Found out DH had private lapdances

[SugarPlumRoar]

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

@Sandals19 I took on board your suggestion last night but amended it, I asked DH what he thought the purpose of a nude dance was. He couldn't really answer me.

I then asked him if I was in a bar or club and decided to start dancing with a male proactively and rubbing against him would he be happy. He said no he would be upset because that's a different environment.

So I broke that down for him that he would be upset with me dancing like that in an open space full of people with someone who isn't him, even though we would both be fully clothed and I had no intention of doing anything else with this bloke and walked away after one song. Yes he would be upset that would be a betrayal to our relationship.

Once that had sunk in I then laid it out in graphic detail what he had did and frankly the look on his face was something I've never seen from him before.

I think he knows its a sex act but he just won't admit it out loud because he knows what it would say about him. He's always been very anti-cheating and if he admits its a sex act he's got to admit he's cheated on me several times with different women.

I don't like to weaponise DD and she's so little so I've never brought her into it before but I asked last night if he would be happy if in years to come she told him that a partner of hers had a lapdance, he was horrified and immediately said no he would be angry and want to hurt the person and then went very quiet

@SugarPlumRoar it sounds like he now has a full understanding of the implications and level of hurt he has caused you.
Hopefully you can rebuild from here now that everything has been laid down and he has a full understanding of his actions be it a long time ago.

it sounds like he now has a full understanding of the implications and level of hurt he has caused you.

Call me pedantic bit should he really have needed that explained to him?

I think most people feel uncomfortable having close contact with, nudity, interaction that is not "normal" with people of the opposite sex; when they're in an intimate relationship. You are seeing someone nude, and having close contact with them, with the intention of it being sexually arousing and titillating and enjoyable ... And I think that sets off your monogamy/intimacy/sexual exclusivity "alarms"/discomfort. It feels wrong when you're in an intimate relationship with someone you care about. You don't need told that. He knew it and didn't care (or didn't feel that).

Also regardless if he got it fully at the time, he choose to do it against ops wishes, behind her back, and lie to her about it - several time.

Once that had sunk in I then laid it out in graphic detail what he had did and frankly the look on his face was something I've never seen from him before.

Or is he just realising that you're not naive about private dances in strip clubs like many women are, that you're thinking about this, that you're not sweeping it under the carpet, that there's damage here and you might actually finish the relationship or at the v least he'll have a hard time for a while. (That you might even feel free to do something similsr in future and he won't be able to protest without being an utter hypocrite and disproving his own opinion that it's not a ses act that's inappropriate/essentially cheating in a relationship).

*sex act

You're obviously quite young and I don't think it's unusual for things like this to happen in the early days of a relationship, it's just that most women don't find out about them. Some men do take a lot longer to grow up and it sounds like you've worked a lot out between you in the years since. I know my husband and I are very different people than we were in the early days of our relationship. You seem pretty on-the-ball and I doubt your husband would be able to pull-the-wool over your eyes easily - especially now. I think I'd try and move on - it's in the past and we do all make mistakes. If you have a good, trusting relationship now, that's all that matters.

You said he admitted he took you for granted in the early years of the relationship.

It's clear he was ok with having physically intimate Interaction with other women then (with the context of a strip club conveniently making it not cheating his mind) and he was ok with disregarding your (reasonable) feelings & wishes .. and he was ok with lying to you about it (by omission).

Even if you feel he changed and invested etc since then - I suppose you'll have to deal with your feelings about this being the case in the earlier years of your relationship. And it wasn't actually apparent until recently so you're having to get your head around this now.

There is the possibility that he just doesn't feel uncomfortable about intimacy with people other than his partner, and about lying to his partner full stop. It's strange he's told you this, apparently quite casually, recently. If that's the case, it doesn't make him v trustworthy.

I'd be interested to know why, if he thinks ynrybwrebt sex acts/sexual and weren't highly inappropriate; why he didn't mention any of them. Having come back to your bed after the nights out he had them on .

*they weren't

I think he knows its a sex act but he just won't admit it out loud because he knows what it would say about him. He's always been very anti-cheating and if he admits its a sex act he's got to admit he's cheated on me several times with different women.

