He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

Yup, he’s having an emotional affair, whether he realises he is, I don’t know but I guarantee the other woman knows exactly what she’s doing. You can either leave him to it and see what happens, like your mother advised, just know that you can never fully prepare for the gut ache you receive when your partner crosses that line. The other option is to change tact, meet for lunch and engage with the woman. Play smart, act friendly, be a little tactile with your other half in front of her( hold his hand, using affectionate terms in conversation) see what reaction you get.
Act like you’re enjoying the day , end the day swapping numbers or adding each other to Facebook.. total screw with her. She won’t know what is going on and you will have taken a little control. Become faux friends.. you catch more flies with honey... I personally would take the second option, but I’m shaped by my own experience and ‘if only’ moments. Do what you feel is right for you,BUT do not beg for his attention or ask him to choose again. He is fully aware of how you feel, and his responses speaks volumes.

I think Happyone8 is right. He needs to realise what he is losing. This is only heading one way if you let this continue. It may head that way anyway but at this point you need to establish those boundaries. My mum would probably give me similar advice. It’s probably a generational thing but it is giving him all the cards to play and the decisions to make.
On another note, how dare she say that about you not allowing the friendship. There are so many boundaries crossed there. She is feeling pretty confident at this point! It’s really awful behaviour especially as she knows you have a child together. His reaction should be anger too.
I really hope things work out for you. Honestly, reading this thread has made me feel quite angry on your behalf.

@supportivemyarse

oh the 'friend' really is a trier. 'disappointing' my arse, she's fishing for someone she fancied when she was younger and doing a good job of reeling him in. rather than take DH's message as a cue to apologise for crossing a line she's tried to use it to drive a wedge, wifey is a meany we're just having fun and she's spoiling it boo hoo.

You could always take the direct route, message her to ask why she's flirting with a random man from her past who has a wife and child, and what she's hoping to achieve. There's every chance you'll scare the life out of her. But I sort of agree with your mum, your DH will do what he's going to do or not and you can't control that.

spending ££££ on counselling isn't going to back her off or make your DH change his attitude. If you are determined to keep him, honestly your best route isn't rows focused on this woman, just fuck his brains out, fuck him till his legs go out from under him and he passes out, make his favourite food, be funny and laugh at his jokes, all that stuff. Make her irrelevant. Men are simple creatures and you can wipe the floor with her attempt to muscle into your life but you won't do it by telling him off, that will just annoy and push him away. This woman is happy to put you in the role of killjoy wifey and her as fun friend, don't let her. do the opposite. And I say this as someone who would kick my DH out if he behaved like this with some random.

Spot on

I would disagree with the advice to put on a show in front of her, fuck his brains out to outdo her etc. Sod all that game playing.

He has massively crossed a line and showed zero fucking respect for you, your feelings and your marriage.

He should be utterly horrified that his actions have made you feel this way..instead he couldn't give a shit it would seem.

Is he with you trying to repair things? Talking things through? Finding the best way back?

No, he's crying on her shoulder and doing god knows what else.

Take back some control OP

"Break from talking to her to focus on me" and " are you gonna throw it all away because of this" are the two bits that made my skin crawl. He has no respect for you and I would do one of two things : go to that dinner, meet her and make it VERY clear to her I am on to her and I will not tolerate it, or simply tell him he has to choose, this "friendship" or me. He seems way too invested in it and in my experience a bad gut instinct is always right, specially since you mention you have no problem with his other female friends. He is gaslighting you.I am so sorry, OP.

I didn't advise putting on a show for her. I definitely wouldn't meet her or 'friend' her on social media. I advised making her insignificant. Right now this woman is front and centre for this couple but she needn't be, it may still be in the OP's power to control just about, the DH married her after all that counts for something. And fucking our DHs brains out is supposed be great fun, its not a chore or putting on a show. We don't hang up our spurs the moment we get a ring on, but marriage takes work and that work takes many forms. OP wants to stay with this specimen so she can work angry or she can work smart. Angry isn't working out all that well for her so far.

