Found out DH had private lapdances

[SugarPlumRoar]

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

Op no offence meant at all here but you describe the relationship as otherwise great but then you mention you and he have been to counselling.

Why did you need counselling? What was the problem/aim?

It seems like a reassessment of your relationship would be useful regardless of your decisions.

He acted very poorly to you back then, when you were already in a committed, serious relationship .. let you stay, invest and marry on the basis of withholding info from you when he knew he'd broken your desk.breaker/red line, deceived you. You've had to go to counselling about something else, he somehow didn't mention this in counselling when presumably you two were laying your cards on the table and honesty was important, and now he's told you a decade later due to a discussion about strip clubs.

He's still minimising it and arguing over pedantics re the private dances being a sex act or not (they're certainly sexual in nature and not something I imagine he'd have been ok with you doing with a male stripper)
But it doesn't actually matter because he knew it was your red line ... And it wasn't an unreasonable red line.

He's not coming across well, and it seems like you're naturally having difficulty a bsorbjng and adjusting to this - which makes his character look v different to how you thought it was .. and what you.conmitted to.

I suppose I should add, not only did he treat you poorly back then; but he compounded it by years of lying by omission about it, while letting you invest and commit, in ignorance.

@speakout

So if you invited some friends over and someone stripped down to a string and started to gyrate themselves over your OH it would be OK?

Wouldn’t bat an eye. I trust my DH 150% He’s never given me a reason not to. I’d probably find it hilarious.

Wouldn’t bat an eye. I trust my DH 150% He’s never given me a reason not to. I’d probably find it hilarious.

It is a mistake to trust anyone 150%.

@speakout It is a mistake to trust anyone 150%

Not my DH. 15 years and not a foot wrong.

Not my DH. 15 years and not a foot wrong.

A naiive view.

So if you invited some friends over and someone stripped down to a string and started to gyrate themselves over your OH it would be OK?

But what op's h did was not that.

It was private strips while out separate with mates, and he knew she was tolerating him going into strip.cluns but that a private dance was her red line. So why even bother comparing apples with oranges.

Besides someone's partner's presence at something like this changes the dynamic completely.

@Sandals19 we had a number of issues really the main one being FIL who was over involved and controlling. DH was always submissive to him, was brought up to be submissive to pretty much everyone and was absolutely terrified of answering back or going against anyone openly.

After we had DD FIL became worse and I was the target a lot of the time which both DH and I tolerated until I didn't anymore. I stood my ground one day whilst we were visiting and FIL exploded shouting and berating me in front of DH and DD. I didn't react except to pack our things and say I was going home and taking DD with me and DH could come or stay. He came but I was hurt that he hadn't stepped in and wouldn't stand up to FIL, so part of the counselling was to show DH just how much FIL was damaging our relationship and also to give him the tools to put boundaries in place. Most of our arguments prior to DD were about FIL and they became worse after DD.

Another issue linked to above is DH absolutely wouldn't do confrontation of any kind he would burry his head in the sand. This came to a head when we had DD who was a baby that never slept and I felt unsupported ( DH worked long hours and did pull his weight when he was at home) he felt I'd pushed him away since having DD. Neither of us were really wrong but instead of talking I'd get angry and he would retreat inside himself as two tired parents we couldn't see the wood for the trees and it became constant bickering. We saw counselling as a safe space to discuss these issues and to give us tools to communicate better.

I acknowledged during the counselling that I needed to control my anger better and that I couldn't expect DH just to change overnight towards FIL.

From our part DH put in very firm boundaries with FIL which made a remarkable difference to the relationship and still does, he's also less enmeshed with him and we communicate much better. I don't get angry quickly and DH and I learned to talk things through as two adults should and started to make time for us as a couple and not just as parents.

Oh this is hard for you. I would find it very hard. In my opinion he probably told you because he feels guilty about it and wanted to get it off his chest, not that he has some other massive secret. He's probably been feeling bad about it for years and I know it's not an excuse but almost certainly he will have been pissed and egged on when he did it.

I also totally get the sting about him taking you for granted but that is something you'll just have to get over. It's a bit like the sting you might feel knowing that your OH really loved their previous girlfriend. Not great but ultimately not the end of the world.

No advice really except if it were me I'd make a concerted effort to move on as it sounds like the relationship is strong. X

My mum always said if someone can lie about something small they can tell a big lie as they are a liar
and furthermore you cannot trust this man

Also why would men go to a strip club to not have a dance? They pay to go in so why would they just not go to the pub with their mates?

I'm so sorry he's done this bit credit yourself with some respect and
Get rid

@Sandals19, so according to you, every single club in the country is breaching the legislation?

Ask him how he’d feel if you gave another man a lap dance. Surely that would be fine too!

[quote BananaPop2020]@Sandals19, so according to you, every single club in the country is breaching the legislation?[/quote]
Do you think you could start a new thread to discuss lap dancing legislation ?