Exactly. The logic just doesn't stand up.
If it's just work and not a sexual thing whatsoever, then theoretically it's no issue for him or FIL to get a lap-dance from say, your DD when she's 18 and working in a LD club. If she worked in a pub, bank, gp surgery, chipper, or most jobs out there, there would be no issue providing the service to a male relative. Except, DD as a lapdancer performing for a male relative would be incomprehensible for both her and the male relative - Why? That's where his argument falls to pieces. Because it IS sexual. The whole purpose of the service is that a man pays to get intentionally turned on by a naked woman.
So for him to say it's just some sort of entertainment job is disingenuous. It's sex work. He availed of a service provided by the sex industry. He knew it then and he knows it now.

he was horrified and immediately said no he would be angry and want to hurt the person and then went very quiet

It's all very strange that he couldn't realise this himself ... So he thought it was ok, bit somehow didbt ever tell you he was doing it/had done it .. until a decade later.

How can something be simultaneously "nothing" and not wrong, but then you keep it from your partner at the time and for years later .

@Drinkingallthewine

I think he knows its a sex act but he just won't admit it out loud because he knows what it would say about him. He's always been very anti-cheating and if he admits its a sex act he's got to admit he's cheated on me several times with different women.

Exactly. The logic just doesn't stand up.
If it's just work and not a sexual thing whatsoever, then theoretically it's no issue for him or FIL to get a lap-dance from say, your DD when she's 18 and working in a LD club. If she worked in a pub, bank, gp surgery, chipper, or most jobs out there, there would be no issue providing the service to a male relative. Except, DD as a lapdancer performing for a male relative would be incomprehensible for both her and the male relative - Why? That's where his argument falls to pieces. Because it IS sexual. The whole purpose of the service is that a man pays to get intentionally turned on by a naked woman.
So for him to say it's just some sort of entertainment job is disingenuous. It's sex work. He availed of a service provided by the sex industry. He knew it then and he knows it now.

What a brilliant post.

Indeed it's not even just "entertainment" as one poster argued.

I haven't told him that me leaving is off the table, it's probably pretty cruel of me but I haven't wanted to let him think he's safe and off the hook for this.

He went out for a walk with DD this morning before I woke, I'd gone into one of the rooms to start working, earlier than I had planned to start working and in a different room to where I've been working this week as it was cold in my usual spot, when he came back he went straight upstairs to the bedroom with DD to wake me. He was in absolute blind panic, I could hear him blowing in and out of the rooms looking for me and when finally found me he was white as a sheet and looked absolutely dreadful admitting panicked and thought I'd left him.

He isn't off the hook and there will be further discussions but I think the conversation last night has landed a punch on him.

@Sandals19 I wish it was lying by omission, it wasn't it was outright lying as I remember on several occasions asking him if he had been in that club which he would usually say yes but only for a drink and to get easier access through to the nightclub it joins and I remember asking if he had a dance and he would always say he hadn't so it was blatant lying.

I think his defence is that it is a professional, acceptable entertainment envoiroment.

Good.

Go and have a professional Swedish, or sports massage with a reputable male masseuse. Lots of men not keen on that idea.

What can he say?

I truly believe he's been taken by surprise at my level of anger or upset about this and that I keep pushing and won't just accept his answers.

He knows I've never been the sit back and take it at face value type, I've always asked questions and always been very honest in my opinions so why my reaction has surprised him so much I don't know. I'm fiercely independent and whilst I do love DH he knows I'm more than capable of standing on my own two feet and that I do not need him.

Some of his responses have been contradictory and just don't make sense which is why I do believe he knows it's wrong, he knows its a sex act and he knows its cheating, he just doesn't want to admit that to himself or me because of how he would feel about himself. But he's got a long way to go before he wins me round in any shape or form. The more he puts his head in the sand the more determined I am to dig my heels in that I'm holding a mirror up to him

I haven't told him that me leaving is off the table, it's probably pretty cruel of me but I haven't wanted to let him think he's safe and off the hook for this.