I'm getting on a bit and have encountered women like this, they come across as confident and fun but were all massively insecure people. The OP can swat her like a fly but she's unlikely to do that by arguing with her DH, making demands and giving him ultimatums.

He has shown a massive lack of respect though, all that 'more than friends' bollocks would have my DHs bags packed for sure.

@supportivemyarse I get where you’re coming from but I don’t know how any self respecting woman can get in the mood to fuck the brains out of someone who has totally disrespected you. I see this as very close to cheating and no way would I jump the bones of someone that had cheated on me. Isn’t this doing the pick me dance? He married the OP, he should be committed to her whether or not some attention seeking trollop comes along. She shouldn’t have to pull out all the stops and make his marriage Disneyland just to get a bit of respect and loyalty from him.

@Disillusioned4now I hear you. I feel the same but the OP has said she want's to keep him so 🤷‍♀️.

One way of looking at it is if the OP doesn't want to shag the dude why bother staying with him at all, may as well call time on it. or keep accusing and bollocking him till he leaves anyway (claiming its all his DW's fault of course, weak characters like this DH never take ownership of their actions).

I find the 'pick me dance' a bit problematic here, because the DH is behaving like an arsehole but he hasn't chosen this woman over his DW, yet. He's chosen to ignore his DW's feelings and opinion but that could have less to do with his feelings for this 'friend' and be more of a stubborn reaction to getting it in the neck for his behaviour. My DH can be a bit like this, spectacularly stubborn, especially when he knows he's really out of order.

@supportivemyarse They're clearly not married by all of OP's posts. He's her boyfriend or partner. Also, fucking a man's brains out does not always work. There are many examples of women thinking they are giving him so much sex, yet it's about the thrill, not just the sex. I've lost count the number of times I've read and heard first account details by celebs (such as Brandi Glanville whose husband was cheating on her with at least TWO other women at the same time, AND Brandi and him were having sex at least twice a day) and real life friends and acquaintances who thought they'd 'exhaust him through sex'. It doesn't work like that and doesn't usually work. You'd think it would work, I know, but nope, men are strange creatures. If they are curious and tempted, and that is part of the 'thrill' and arousal of it all, they'll get it up even if they've had it 5 times in a day with their wife. The man also tends to feel smothered by you. Unfortunately it backfires all the time, or at least all the (many, many) times I'm aware of.

sometimes it works, sometimes not. depends on the people involved. there's no 'right' way of dealing with this sort of stuff. just like not all relationships work, not all are doomed to fail.

men are basic creatures. FTFY

[quote Disillusioned4now]@supportivemyarse I get where you’re coming from but I don’t know how any self respecting woman can get in the mood to fuck the brains out of someone who has totally disrespected you. I see this as very close to cheating and no way would I jump the bones of someone that had cheated on me. Isn’t this doing the pick me dance? He married the OP, he should be committed to her whether or not some attention seeking trollop comes along. She shouldn’t have to pull out all the stops and make his marriage Disneyland just to get a bit of respect and loyalty from him.[/quote]
This ^ . Why should op have to win him over . It’s not a bloody competition, he’s in a relationship with op .
I read somewhere a cockerel can become exhausted mating with one hen , when a new hen is introduced he is ready to go again. Lots of great sex isn’t going to stop him straying . Having the strength to show you won’t accept the behaviour is the only thing to do I’m afraid . It may feel counter productive to kick him out etc but it will make him feel the loss of the relationship with op and this can often jolt cheaters and potential cheaters to stop what they are doing .
Op putting up with this and hoping it will fizzle out is playing nicely into his hands , he can do what he likes now , he’s living the dream !

I think its actually ok to tell him that you are not comfortable with this friendship and he has to choose before you make the choice for him.
You know we have our instincts for a reason. You have never had your spidey senses going off with other female friends, but this one you do. Tell him hes fucking with you and youre not impressed

@Cokie3 I've no idea who Brandi Granville is but if they're a celebrity, I think its a mistake to use celebrity relationships as a barometer for anything.

