Not wanting children, husband does

[Daisy790]

Hi all, I was looking for advice about one spouse not wanting children and the other wanting them.
I have pretty much known since I was in single digits that I didn't want children. I am now 30 and over the years I've given it quite a lot of consideration. There are many reasons why I don't, and I'm happy with this choice.

My husband (who is 33) knew from the get go how I felt, but there was also a shortish period of maybe 6 months where I suggested maybe it might be nice to have a child together (just from feeling very happy and in love I guess) . I was always clear it was maybe, and in the end I realised it still wasn't what I wanted.

We are now married, and whilst we did discuss it, he said he probably didn't want them anymore either (he always intended to have children before we met) . He was working in childcare for almost 10 years though at this point and was a bit fatigued by kids. It seems now he's left, he really wants kids of his own.

We've only been married 18 months but I'm really worried he is going to be unhappy, and also resent me in the future. I said I couldn't compromise on this, but that I'd understand if he felt he couldnt stay with me. I made it clear I loved him but I wanted him to be happy.

He has said now he'd rather stay with me, as there's no guarantee he'd meet someone and have kids anyway. And that he doesn't want to lose me.
I have tried so hard to think of ways I could compromise and give him what he wants, but I just can't.

Does anyone have advice or experience of this and how did things turn out?
I worry he is settling because financially we are very comfortable (due to my circumstances) and that in won't last, I'd rather know now if things aren't salvageable.

Based on what you’re saying he’s not unsure.
He wants kids
But he’s trying to push those feelings away because he loves you and possibly scared of the unknown ( divorce, single life, finding someone etc)
If you really are adamant , You should split. It’s selfish to deny him being a father, even if he chooses to stay and I think you’re in shaky ground
He might surpress feelings but they won’t go away - then in a year, 5, 10 I would predict he’ll find someone younger to have them with........

Btw I know several adamant no kids women at 30 who by 38/40 were having ivf because they got desperate for a child

I also have 2 nieces and a nephew who are all under 10. I love them but I'm always so glad to hand them back to the parents.

I was never very good with kids. YOUR kids is a completely different thing!

OP,

There is absolutely nothing wrong in knowing children aren't for you.

But as you know this and accept it, and are realising how different you are.....don't spend years floghing it to death and trying to stay in a marriage with a huge elephant in the room.

Don't be used by him either.
He may say, because it suits him, that he doesn't want children, until he has his eye turned and he's off and having a family in 12 months.

Do not be his convenience until a better option comes along.

If he wants children, do not believe him saying it's ok he'll accept things.

He won't.

What was the initial marriage counselling about, OP?

That could be very relevant to how your marriage is right now, even without the child issue.

You sound sure of what you want. The trouble is, so does he, and he seems to be clinging on to that you’ll change your mind... and in the meantime, you’ll never know if he’s holding on to what he has, and the financial implication of that, until he meets someone he can have a family with, or if he’s genuinely okay giving that up.

@grey12

I also have 2 nieces and a nephew who are all under 10. I love them but I'm always so glad to hand them back to the parents.

I was never very good with kids. YOUR kids is a completely different thing!

Yes and no.

When people close to you start having children, i think it helps to solidify in your mind whether you want them or not, because you can see what they have pretty close hand and can get a pretty good idea of whether you want it for yourself. Obviously we love our own children infinitely more than other people's. But when my close friends and siblings started having children, it made me all the more sure that I wanted them too, not because I liked the children themselves (nb I do) but because I saw both the joy and the exhaustion and still wanted it for myself.

I've seen this quite a bit of mumsnet, people who are sure they don't want children being told they'll feel differently about their own. Honestly I'm sure they know that, and you're missing the point!

on mumsnet

So far this week he has said it's over, then changed his mind, and then asked about adoption

I'm sorry to say you might need to accept this is coming to a natural end. It's such a fundamental thing to differ on, and while you're right to resist having children you don't want (and were right gain to be clear before you married), it seems he was hoping you'd have a change of heart that just hasn't happened

You're already on very rocky ground since he's suggesting a split, but it might be this is what's needed so you can both move forward and find happiness with different partners

It can be a make or break for many, but it depends if it’s ‘it would be nice’ or ‘I really want’ for your husband. I can understand you don’t want him to settle, as you are both young and could start again. Have a proper chat with him - and maybe agree a time period - 6 months or a year for him to really think and then stay or go. That’s about all you can do.

