He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

Hi @AmywithanL don’t think you’ve been involved with this thread but want to stick your beak in it seems . I’m checking in daily out of concern for the op and the awful situation she is in , something I’ve similarly experienced so understand how terrible it is . It would be nice if she put my mind at rest if she receives the message as I’ve spent time reading and advising her ( as have others who are also asking for any news) and want to ensure that she’s ok . If I start a thread I always do try to go back to update so people aren’t left concerned . This isn’t any kind of soap opera to me so keep your judgements to yourself

@Happyone8

Hi *@AmywithanL* don’t think you’ve been involved with this thread but want to stick your beak in it seems . I’m checking in daily out of concern for the op and the awful situation she is in , something I’ve similarly experienced so understand how terrible it is . It would be nice if she put my mind at rest if she receives the message as I’ve spent time reading and advising her ( as have others who are also asking for any news) and want to ensure that she’s ok . If I start a thread I always do try to go back to update so people aren’t left concerned . This isn’t any kind of soap opera to me so keep your judgements to yourself

I also gave advice and have no expectation that the OP will come back and give us updates because I expect she's got far more important things to worry about. The advice wasn't conditional

Nosiness dressed up as concern is still nosiness.

Ok well we have talked on and off but nothing has been resolved. I dont want to leave him if we can find a way to work through this.
She messaged him all “so what she wont let you be friends with me, that’s disappointing” when i havent actually said that.
Im not happy but after speaking to my mum yesterday im thinking that as she said its not like i dont know how to be a single mum and he will do whatever he does no matter how i react. She says let him hang himself. So basically i will see what happens. I can only hope their “friendship” settles down to a normal level after they have “caught up”. If he leaves me for her then i know i was right. But until i have to i dont want to give up.
I know ill get some hate for that and being a pushover etc but i do still love him or else all of this wouldnt have so much of an effect on me.
Im thinking also of making an appointment with a psychologist for myself (he says we dont need couples counselling so ill go alone) and maybe i can work out what i actually need to do by speaking with them.

Your self respect is in the gutter, and he knows it. He will have sex with this OW and come home and you will take him back and he knows it. This is your new normal.. and he knows it.

However.. this is the life you accept so I wish you the best OP.

Their friendship won't settle down to a normal level after they've 'caught up' because that is not what they are doing.

They are convinced they have real genuine feelings for each other like millions of other people do when they start to talk to people from their past and even if they're not real that is what they think they are feeling.
It's the exact same way that people feel when they're falling for someone but without the anxiety of the early days of a relationship because they feel like they have a history and must be somehow meant to be or else they wouldn't be feeling like this...also the fact that they are being kept apart 'for now' will make them idealise the other one even more.

Why did he save those incriminating snapchat messages? Think about it!! Think about that lovely buzz you get from a message when you're completely into a new partner and they open up and say something cute or lovely, you get butterflies from it and keep it and read it again and again because you keep getting the butterflies from it. That's why he kept those messages!!

He doesn't give a shit how you're feeling and he's definitely not a man if he said to her that you won't let him be friends with you. If he genuinely loved you, cared about you and respected you he wouldn't blame any of that on you. He would have told her that the relationship was inappropriate and that he wouldn't be talking to her anymore...he wouldn't be blaming it on you.

I disagree with your mothers advice about letting him hang himself...he already has and you're going to get even more hurt by thinking you can let this play out and they'll cool it and end up as normal friends.

Yes and no. If he sleeps with her there will be no coming back from that and that will be the definite end for me. I would never take him back from that

@AnonymousMama1

Yes and no. If he sleeps with her there will be no coming back from that and that will be the definite end for me. I would never take him back from that

he's already openly pursuing her online ... why wait for the final act .. to see who he is...

With all due respect... He is showing you .. you mean nothing to him 🌺

@AnonymousMama1well done in the decision to go for counselling yourself. I think this will really help you to make good decisions about what to do. This is no way to live. Good luck.

OP I agree with your mother

Step back and let him "hang himself"..
He will do what he will do, either openly or in secret.
Protesting and getting upset makes you the bad buy anyway, and give your OH ( in his eyes) reason to cast you in a bad light.
Do what you need to- and don't be a pushover.
Your OH knows your feelings, and he has some choices to make
He has the freedom to steer his own life

But so do you

Your last post is further proof you should end it asap.

