight of someone else's expectations. I know there were a few in our circle who felt I'd 'led him on' but all I'd ever done was be utterly honest. He just refused to listen.

I'm sorry you're going through something similar, OP, but stick to your guns. I hope this evening went as well as it could.

[Sunflower1970]

This issue will always be there. He’s suppressing a real desire and is conflicted because he loves you. You are possibly fending off a situation where your husband is going to end up bitter. He obviously loves children and should go off and fulfill his dream. Just to be clear I have never wanted children either. I fell in love with a widower with an 8 year old so became a parent. I don’t regret it - I love my stepson - even more now he’s at University!!! Those years when he was little were very hard but I gave it my best shot and we have a great relationship. I wish you luck xxx

[Zoolinmyfridge]

I think you are fully decided, and ending your marriage sounds like the right thing to do. I’m sure you’ve considered all possibilities - but I’m a mum via an egg donor? I know this sounds really odd, but I almost find it easier to love as not my genes - but is 50% my partner. Also - would your husband be willing to do the traditional mum role, maybe sacrifice his job somewhat and be mainly responsible for parenting - feeding/nappies/getting up in the night/organising/schooling etc.

[ChaToilLeam]

I’m sorry, OP. It sounds like you are very much on different pages regarding this, I have had relationships end for this reason too. My DP was on the fence about kids but has come to the conclusion he is fine without them, my fertility is coming to an end now and I am entirely happy that I am childfree.

The worst thing would have been for you to have a child for him, and then split anyway, I’ve known this to happen to women and it’s awful, left with a child you never really wanted. A child should be wholeheartedly wanted and welcomed.

[Bythemillpond]

I think he possibly thinks you will change your mind. If you don’t then I think when nature takes the decision away I can see him moving on to someone else.

If you knew he was coming from a place of wanting children and you were coming from a place of not I think it was irresponsible to get married.

Usually it is the other way round and as a woman the click is ticking but in this case he could leave and get what he wants at any time.

[Silverthorny]

*sorry I should say easier to parent - sorry. I have 1 child biologically mine, and 1 not. I love them equally, but I do find my donor egg child easier to parent because I feel that I haven’t inflicted my potential faults on another person! It’s more a self confidence thing, and parenting my biological child has become easier as I’ve grown to accept myself more. This does sound like a very strange thing to write, but it is how I feel.

[ZoeTurtle]

This was one of the reasons for my ex-husband and I splitting. He wanted children, I didn't. There was no negotiation to be had, nowhere to meet halfway. He's now remarried and I hope he and his new wife have a lovely family, if that's still what he wants.

I have zero regrets.

[LApprentiSorcier]

I am childfree by choice - my husband is the same. If he suddenly wanted children he'd have to go elsewhere, even if I hadn't had a hysterectomy.

[LalalalalalaLand123]

Sadly I think you need to let him go OP.
He wants children - that is a huge thing, something that there is no compromise on. You don't.
If he was ambivalent, it would be different; but he's actually said he actively wants children.
You don't - and it would potentially be a disaster if you only had children to please him. Children are unbelievably hard work, and need full committment.
I fear that if you have children to please him, you could end up resentful; and if you don't have children, he could end up resentful. And this resentment will eat away at your relationship.
It's an awful situation OP. It would have been ideal if you'd both agreed on this before now, but I know (from personal experience) that people can easily change opinions on this issue over time, so it's no one's fault. A sad choice faces both of you, good luck OP.

[Daisy790]

Well we have spent the last few days just going round in circles.
He has said that he doesn't want me if we don't have children, and that he will always be waiting for me to change my mind. He said he was leaving several times but never left-
I find the more we talk the more I feel I should try and meet him halfway, but then I wake up the next day fully aware that I can't. I don't know if he is trying to just wear me down or manipulate me :(

Yesterday he said he would choose me over children again but didn't seem happy. He then asked me if I had to choose would it be him so I said (between having kids and him, and losing him) no. Since then things have been very tense as he doesn't agree with what I said.
I think we would be happier in separate lives. Ultimately I want the best for him, but he seems to want to jam me into a mould I'm not happy with just so we can be together.
Just needed to vent :(

[OhamIreally]

@Almostslimjim

Please don't have kids because your husband wants them. You will regret it, it may even break your marriage and you could be left a single parent of children you desperately love but ultimately wish you hadn't had.