I don't get the chickens reference. A friend has tens of thousands of chickens and they are constantly having random sex with whichever chicken is nearest, its quite dizzing to watch. Female chickens wouldn't have a relationship board, they don't expect a phone call afterwards. But that's chickens, humans don't do that outside of stuff like dogging or porn AFAIK.

@supportivemyarse it’s an analogy

@supportivemyarse

oh the 'friend' really is a trier. 'disappointing' my arse, she's fishing for someone she fancied when she was younger and doing a good job of reeling him in. rather than take DH's message as a cue to apologise for crossing a line she's tried to use it to drive a wedge, wifey is a meany we're just having fun and she's spoiling it boo hoo.

You could always take the direct route, message her to ask why she's flirting with a random man from her past who has a wife and child, and what she's hoping to achieve. There's every chance you'll scare the life out of her. But I sort of agree with your mum, your DH will do what he's going to do or not and you can't control that.

spending ££££ on counselling isn't going to back her off or make your DH change his attitude. If you are determined to keep him, honestly your best route isn't rows focused on this woman, just fuck his brains out, fuck him till his legs go out from under him and he passes out, make his favourite food, be funny and laugh at his jokes, all that stuff. Make her irrelevant. Men are simple creatures and you can wipe the floor with her attempt to muscle into your life but you won't do it by telling him off, that will just annoy and push him away. This woman is happy to put you in the role of killjoy wifey and her as fun friend, don't let her. do the opposite. And I say this as someone who would kick my DH out if he behaved like this with some random.

So he gets to treat the mother of his child in a disrespectful way and trample all over her boundaries in his eagerness to make his 'friend' feel so special and wonderful and worthy of being a wife; shoot down any suggestion that he should take any responsibility for fixing the damage he has done to their relationship, such as dialling back the messaging / cutting the 'friend' out or going to couples counselling to explore why his ego is so fragile and he such little respect for his partner that he would behave the way he has; rope his mother into his gaslighting of his partner to make her feel the unreasonable one...and the consequences for that should be sex on tap and the OP laughing at all his jokes???

Some women set the bar for themselves so low the World Limbo Champion wouldn't be able to get under it.

Some women set the bar for themselves so low the World Limbo Champion wouldn't be able to get under it.

Lol 👏

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_ifBbGbZ4K55RD?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

He should read this

@Happyone8 yeah but the OP isn't a chicken.

@TitOfTheIceberg if you'd bothered to read my posts on this thread, you'd see I would not find the behaviour of this DH acceptable at all, quite the opposite. Mine would get his marching orders. But the OP wants to stay with the dude, she's setting her bar low (low hanging fruit I think I said) so OK, ideas on how to deal. Kicking him out till he sees sense is one way, but real life isn't always tidy like that, partners don't always bend to our will and long term relationships take work, compromise, sometimes getting our hands dirty and doing the opposite of what's expected.

This woman is a nuisance and now subtly painting the OP in the role of killjoy but the OP needn't fall into step with that, she doesn't even know this woman. The DH getting his cake and eating it well he is anyway, the OP may confound him if she leans into it. Some men are so pathetic for being centre of attention they get their noses pushed out when a baby arrives, this one may be one of those who is enjoying the ego boost, or he may be refusing to end the 'friendship' out of sheer stubbornness, he may be a dozen things we don't know, we don't know the OP or her daft man.

@supportivemyarse I was talking about the ops partner , don’t worry , don’t think you quite get it move on

She messaged him all “so what she wont let you be friends with me, that’s disappointing” when i havent actually said that

That is a sneaky tactic to get him on her side and paint you as unreasonable.

Ugh OP sorry you are having to deal with this. He's not respecting you and he's definitely not putting you first. If he can't see the issue with this behaviour then he never will.

No one here can really give advice on this because it is all about you and what you are happy to accept in a relationship. How we let others treat us often reflects back our self esteem and opinion of ourselves. But I do think it's a great idea that you are seeing a counsellor/ psychologist to talk things through.