No, I don't think it's cruel at all. He needs a damn good fright. He willingly and knowingly crossed a line a decade ago and lied to your face about it in the intervening years and only admitted it when he felt it was safe enough to disclose without you leaving him.
He's had a decade to process his transgression. You can take your time processing this too. I'd be making it clear I'm contemplating leaving over this, for months if need be.

it's probably pretty cruel of me

Well I think it's much crueler to have nude private lap dances with a serious gf at home, knowingly doing it when she's asked you not to (many women would've said they didn't want him in the strip.clubs with mates full stop) and (now you say) not even lying by omission about it to her, but outright lying about not doing it. Continuing that lie for years while she committed and invested Inna relationship with you, had her wedding day, had you child .. and now tell her a decade later (having not mentioned it in counselling) while you're trying to conceive a second child.

What you're doing isn't in the same universe of cruelty - and is only happening as a direct result of his behaviour.

You said he's not good at communy.

I predict (even if he wasn't like that but more so because he is) that he'll.oy take so much of this before you'll be told to let it go or he's going to lose the plot/hurt himself/walk out etc.

*communicating

Whatever happens, you can process this in your time.

He certainly took his time telling you.

A decision not to leave now dues not mean a decision not to leave in future.
You can leave anytime for anything.

While some do not, I agree this is a firm of cheating .. in fact I find it laughable that behaviour and contact that would be cheating in 99% in people's books while outside the walls of a lap dancing club, is somehow not cheating the second you've walked through the door of one. Apparently because they do it for everyone and anyone, and you're not in a relationship with them etc (among varied excuses). Nope, not buying that.

Anyway, it is a form of cheating but o top of that you made it clear it was a line for you (more "reasonable" than many people would be in accepting him being in them outside of a stag do) and he knew it, and he crossed it - several times - and lied to your face about it.
It's significant, you possibly would e ended the relationship if you'd known. Which means your relationship is not based on what you thought it was, you bought something that was not what you thought it was/what it was "advertised as". It would be fraud in another realm.

DH isn't the type to say he would leave etc if I didn't drop it, he would suffer in silence.

He's already asked if I would go to counselling with him again and I've declined at the moment but suggested he go to counselling himself and talk his actions through with a neutral party.

I've also made that point to him that he has known this for over a decade. I've known less than a week so this is new information for me and it feels like for me that he's only done it recently, I appreciate it's in the past for him and that it did happen over a decade ago but it doesn't feel like that for me. He seemed to understand when I explained that to him and has stopped the whole I just want to go back to how we were.

My relationship especially in the early years isn't what I thought it was. I thought I had a DP back then who loved me, respected me and valued me and held our relationship in high regard. That's turned out not to be true so yes it has rocked the very core of what I believed. He hasn't considered that.

Do I believe he's the same person he was 10 years ago? No, he's very different to then and so am I but that doesn't make this less painful.

As an aside and I'm truly not making excuses for him here, but there was a dramatic change in his behaviour and attitude when we moved away and he lost contact with the majority of those friends who he went to strip clubs with and he did become much more mature. That doesn't excuse or mitigate what he has done however but it does reassure me slightly that he probably is telling the truth that he hasn't been near a strip club since we moved.

Maybe it’s time be kind to yourself and your husband and try to leave it behind for a bit? He clearly knows how you feel and where you stand. If you want to move forward, give him a chance to prove how much he cares. I doubt he’ll do anything like it again as he knows what he may lose.

I doubt he’ll do anything like it again as he knows what he may lose.

He knew what he stood to lose at the time and he didn't care. He didn't regret it at the time as he did it multiple times.

I couldn't be in the same room as him if I were the OP, tbh.

It depends how long ago it happened, if he’s learned his lesson and grown up and if there’s enough love to withstand much mistakes. The happiest of marriages have problems, even big ones and especially in the early stages. If he hasn’t learned his lesson however and does it again, fair enough, it may be time to rethink.

It is not being kind to herself to try and bury it @StargazerAli which is what you're suggesting.

It's painful and it has exposed some deeply unpleasant truths about SugarPlum's husband. She is entitled to take all the time she needs to process this and decide what reparations she feels are needed to be able to go on with her relationship.

He hasn't 'learned his lesson'. He is hoping desperately that she will brush this under the carpet and they can go back to where they were before. That won't happen because if they do work through this (and I very much hope they do) then they have to renegotiate their relationship. That can only be done over time and through dialogue.