Found out DH had private lapdances

[SugarPlumRoar]

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

It's the whole mentality of it that I hate, a group of guys saying hey lets leave our wives and girlfriends at home and pay some random women to grind naked on us. It's fucking gross and it is a form of cheating imo

I don't think that's exactly how it transpires each and every single time, at least, not by design. It certainly wasn't the time I ended up in the club. There was no conscious choice to 'leave anyone behind', and it certainly never crossed my mind that I was committing any sort of betrayal, breach of trust, or 'cheating', because I wouldn't consider my partner doing exactly the same thing to be breaching any rules, because prior to the event we had never had any sort of conversation about the existence or otherwise of any such 'rules'.

I think a lot of the time it is just unthinking, unplanned nonsense fuelled by bravado and alcohol. Half of the group I was with genuinely had no interest in the women, paid them no heed whatsoever, and were only interested in their ridiculously overpriced alcohol. I don't think it's the case that these clubs are exclusively frequented by men who go there for no other reason than to be sexually aroused by the dancers.

FWIW, the private dances in this club were not remotely close to 'naked grinding'. The women were still wearing underwear, never came within six inches of the patrons, and hands were very firmly sat on at all times. No idea what else goes on in other places, but I don't recognise the description further up the page at all, and yes, I am talking about a 1 on 1 dance in a private booth. Same experience for everyone else I know who ever set foot in the place.

With respect xDownwiththissortofthingx your situation is nothing like the op's. There was a breach of trust because they had discussed it and she told her dh that it crossed a line for her, he went several times anyway and kept it from her. Also the dance he got was naked and grinding, he told her so himself, so not like what you experienced.

I really don't like men that tend to run with the pack.
Hiding behind the group mentality that it's ok, everybody doe's it type of thing.
There are men who actually don't behave like sheep and want to act so crass, youth plays a large part in this but I,ve found these types never seem to fully grow up.
It's been conditioned into them as much as it is for the women to accept they are 'being naggy' even op's initial post was apologetic in presenting this as a problem.
Maybe your husband did want to unburden himself but sometimes the "so what I did it" get over it is a pushing back of authority in your marriage.
A kind of well other men are let off the lease type of childish behaviour, insinuating you are too controlling.
Children do it all the time, "my friends can do such and such a thing, why can't I?"
Just a thought, it may not apply, but I don't think he wants redemption I think he's being a mardy bum and wants his own way.
A power struggle?

leash..

[quote BananaPop2020]@MolotovMocktail I totally agree, this talk of a lap dance being a sex act is WAY off - or at least it would have been 10+ years ago.[/quote]
So it’s cool for the female in your relationship to grind on other men naked too Banana?

Also the dance he got was naked and grinding, he told her so himself, so not like what you experienced

The only description the OP has given of the dances says they were naked, but absolutely no touching on threat of being removed from the club. So pretty much what I experienced bar the nakedness.

Its' such a long time ago, can't you just put it out of your mind. A lot of men must go to lap dance clubs, and don't tell their partners, as they know they will get some hassle. I guess some men will lie about going, and having private dances, but again, keep quiet about it,or even lie, and as I said, to save all the hassle they will get at home.

An equivalent lads get together 30/40 years ago would have been going to Sunday football, pub afterwards complete with strippers, whilst wives and girlfriends cooked the Sunday dinner.
All in the name of sport.

As I said there are certain types of men that believe these things are acceptable forms of entertaiment, there are many more men that think it is boorish.

It's not prudish to not want these types of activities in your life, it's called having standards.
These men have to learn that it really doesn't make them desirable, in fact you just become a turn off.
The men that never grow up...yuk

I remember a stripper turning up at a significant family birthday at a prebooked venue in the 80's. Must have been about 8-9pm by that point, but still plenty of children up and about the place. She never got fully naked, but she was clad in the typical 'kinky cop' stripper attire and shed what she could without showing anything that would be considered indecent. Seems inconceivable now, but at the time it was just laughed off as 'one of those things' that was par for the course when a man reached a significant milestone birthday. He was 'ordered' a stripper regardless. No debate.

It happened a long time ago. He is also devastated by the Loss of Your, as in both, of your Baby! Your mindset is of Your Baby & of Your Grief, that doesn’t diminish his absolute, grief. Sit together, hold hands & look at one another, as Parents your Grief is together. The Lap dance is really, at this point, of No consequence, Your Futues are together with the acceptance of Your, as in Both, of Your Loss. I send My Deepest, deepest Wishes that Both of You find a path through this.

@SugarPlumRoar

DS said that he and his college friends got treated to a ''Lap Dance'' on each of their 18th Birthdays. {Think along the lines of ''The In Betweeners}

I was surprised, as they seemed not the sort of young lads to waste money on this... Their friends clubbed together to pay for ''Birthday boy''.

But...... There is no ''Set Type'' of man who goes to these places.

