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Original poster

Found out DH had private lapdances

219 replies

SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 17:17

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 13/01/2021 19:51

I can understand why you're upset OP but in the grand scheme of things is it something to lose your relationship over? He admits he was wrong and that he values you now so much more.

I think with lock downs and covid a lot of people have had lots of time to think and then try to unburden themselves about guilt not really thinking about the effects other than the release of it for them!

Just stress that you need process time not to pester you. I get that it's a shock but if it was me no I wouldn't lose my marriage over it.

I had an ex contact me apologising that he did cheat on me 12 years ago....... Was quite bemused about it all!

LionelMessy · 13/01/2021 19:52

A lot of people perhaps weren't saints before they were married.
It's not nice, but maybe he felt your relationship was strong currently and you'd be angry - but could forgive.

He misjudged it. You are hurt.

It was 10 years ago. Not worth splitting up over IMO.

But it's how you feel,
and not dozens of random posters here with a dozen opinions.

Itstimetoquit · 13/01/2021 19:53

The lies would be the one thing I couldn't cope with personally,I think if you still want him he's a very lucky man,could you trust him completely in the future?

MolotovMocktail · 13/01/2021 20:01

Sorry but whoever said a lap dance is basically performing a sex act is being completely ridiculous. I don’t blame OP for being upset and disappointed but let’s not blow it out of proportion.

Clymene · 13/01/2021 20:10

@MolotovMocktail

Sorry but whoever said a lap dance is basically performing a sex act is being completely ridiculous. I don’t blame OP for being upset and disappointed but let’s not blow it out of proportion.
Do you know what a private dance is?
IJustWantSomeBees · 13/01/2021 20:17

@MolotovMocktail

Sorry but whoever said a lap dance is basically performing a sex act is being completely ridiculous. I don’t blame OP for being upset and disappointed but let’s not blow it out of proportion.
It's performed purely for sexual arousal/gratification, I definitely count that as being a sex act. Plus, many private 'dances' also literally include sexual acts such as groping, fingering or blowjobs, depending on which strip club you go to - OP hasn't specified whether this was the case in her partner's use of them though.
Original poster
SugarPlumRoar · 13/01/2021 20:26

@IJustWantSomeBees DH has stated that they were fully nude dancers and that his hands were behind his back however the ladies were to top of him and that there was groping on a couple of occasions by the dancers although maintains that there was no touching behind his back and that the security watching would throw anyone out who removed their hands let alone tried to touch the dancers

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 13/01/2021 20:28

Fully nude?! Christ, you're a stronger woman than I, OP, I'd have thrown him out the window upon hearing that.

Clymene · 13/01/2021 20:31

This woman is a former lap dancer. It's grinding, nude in this case, on a man's lap.

That's a sex act.

www.bohemianwritings.com/crossroads/whatdoesaprivatedanceinvolve

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/01/2021 21:19

@MolotovMocktail

Sorry but whoever said a lap dance is basically performing a sex act is being completely ridiculous. I don’t blame OP for being upset and disappointed but let’s not blow it out of proportion.
A man paying a woman to grind, fully nude, on his lap is a man literally paying for a sex act...
MsDogLady · 13/01/2021 23:15

He knew your red line was lap dances and that you considered that a form of cheating. Nevertheless, he proceeded to cheat 4 or 5 times by paying nude sex workers to grope and grind on him.

Of course you are crushed. You are just now learning that he was unfaithful and has been lying for many years. He even manipulated the counseling sessions by withholding this. You now know that he is capable of lying if it suits his agenda.

My trust and respect for him would be plummeting.

Countingthebeat · 14/01/2021 00:05

@DrMorbius

Most of us have done daft things when we were young. The MN Borg collective mindset don't like to admit this, but we grow up.

He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too
Very strange mindset on your part Op. Your DP is admitting that he has matured and grown up. What stings about that?

No I havnt ever had a pap dance in my life . I’d be curious to know why you think most people have . And also curious to know what women here have had men give them lap dances when they were younger If you’re referring to ‘ men ‘ when you say ‘ most of us ‘ maybe you can also explain why most men feel entitled to act like shits
Countingthebeat · 14/01/2021 00:07

And yes OP it’s really just another form of prostitution paying a women to grind on him almost naked . It’s your call but I couldn’t be with a man who thought paying women for sexual services was ok and thinks women are commodities to be bought

jeaux90 · 14/01/2021 00:08

I'd be grossed out by the fact he ever thought it was ok to pay for access to a woman's body.

Clearly doesn't see women as his equal.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 14/01/2021 00:25

People can change a lot in 10 years OP, including growing up, changing their perspectives, priorities etc.

I'll admit to having had a private dance from a girl in a club, I did it simply because I was there with other people who were doing it. It didn't arouse me at all, I didn't find it titillating, I didn't give any thought to the moral and ethical implications at the time. I told my partner about it a few months after the event and he was totally indifferent because he realised it meant absolutely nothing to me and it was something I did mainly due to peer pressure.

I've had conversations about hypotheticals with my current partner, and while they have absolutely no objections to the concept of me participating in another private dance, I don't have any intention of doing so, because in the intervening years I've changed from being ambivalent about the whole thing to feeling mildly uncomfortable at the thought.

