Found out DH had private lapdances

[SugarPlumRoar]

I'm trying really hard not to be dramatic here and I'm not going to LTB because the reality is the relationship now is so different to what we had back then but I feel so bloody sad and angry and every other emotion that I feel I shouldn't have because it was so long ago.

A number of days ago DH admitted during a conversation that he had a private lapdance whilst we were living together but before we married so over 10 years ago. Upon questioning it seems it wasn't just a drunken one off he felt guilty about it was 4 or 5 separate occasions.

I've never been a fan of strip clubs but acknowledged back then that his group of friends would end up there as it was a newly opened shiny object. My red line was always no private dances. He knew this. He knew I felt like a private dance was a personal thing that it's a sexual interaction as you're getting excited and getting turned on by a naked women dancing on and for you and to me it felt like a form of cheating.

He would occasionally mention back then he had been in this club but always maintained he never had a private dance, this lie he's kept up for over 10 years.

He claims to remember little about the times he had the private dance or why he paid for them despite knowing I would show him the door if I found out.

It wasn't a drunken one off which I could maybe accept that he did and regretted. There is regret now from him as he's seen how upset I am but there wasn't at the time, he thought so little of me or our relationship that he crossed the red line several times and then came home to me in our bed.

He's sorry now and maintains he wouldn't do it now and I do believe that but what's done is done. He's lied to me about this for over 10 years. He admits he took me for granted back then and didn't appreciate what he had at the time which stings a bit too.

He keeps asking how he can make this better and is desperate that it doesn't affect our relationship now and I don't know what to tell him. I agree I don't want to ruin our relationship now, we've had hard times and are in the best place our relationship has been despite the hard knock of a miscarriage a few months ago.

How do I stop feeling so bloody awful about this and put it behind me?

*I still can't understand why he has told you now after so long, even with the programme discussion.
Most men on here would be saying "why the hell has he told her that?"

It makes no sense.*

I could he totally wrong but I get the feeling he got carried away in the debate when op labelled all men who go or have gone into strip clubs sleazy/dad/pathetic or whatever. He was aware he was one of that group, felt indignant, felt that he's not any of those things and so made the mistake of saying "well I have been in them/done that and I'm not sleazy, sad etc" ....then he had to specify when and then he had to make the decision, probably quite spontaneously, without time to think it through whether to say it was during the earlier part of their relationship. I think it's do long ago for him now, they're been together so long, they're married, tied in with a child etc etc that he thought it didn't matter that he'd done it against he'd wishes and told what he'd considered white lies about it.

Because it was "nothing" to him at the time, and much much less now, I think he really (sounds like he lacks empathy too) didnt think it op would react the way she has. He perhaps thought that ten years later, married with a child and planning another, she'd dismiss it .. he may have even forgotten her "line" at the time, and the lies he told.

I reckon his behaviour/reactions have not been (entirely or much) about realising what he dud back then re cheating etc. But more just him realising he's shot himself in the foot by revealing this.

That he's really in the shit and op is taking it seriously, angry, hurt, possibly even thinking about leaving etc.

Seems like he thought it didn't matter much at he time, and doesn't really matter at all now (again, he's lacking empathy) and so he revealed it during a debate of sorts; only to realise he's really dropped himself in it.

Sorry I should clarify "pay for dances" rather than just go into strip clubs per se ... As that seems to have been the debate, and op knew he'd been in the clubs with his mates (with various excuses given).

But why did he need to unburden himself? He didn't. And he's made you feel like shit. For no reason.

The only time my husband willingly exposed a truth without needing to, was when he was hiding an even bigger untruth.

Yes he has unburdened himself, but for what pupose, cruel for no need, why is he wanting you to feel insecure, there's a reason, there is always a reason.
But i am cynical.

I don't think he thought that I'd react how I have due to the passage of time. I was going in pretty hard on my opinion of the types of men that had private dances and I think it's touched a nerve with him and he's done in it a look not all these men are sleazy and awful and used himself to make his point not thinking how much he had shot himself in the foot and that I was going to blow up over the act and the lie.

