He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

Hiya, so sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. Sounds really unpleasant.
Although ur partner has been open and honest about talking to this 'old flame' i think id still be pretty upset more due to hearts, the mystery of who this lady its basically you are fearing the unknown.
Theres probably nothing in his friendship orelse he wouldv hidden it. Has he spoken to her infront of u? Has she shown all the messages? Hav u seen this lady as in on socials? Know her name?

You not comfortable with this. Trust your instincts.. you cannot force him to stop communication but you can choose to separate or move on.
A bit early to do so, however hearts and I live you’s etc is a red flag imhp.

*love

I know her name. She has never spoken to me. He sits beside me when he’s sending some of the messages (like when we are spending time together watching one of our shows)
He has never shown me and when I mentioned it the other night he said i “wasnt in a good headspace to not take something the wrong way” but cant say what i might take the wrong way. I havw however seen that he has removed at least 1 msg he has sent her.
They send each other pics and chat on snapchat and he says they dont delete but i wouldnt know)
He says he never had any interest in her more than a friend so i asked if she did and he says he doesnt know.
Apparently she “wants us all to go out for dinner together one night”

Even if there has been nothing physical up to now he is using up a lot of time and emotional energy on her that should be directed towards you and your child. How much time does he spent talking to his best male friend? If this relationship is more intense than that then he needs to dial things back.

He says hearts between friends is ok. And then will say “love u” is not the same as i love you.

He doesnt have a best male friend anymore. And he says hes taking a break from talking to her to focus on me.
I got angry last night and basically told him talk to her all he wants, fuck her if thats what he wants too. He asked if i was going to “throw everything away” because of this. I told him in not throwing anything away and obviously being able to talk to he was the important thing to him because he keeps “trying to make me more comfortable with him talking to her”

Does he send hearts to his male friends? Does he put ‘love you’ to his male friends?

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH started spending all his time messaging and phoning a single female friend. Definitely don’t expect him to send heart emojis and love you’s to anyone either.

He’s a gas lighting arsehole. How’d he feel if you looked up an old male friend and spent all your time on the phone messaging him and telling him you loved him.

Your dp is being disingenuous here because you can guarantee he would not be happy if you messaged a male friend constantly. Its one thing to send a quick how are you doing message but this amount is not normal.
In your case I would tell him bluntly that if he wants to spend hours messaging another woman then he's putting her in front of you and his dc and he needs to make a decision.

This woman is single and has nothing to lose, she's probably enjoying the virtual attention and you will not be her priority.
In your place I would ask him if he's happy for both your families to know he's messaging another woman because if its innocent then it should be out in the open.
Don't make yourself ill for this man.

Ok, its quite tricky.. to be honest he might fully well know she has feelings for him. But wont tell u as itd alarm you more.
Going out for lunch as a threesome is f'in weird. Id feel quite strange doing that but if it was offered id go just to see what thier interaction is like. To be perfectly honest i think he is telling u all he can. But its strange that they keep talking esp when hes spending time with u, sending pictures of what? Herself? Seems like a single lonely woman chatting to a taken man... she needs to go. Does ur partner know its making u sick?

He's the one throwing it away the cf. He needs to grow up.

Aww you poor thing
Sounds awful. I totally get how your feeling as I would be the exact same.
Pretty certain that your DH wouldn't be comfortable with it if it was you talking that much to a single of school friend.
I certainly wouldn't be allowing that, it's one thing to have friends but when he's spending that much time talking to her that's disrespectful.
I would just be honest with him. Tell him exactly how it's making you feel and tell him your never going to be comfortable with it. How he reacts to that is your answer. Hope your ok.

He’s the one “throwing everything away”. The reason you can’t make yourself feel ok with this is because it’s not ok. You’ve been very clear that him dedicating time and energy to another woman upsets you, but he’s prioritising his conversations with her over your happiness. Other people are more qualified to advise what you should do next. But I just wanted to come on and say: you’re not wrong to feel this way, so don’t bother to twist yourself in knots trying to reconcile yourself with it. Feelings validated! Rant away. It must be incredibly frustrating.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten

This is way OTT and a huge problem in itself I think.
This kind of 'conflict resolution' is quite manipulative and really disproportionate to the original issue. It's like the 'pick me' dance with the emotional manipulation ramped up.
"Stop doing this or you'll make me really sick" Never going to solve an issue.

