He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

@wildraisinsyoubseem to want to blame the OP for how she is feeling, which isn’t hugely helpful.

Yes, it is unreasonable and controlling to stop your partner having friends, but if they are spending time with and attention on the friends to the extent that their primary partner feels neglected there is clearly an issue. 2 hours is a really long conversation, they must surely be all caught up by now- I read it as more that the OP feels neglected and in second place because he is taking to the friend more than here, she might be unreasonably demanding, but if so that is still something to be acknowledged and dealt with.

There maybe nothing EA in the contact or there maybe.

I talk to my mates a lot regardless of sex.

It also might be that he’s feeling a bit flattered if she does fancy him.

If he fancies her he may or may not want to act on it.

Sounds like he’s enjoying the attention !! You have two options completely ignore it and the novelty will probably wear off ( he can hardly meet her in a lockdown) or give him an ultimatum to stop or you’re over, that might not be the best option in this current climate! She has a real cheek and is definitely over stepping the boundaries. That’s the trouble as it’s so easy to contact people now !!

"she's not going anywhere"

That's a red flag to me. She said 'love you' on a post where she also said he was handsome. She's single and talking to him for a couple of hours at a time. THEN, instead of apologising to your DP for making his you uncomfortable and upset, instead of retreating and saying 'she's right, it isn't really appropriate for us to be messaging this much, it's been good to catch up though. Good luck for the future' kind of message, she ups the ante by saying "I'm not going anywhere"??

In anyone's language she is throwing down the gauntlet and saying she won't stop, and will be there for him.

Even if he's not interested in her, she is certainly interested in him, her defiance shows that.

Turn it around on him and ask him how he would feel if you were to reacquaint with an ex over messenger, he liked a facebook picture of you and called you sexy, said love you with lovehearts, and also said "I'm not going anywhere" when you told him that your DP was uncomfortable with you messaging him and phoning him for 2 hours.

Ask him what his reaction would be? Then ask him why you should feel any different with him and this woman that is clinging onto him and basically throwing herself at him?

@Emeraldeyes20 OP is in Australia (so am I) and we don't have the same lockdown rules here, people can go to pubs, meet up, etc.

*What in the OP's posts actually implies this?

I can't see much tbh. It sounds to me like he has got in touch with an old friend and is enjoying reconnecting. He has a very insecure girlfriend who he does seem to be trying to reassure. OP said that she hasn't actually asked them to cut contact.*

Quite a lot of things in the OPs posts make me think all the things I said in my post.

For me I think the fact of the matter is him talking to her is making you feel uneasy and since you are his partner and have a child it shouldn’t be a issue. He should respect you enough to end talking to her.

If my DP asked that I end talking to a friend because it made him feel uneasy it would be the end of the relationship. Luckily I genuinely can't imagine - can't even get my head around - the idea of either of us policing the other's friendships. Which have included many two-hour conversations with people of the opposite sex over the years. The MN default to assume everyone's a rival bears no relationship to real life.

Yes, it is unreasonable and controlling to stop your partner having friends, but if they are spending time with and attention on the friends to the extent that their primary partner feels neglected there is clearly an issue. 2 hours is a really long conversation, they must surely be all caught up by now

A friendship is an ongoing thing, not a two-hour catch-up and then put on the back burner again.

[quote Keepingthingsinteresting]@wildraisinsyoubseem to want to blame the OP for how she is feeling, which isn’t hugely helpful.

Yes, it is unreasonable and controlling to stop your partner having friends, but if they are spending time with and attention on the friends to the extent that their primary partner feels neglected there is clearly an issue. 2 hours is a really long conversation, they must surely be all caught up by now- I read it as more that the OP feels neglected and in second place because he is taking to the friend more than here, she might be unreasonably demanding, but if so that is still something to be acknowledged and dealt with.[/quote]
Ah yes I see what you mean. I didn't mean it to come across that I was blaming OP for how she feels... our feelings are never anyone's "fault", they just are what they are. But I do think that the root cause of this blowing up into such a huge issue for OP are the feelings which are coming from inside her. More so than the partner's actual behaviour.

That's not OP's fault and like I said I think it's really natural to have feelings of jealousy and struggle with things like this, and a lot of us do and have had these struggles in relationships.

But these kinds of feelings and insecurities need to be acknowledged and addressed. If not then they are likely to just follow from one relationship to the next and different areas of life, regardless of who our partner is or what they are doing we will never be happy.