Because it sure as shit isn't of interest or relevance to the OP.

You say a private dance was your red line, what does that mean?

@StealthPolarBear he knew I considered it cheating and that I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who could engage in something that treats women as sexual object for their own gratification and that the relationship would have been over

But that's not the case is it? You set the line, he broke it and he might just get away with it.

@Clymene, thanks for that. You may not have realised this, but the post has diversified somewhat.

@StealthPolarBear you're right and if I had found out about it at the time he would have been gone, if I had found out about it before we got married we wouldn't be married and if I had found out about it before we had DD he would be gone.

But it's simply not as black and white as that now. We had what I believed to be a good strong marriage, we have DD and we've been trying for another baby. If this had happened recently he would be gone without question I'd end it but this happened over 10 years ago, and whilst he's lied to me for that period about this and I don't know if I can forgive him for what in my eyes is cheating I can't ignore the fact that he has been a good husband and father.

He swears there's nothing else that has happened. Do I believe him? I don't know, it's far too raw for me to figure that out right now, but if he is telling the truth and there is nothing else then I don't want to throw away what is a happy marriage for something hideous that he did over 10 years ago regardless of how hurt and betrayed I'm feeling right now.

I understand that lots of posters think I'm a fool and would leave their DH in my situation, I understand why people would think I'm a fool and a walkover for not leaving

Everything you've said makes sense. I suppose if you've asked if there's anything more and he's said no, you just need to decide if you can trust him from now on or not.

Take your time. I can understand you don't want to throw away a good relationship now. I think it's worth exploring why he thinks it's not a sex act? How would he describe it? Is he respectful of your opinions now or is he minimising and dismissing them?
If you want to take some time to think it through tell him so and be clear that he's not to keep pushing to sort it out at his pace. His feelings aren't important now, yours are.

Well at least your counselling solved (or at the very least improved) the dynamic with your fil (thought that's obviously a two way thing, not just your fil) and your communication.

You are a very constructive person to have gone that route and bird with it, tbh I'd have thrown the head and probably ended the relationship over my h having an interfering domineering f and not standing up for himself or me. You've put up with quite a bit in that front. It doesn't fall within the usual line up of disgraceful, abusive behaviours that often turn up on this board, I know, but it still must have been stressful and angering.
I don't think he deserves you tbh, knowing what he did in the earlier years of the relationship.

His dynamic with his father (and you say he's very non confrontational in general) makes me wonder if conforming and being unable to say no was a significant part of his going along with the private dances when his mates were going off for theirs. He couldn't have stood any pressure or standing alone. Not that that makes any if it much better. Is being an unassertive sheep/beta member of the pack - and treating your partner badly due to it, much better than being a sleaze and treating your partner badly?

So you've been treated badly die to his previous inability to stand up to his dad for himself and you, and you've been treated badly perhaps partly due to his inability to stand up to (or rebel against I suppose) his then mates for himself and you.

I suppose you can only hope that he's put down boundaries and changed his dynamic with his dad, and he'll continue along the same vein in general.

It's a difficult one. You say he's been a good partner otherwise, and you want to stay in the marriage ... All you can do is let time soften this for you.

I'd get revengebwhen circumstances allowed it, but I'm a petty bitch. It sounds like it wouldn't help you.

As the poster above has pointed out too, it is angering and a bit unnerving that he's still insisting its not a sex act/sexual/whatever. It's like he dismissed your feelings & opinions back then and decided he'd do what he liked and just lie about ... And yes still dismissing your feelings and opinions now. Or perhaps he thinks if he acknowledges that, there greater likelihood of you leaving (of of him getting a harder time about it at least).

If it's not a sex act and it's appropriate in a relationship, he don't mind you getting an equivalent number of nude "lap" dances off a male stripper, will he?

And you're only doing it because he did it and lied about it.

Pitch that to him, see him explain why it would be perfectly appropriate.

I understand that lots of posters think I'm a fool and would leave their DH in my situation, I understand why people would think I'm a fool and a walkover for not leaving

I'm generally quite hard-line and I don't ..
It's very very difficult to leave a long-term, settled, invested, otherwise ok relationship (marriage actually) with a child involved over something that is not quite outright cheating (and some people don't consider it cheating at all), that happened a decade ago.

@SugarPlumRoar I don't think your a fool or a walkover for staying with him. Its clearly hurt you which your DH is aware of the damage he has done but I believe it's possible to move forward and as you say you have had a strong relationship with a beautiful DD too.

In your shoes I wouldn't be leaving either I know I'm a different person to what I was 10 years ago as by the sound of it is your DH yes it was a break of trust but if we were all held against our selves 10 years ago compared to now a lot of us would have stuff of some form.

@Scottishskifun that’s a very good point.