He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

He hasn’t spoken to her in 9 years and now he’s writing “love u”. Nope. Come on! This isn’t right! Do you think people like goldie Hawn and Julia Roberts would put up with blokes behaving like this? No they fucking wouldn’t. This is clearly game playing and it’s shit and it’s not right. He’s a jerk. No friend I have with a decent man EVER has to put up with shit like this. Normal people don’t act like this. Know your worth. Tell him he’s binned and to fuck off and find yourself a decent guy. Be a Queen not a doormat.

Tell him he’s binned and to fuck off and find yourself a decent guy

I agree with everything you've said but they have a child together, so it might be advisable for OP to do some prep before going all Eastenders on him.

It’s a fine line to tread but if you tell him/act differently with him when he talks to her you’ll create a problem that’s not there. Men and women ca be friends, they can have an attachment to their past that they shared.
How’s X getting on with her child, make it polite and airy. If you’re nasty about her he will react in a negative way to you.
All I can advice is not to worry, if he wants to stay with you he will, but being negative about his friend will cause tension

I have male friends, my husband has female friends, but we don't obsessively sit there texting them all night, flirt, send hearts and make it a huge big deal about reconnecting and so forth. In normal non-pandemic times, I might not see my male friends for months, my husband has female friends (who I also know) and he might catch up for a lunch or invite the family round occasionally. Our energy and flirting is going into our own marriage, not other people! You know this isn't right but are being asked to prove why, I would be seriously thinking about how this is going to play out, I don't know if you can stop him though as in his mind he's doing nothing wrong. It just says something very bad about you and him. It would put me off him immensely, but I am someone who knows they need to come first with my husband, I'm not even prepared to tolerate gushing over-enthusiasm over someone else for one second.

Sorry OP, but I think this is concerning.

The level and type of contact is more intense than would be usual for many friends, and is diverting his energy from your relationship. However, some people are ok with that as long as it remains platonic, and that's your call.

The real question is whether it will remain platonic.

This is not a friend who has been a constant in his life and a situation that has proved itself to be platonic like those other posters may be describing.

Given ten years no contact, this is to all intents and purposes a new friendship for him, and for this reason, no one, not on here, and probably not even either of them at this point, can predict the turn it will take.

It could settle after the initial excitement of the reconnection, and when they have more freedom in their lives than lockdown allows hence other distractions. On the other hand it could escalate into something more.

They have a strong connection, and if they also have attraction it will be hard to prevent feelings developing.

I think if your DP wants to protect your relationship it would be better to stop or very much reduce, contact with her, and in your position I would be asking him to.

I think it’s clear that this woman’s motivations are not good and that arguments are playing into her hands.
Think about how you can take back control. Your issue is your relationship with your partner and his behaviour. Draw firm boundaries not in the form of an order as his choices are his own but you need to state what you expect in a relationship and surely putting your partner first is a non negotiable. (As I said before, I am single and have some male friends so this is not coming from a jealous and controlling viewpoint as a couple of posters have been suggesting. This is not a normal or appropriate friendship).
Watch his behaviour and make your choices. You are in control of your own position and make sure he knows that you will make choices to protect yourself if need be. It’s difficult in the current situation to get out on your own but I certainly wouldn’t be sitting cozily next to him while he’s texting. Get up and go to another room. Read a book or call a friend.
It will be harder to come back from this if you let your boundaries slip.

@IEat

It’s a fine line to tread but if you tell him/act differently with him when he talks to her you’ll create a problem that’s not there. Men and women ca be friends, they can have an attachment to their past that they shared. How’s X getting on with her child, make it polite and airy. If you’re nasty about her he will react in a negative way to you. All I can advice is not to worry, if he wants to stay with you he will, but being negative about his friend will cause tension

His behaviour towards his friend is causing tension, but he is doing nothing to mitigate it.

Why does OP's tension not count for anything here? Why does she have to be polite and airy when her partner continues to do something that he knows upsets her? Why does OP have to surpress her feelings when he is making no efforts to surpress his? Why does he get to have what he wants when OP doesn't even get to express what she wants?

Follow your instincts.
If he had respect for you he'd stop with the long texts, 2 hour conversations.
He knows you feel uncomfortable but keeps on doing it.
That tells you he has no respect for his partner.
I'd probably see if there is more of a backstory seems to me there's been more than a friendship in the past.
Something has probably happened between them.
I wouldn't have much respect for her either to be honest.
She obviously knows it's not normal to spend as much time texting and calling a man which is in a relationship but carries on doing it.

we are all glued to our phones these days

Are we really, not in our house anyway.