If you expect your partner to always behave in a certain way then you are always going to be unhappy because you are projecting outwards.

To be very Zen about it all, OP.... I suppose what I'm saying is "Look within"!

@gannett

For me I think the fact of the matter is him talking to her is making you feel uneasy and since you are his partner and have a child it shouldn’t be a issue. He should respect you enough to end talking to her.

If my DP asked that I end talking to a friend because it made him feel uneasy it would be the end of the relationship. Luckily I genuinely can't imagine - can't even get my head around - the idea of either of us policing the other's friendships. Which have included many two-hour conversations with people of the opposite sex over the years. The MN default to assume everyone's a rival bears no relationship to real life.

Yes, it is unreasonable and controlling to stop your partner having friends, but if they are spending time with and attention on the friends to the extent that their primary partner feels neglected there is clearly an issue. 2 hours is a really long conversation, they must surely be all caught up by now

A friendship is an ongoing thing, not a two-hour catch-up and then put on the back burner again.

So if something made your DP uncomfortable, you'd continue doing it and get rid of your DP? Good luck keeping any relationship then, because that is not normal behaviour. Relationships are about caring about the feelings of your significant other, if you want to be selfish and think only of yourself and stuff the affect your behaviour has on anyone else, you'd better off stay single.

Yet they hadn't been in contact for almost a DECADE, until now. So it was hardly a 'friendship' then, was it? I have friends from my past who I might catch up with once a year, if that, it doesn't mean we are in each others' (virtual) pockets and messaging at all hours every day. That is not normal for just a 'friendship'.

@Cokie3 oh that’s not good !! I am not sure how I would handle this one as the other woman has the upper hand and probably will know it’s causing friction!!

@Cokie3

"she's not going anywhere"

That's a red flag to me. She said 'love you' on a post where she also said he was handsome. She's single and talking to him for a couple of hours at a time. THEN, instead of apologising to your DP for making his you uncomfortable and upset, instead of retreating and saying 'she's right, it isn't really appropriate for us to be messaging this much, it's been good to catch up though. Good luck for the future' kind of message, she ups the ante by saying "I'm not going anywhere"??

In anyone's language she is throwing down the gauntlet and saying she won't stop, and will be there for him.

Even if he's not interested in her, she is certainly interested in him, her defiance shows that.

Turn it around on him and ask him how he would feel if you were to reacquaint with an ex over messenger, he liked a facebook picture of you and called you sexy, said love you with lovehearts, and also said "I'm not going anywhere" when you told him that your DP was uncomfortable with you messaging him and phoning him for 2 hours.

Ask him what his reaction would be? Then ask him why you should feel any different with him and this woman that is clinging onto him and basically throwing herself at him?

This is very true. That phrase jarred straight away. I am single and have a couple of good male friends. That is not appropriate behaviour in any way. If there was an inkling that a partner was not happy with the friendship, I would step back. Who would want to be in the middle of that unless you want more than friendship. You need to state the issues clearly and calmly. Don’t allow yourself to be gaslit. Your partners behaviour is not ok.

*you'd be better off

@wildraisins It still sounds like you are blaming the OP. Her partner's behaviour is simply not normal. That, is just not normal at all, to be so obsessively messaging a woman who says 'you're handsome', "love you", and when told of his partner - the mother of his child - her discomfort, the OW doubled down and said "I'm not going anywhere". Her partner's enabling of this OW-wannabe's behaviour is the root cause of the issue. I doubt she'd have a problem if he messaged the woman every now and then, and wasn't talking with her for 2 hours. It's the frequency, the amount of time like 2 hours talking, it's OW dismissing the OP's feelings and doubling down. The OP's jealousy is not the issue here.

So if something made your DP uncomfortable, you'd continue doing it and get rid of your DP? Good luck keeping any relationship then, because that is not normal behaviour. Relationships are about caring about the feelings of your significant other, if you want to be selfish and think only of yourself and stuff the affect your behaviour has on anyone else, you'd better off stay single.

If a normal friendship made me DP this uneasy yes I would get rid. It is unfathomable to me that anyone should tell me who I should be friends with, or how I should be friends with them. Policing the length of my messages? Fuck that.

Luckily I'm not in a relationship where either of us would dream of acting like that and it's lasted a decade so far, so we must be doing something right.

Yet they hadn't been in contact for almost a DECADE, until now. So it was hardly a 'friendship' then, was it? I have friends from my past who I might catch up with once a year, if that, it doesn't mean we are in each others' (virtual) pockets and messaging at all hours every day. That is not normal for just a 'friendship'.

