He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

The first pAragraph could be totally innocent. For whatever reason, he wondered what friend was doing, messaged her, and then spent a couple of days catching up, reminiscing etc.

“ I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages. ”

However, this paragraph is more concerning. How can you miss someone you’ve only just reconnected too. Emotional affair territory.

If he says that you don’t trust him, admit it’s making you feel uneasy. Ie, going from zero to hero overnight. Why has she become so important so quickly?

You are entirely allowed to have boundaries in your relationship, and this would CERTAINLY cross the boundaries of mine. I had a similar situation and I insisted that it was not ok for me.

If my husband texted ‘love you’ to any other woman, I would honestly separate.

He can't stop talking to her, can't stop talking about her, not a good sign. It's effectively a new thing, the fact they knew each other years ago doesn't really matter, they're hardly old muckers who've always hung out. Therefore I would be wary of any arguments that they're 'just friends', he doesn't want to stop talking to a friend, it's entirely innocent etc. The constant texting isn't necessary and rather inappropriate that he's telling her you've had a row.

“Sorry this is a deal breaker for me, you will have to make a choice”

It’s an unhealthy about of time to be chatting to another women, let alone all of the messages.

You shouldn’t have to justify yourself. You aren’t comfortable with this friendship as it’s too intimate and affectionate. Valid reason. He should respect that and you.

@IndieRo

She is trouble. As a woman she is over stepping boundaries and involving herself in your relationship. She knows what she's doing. You and dp are already arguing over her and that's what she wants. You are being made out to be the crazy one whilst she is in the background telling dp how wonderful he is. Men are fools and easily led. You could play her at her own game. You should become her friend and plant yourself in their relationship. Pretend if you have to how great it would be to meet up. As the saying goes keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Don't play into her hands by letting her be your dp saviour when you argue. I'd woman up and be as cheeky and forward as she is.

This also.

I think the behaviour is odd , hearts and I love u’s May be normal for him to friends but does she know this ? If I received those I would be thinking he fancied me ! I also think it’s odd he’s deleted some messages to her - very strange . During your time together he’s not speaking to you but instead to this woman . He lied about how long he spent on the phone .
I would definitely reverse the situation and see how he would feel - I find with my dh that reversing it works well because they are suddenly in your shoes .
I wouldn’t be happy either . I think if you’re insecure about every woman than that’s not good & you need to work on your insecurities- but if your spidy senses are raised just with this one - trust your instincts . I would be giving an ultimatum out personally !!

Sorry you are struggling.

He could be right in that at the moment they are just catching up on not having spoken for some years and it will all settle soon.

This happened to me many years ago. My partner at the time reconnected with an old friend and they messaged intensively for a few days and met up. I was worried by it as they were talking and laughing about old times and I felt excluded and unsure what was going on. It all seemed really intense. However, once they had exchanged messages for a few days and gone out for a drink it all stopped. My partner said he felt it was getting a bit much (I think he wasn’t sure of her intentions). So the point is, your partner may be able to put boundaries in himself after this initial catching up phase.

If I were you I would go out, see my friends, fill your life with things important to you and enjoy yourself. There is nothing you can do but wait and see all this burns itself out. Give him the chance to put the brakes on himself rather than forcing him to do it. But in the meantime just fill your life with positive things to help him focus on the fact that he is wasting time on social media and missing out on having lovely times with you.

YANBU to want him to stop but the more you force the issue the more you will make yourself ill and cause a rift between you. He has to manage this for himself. I know it’s difficult to sit back and wait, I really do.

OP he is ignoring your feelings and gaslighting you.
Your feelings are totally valid in this situation- I would feel the same way.

Tell him how you feel and leave it at that.
I would give him more space- not less.
You can't control his path, and if you try to micromanage this ha may end up lying.
So keep an eagle eye at a distance.

Are these the actions of a good man who cares for and respects you?
Give him the rope he needs.

Told her that she is the issue

She isn't the issue. He is.

I was very close friends with an old flame of mine. We were together in our (very) early twenties, had an amicable breakup and remained close friends after. However, when he met woman who is now his DW and mother of his children she strongly objected to our friendship. It hurt and I did think she was unreasonable as by that point we've been just friends 10y and I was happily married (he attended my wedding), but I also DID tell him that he needs to prioritize her and their relationship. We stopped talking regularly and just message now to congratulate big dates/holidays, and inform each other of major events (children being born etc.) and while I still miss the closeness we had - it was the right thing to do.

In this situation, if you're so bothered by it - regardless of whether you're unreasonable or not about it - if he was committed to your relationship he should have taken it into account and cut down significantly the contact. She should have done the same. Good friendship (if that what it is) is also letting go for the benefit of the friend and their family.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. It would have come up over something else eventually, but it happens to have come up regarding him talking to another woman.

The thing to focus on is that he dismisses your feelings in favour of his own preferences. He prefers to keep sending hearts to this woman than to respect your feelings. He prefers to make you feel like a bad person instead of respecting your feelings.

Have a think if this applies in any other area of your life together. Does he over ride your feelings in other ways? Not clean up after himself so you end up doing it? Letting your son watch TV all day when he's looking after him, when you've asked him to do something more useful? Staying out late when he's promised he'll be home early because you'd like an early night?

