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Original poster

Found out DH had private lapdances

219 replies

SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 17:17

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

OP posts:
GypsyLee · 13/01/2021 18:06

Can you trust him, what else has he lied about.
The lapdances aren't the issue, the betrayal would be enough for me.
You have to be able to trust your partner, it's hard if not impossible to get it back.
Good luck, whatever you decide. Flowers

6demandingchildren · 13/01/2021 18:13

I can see why he possibly did it, most probably because his friends egged him on because he wasn't single (men in groups tend to pick on the man who is in a relationship or married).
He probably told you because your marriage is good right now and it's playing on his mind.
To me it's not a big deal but the lying is, as I would rather someone hurt me with the truth than sting me with a lie.
To get over this I think you need to talk to him more so you can understand the situation and how it made him feel then you tell him how you are feeling and how it hurts and why.
Hopefully you will both come out the other side stronger and more open xx

User677 · 13/01/2021 18:15

Why did he confess now? If he's only feeling regretful and guilty due to your response then I'm wondering what prompted this disclosure now? I mean, he knew you didn't like it then and kept quiet both at the time and since so.... Is it because you can't leave now? So he doesn't have to worry? Does he think you don't have any choices?. I think the reason behind his disclosure might be a bigger problem than the private dances.

Neversleepingever · 13/01/2021 18:20

That's such an awful betrayal, OP. And for it to go on for a decade would be unforgivable for me and I would leave the relationship.

Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 18:36

@User677 DH knows that I could and would leave if I wanted to. We had a DD but I have a decent career and earn slightly more than DH so have the means to be financially independent and provide for me and DD should the need ever arise.

I'm not meaning to drip feed so I apologise for not putting this in my OP but it wasn't a random confession we had been watching an old documentary about lapdance bars in Edinburgh and I was commenting about how sleazy the men were. DH went quite and then when I asked what was wrong he came out with it.

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Onthedunes · 13/01/2021 18:36

There's a reason why he suddenly decided to be cruel.
Usually confessions are not about absolution in these circumstances, could he be feeling resentful.

He's just told you he's a liar and capable of lying.
There is another lie on his mind in my opinion.

BloggersBlog · 13/01/2021 18:49

There is another lie on his mind in my opinion

This. If a man admits to something like this, it is because there is something much bigger he wants to gloss over

GretaSheen · 13/01/2021 18:54

Has he ever lied to you since that you know about ?

DrMorbius · 13/01/2021 18:57

Most of us have done daft things when we were young. The MN Borg collective mindset don't like to admit this, but we grow up.

He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too
Very strange mindset on your part Op. Your DP is admitting that he has matured and grown up. What stings about that?

Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 18:59

@GretaSheen I'm not aware of any other lies, our relationship took a dive when DD was born and our ability to communicate was awful, as a last resort before separation we went to counselling.

That was a turning point for us, we said things that were painful during it but came out a much stronger couple who could move forward and learned to communicate better. A couple of years later we're in a great a place and are open and honest with each other.

I assumed anything that he had hidden had been said during those counselling sessions so this knocked me sideways. I wasn't expecting to discover he had lied to me for all of these years and I don't know how to reconcile this with the open and honest DH I'm used to

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 19:02

@DrMorbius I think it's more the realisation that perhaps my view of our relationship back then was maybe rose-tinted

OP posts:
lewes2 · 13/01/2021 19:03

I don't agree that there's necessarily another lie - it came out as you said because of the programme you were watching and he obviously felt real shame about what he's done. I think it's that he is 10 years more mature, you have a child together, and he came out with it without really considering the ramifications of his confession to you. I think you are definitely right to tell him how hard it has been to hear that, how your trust has been dented, and it may take a while to rebuild, but to leave the relationship is an overreaction. Men can be proper arses, and I LOATHE objectification of women, but no doubt he was egged on.

