Found out DH had private lapdances

[SugarPlumRoar]

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

I think it's just going to take time.

DH did some things that devastated me over a longish period of time. Over several years I did forgive him. It has changed our relationship but it's happy and "secure" again.

It's very new information and very raw right now

I've also worked in a club and seen it.

And what happens in some clubs goes beyond even nude grinding.

I don't where some posters who comment on these threads have been to base their opinions on private dances on .... It's bizarre what they think a lap dance is (or rather isn't).

@Sandals19 it’s not “absolute bollocks”. You are not the only person with a knowledge of this industry.

@IJustWantSomeBees

If you don't want to leave him you'll just have to let time dull the resentment. There is no quick fix for no longer feeling angry when your partner cheats and deceives you.

I always think it's quite selfish when people confess to these things so many years on. He knows your very unlikely to leave because you've now built a life with him, the only purpose it serves is to ease his guilt.

This.

I don't believe the type of man that goes to a lap dancing club, has a private lap dance not once but on a number of occasions would willingly admit ten years later to his actions.

Yes call me cynical also because I'd just think.... WHY?

You are not the only person with a knowledge of this industry..

Are you actually trying to say private lap dances do not include;

Full nudity
Grinding
Intention of sexual stimulation & titillation

.... Or do you just not see those as a sex act.

If it's the former; you're tripping; most do.

If it's the latter; I'll leave you to your dubious interpretation of what is and isn't "a sex act" (to use your term).

To the people saying it's not a sex act, or that it means nothing, if you're a bloke with a female partner would you genuinely be ok with her being naked and grinding on another bloke? Or being naked and dancing for another bloke?

If not, maybe have a think again about your stance and how it might be a double standard...

@Sandals19 let me be clear - I made the point that you are not the only person with experience of the industry. I made no reference to nudity. I am not “tripping”. I don’t know what sort of clubs you frequent, but the current SEV legislation makes clear the policy and practice for these establishments. Whether or not some clubs comply is a different matter.

@SugarPlumRoar you must be devastated. Your entire relationship of 10+ has been based on lies.
Even when you both went to counselling he still didn't tell the truth. The last few years of 'openness and truth' have been yet another tissue of lies.

If it's not a sex act what is it? What exactly are you paying for then?

I think in your case I could possibly get over what 10 years ago DH did but what 3 years ago DH did by not talking about it during marriage counselling would really shake my trust.

You've decided you're not leaving though OP and that's absolutely your right but it might be easier if you accept that your H lies sometimes.

@BananaPop2020

Your sustained argument is that private lap dances are not "sex acts".

Even precluding penetrative sex, oral sex, and outright hand job (outside of clothing) ... Grinding on a man's genitals through his trousers, since most private lap dances do not maintain distance between lap and ass/vulva; is a sex act.

And the context - full nudity, moving in a way intended to arousd and si.ukste movement during sex (gyrating, twerking, grinding etc)also makes it a sex act.
It is entirely sexual in nature.

You're splitting hairs.

And I'm not sure why you're minimising.

*simulate

@youvegottenminuteslynn

To the people saying it's not a sex act, or that it means nothing, if you're a bloke with a female partner would you genuinely be ok with her being naked and grinding on another bloke? Or being naked and dancing for another bloke?

If not, maybe have a think again about your stance and how it might be a double standard...

Exactly.

@SugarPlumRoar To be honest, where you went wrong was staying with a man who goes to strip clubs in the first place. These men, including him, specifically go there to enjoy ogling, objectifying and getting sexually turned on by other women and the power dominance that comes with that. Whether other men happen to be there ("public") or not ("private") while he's experiencing it, is immaterial. It's delusional to think that such a man would be truly respectful of women. And he's just shown that by lying to you for a decade.

@Sandals19, I don’t know why you are incapable of responding to the direct and succinct replies I have made to you. Again, have a look at the SEV legislation and then come back to me.

I appreciate everyone has a differing opinion on if a lap dance constitutes a sex act or if you would be bothered if your DH/DP had one but for me personally I do believe it's a sex act.

DH unfortunately doesn't believe it is a sex act though he couldn't really answer me when I asked him if I were to give him a lap dance what would effect would he be hoping it had on him and what would he want it to lead to. Apparently that's different because I'm his DW. I disagree.