OP this is exactly the advice you should be heeding. Many, many men walk out on their children and society does not condemn them. The sacrifices and risks will all be on you and society will bear down and demand it of you in a way it will not of him. He is most probably also aware of this.

[chaosrabbitland]

@Daisy790

Well we have spent the last few days just going round in circles.
He has said that he doesn't want me if we don't have children, and that he will always be waiting for me to change my mind. He said he was leaving several times but never left-
I find the more we talk the more I feel I should try and meet him halfway, but then I wake up the next day fully aware that I can't. I don't know if he is trying to just wear me down or manipulate me :(

Yesterday he said he would choose me over children again but didn't seem happy. He then asked me if I had to choose would it be him so I said (between having kids and him, and losing him) no. Since then things have been very tense as he doesn't agree with what I said.
I think we would be happier in separate lives. Ultimately I want the best for him, but he seems to want to jam me into a mould I'm not happy with just so we can be together.
Just needed to vent :(

im really sorry op , it does sound all very difficult and stressfull to you , honestly i think the writing is on the wall here , hes not seeming happy because really he wants kids and he wants you to want them too . hes forcing himself to say he would choose you over kids i think , but then when you are honest with him he cant handle it , you have got to be true to yourself . if you dont split now i only think just based on what you have written it will limp on miserably for a few more years with you both feeling resentful , the fact hes going on about alternatives like adoption says it all ,, adopting a kid is still being a parent , just you havent given birth to it , i or anybody else on here cant tell you what to do ,but honestly in your shoes i would be finishing it rather than keep on dancing about the maypole , all the talks dont seem to be getting you anywhere and its all coming to the same conclusion , he wants kids and you dont . unless one gives on this its going to always be this way .. and its far too much of a life changing thing to just give in on it . but then you know this already

[RosieGirl27]

I think you need to leave him OP. You obviously love each other but he will resent you if you are the reason he cannot be a father. You know what you want he’s still not 100% as he loves you. I would cut my losses if I were you.

[ZoeTurtle]

Well we have spent the last few days just going round in circles.

It doesn't sound like you can come back from those circles. He's going to leave at some point; if I were you, I'd take control and end it now.

[Biscuitsanddoombar]

I’m so sorry OP, it’s horrible to be in this place. Agree with PP, you can’t meet him half way on this. You can’t half have a child. However much you love each other, you’re not compatible on this issue and it will only drive you apart

End it now rather than death by a thousand cuts

[hallodarknessmyoldfriend]

I think you are being very sensible, OP.

Stand your ground.

You both deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like you'll be if you stay together.

[CruellaDaVille]

OP I have experience from your husband's point of view.
I was the one wanting children.
When I married neither of us wanted children, we were very much in love and had a good life and careers, we talked about kids before marrying and agreed children wasn't in our life plan.
I then became inexplicably broody and desperately yearning to have a family with him, it was because I loved him so much and it was something I wanted to have with him and only him - it hit me out of the blue and didn't go away.
I waited for years for him to change his mind about children and he didn't, it broke my heart, I ended up resenting him and we divorced.
I will always feel sadness about it and this happened decades ago.

[HettySunshine]

@GeeBranzi

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

It's three months and it hasn't been hidden.

[MessAllOver]

Don't give in. Children transform your life completely and there's no going back. It is so easy for men to walk out and pay a minimal amount, and then you're left literally holding the baby without any free time or money for years and years. This happens to so many women despite children being "wanted" by both parents. You should only have children if you really want them, you're in a rock-solid relationship and you both have a strong sense of personal responsibility and duty which will see you through the hard bits (and there are plenty of those).

[AgentJohnson]

Someone needs to be the bigger person admit that you are not compatible on a fundamental level. Neither of you are wrong for wanting or not wanting a child but you are jointly responsible for staying.

It’s time to walk away, you’re going around in circles because you’re waiting for the other to change. Rip the plaster off.