Found out DH had private lapdances

[SugarPlumRoar]

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

I totally agree with you. I didn’t mean to give the impression that I think SP should roll over and give in. In fact, she’s already shown her strength in facing up to him and showing exactly where she stands, so it’s now up to her husband to prove that he’s changed and that will take time. If she suspects he’s still being unfaithful (which in all essence he was, even if he convinces himself it doesn’t count), then of course she deserves much better. I know what I’d be advising my daughter to do in that respect, but with hindsight and after a long marriage, these experiences can make a relationship stronger, but it has to come from both sides. I remember painful times that my husband and I overcame, mainly because of deep love (and children!). SP’s husband would be a fool to think that she’d take any more disrespect, so yes, time will tell.

@SugarPlumRoar

Mix I've never said that I was ok with strip clubs, I said I acknowledged that his group of friends would likely go there as it was newly opened where we live and to be quite frank they were mostly made up of a bunch of immature sleaze balls. I made my feelings clear to him that I don't view strip clubs in anything but a degrading way but equally I knew that I'd be fighting a losing battle against his friends who already viewed me as controlling and yes I took the path of least resistance so to no play into their perception so I put what boundaries I could in place.

Would I make the same choice now? No I'd have stood my ground as I have done since but I was young and hindsight is a wonderful thing

@SugarPlumRoar my point was that you still decided to stay with him despite knowing he was going to strip clubs, which is acceptance. Actions speak louder than words and this is especially true with men. By choosing to stay with him, you undermined your own message to him that strip clubs are degrading to women. This would naturally lead to him to not respecting you or your opinion, as evidenced by him ultimately having lap dances behind your back. The clear message that you had sent is that his own desires, and the opinions of his male friends, are more important than how women should be treated, and what you want from a relationship. If you actually thought strip clubs are that bad, you would have taken a stand and left because you refuse to be with someone who views women in such a manner.

You are overly concerned by the opinions of men, and seem to lack self esteem in relation to them (perhaps subconsciously) and are a woman who would easily manipulated by men. The power balance has therefore always been skewed in favour of your partner. This is why he has felt so comfortable lying to you for so long. And is also why he's treating you like a fool now. Yes stay with him, but you need to redress that power balance otherwise all kinds of thing may be going on behind your back .

Ah, cruelty masquerading as honesty.

10 years? You know what. You aren't as trapped as you think you are. You can end this if you want.

From what I’ve read, this is a problem that is really not worth ending your relationship for and I’m amazed at the overreaction on here. Or am I wrong? Is your husband having an affair now/still going for lap dances? Has he continued for 10 years even though he says he hasn’t and you also seem think he’s telling the truth? Do you want to leave him really and are looking for a reason to go? I’m now confused by what you want exactly. He’s your husband, you know him best. Nobody ion here can give you the answer.

@StargazerAli I agree it isn't something worth ending my marriage for, that was why I said in my original post that I wouldn't be.

I know some posters disagree with me as is their right but I am not trapped in my marriage nor do I feel trapped. If I wanted to leave I would and could.

I don't believe that he has been having an affair or continuing to go to lap dance clubs in the intervening time. Which is part of the reason I'm not considering leaving. If I believed he had continued it or had an affair etc I would be gone without a shadow of a doubt.

I guess I wanted a bit of advice and a hand hold on how I can start to get over this and move past it and not continue feeling so bereft by it

Op I think time is probably the only thing that will soften this.

And considering that he was a young, (sounds like) rather easily led man who no doubt wanted to confirm to his then mates. He did what many people do - which is convince themselves it's not really anything, it's not actual cheating and it was ok to hide it from you (I presume).
Unfortunately it's not uniquely bad behaviour.

*conform

I think it's probably just time SugarPlum. It takes time to get over hurt. And I'm sure you will.

There are quite a few people who cheat (in the more common understanding of the word) early-ish in relationships/when they're young. Sometimes it comes to light, a lot of the time it doesn't. There are a lot of people who think they've never been cheated on by their partner/spouse, who have been
I don't like this type of relative morality/shitness argument but unfortunately it's relevant.

If you love each other and things are good now, you will be able to move on, believe me. It’s no doubt tested your feelings and has hurt like hell but I honestly hope you’ll come out stronger and with more honesty from this.