Doctors, Lawyers, all types of professions go to them.

They are men. Men are very 'Visual', and probably like the 'Illicit thrill'

..Not defending them in any way, but it is naive to think only a certain type visits Lap Dance clubs.

I'd not want a partner of mine to visit them, for sure.

Very strange mindset on your part Op. Your DP is admitting that he has matured and grown up. What stings about that?

Odfo, it's not a "strange mindset", it's hurtful.that a partner has only.grown to love you and admits they didn't really care at the start.

So you told him you don't like this, women giving private lap dances. You told him that if he took part in this it would end your relationship.
Now he's told you that it did happen several times.
You've told him that it actually isn't a deal breaker but he needs to tell you if there is anything else because if he tells you later then that will be a deal breaker.
I'm sorry, you're in an impossible situation with a baby, but you're sending the message that you'll actually put up with anything he does, and stay.

Agree with the others that we don't know what happened, the bouncers have been known to look the other way to all sorts of things.

I don't think this would bother me at all TBH. I don't think it means you can't trust him.

Would you be okay if it had been Susan next door who had nakedly grinded on him - on 5 separate occasions, let's say when you were at work?

If not, why not?

To some previous posters I'm not hanging onto something I found out 10 years ago, I've only just found out about them now although they happen 10 years ago so it is new information for me and I am very upset by the acts themselves and the lying for over 10 years.

It wasn't a new relationship back then, we were living together and had been together a couple of years.

Yes it's a red line for me so it's painful to know that he thought so little of me and of the relationship that he was happy to risk it not once but several times.

But having said that, no I don't want to end what is otherwise a great marriage due to this. I know it might seem like I'm moving my red lines I'm not, I'm trying to reconcile what he did with what we are like both as people and a couple now and I don't think I can throw away an otherwise good marriage because I now know this.

I'm deep hurt by it, it is cheating in my view and the lies are another issue but make no mistake, if I wanted to leave I absolutely could and would and will not hesitate to leave if anything else comes out or if he does anything remotely similar again.

DH is under no illusions as to how I feel about this and he knows that I wouldn't hesitate to leave. I've always been clear that I'm with him because I want to be and choose to be as I love him but I do not need him, I'm capable of standing on my own two feet should I ever decide to.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease

I don't think this would bother me at all TBH. I don't think it means you can't trust him.

I don't understand why people say this. It doesn't matter whether it would bother you.

The OP told him it bothered her. And he did it anyway, not just once but five or six times.

And if someone does something you specifically tell them is a deal breaker and lies to you about it repeatedly, then yes, that does mean you shouldn't trust them. Because they're a liar.

I totally understand why you're not ending your marriage over this. But something will change irrevocably in your relationship because of what he's done and that's very sad. What a silly man.

There's a reason he told you this now. I'd be wondering what that was.

DH is under no illusions as to how I feel about this and he knows that I wouldn't hesitate to leave

Not really. He knows it was a red line. He crossed it anyway. He lied for 10 years. You now know that he did that, and you're not leaving.

Call me cynical, but I would imagine he's done it far more recently than 10 years ago, and is worried that it could come out now, and he's telling you about the lap dances 10 years ago, so that he can marry up any stories that come out now, to historic events? He had to have something to gain by revealing this now - he could have just kept quiet for an easy life. But like I say, I'm a cynical cow.

OP has made clear she will not be ending the relationship, so.......? What’s next then?

I've already said what I think.op should do .. but that's not everyone's choice. On top of that I've also advised keeping at the forefront of her mind that her h is capable of what I'd consider cheating behaviour (regardless of what men tell themselves about lap dances) and of deceit about it, at the time and long-term. I'd protect myself as much as possible emotionally and financially on the marriage against any other possible behaviour (or in preparation for changing her mind about staying in future).

Judging by some of these posts I am a lot more liberal than I thought!

Yes it's a red line for me so it's painful to know that he thought so little of me and of the relationship that he was happy to risk it not once but several times.

I have zero sympathy for your h, believe me,but if imagine he a. did not intend for you to find out, do in his mind he wasn't risking the relationship .. and b. If you'd found out somehow, no doubt thought you wouldn't actually follow through on ending the relationship.

But tbh that doesn't make it any better. Because, if true, he still didn't have any integrity or honesty. He was ok with doing something he knew you weren't ok with and deceiving you about it.

Personally I’d let it go.

And fwiw what you weren't ok with, to many people, is perfectly reasonable. It certainly is to me.

As I've said, of like to see the real reaction of the men who do this; to a woman doing the same to them. Sliding into their bed when they come home after having the sort of contact and interaction a private dance involves with other men, even if they are paid male strippers.

I totally agree, this talk of a lap dance being a sex act is WAY off - or at least it would have been 10+ years ago.

Absolute bollocks.

And that includes ten years ago.

My h (not with me) had private dances over ten years ago and they involve full nudity and crotch grinding (and tits in face etc).