It's perfectly normal to lose touch and then reconnect with people. Happened to me several times. And yes when you get back in touch you talk a lot. You're using some very exaggerated language to make this sound more dramatic than it is.

Yes i have my insecurities.
And as far as i know he hasnt told her the is the issue. Just that weve had a fight and that he would speak to her again in a few days

Told her that she is the issue*

@gannett

So if something made your DP uncomfortable, you'd continue doing it and get rid of your DP? Good luck keeping any relationship then, because that is not normal behaviour. Relationships are about caring about the feelings of your significant other, if you want to be selfish and think only of yourself and stuff the affect your behaviour has on anyone else, you'd better off stay single.

If a normal friendship made me DP this uneasy yes I would get rid. It is unfathomable to me that anyone should tell me who I should be friends with, or how I should be friends with them. Policing the length of my messages? Fuck that.

Luckily I'm not in a relationship where either of us would dream of acting like that and it's lasted a decade so far, so we must be doing something right.

Yet they hadn't been in contact for almost a DECADE, until now. So it was hardly a 'friendship' then, was it? I have friends from my past who I might catch up with once a year, if that, it doesn't mean we are in each others' (virtual) pockets and messaging at all hours every day. That is not normal for just a 'friendship'.

It's perfectly normal to lose touch and then reconnect with people. Happened to me several times. And yes when you get back in touch you talk a lot. You're using some very exaggerated language to make this sound more dramatic than it is.

Firstly, this cannot be described as a 'normal friendship'. Even when men and women have friendships, this is NOT 'normal' friendship behaviour, not by a long shot. You can't compare normal friendship behaviour, to this. The OP's partner is clearly in a 'very exaggerated' 'friendship' because it is simply not normal at all for opposite sex friends to talk on the phone for 2 hours, to message at all hours, etc etc.

It is not normal! You are attempting to compare this obsessive, and something that has become very intense very quickly 'friendship' to normal opposite sex friendships. You just cannot compare it. This is no mere 'friendship'.

She is trouble. As a woman she is over stepping boundaries and involving herself in your relationship. She knows what she's doing. You and dp are already arguing over her and that's what she wants. You are being made out to be the crazy one whilst she is in the background telling dp how wonderful he is. Men are fools and easily led. You could play her at her own game. You should become her friend and plant yourself in their relationship. Pretend if you have to how great it would be to meet up. As the saying goes keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Don't play into her hands by letting her be your dp saviour when you argue. I'd woman up and be as cheeky and forward as she is.

@AnonymousMama1

Told her that she is the issue*

He needs to tell her. By the sound of things, she won't care and will take it as a challenge, even an encouragement that she 'has a chance'. Regardless, he needs to tell her that you are uncomfortable with the length of phone calls and the amount they are messaging each other. NO woman would be happy with this, this is no normal 'friendship', that's for sure! Not in anyone's definition.

So if something made your DP uncomfortable, you'd continue doing it and get rid of your DP? Good luck keeping any relationship then, because that is not normal behaviour. Relationships are about caring about the feelings of your significant other, if you want to be selfish and think only of yourself and stuff the affect your behaviour has on anyone else, you'd better off stay single.

No one's talking about him "getting rid" of OP though. She hasn't even explicitly asked him to stop.

You're right that relationships are about caring about the feelings of your SO and there is a balance there, and things aren't always the same once you're in a relationship. It sounds like they are still very much in the process of negotiating it, and he has actually tried to reassure her. OP hasn't actually said that he has refused to cut her out if asked to.

The caring in relationships goes both ways though. I imagine if OP's partner has genuinely just got back in touch with an old friend who he is happy to be talking to again, he is struggling with this strong reaction from his partner amidst that excitement. So what about his feelings about this friend that he obviously values?

I have some male friendships that I really value, and my DP has no problems with me messaging or calling them. If I were in emotional distress and my DP was not around, I would not hesitate to give one of them a call. I certainly wouldn't expect them to follow some kind of unwritten "code of honour" about not getting involved because I have a partner! And I would be very sad if my partner were uncomfortable with it. Same for him with a few female friends.

It's fine because we're both OK with it.

OP and her partner just have to work out what they're both OK with and that's a difficult thing to navigate. In order to be successful I think they both have to work out what parts of their feelings are rational and what aren't.