Ask him to flip this, and how would he feel if you were spending so much time communicating with a male and sending hearts and kisses. He might feel it’s harmless, but she might be reading the signals differently. People should be able to have friends of the opposite sex, but the boundaries between your DP and his friend appear to be a bit blurred.

"He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her."

Pffft did not happen. Who thinks that highly of themselves to say that to someone who apparently is just a friend.
"Oh by the way I'm in a serious relationship. I know it will be really hard for you not to try it on with me because I'm so amazing and drop dead gorgeous. But please don't because I will reject you"
PLEEASE
He knows how it's making you feel, and he doesn't care. He's being disrespectful op.

This is the definition of an emotional affair, he’s watering the grass elsewhere

I think you should resume talking to your male friend and tell your dp so. In fact you should tell male friend what an arse your dp is being.
What’s sauce for the goose.

How long have they actually been back in contact for?

He sounds a right twit. She is buttering him up and playing to his ego (the comments that she has made) and testing the waters. He is allowing it to happen right under your nose, so in his eyes he has done nothing wrong and is not unfaithful.

The thing is it is upsetting you and he doesn't care. He is putting a lot of his time and effort into this person.

Tell him how you feel. The love you is a bit off. They haven't been in touch for years and now its all the time.....

Good luck

@HOS8595

How long have they actually been back in contact for?

Less than 2 weeks

He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her

That just does not make any sense, unless there have been undertones previously or flirting or suggestive comments. I have male friends and I have never felt the need to say anything remotely like this to them.

I bet he isn't sending dozens of texts/hearts and "I love you's" to 53 year old Bob in Accounts. It's always a young female eh? Quelle Surprise.

What this all boils down to, is that he's openly flirting with a single woman, you've said how it makes you feel and he carries on regardless. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd ask him to leave. Even if you don't really want him to go, he needs a rocket up his arse to give him a "wtf am I doing?" moment.

Also, the fact you have a child and you are not married also says alot about his commitment to you.

I bet he isn't sending dozens of texts/hearts and "I love you's" to 53 year old Bob in Accounts

That's a good point. Does he have this kind of relationship with any male friends? I mean, is this how he generally conducts his friendships? Heart emojis and suchlike? Some women do, between themselves, so it's not unheard of, within friendship, but does he usually do it, OP?

I wouldn't trust him an inch. His words and behaviour scream huge crush leading to emotional affair.

Is two weeks really long enough to class it as a emotional affair?

Is it just a bit of over Enthusiasm to be back in contact after so long?

Did they ever have sex in the past?

@AnyFucker

He's having an emotional affair in plain sight

The "openness and honesty: is pure manipulation designed to make you feel like you are being unreasonable.

Exactly. He's a gaslighting fuck. Don't doubt yourself, this is not the behaviour of 'friends'

Is two weeks really long enough to class it as a emotional affair

It doesn't matter what name you give it. You could call their relationship 'Fred'. OP is hurting and her partner carries on with the behaviour that hurts her, making out that she is a bad person for feeling bad.

It’s hard op as it could be innocent or it could be inappropriate. You just have to trust the man you love until he gives you a reason not to. But if you’ve told him how upset it makes you, you would think he would maybe dial down the frequency of their relationship.

It would be interesting to know if she reached out to him or he reached out to her? Either way it sounds quite intense - I would ask him to see a relationship counsellor with you to see if there is something you both need to work on in your relationship that he feels is missing.

I don't usually get involved in these threads and I do think it's perfectly possible for to have close friends of the opposite sex (or same sex if you are gay IFSWIM). But something about this is totally off:

• the justifying it 'I'm in a serious relationship' etc
• the intensity in such a short space of time
• the 'love u' / commenting on each other's looks

Massive red flags as far as I'm concerned. I think the fact that you, OP, are so so upset about it is a worry and the fact that he is not responding to that is weird.

If I'd reconnected with a male friend in this way I would be going out of my way to make sure DH was comfortable with it, I'd introduce him to the family as soon as possible and I'd try and involve DH in whatever we were talking about. I do have male friends that pre-date marriage, DH doesn't really get on brilliantly with them but I value their friendship so if we're in touch I always meet them in a group, make sure DH knows all about it and is super comfortable with it etc. I'd never have long emotional calls with them or send 'love u' messages - it's just weird.

If it was just a normal friendship he'd say something along the lines of "listen [friend], my partner is feeling uncomfortable with all of this. Why don't we all meet up when that's possible again and you can get to know each other a bit? In the meantime, probably best if cut out the calls and messages."

I'd ask him to do that and, if he won't, I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to stay with this man.