[quote SugarPlumRoar]@StargazerAli I agree it isn't something worth ending my marriage for, that was why I said in my original post that I wouldn't be.

I know some posters disagree with me as is their right but I am not trapped in my marriage nor do I feel trapped. If I wanted to leave I would and could.

I don't believe that he has been having an affair or continuing to go to lap dance clubs in the intervening time. Which is part of the reason I'm not considering leaving. If I believed he had continued it or had an affair etc I would be gone without a shadow of a doubt.

I guess I wanted a bit of advice and a hand hold on how I can start to get over this and move past it and not continue feeling so bereft by it[/quote]
How would he feel if ten years ago, or even before you met, you told him you had then been a lap dancer and lie about it? If it would massively unsettle him and make him see you differently, would he consider it as huge a betrayal as you have that he's had private dances on multiple occasions on which the women were nude? Would he consider the men who his daughter danced for as an adult, naked, as people she shouldn't consider marrying were she to choose that as a job as an adult? I strongly suspect in those cases he would not minimise the fact it's a sexually motivated act in which the man sees the woman as a commodity. If I'm right, he is both a misogynist and a hypocrite. Or was the former then and remains the latter now.

I get what people mean when they say it feels like something you can't end a decade long relationship over but it would change my opinion of someone hugely and I would feel they had almost tricked me into marrying them as I would have bought into the person they pretended to be rather than the one they actually were.

If you were a cam girl secretly or a stripper secretly then would he have viewed it as grounds for either splitting up then or being absolutely devastated now? Probably. That's why he lied. He was selfish and stupid to tell you now after so long.

You will now view him through different eyes.

The problem is if he can lie, and lie for so long, what else is he capable of.

Your eyes have been opened.
I still can't understand why he has told you now after so long, even with the programme discussion.
Most men on here would be saying "why the hell has he told her that?"

It makes no sense.

Hey OP, so for a slightly different perspective (though it aligns with some other opinions on here) I’m a stripper.

What he did was 100% cheating. As it’s our job we have no attachments to customers and honestly go through the motions very clinically. By contrast, you can’t say the same for the guys. I’d say if anything your example of dancing on a guy in a club is tame compared to a lap dance as when we go up to a guy we don’t just lead him off for a dance. There’s talking/flirting and plenty of opportunities for him to say no or put a stop to things if he truly doesn’t want to. This isn’t to make you feel any worse, I just want to reaffirm that your feelings are perfectly valid and accurate and that the people making up excuses are frankly ridiculous.

For you to move past this he needs to fully admit to what he did and label it as cheating. He can’t get away with skirting around that because “he’s not that type of guy”.

Honestly going back to therapy is also never a bad idea, it doesn’t have to be because your relationship is in dire straits, it’s just a useful tool to work through all this.

All in all, you’re totally allowed to feel what you’re feeling right now and it’s not an unreasonable reaction whatsoever.

@HappyStripper would you mind if I pm'd you?

@SugarPlumRoar please do, I’d be happy to talk through anything you need to.

That doesn't excuse or mitigate what he has done however but it does reassure me slightly that he probably is telling the truth that he hasn't been near a strip club since we moved.

Just a thought, what if he did meet up with those friends again? Has his character changed or just his circumstances?

@newyearnewname123 he's not in contact with any of them with the exception of one and even that one he doesn't speak to or see often, my understanding was that they were all in different stages of their lives to DH, they were still wanting to go out and get drunk every weekend whilst for DH his priorities had changed, he was in a serious job, we preferred to have quiet drinks and a meal out etc and we had a different circle of friends who were mostly couples that we would socialise more frequently with.

I don't think he would meet up with them certainly they weren't invited to our wedding or stag party or any life events we've had

If he went on any stag now would you feel ok about it? Or would you be worried he might cross your hard line again if either a planned or impromptu strip club visit was involved, now you know he either enjoys lap dances and / or is one of those weak willed cowards who does the whole 'everyone was doing it, I couldn't say no' thing 🙄

I adore my partner. If he went to a strip club I would leave him. It's a hard line for me and I'm allowed to have it. He's allowed to respect it or break it, he's an adult who can do what he wants, but if he breaks it then he loses me.

I guess I wanted a bit of advice and a hand hold on how I can start to get over this and move past it and not continue feeling so bereft by it

I honestly do not know, because surely the bereft part is quite simply down to realising that the man you married IS that kind of guy. Cheating, lying to your face. He is that kind of guy.