I'm not excusing what he has done but I don't think it was some planned confession to cover something else bigger. It was entirely relevant to the conversation and what we watching at that time and I don't think the idiot really thought it through what telling me would actually mean or the damage caused

If you ask him whether you dancing naked on another man would be a sex act or not, I'm sure he would think it was... standard hypocrisy.

It's so disappointing when men you think are decent do or have done something totally out of kilter with the moral compass you thought they had.

How are you doing @SugarPlumRoar? Hope you're ok

I'm not doing great @youvegottenminuteslynn.

I've lost all appetite and the little that I am managing to eat makes me feel sick and I feel utterly flat.

DH has started speaking to a counsellor for himself. His idea/decision but I've chosen not to take part at the moment. I don't really feel that he fully accepts that what he has done is cheating. He doesn't believe it is cheating though is deeply sorry he's done it but really only because of how hurt and upset that I am.

We've been back and forward on how he would feel if I were to do the same and he's gone from he doesn't know how he would feel to, it's a different environment and he knew the lap dance wouldn't go further but if I was doing the same with a random man it could to admitting that he wouldn't be happy but doesn't think he would see it as a sex act or cheating

Oh sugar

It's really shit of him.

I would call him by telling him he is completely minimising something he knows you consider cheating and he knew at the time. Also if you had received a male lap dance he would be furious.

Try to eat something.

A counsellor? Is he expecting a pat on the back? He sounds thoroughly self-absorbed.

I am very sorry he has seen fit to choose this time to drop this on you.

to admitting that he wouldn't be happy but doesn't think he would see it as a sex act or cheating

Well, maybe he genuinely wouldn't but

A. He's not had it done to him (against his wishes at that) and revealed later .. so he hasn't had that experience, and do can't actually say his he'd feel for sure. I know for myself the theoretical vague idea if a partner having a lap dance is a very different kettle of fish than the reality of your intimate partner having done that.

And b. If doesn't matter of he sees it as cheating or not; you said it was your line, he knew it (and it's by no means an unreasonable line I think) and he crossed it and lied about it, until shooting himself in the foot about it years later.

In any case; you've said you don't want yo end the marriage, so .... There's really not much use in upsetting yourself about it to this extent (easy to say, I know!).

Unfortunately shitty behaviour in the earlier part of a relationship isn't uncommon.

He apparently hasnt cheated (in the more common meaning). He knew you didn't want him having private dances and considered it cheating (or verging on cheating) - he didn't agree it was (rather conveniently and hypocritically no doubt), and he was in situations for a while geared toward having them (with his group doing so, some of whom.msy not have been single either), so he did so (thinking your line was OTT, he wasn't really doing anything wrong, he wasn't really cheating on you, what you didn't know wouldnt hurt you etc etc) and lied about it. Again he'd have considered the lies white ones.

There is also the possibility that he wasn't all that invested and didn't care deeply; not uncommon earlier Inna relationship and when people are young. He said himself he took you for granted back then.

(Possibly it wasn't even about how much he was invested, just that he justified it as above and was fairly selfish and lacking in empathy).

The counselling seems a bit manipulative, bit maybe that's me being v cynical.

Anyway, what can you do but try to forgive since you want to stay. Presumably he has done lots of good things and acted well over the rest of the relationship.

As I said all along, I'd actually find a male lap dancing club (not easy but I found one .
Possibly not running any more) and have a few dances.

It won't be the same as what he did, not by a long shot, but it would make him feel a little bit of similar pain and discomfort.

However that's me and I can understand it wouldn't be other people's bag.

Caesers in Streatham was demolished about five years ago so it's fairly certain the male lap dancing club there is not running any more. There is one called forbidden nights apparently running in London and Brighton. And others in other cities.

They're more shows, as is common with male acts; but may offer opportunities for one on one dances.

There's also this wee lockdown thing on I think. I am sure there was something on the news about it.