Does stuff like this happen?

OP be honest, you don't trust him and you've got good reason to. He obviously has feelings for her. You should kick him out before he hurts you, because he will. He is gaslighting you into rhibnjng you're the one in the wrong. If she is calling him handsome and saying 'love u' then there is some intention there i am afraid.

Don't blame you for worrying. She says ''i'm not going anywhere''.
That sounds a little like i"ll be here when you're single.
He's not doing anything to reassure you in fact the opposite.

I would take control back. Plan for a singledom ahead. Do you work?

He’s obviously getting a ‘buzz’ out of reconnecting with her. Probably because it’s flirty and interesting and slightly dangerous with you helpfully providing the ‘danger’ to their rekindled bond. Don’t play that game is my advice. Don’t ask. Don’t engage. If he starts tapping away with messages when you’re sitting together simply ignore it.
He will wither lose interest or have a full blow affair with this woman and there's nothing you can do about either of those outcomes.
More worrying is how you’ve told him you don’t like it and having his ego stroked by an old mate has taken priority over you: that’s important to see, he’s quite a selfish bloke basically.

“Again I think what is being missed here is that this is no ordinary friendship. You cannot compare opposite sex friends, which I have no problems with, btw, with this. This, this is way beyond mere 'friendship'. You are talking about how you/your partner would feel re ordinary friendships.

I can't reiterate it enough because I think a few people are not getting it. This.is.no.ordinary.friendship. This is something that became very intense very quickly when his former friend, now single, got back in contact. Unless you are telling me you spend hours a day messaging your male friends and 2 hours on the phone with them, it is irrelevant to compare them. Of course men and women should be able to have opposite sex friends. But this is no ordinary opposite sex 'friendship'. I don't know any woman, or any man, who would be ok with this very intense level of friendship.”

This with bells on for me.

OP, there are a lot of posts here from ridiculously possessive jealous women. From what you described I don't think you are one of them. Adult people should know that this format of communication is not appropriate. I understand they haven't talked to each other in 10 years but it should have been covered in one long call, not all these rather excessive calls/messages.
I don't believe this woman has no inappropriate intentions towards your husband. You don't tell your old friend that he looks handsome with heart signs. You would tell them they look good. I have male friends, I wouldn't talk to them like that. It would piss me off if my husband would tell some woman we had a fight because of her. You are not in the wrong, he is

He sounds like he's become very quickly infatuated with this friend of his. It's too intense.

He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

"Serious"? You live together, you have a child together and you are a family. That's very odd language to use, as though you're a mere girlfriend of his and that you aren't completely sharing your lives.

I doubt very much that he even said this to her, I doubt whether you come up very often at all if he's doing what it looks like he's doing, but if he did, then this alone would ring massive alarm bells.

Him telling her how you feel is so cruel. It is putting her before you. I'm not saying leave him as it isn't that easy but he needs to understand how stupid, unkind and pathetic he is being.

@Aneley

I was very close friends with an old flame of mine. We were together in our (very) early twenties, had an amicable breakup and remained close friends after. However, when he met woman who is now his DW and mother of his children she strongly objected to our friendship. It hurt and I did think she was unreasonable as by that point we've been just friends 10y and I was happily married (he attended my wedding), but I also DID tell him that he needs to prioritize her and their relationship. We stopped talking regularly and just message now to congratulate big dates/holidays, and inform each other of major events (children being born etc.) and while I still miss the closeness we had - it was the right thing to do.

In this situation, if you're so bothered by it - regardless of whether you're unreasonable or not about it - if he was committed to your relationship he should have taken it into account and cut down significantly the contact. She should have done the same. Good friendship (if that what it is) is also letting go for the benefit of the friend and their family.

but I also DID tell him that he needs to prioritize her and their relationship.

That's good. And that, is how healthy relationships are supposed to be. A relationship is compromise and care. Anyone that dismisses their partner's feelings is too selfish to be in a relationship.

What he is doing is making you feel uncomfortable and you've now made this known to him. It is totally unacceptable for him to be carrying on knowing how it makes you feel, and then on top of that, telling you that your feelings are misplaced or wrong.

It is possible to trust someone but to also feel uneasy, uncomfortable with acts that they are carrying out. What woman would feel comfortable with their partner investing that amount of time and energy with another women that they do not know! Baffling!

I wouldn't be standing for it.

This woman is clearly after him. He is feeding this situation by paying her so much attention. If he respected your feelings he would stop. 'I'm not going anywhere' definitely sounds like she's waiting for him to pick her. Not acceptable.

The thing is, OP’s partner obviously doesn’t think that platonic relationships are possible/appropriate with someone of the opposite sex because he kicked off about OP’s male friend. The difference there is, OP (rightly or wrongly) dropped contact with her male friend. Does he think platonic relationships possible or not? And if not, why is he spending so much time talking to this old friend?

Together with the other circs and that OP’s not taken umbrage at him having other female friends it all combines into a big red flag imo.

Nope, that’s a ridiculous amount of time to be spending chatting to a ‘friend’ and very disrespectful to you.

It’s not ok. You can’t do anything about it though.

Start detaching from him. Don’t question him. Quietly start doing your own thing and ready yourself for life without him when you decide to do that.

His behaviour is not ok.