Ah I just read the updates... it does sound like you want different things now. Perhaps another few sessions of counselling to talk it through and then it might be tome to move on.

Omg xD

I've always thought people should see a therapist if they DO want kids tbf though. I mean especially women...I always think 'have they never seen a childbirth video?'. I feel like cruella devil when friends announce they are pregnant ('Oh, you poor thing!').

I think there is a huge range from "not bothered either way" to " always known I wanted many children" to " always known it was n't for me".

Life is easier if you know, I wouldn't have persued a relationship where the man wasn't happy to have children. That fact your DH did suggests he is perhaps closer to the middle. However it does sound as if he is becoming keener on the idea.

Honestly I think you should cut him loose

@Wanderlusto

No one is talking about adoption as an easy option. OP has a fear of child birth. As do I. I dont want kids of my own. I might adopt one day. It is therefore a logical suggestion.

OP has also said she does not want to be a parent, so adoption is a non starter anyway.

OP, your relationship is dead in the water, you are not compatible.

I'd go ahead and set the ball rolling to end things now.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist about why you don't want kids?

Has it ever occurred to you that we don't all want the same things?

You seem to imply that a bit of counselling will magically make the OP suddenly think "Ah, Yes, I do want kids" as if all women must automatically want DC.

I have 2 DC who are now late teens. I was ambivalent about having them, I could easily have not bothered. I love them dearly, but I've never really got on with other people's DC, I just tolerate those. I've only got on with DCs friends in the last couple of years, ie, old enough to actually have the makings of an adult conversation.

He responded very much that it would be a waste of money and he'd want to save his money for his child. When I consider that he knows how much I hate the idea of pregnancy and the birth, I felt very dismissed.

You were very much dismissed

And also... his child?

If you were my daughter I'd be asking you to seriously protect yourself financially, emotionally etc before even thinking about continuing at all

I have read your updates
I'm sorry Op, he does not sound at all supportive

How's it going @Daisy790 ?

It sounds to me like you aren’t compatible and your marriage was a mistake. This is just going to get hard! He’s already said it’s over once? Nope. Time to jump

Neither of us wanted kids and we were very happy together. After about 14 years my dh changed his mind. After careful consideration I agreed to try. I gave birth to a baby boy when I was 37 and he was 45. It has been amazing I'm glad I changed my mind. Our son it's 15 now and not many years before we are alone again. We been together 32 years and we are very happy.

Just wanted to update you all as I really appreciate the time you've taken to give me advice.

We have spoken more and at length about it. He feels very strongly it is what he wants.
He spoke a lot about why he wants to have children and I mostly just listened. There wasn't much I could say as I don't share his feelings. Nor do I think our relationship is healthy enough for children.

I've been mulling things over the past few days and thoroughly concluded I don't ever want children. I can't picture any of the scenarios of child raising, good or bad, and feel anything other than objection to it all. It's just not for me.
I am by nature a people pleaser and until more recently was basically a total push over. I want to give him what he wants but I can't because it will cost me my happiness in life.

I'm going to talk to him this evening and let him know my decision is final and see what happens. I don't want us to hang about because he's scared of the unknown and tbh I am starting to feel maybe I would be happier in a relationship where I can embrace being child free. If we stay together I fear I'll always be on egg shells regarding my feelings.
He is scared he might leave me and not find a relationship that gives him what he wants, but I am more scared to stay in a relationship where neither side is content.

You sound very sensible @Daisy790, and I agree that it seems you both want very different things. It's not fair on you, to live your life with someone who feels like you have stopped them having what they want in life.

Have an honest discussion. It was very cruel to indicate you might change your mind. If he wants children the marriage needs to end. It's an incompatible marriage.