For OP's partner, he has to be very honest with himself about whether he may have feelings for this woman, or she for him.

And for OP, she has to be very honest with herself about her deep rooted insecurities and how much of what she is feeling is rational, vs. how much is a story she is creating in her head.

Not easy! But that's how it works.

I would be absolutely not ok with this. Does he text his male friends with hearts and spend 2hours chatting with them? Not likely.
Tell him you dont want to share him with another woman and you'll be walking away unless he can end this

@wildraisins

So if something made your DP uncomfortable, you'd continue doing it and get rid of your DP? Good luck keeping any relationship then, because that is not normal behaviour. Relationships are about caring about the feelings of your significant other, if you want to be selfish and think only of yourself and stuff the affect your behaviour has on anyone else, you'd better off stay single.

No one's talking about him "getting rid" of OP though. She hasn't even explicitly asked him to stop.

You're right that relationships are about caring about the feelings of your SO and there is a balance there, and things aren't always the same once you're in a relationship. It sounds like they are still very much in the process of negotiating it, and he has actually tried to reassure her. OP hasn't actually said that he has refused to cut her out if asked to.

The caring in relationships goes both ways though. I imagine if OP's partner has genuinely just got back in touch with an old friend who he is happy to be talking to again, he is struggling with this strong reaction from his partner amidst that excitement. So what about his feelings about this friend that he obviously values?

I have some male friendships that I really value, and my DP has no problems with me messaging or calling them. If I were in emotional distress and my DP was not around, I would not hesitate to give one of them a call. I certainly wouldn't expect them to follow some kind of unwritten "code of honour" about not getting involved because I have a partner! And I would be very sad if my partner were uncomfortable with it. Same for him with a few female friends.

It's fine because we're both OK with it.

OP and her partner just have to work out what they're both OK with and that's a difficult thing to navigate. In order to be successful I think they both have to work out what parts of their feelings are rational and what aren't.

For OP's partner, he has to be very honest with himself about whether he may have feelings for this woman, or she for him.

And for OP, she has to be very honest with herself about her deep rooted insecurities and how much of what she is feeling is rational, vs. how much is a story she is creating in her head.

Not easy! But that's how it works.

Again I think what is being missed here is that this is no ordinary friendship. You cannot compare opposite sex friends, which I have no problems with, btw, with this. This, this is way beyond mere 'friendship'. You are talking about how you/your partner would feel re ordinary friendships.

I can't reiterate it enough because I think a few people are not getting it. This.is.no.ordinary.friendship. This is something that became very intense very quickly when his former friend, now single, got back in contact. Unless you are telling me you spend hours a day messaging your male friends and 2 hours on the phone with them, it is irrelevant to compare them. Of course men and women should be able to have opposite sex friends. But this is no ordinary opposite sex 'friendship'. I don't know any woman, or any man, who would be ok with this very intense level of friendship.

‘ He says hes focusing on me not but in the next breath he asks what he can say or do to make me ok with him taking to her.’

Him talking to her is more important than his relationship with you right there.
This isn’t normal at all, he’s crossing a line, disrespecting and gaslighting you all in one.

OP, I've been in your situation and in the end he left me to be with her. I'm not saying this is what will happen to you, but trust your gut.

My ex had a best friend he spoke to constantly, I told him when we first got together that I was uncomfortable with it because she had always had feelings for him. But of course I was the crazy one.

Over the years, he just became more secretive. He'd go over to her house, go for meals with her and I was none the wiser.

I literally broke down numerous times because of the way they spoke to each other. He never cared about my feelings because she made him feel good. He left me to be with her and to be honest I'm pretty glad. My only regret is I didn't leave as soon as he dismissed my upset.

It's not worth feeling like this, it's not worth starving yourself over. Believe me I've been there. Hold your head up high and tell him if he doesn't respect your feelings he needs to leave. You've done nothing wrong but he seems to be good at making you feel that way, much like my ex.

However you end up dealing with this situation, I wish you all the best

The OP's partner is clearly in a 'very exaggerated' 'friendship' because it is simply not normal at all for opposite sex friends to talk on the phone for 2 hours, to message at all hours, etc etc.

It's only abnormal if you have nothing interesting to say. I could chat for hours with any of my friends, male or female, about any subject! I pick them in part because they're interesting and great conversationalists. This is especially the case if we haven't spoken in years!

Tell him you dont want to share him with another woman

This is such a toxic and possessive attitude. Your partner is not yours to share.