So I certainly didn't get any sort of sexual arousal or gratification from it, and yes, I'm sexually attracted to women. I told my partner purely out of a sense of being comfortable enough with them that I felt I could be honest. There was nothing else I was trying to 'hide' or 'gloss over', and there was no hidden reason for me mentioning it beyond having had time to contemplate it, put it into context, and be fundamentally honest with someone with whom I had a relationship based on trust. Likewise, I'm being completely honest with my current partner that it happened in the past, that I feel no desire whatsoever to indulge in it again, and it's not something that interests me, to the point that I'd now actively decline an invitation to go to a strip club, never mind actually have a private dance.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/01/2021 00:39

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

People can change a lot in 10 years OP, including growing up, changing their perspectives, priorities etc.

I'll admit to having had a private dance from a girl in a club, I did it simply because I was there with other people who were doing it. It didn't arouse me at all, I didn't find it titillating, I didn't give any thought to the moral and ethical implications at the time. I told my partner about it a few months after the event and he was totally indifferent because he realised it meant absolutely nothing to me and it was something I did mainly due to peer pressure.

I've had conversations about hypotheticals with my current partner, and while they have absolutely no objections to the concept of me participating in another private dance, I don't have any intention of doing so, because in the intervening years I've changed from being ambivalent about the whole thing to feeling mildly uncomfortable at the thought.

So I certainly didn't get any sort of sexual arousal or gratification from it, and yes, I'm sexually attracted to women. I told my partner purely out of a sense of being comfortable enough with them that I felt I could be honest. There was nothing else I was trying to 'hide' or 'gloss over', and there was no hidden reason for me mentioning it beyond having had time to contemplate it, put it into context, and be fundamentally honest with someone with whom I had a relationship based on trust. Likewise, I'm being completely honest with my current partner that it happened in the past, that I feel no desire whatsoever to indulge in it again, and it's not something that interests me, to the point that I'd now actively decline an invitation to go to a strip club, never mind actually have a private dance.

OP's husband did it multiple times though, bit different.
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 14/01/2021 00:46

OP's husband did it multiple times though, bit different

Perhaps, but that still doesn't mandate that there must be some sort of sinister reason why he's confessing to this now. It could simply be that he's contrite, feels entirely different about it now than he did at the time, and feels it's necessary to be honest with OP when previously he did not.

Sandals19 · 14/01/2021 00:51

Grinding and gyrating on a man's lap/crotch naked is not a sex act - riiight.

Bet it would be a sex act to the men who have private dances if their partners did the same for another man.

Well, op you are owed several private strips from male strippers - there was a club called Caesars in Streatham in London that did this, but not sure if it's open anymore (they had a typical "male revue" with male strippers thing downstairs but then a male lap dancing club upstairs called lap attack. I went there when my partner had a "table" dance on a stag do (so he said). It's amazing how it focuses their little minds on the issues involved.
Of course you could always just hire a male stripper instead, to a hotel room or something. Then you can tell him about it in ten or so years time.

It's all in reaction though (to what they've done) so it's never even.

It's the sexual betrayal/lack of exclusivity combined with the lying. V hard to get past.

And yes you think they're a different, much baser/sleazier etc person than you thought. And you don't trust them to tell you the truth. It's about integrityb- on two fronts.

You want to stay so I don't know what to advise. Revenge helps some people, not others.

Keeping a clear mind about what he is capable of/what he's like .. in case that emerges again to your detriment in future might be wise. And acting accordingly around your commitment, finances etc.

All I can say is that he clearly got caught up with his mates, justified it to himself as ok, and compartmentalised it. That was supposed to make you feel.better, but I've realised in writing it that compartmentalising people are not trustworthy. I'd be protecting yourself in the marriage.

BananaPop2020 · 14/01/2021 00:51

This was over TEN years ago! Seriously, let it go! You have said your relationship is totally different and that you have no intention of ending things....so why are you hanging onto this? Honestly, life is far too short and the current state of the world should put this in clear perspective.

Countingthebeat · 14/01/2021 01:00

@MolotovMocktail

Sorry but whoever said a lap dance is basically performing a sex act is being completely ridiculous. I don’t blame OP for being upset and disappointed but let’s not blow it out of proportion.
So it’s ok for you if your a woman to grind on another man whilst naked and your partner doesn’t mind ? Or if your a man it’s fine for your partner to do so ? Because , hey it’s not a sex act according to you lol
Sandals19 · 14/01/2021 01:00

..so why are you hanging onto this?

Because she only recently found out???

She's not "hanging into anything".

Personally I think I'd finish if I found this out and I'd done nothing to him.

The coming back to my bed after having private nude "strips" from other women would cause me utter rage.

Hmm Perspective ... Maybe it goes the other way: re..spending time with and supporting people who lack integrity.

Sandals19 · 14/01/2021 01:02

The time aspect is just more disrespect and manipulation .. you have to let it go because it's so long ago. But it's only so long ago because I lied to you about it for so long.

BananaPop2020 · 14/01/2021 01:08

@Sandals19 OP has made clear she will not be ending the relationship, so.......? What’s next then?

Deadringer · 14/01/2021 01:08

It's the whole mentality of it that I hate, a group of guys saying hey lets leave our wives and girlfriends at home and pay some random women to grind naked on us. It's fucking gross and it is a form of cheating imo. And not just once, but several times, so these were entitled men who think that women (well some women) exist for their amusement. What you can do about it after all this time is a conundrum though.

BananaPop2020 · 14/01/2021 01:09

@MolotovMocktail I totally agree, this talk of a lap dance being a sex act is WAY off - or at least it would have been 10+ years ago.