Fran856 · 13/01/2021 19:26

I strongly disagree with people telling you to end your marriage over a LAP DANCE!
I agree it’s not nice , I’d be furious too but a lot of immature groups of lads do this.
My partner is now 30, in his early 20’s he used to go strip clubs with his Mates as it was the only bar that stayed open late , some of them had lap dances too, I think it’s seedy and disrespectful but it’a not a deal breaker as he didn’t carry it on , new stopped , hasn’t escalated into anymore , he’s not some perv sat in them alone every night. I think men see this as a very social thing not saying it’s right but it’s common

Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 19:26

@lewes2 if there were other issues at play I'd leave but I'm in agreement that to leave over this would be an overreaction. I don't think he has said it to cover another lie. He has said he has wanted to tell me before but didn't for fear it would be the final nail in the relationship but felt that as we're in a good place that he could without fear that it would blow into an argument.

He hasn't suggested that his friends egged him on, he did initially blame being drunk but I pushed back and said I would have taken that as a contributing factor if it had been one occasion and he felt awful afterwards and didn't repeat it.

I do also think he had an unrealistic expectation that because we are in a good place and it was a longtime ago that my reaction would be a shrug of the shoulder and nothing more, I don't think he thought I'd be so hurt and upset and him doing it and the lying.

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IJustWantSomeBees · 13/01/2021 19:27

If you don't want to leave him you'll just have to let time dull the resentment. There is no quick fix for no longer feeling angry when your partner cheats and deceives you.

I always think it's quite selfish when people confess to these things so many years on. He knows your very unlikely to leave because you've now built a life with him, the only purpose it serves is to ease his guilt.

Clymene · 13/01/2021 19:30

I've done a lot of daft things. But not things that I knew would lead to my partner leaving me and lied about them for 10 years.

Your husband basically paid for a woman to perform sex acts for him. Not once but several times.

Any man who does that has zero respect for women as equal human beings. Scummy behaviour.

Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 19:30

@IJustWantSomeBees I think you're correct in that he's told me to ease his guilt without thinking of how it would make me feel.

I've asked him to just let me process this information and to give me the space to do that, unfortunately he's taken to asking constantly if I'm ok because he's noted I'm quiet and asking what he can do to make things better.

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Clymene · 13/01/2021 19:31

And not only did he lie but he knew how you felt about it and did it anyway.

That's how much respect he has for you.

NovemberR · 13/01/2021 19:31

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now

I'd have to be blunt and say to him, Well, that's not possible. You can't undo something you've done - and if I'm honest I don't think I'll ever feel quite the same about you again. I'll always have a bit less respect for you. It was sleazy and a bit shit behaviour and it's made me look at you in a different way.

I probably wouldn't immediately end the relationship. But you've insisted that you're in a great place and can be open and honest with each other. That would be my honest opinion.

Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 19:34

@Clymene this is another thing I'm trying to reconcile as I would have sworn to anyone that DH was very respectful of women both in how he treated them or spoke about them. I've never heard him speak about a women in any which way that could be considered derogatory or sleazy and I'd have put money on DH not being the type to pay for something like that. I feel like there's a side to DH he's hidden or I've not picked up on

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ThePlantsitter · 13/01/2021 19:38

Since you don't want to leave him I would tell him that this is his chance to get any other lies off his chest. Because the next one will finish your rel'ship. Then I suppose you have to learn to live with this sadness and he has to learn to live with it too.

Clymene · 13/01/2021 19:39

I don't have any male friends who would go to lap dancing clubs in the first place so I don't know how you've been squaring that one for all this time anyway but that that's by the by.

I don't think I could ever view him in the same way again. And as for badgering you to forgive - no. You made your position clear, he chose to ignore that and he chose to let you build a relationship on a lie. You have the right to reconsider everything.

You must feel totally blindsided.

Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 19:43

@ThePlantsitter I've already asked if there is anything else and made clear that now is the time to come clean, that if anything else comes out at a later date when he's been given this opportunity then I'll be gone.

He's sure there is nothing else he's lied about or is hiding. I have to accept that for now but he knows that I would carry through on going if something else rears its head further down the road that he didn't tell me now

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Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 19:45

@Clymene none of the male friends I have or had would go to those sorts of clubs either and neither would the friends DH has now but back then the friends he had are whole other story unfortunately

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WhereHaveAllTheUsernamesGone · 13/01/2021 19:49

none of the male friends I have or had would go to those sorts of clubs either

Tbh, you can't possibly know this.

Until he told you otherwise, you thought exactly the same of your husband.