1. His 'friend' is disrespecting you, I'd find this “so what she wont let you be friends with me, that’s disappointing” quite offensive. Just her tone is very hostile, she should be telling him they should cool it as she would "never want to hurt or upset your partner". THAT, is the message she should have sent. I dare say that is the message any genuine friend with no ulterior motives would send. She clearly feels an ownership over your DP and resent that you, his partner, dares feel upset. Her attitude spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E! She is is making it clear she is a threat, and has no respect for you.

1. Your partner won't go to couples counselling. If he truly loves you and is committed to making your relationship work.....why wouldn't he? Why not? What does he has to hide? If he were committed he'd be doing anything to convince you of that, not shooting down your suggestions to try. Him not wanting to try couples counselling would have me wanting to walk then and there.

What does you mum mean? Does she mean you should stay with him because you know what it's like to be single mum and he is a guy so he'll react how he wants and you just have to accept it as the woman no matter the emotional psychological damage and stress it causes you, including being physically unwell (NO woman needs that!)? Or is she saying you should leave him and you can cope as you know how to be a single mum? Sorry I just don't understand what she means 'let him hang himself'.

I think her mum meant it as you know you can do this on your own. As of yet you have no proof he’s cheating. Yes what he’s doing is awful behaviour and he’s turning everything onto you your insecurities etc. This isn’t right however only you know your relationship if you think there’s something to save and stay for then do it. But you will have to take a step back and allow the friendship if your ever going to find out the truth and just be prepared that it may not be what you want.

I would send the snapchat thread to his mum. Let him explain that away to her.

Sorry OP, it should be couples counselling if he is serious about protecting your relationship. Of course everyone can benefit from individual counselling so it wouldn't be bad for you to do that too, but I'm suspicious that he has declared that you don't "need" couples sessions (I doubt he is qualified to say this!) and I presume he hasn't offered to go for individual sessions too? It reads to me that he is trying to avoid being called out by saying that the problems you are having are all to do with your mental health when in fact it is his bad behaviour (flattery-induced selfishness and complete disregard for relationship boundaries as they link to friendships). Old friends don't just turn up after 10 years and start messing in people's relationships or saying the type of things this woman is! So regardless of his intentions, she is being completely out of line and he is letting her hurt you and your relationship. That in itself needs talking through with someone, not brushed under the carpet. So please insist on a couples counselling appointment. You are indeed strong enough to bounce back and move on if he does the worst, so I know you are strong enough to demand fairer treatment before things escalate further. He is being a twat but if it is out of character (ie. he is flattered and being influenced by this woman who clearly doesn't respect your relationship) then you may be able to row back from it with some support. Standing back and saying "come what may" will end badly, I think, even if their friendship does fizzle out (which seems unlikely, this isn't normal "catching up"). It demonstrates to him that he can behave badly in future and blame you, and that will no doubt manifest in multiple other ways (a "new" friend he meets next year, for example... then what -- you have to go through all this again?). Hold him accountable, you do not just have to grit your teeth and bear this.

OP how will you know whether he’s slept with her? They’re not likely to message about it and if they do, he’s not likely to show you his phone. They even could have already - every time he goes out for an hour alone, like his 5am runs, he could be going to her. I know someone who was having sex with a guy in their cars at the start of lockdown and he had a pregnant fiancée at home.

It sounds as though the discussions you’re having with him hasn’t made any progress whatsoever and he isn’t taking a scrap of accountability and is making out you’re crazy and controlling. This is abusive. I wonder - how is the rest of the relationship? How are money, household chores, parenting responsibilities shared out? How does he usually speak to you and treat you? I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years completely in denial as to me that behaviour had been normalised. It’s only when he really overstepped the mark that I had the courage to end it and the more time passes and the more you interact in new relationships with people, the more perspective you gain and I’m now horrified at how I was treated on a daily basis and I’m still feeling the psychological repercussions of that realisation.

If he doesn’t treat you right in other areas of your life and relationship then please please don’t waste any more time with this man. There’s a whole new wonderful life waiting for you. The world doesn’t end with your relationship. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with a wonderful man 2 years on x

They will message about it. He’s so cocky about it all he thinks he’s untouchable.