He sends hearts to some male friends. Usually not red ones though ( he asked if another colour would make it acceptable)
I told him i stopped talking to an old male friend of mine coz it made him uncomfortable. He tells me its because he “didnt treat me like much of a friend with the way he talked” and not in a dirty way but more “mean sounding”
I have told him i dont wanna be the “bad guy who made him stop talking to a good friend” which hes said about one of his x’s before, he lost a lot of friends because of her etc.
i feel if he tells his family he would make out it was all innocent on his end and im unreasonable for feeling the way i do.
I agree about her having nothing to lose and have told him as much. He just says he wants me and would tell her hes not interested.

I have told him it makes me feel sick. Hence his “trying ti make me feel better about it” even though nothing he says will make me feel better about this whole situation

I havent told him to stop or itll make me sick. I just feel sick and anxious i guess.
Ive told him thats the way i am feeling as a result of everything. Its in no way meant to be manipulative its me being honest about the effect of what’s happening

I don’t know OP, she did apparently want you to all go out to diner...if he is messaging her when sat next to you openly, maybe it is possible she is just a friend & you’re jealous?

If you do trust him he is right - it shouldn’t matter that “you don’t know her or what her intentions are” - that is unfounded jealousy.

If he is confiding in her emotionally at your exclusion that is one thing, if you’re jealous & so fraught by him having any female friend that it’s making you ill then perhaps you are making a storm in a teacup ?

It really all depends on if their friendship is actually secretive or not

Also what solution would make you happy? Does he needs to cut out this friendship to make you happy? If you all hung out at the pub together & got to know her would that be ok? Were they ever actually romantically involved ?

Nah, this isn't right. Trust your gut OP, and draw out your boundaries and don't allow him to cross them.

You won't be throwing anything away, these are your boundaries and it's up to him if he chooses to continue with this flirtation, but he can do it at his mums...I second telling your families. He won't care since it's entirely innocent

It's a little immature for him to be saying 'love u' is different than 'love you'. That's the kind of thing teenagers do. Ask him if there's anything more, say you're feeling insecure about it and take what he says as the truth. If he was hiding something sinister he wouldn't be so open about it. You need to work on your trust with him if he can't even have female friends without it upsetting you.

He's not required to show you messages between him and a friend, she hasn't agreed or consented with you seeing her personal messages and even if she's sending him inappropriate messages, she is allowed! The issue isn't with the woman, it's between you and your partner and you need to work on that, he's done nothing wrong.

I honestly dont know what would help. Ive spent days asking myself that exact question.
Hes had other female friends hes talked to before but not to this extent and i have been fine with it.
I dont know what he talks to he about because he just says “about me and how we met and how serious we are and stuff”. Had told me about where she works and her kid and thats about all. He says back when they were kids he had no interest in her as more than a friend and tells me they were close. She knows his brother too. And that when she was out with her parents that she was speaking to him and she had to tell them they werent dating (wonder what would give them THAT impression)
She wants us all to go out for dinner. Me, him, her and our kids as well.
I dont know id i could and “play nice” or if I should go and like someone else said see how they interact with each other.

I would not be chuffed with this either.

It doesn't sound right.
I understand having friends of the opposite sex who might get in touch again years later, but why the hell is he talking to her for 2 hours on the phone?! I think constantly sending her messages when you've already said how sick it's making you feel etc is disgusting. He's not showing any respect for your feelings at all.

Why can't he just send the odd text here and there? It sounds like he's messaging a lot. I would definitely try and get his phone and read everything when you can.

No advice, but hope it all works out x

He says theyre only talking so much because theyre catching up after so many years.
He says hes focusing on me not but in the next breath he asks what he can say or do to make me ok with him taking to her.
Its the amount of talking. Paragraphs of text i see him writing and scrolling back up to see the start of her messages.
Ive though of that but i wont be able to talk to him without bringing up anything i see which will then go back to the whole “you dont trust me”.
I dont trust her though

He's having an emotional affair in plain sight

The "openness and honesty: is pure manipulation designed to make you feel like you are being unreasonable.