He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

I think it’s absolutely not okay. DH and I have close opposite sex friends but we are mindful about how we connect with them. Usually for example we text/WhatsApp in groups with our OHs. We would arrange (ordinarily!) to have dinner altogether, or if spending time alone with an opposite sex friend would go to a cafe for lunch rather than dinner. We wouldn’t text continuously or send hearts even though these are friends I have literally known all my life. I think he is being disrespectful and actually quite naïve.

It’s not the op “causing tension” or “needing to work on things”.

It’s her DP who is carrying on a relationship with another woman, and telling her that this is normal, who is at fault. Not the OP.

@GwendolineMarysLaces said it much more succinctly than me. This is not how 'friends' behave.

Pretty sure there is only one reason to move the conversation from messenger to snapchat!

Honestly, ditch him now. She is more important to him than you and your feelings so why stay with the prick?

WTF. You need to take control of this ASAP. I’d be having a pretty frank discussion with him about the future of your relationship.

How would I feel? Just like you do. And I have learnt, over the years, that my instincts are always right.

He's enjoying the attention he's getting this is like the start of a new relationship when it's all chat. Difference is here though he's not single so he's totally out of line. Who got in contact first? Ask him how he'd feel if you were beside him and you were sending another man love hearts. He needs to stop and respect you.

He's gaslighting you and taking you for a mug. I'm just trying to imagine how my DH would react if I started having 2 hour phonecalls and sending hearts and "luv u's" to a male friend.

Oh he's loving this isn't he? Being very clever texting her while sitting next to you and pretending that love u isn't I love you (it is)

I would give him a choice. Stop it or leave. That's it.

@Eckhart

Is two weeks really long enough to class it as a emotional affair

It doesn't matter what name you give it. You could call their relationship 'Fred'. OP is hurting and her partner carries on with the behaviour that hurts her, making out that she is a bad person for feeling bad.

But all he is doing is openly messaging a old friend ... granted it’s a lot at the moment but they haven’t chatted in years.

Is he not allowed friends? Or only friends that The OP approves of?

He clearly wants to stay in contact with a friend and he’s asked what can he do to make it better for the OP? Hardly terrible behaviour if he’s genuinely trying.

I have female friends that I message pretty much all day and I wouldn’t do anything different if it was a man and we were just friends.

Ask him how he would feel if you were measaging an old male friend saying luv u and talking on the phone for 2 hours at a time. It is unusual. No wonder this makes you uncomfortable. His priority should be you and your feelings, and if this level of intimacy makes you uncomfortable he shouldnt be doing it. Tell him to read this thread if he argues that your opinion is wrong.

I don’t have any advice. I’d be feeling exactly the same as you though op.

This cannot be easy for you. If he is unwilling to stop contacting someone he has not seen in years over his long term partner then it looks like he cares more for her feelings than yours. It might be time to call it a day.

I would ask in front of him to see the messages, if they are so innocent.

If he doesn't give over his phone, right there and then, tell him to leave.

This is not OK, like.someone said up there ^ he is watering the grass somewhere else.

It could be innocent on his part... but I don't think it's innocent on hers.
Is she newly single by any chance?

I think there are times when people don't see it until they're hooked in.
It can be a flattering "oh, you are the only one who really understands how hard it's been for me." Type thing. Which leaves the person feeling that they can't refuse as otherwise they're abandoning them without anyone who can help.

He's gaslighting you. I'd feel exactly the same as you. in your shoes if be saying this has to stop or drastically reduce or you can fuck off. trust those instincts.

And snapchat? Really?

Thing is that if you are in an exclusive relationship with one person your relationships with others are dialled down to friends or acquaintances style.

This is respectful of everyone involved and saves hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

What’s described here is fudging boundaries and is unfair on you - whatever his intentions.

I’m sure he would hate it if you did similar! And that is what he needs to think about and then decide is he is a committed relationship with you or what. He is behaving like you are FWB ie open relationship.

I would not trust him at all. Seems highly suspicious to me.

You don’t have no contact with somebody for 9 years and then send “love u” messages. It’s weird and not normal. It’s just not normal. It’s really really weird.

I have a real problem with people saying they they aren't attracted to that person, or that they were never interested in them when they were younger. So you have nothing to worry about. They use it as an excuse to carry on with whatever behaviour they are doing. It insinuates that if they did find that person attractive then you would have something to worry about.

I haven't read the whole thread but years ago, when we had a 2 year old and another on the way, my ex husband got back in touch with old school friends from primary school (nice one facebook) and he went to school reunion.
I questioned him going at the time as a) this was a primary school he was only at for a couple of years b) It was in another city (he had moved, hence not staying at the same school) and c) I was heavily pregnant and he insisted he wanted to stay overnight in a hotel as he couldn't possibly drive there and back and not drink.

I found out a few days after the reunion that he had been unfaithful with a woman he had a brief childhood romance with at school. The messages on fb I saw suggested it was down to 'unfinished business' all those years ago.

So my gut reaction, based on my own experiences would be "hell no".

Hi OP, I'd feel exactly the same as you.

Friendships and relationships are different - and need different boundaries. Telling a friend he's only JUST re-connected with 'Love you' and sending heart emojis is bizarre. How can you say that to someone you've only spoken to 2 weeks after no contact for 10 years!

The level of contact is also bizarre for someone you've only started talking to 2 weeks ago... there is no catch up that needs every day, multiple hours - and this isn't going to taper off to less contact now that they've started.

Also to be sharing when you've had a fight. To a woman he hasn't spoken to in 10 years! It's all very intense and emotional. Not the way a friendship should be, least of all a new one.

Explain to him calmly how it is making you feel. No accusations or upset or crying. Tell him it's his decision how much he chooses to let this 'friendship' impact on your relationship. You're not going to stop him doing what he wants, but if it gets too much for you, the relationship will change forever.

Then slowly start detaching until you see him take you seriously: the detaching is to help you keep your sanity but also consider next steps if it does break you and you want to leave. Have a back up plan just in case. It will empower you and you won't feel as hostage to how insecure he's making you feel.

Why would anyone think you're 'a terrible person ' for being pissed off that your husband is messaging another woman?!

I would go ape shit. I'd kick him out then pay madam a visit. I don't mean to sound harsh but are you usually a push over? Let him treat you like dirt?

It's like you can't accept he's in the wrong OP. So I suspect this has been a long term emotionally abusive relationship.

No it's not right. I wouldn't be happy either about this. Think I would make friends with an old school mate, and keep talking to him. Invite him to dinner too. See how he likes it.

Sounds dodgy as fuck to me