I know you say you love him and this must be so so hard and I really feel for you. But one day, a woman has to just love herself more. It’s really about whether he loves you. I think self respect is more important. Please bear self respect in mind. And it sounds if he has no love or respect for you at all if he’s behaving as you describe. But no matters what we say, you’ll know when he’s pushed you too far. Be strong.

I don't understand why you should prolong the agony. He's shown you who he is, what he thinks of you, you're only giving him time to set up his next "perfect" life/relationship. Throw a hand grenade into it now. Send him packing. He won't be as attractive a prospect when he's sleeping on his mum's settee. He'll not be a "prize" to be won, he'll be exposed as the cheater he is. Everyone will know it. Don't validate their deceitful dreams of fate and destiny.and dreams coming true - let him go now, it'll be a nightmare for him very soon, get your counselling and move on ♥️

@AnonymousMama1

Yes and no. If he sleeps with her there will be no coming back from that and that will be the definite end for me. I would never take him back from that

What makes you sure he isn't shagging her? Everything so far points to this

Do you need to catch them in the act?
Or wait until he tells you that he's leaving you to be with her?
He should be doing everything he can to put you at ease, to save your marriage.
He won't go to couples counselling - quelle surprise!

He's hedging his bets.

Good luck OP

I agree with the pps who are saying don’t hang around and let him ‘choose you’ OP, because doing the ‘pick me dance’ never ever ends well, your self esteem and your mental health will take a battering, and trust me the few hours you spend together happily will be far outweighed by the hours you spend questioning everything and going round in circles, rip the plaster off and get rid of him, in a few weeks your self esteem and your mental health will vastly improve and you will be so glad you did !

oh the 'friend' really is a trier. 'disappointing' my arse, she's fishing for someone she fancied when she was younger and doing a good job of reeling him in. rather than take DH's message as a cue to apologise for crossing a line she's tried to use it to drive a wedge, wifey is a meany we're just having fun and she's spoiling it boo hoo.

You could always take the direct route, message her to ask why she's flirting with a random man from her past who has a wife and child, and what she's hoping to achieve. There's every chance you'll scare the life out of her. But I sort of agree with your mum, your DH will do what he's going to do or not and you can't control that.

spending ££££ on counselling isn't going to back her off or make your DH change his attitude. If you are determined to keep him, honestly your best route isn't rows focused on this woman, just fuck his brains out, fuck him till his legs go out from under him and he passes out, make his favourite food, be funny and laugh at his jokes, all that stuff. Make her irrelevant. Men are simple creatures and you can wipe the floor with her attempt to muscle into your life but you won't do it by telling him off, that will just annoy and push him away. This woman is happy to put you in the role of killjoy wifey and her as fun friend, don't let her. do the opposite. And I say this as someone who would kick my DH out if he behaved like this with some random.

Only just seen your thread OP but it definitely sounds like he's flattered by the attention from her. Telling her that she's more than a friend and all the hearts etc would worry me too.
I think you're doing the right thing by just sitting tight and hoping it'll all calm down once they've had their mammoth catch up.
I'd be very wary though. Good luck.

Hi op , the advice on here is really good .
I’m afraid you’ve given him the green light to really go for the affair now . Perhaps , if you had temporarily kicked him out - he would have been shocked to his senses. When we show people our boundaries, we often gain more self respect and worth In their eyes . Instead , you are now rapidly losing self respect. Why are you looking at your own counselling? this is not an issue with you but an issue with HIS actions . He should be going to counselling or you both go together to understand the impact this is having on you and that what he is doing wrong.
The other woman is sneering at you with her comment , looking down her nose at you , it would make me very uncomfortable
As other posters have said , how do you know when they cheat ?
I think you could have stopped this , still possibly can , but you have to ignore your mum and toughen up and act . Mums can be wonderful with advice but they often come with the perspective of a different era , one of ‘ don’t rock the marriage boat ‘ and tolerate as much as possible. I think you really need to cast that advice aside and for your own sanity and wellbeing take decisive action to show him this is not acceptable behaviour and it’s you or ‘ the friend’ . Being thrown out should help give him some time to think about it .
Op please be stronger and act ❤️

@Happyone8 I completely agree with your last comment