It sounds like you were in a steady relationship of several years when this happened, you weren't just 'dating'. He lied to your face too, when you asked.

That is going to shatter the trust of any woman with half a brain because no matter which way you slice it, he's prepared to lie and he's prepared to get sexual kicks elsewhere. That's two lines right there that should be non-negotiable, in any committed relationship, and he sailed right over them.

The trouble with telling yourself that he's grown up and changed now is that different life stages bring different pressures. There's always the opportunity to cross the line and different reasons to justify it to yourself. Maybe he has truly grown up. Or maybe when those friends moved away, he found it easy to not lie and cheat because he wasn't having that opportunity handed to him. One day, there'll be another opportunity which says - go on! Do it! She'll never find out! - and - what will he do then? You don't know.

If you don't want to leave, which is understandable, I think your best bet is to acknowledge the above. To say you know for a fact that your DH isn't trustworthy. What comes along with that is protecting yourself - emotionally, especially financially, and looking at him slightly differently. Take a few eggs out of the DH basket, I guess.

@youvegottenminuteslynn Being honest I wouldn't want him going to a strip club now even before I found this out.

It's been a hard line for a number of years that strip clubs are off limits. I know he's come early from a stag night because the group were going to a strip club and I'd like to think he would know as I would walk out if he did

The trouble is we would hopefully all want to be with a man of the calibre that wouldn't want to go to one.

It's kind of one of those lines with the sleazes one side and the non-sleazes the other, and we all know that deep down.

[quote SugarPlumRoar]@youvegottenminuteslynn Being honest I wouldn't want him going to a strip club now even before I found this out.

It's been a hard line for a number of years that strip clubs are off limits. I know he's come early from a stag night because the group were going to a strip club and I'd like to think he would know as I would walk out if he did[/quote]
I hate to be a cynic but the problem is that you said it would be over before if he did something, he did it anyway and you have stayed. I'm not saying it's the wrong thing to stay just that he now knows that to an extent, hard lines aren't always hard lines for you.

And although he walked away that time, and you would hope he would hope he would again - will you genuinely trust him to do so now? As in feel calm and peaceful when he's on the night out / weekend away for a stag? You now know he can lie convincingly. It would all unsettle me so much and I hate for you that he's offloaded it after a decade.

@YoniAndGuy

The trouble is we would hopefully all want to be with a man of the calibre that wouldn't want to go to one.

It's kind of one of those lines with the sleazes one side and the non-sleazes the other, and we all know that deep down.

Yeah exactly this. I wouldn't want to be with someone who saw it as a huge sacrifice they had done for me to not go into a seedy place to look at other womens tits and arses, forgetting they are real human beings not entertainment / boner fodder, disrespecting both them and me. Then expect gratitude for it. Ugh. It's so gross.

And although he walked away that time, and you would hope he would hope he would again - will you genuinely trust him to do so now? As in feel calm and peaceful when he's on the night out / weekend away for a stag? You now know he can lie convincingly. It would all unsettle me so much and I hate for you that he's offloaded it after a decade.

Well I'd say that on that front, what happens now is that he doesn't go to stags and weekends away. He's no longer entitled to enjoy that kind of trust if he wants to stay happily married. Sucks, but them's the liar's breaks.

When I got together with my ex, he used to go to strip clubs for business. Apparently they were the only venues open when entertaining clients late at night. I said i had been in business for many years and never had to resort to strip clubs.

We spent a long time discussing/arguing with him saying it was just titillation. So I said, ok, I'll take a guy up to a hotel room, strip and rub myself all over him. Was that ok? Or would he want his daughter or mother to be lap dancers? We have two girls now so it would be interesting to see his take on this.

And also there is the sordidness of the sex industry. The trafficking etc. The mentality that women are objects.

I made it very clear that I would leave if he were ever to go into a strop club again.

But tbh, whether or not he did, this mentality matched with the person he is. Anyone that thinks paying for sex or sexual acts is ok on any level, has a very different mentality.

I'd be more forgiving on actual cheating because at least there is no paying someone for sex or getting sexually excited for sex that you are paying for. All one way.

So for me, it wouldn't even be the lies, it would be the mentality of the person. And you can't even say that he now thinks it is sordid as he is still excusing it.