I'd like the space to process this but lockdown isn't really affording me with that as we're both working from home and DD needs homeschooling and I think DH is terrified that if he gives me too much space that I'll decide I'm leaving. I'm not leaving I just haven't told DH that it's 100% off the cards

@Onthedunes

I don't believe the type of man that goes to a lap dancing club, has a private lap dance not once but on a number of occasions would willingly admit ten years later to his actions.

Yes call me cynical also because I'd just think.... WHY?

The OP sounds like the naive type of woman - even her partner openly said he was taking her for granted all of that time. I'm sure he would have left the relationship if she was frequenting male strip clubs but he found a woman who's fine with that misogynistic double standard so no wonder he felt entitled to continue what he was doing and risk taking things further. Unfortunately it wouldn't be surprising at all if much more cheating of different types also happened. :(

I'm not meaning to drip feed so I apologise for not putting this in my OP but it wasn't a random confession we had been watching an old documentary about lapdance bars in Edinburgh and I was commenting about how sleazy the men were. DH went quite and then when I asked what was wrong he came out with it.

So you both were watching and he only piped up after your 'sleazy men' comment? Makes me think it stung him being called sleazy. It's not the first time I've heard of some men doing this, they usually are very vocal about morality and how moral they are and their image of being a Good Guy despite their actions showing otherwise. Basically deluded. He has a lot to unpack here (not your responsibility OP he needs to do this), but his number one priority is to respect what you've asked of him - he's still being disrespectful of you by hassling you for a quick fix.

DH unfortunately doesn't believe it is a sex act though he couldn't really answer me when I asked him if I were to give him a lap dance what would effect would he be hoping it had on him and what would he want it to lead to. Apparently that's different because I'm his DW. I disagree.

Have you asked him if it's not a sex act then would he be fine with you doing this with another man?

The programme indices the confession, he feels guilty and the relationship now sounds much better so he may feel more secure to tell you. Maybe I'm too forgiving but it was 10 years ago, before you married. Yeah the lying isn't great does he know everything about you? I wouldn't be worried about it TBH, although I haven't been through that myself.

DH unfortunately doesn't believe it is a sex act though he couldn't really answer me when I asked him if I were to give him a lap dance what would effect would he be hoping it had on him and what would he want it to lead to.
So if it's not a sex act, he would have no issue with you performing it on a random man?
Or a male stripper doing exactly the same thing to you?

Bollocks.

@SugarPlumRoar

I appreciate everyone has a differing opinion on if a lap dance constitutes a sex act or if you would be bothered if your DH/DP had one but for me personally I do believe it's a sex act.

DH unfortunately doesn't believe it is a sex act though he couldn't really answer me when I asked him if I were to give him a lap dance what would effect would he be hoping it had on him and what would he want it to lead to. Apparently that's different because I'm his DW. I disagree.

I'd like the space to process this but lockdown isn't really affording me with that as we're both working from home and DD needs homeschooling and I think DH is terrified that if he gives me too much space that I'll decide I'm leaving. I'm not leaving I just haven't told DH that it's 100% off the cards

Ask him directly how he would feel if you were out, got pissed and gave another man a naked lap dance.

Would he genuinely, with a straight face say that isn't a sex act and he wouldn't consider it as you cheating?

If not, why not? Because it's OK to objectify women to the point he doesn't believe he had an interaction with a real person? He did. They were just a stripper. They are real people. This one was a real, naked, woman who danced for and on him.

He'd be ok with you doing that to another bloke? Would he fuck, no chance.

You say you're definitely not leaving him, so this whole thing is a bit of a non-starter, isn't it? You will stay with him anyway. So what is there to discuss?

You are saying that your own feelings come second, because no matter how you feel, you'll be staying with him anyway. You don't matter.

There's not an easy way to get to feeling good again from that starting point.

I'm sorry, OP. What a shit situation he's put you in.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now

I mean, he can start by admitting that just because money changed hands, it doesn't mean it wasn't a sex act. He seems to be trying to downplay what he actually did, to avoid taking responsibility for it. He's effectively cheated on you several times. He knew where your line was and he crossed it, then didn't tell you because he knew you wouldn't be okay with it.
As for his desperation for it not to affect your relationship now, he needs to wake up. Of course it's going to affect it. He cheated - in your idea of the word; where other people lay their boundaries is irrelevant - and he concealed it for a decade, then admitted it. He dropped a bombshell. I get that you don't want to leave him, but do you feel he's actually fully taken responsibility for what he did?