He’s talking to “an old friend” and i cant deal

[AnonymousMama1]

I have nobody to talk to about this and im probably going to sound like a terrible person but I can’t help feeling the way i feel.

So my partner of almost 4 years (we have a young son together) has “reconnected” with a female friend that he hasnt spoken to in maybe 9-10 years. She is single with 1 kid.

They spent 2 days constantly messaging between fb messenger and snapchat and he told me that he spoke to her for about an hour the other day when he was out walking the dog (but i looked at his call logs and it was more like 2 hours). Now usually im not bothered by him talking to other women but there is something that makes me uneasy about this.
I have spoken to him about how i feel and he says he understands but thinks im being unreasonable. He says i dont trust him and no matter how many times i say i trust him but i dont know her, whats shes like or her intentions he brings it back that i dont trust him.
He says he has told her about me and “how serious we are” and that if she tried anything he would reject her.

I know they “miss talking to each other” within a short time of not messaging and i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture and he replied with love u too and a tongue poking out face. And he has told me that they send each other hearts in messages.

He told me that he has said to her that we had a big fight and that he wouldn’t talk to her for a few days and “she understands and can talk to her anytime, shes not going anywhere”.

Im just so uneasy about it all and the more i try to think about it all makes me feel worse and its driving me crazy. Ive tried to push it aside but in my mind i just cant make myself feel ok with everything and it doesnt matter what he says.

For the last 3 days we have barely spoken and i have been feeling physically sick due to this. Im talking nausea and alternating between diahorrea and constipation (tmi i know, sorry) i have also barely eaten.

How would you feel about this if you were in my place?
And please dont be too hard on me, im in a really dark place right now and feeling extra sensitive.
Thanks for listening.

Where exactly is she suggesting you go for dinner? Assuming you're in the uk that's the new "we really should get together". Means fuck all.

Tell him that you're not happy with him spending hours on the phone talking to her and hours on the phone texting her and the fact that he appears to be pining for her says it all.

Point out your child you've got sat there and suggest he grows up and parents his baby and takes into account your boundaries and the feelings.

If he insists on constantly texting a woman who has had nothing to do with the past 10 years with hearts and "love u" and keeps talking about "how serious you are" (is he 12?) then he can do it elsewhere.

Nope I wouldn't be having that. If this was my dp he would be gone out life. Sending love hearts and "love u", what are they 12. I don't do that with my female friends never mind male friends.

YOU are not ruining anything, he is putting a relationship with a woman he hasn't spoken to in 10 years, over his relationship with his partner and child's mother.

Invite her round. Make yourself known to her. And ask why all this texting. Call them out

"Invite her round"

Uh huh - pandemic?

Invite her round and soon she'll be his official "bubble". What rubbish advice 😂

On another note, why does he keep telling her how serious you are. Isn't that obvious because you are together and have a child together? Or is he just telling you that to make you feel better?

We are in Australia. Apparently she suggested dinner.
The love you was on an old fb post i saw when i searched her name.
The hearts are now though.
He just makes out like id be the bad person if i told him not to talk to her, and if i said not as much he says its only coz theyre catching up again.
Ive told him that shes a single woman who messages him whenever she has free time (when shes not working apparently) and that if they keep talking so much then one of them is bound to get feelings for the other. He just keeps saying he will tell her hes not interested but who is to say that he wont be the one with the feels simply after spending so much time with her

The fact that he can see how distressed you are by this situation should be more than enough for him to either curb the contact with her or at least be completely honest with you. It sounds like he's only giving you half the story and that half is what suits him; so he can continue contact with his friend in front of you at any time and yet not sharing the conversation with you. In his mind, by telling you about her means that he's being honest with you so he can absolve himself of any guilt. I'm sorry, but he sounds manipulative and narcissistic. Furthermore, why is she saying "she's not going anywhere"?? If I knew that I was causing a rift in someone's relationship and causing so much emotional distress, I would distance myself immediately! Unless I had ulterior motives? This b*h needs to F-off!!

It's not a matter of trusting her OP. She is irrelevant when it comes to your trust. It's him you need to trust and he is proving already that you can't. No matter what manipulative shit he comes out with.

@AnyFucker

He's having an emotional affair in plain sight

The "openness and honesty: is pure manipulation designed to make you feel like you are being unreasonable.

This. He doesnt give a shit how you feel.

This isn’t right. He hasn’t seen her for10 years and suddenly she’s this important to him

Sorry you are struggling so much.

It sounds like you are now at a point where you are hyper-sensitive about the whole situation. You have become so worked up about it that the smalles thing to do with this woman will set you off.

That's not a healthy place for your relationship to be in, lovely - not for you and not for your partner either :(

I would suggest that right now, you try and get some headspace. Step away from it. You can't address the problem whilst you are in this much emotional distress.

Then you need to come back and ask yourself why you reacted this way. It sounds like you have some deep rooted insecurities and for whatever reason you are not able to trust your partner. His behaviour in my opinion hasn't been unreasonable. The only thing I can see in what you're saying that was a bit rude was that he was messaging whilst spending time with you, but my partner does that sometimes too and so do I - we are all glued to our phones these days.

It sounds like he's tried to reassure you and has even cut contact with her for a few days and said you had an argument. Recognise what he is doing to try and help you. However this is an old friend of his and he has a right to talk to her - wouldn't you want to talk to an old friend of yours who got back in contact after all that time? I would.

I do feel like on balance of what you are saying, this stems from your insecurities and not that your partner is doing anything wrong. That's not blaming you - it's just one of those things - and we all feel it sometimes! It's natural to feel jealous, envious, protective of our partner etc. But not when those feelings start to get in the way of having healthy relationships.

Like I said, I think it would be a good idea to take a step back, get some headspace - do something you enjoy outside of your relationship and try to refresh yourself. Then come back to it and look at the situation again when you're a bit less caught up in all these emotions.

I hope you find a way - these things are so difficult to work through!

and that if they keep talking so much then one of them is bound to get feelings for the other. He just keeps saying he will tell her hes not interested

Sounds like that's what he is hoping for to be honest. Nice big ego stroke for him, having you so upset and another woman constantly messaging him and flattering him.

What AF wrote re emotional affair.

She owes you nothing and besides which she is irrelevant when it comes to your trust. Your man is showing you in plain sight that he cannot be trusted.

i can see when i search her on fb that she once posted “love u” to him on a msg telling him how handsome he looked in a picture

I think it's a bad sign that you are feeling so insecure that you are searching through all of these old facebook posts - that's not normal behaviour.

Aren't you questioning your own reactions here? Was that a rational thing to do? What spurred on that frenzy of searching? Was it his actual behaviour, or your own doubts and insecurities that you are now feeding into?

If you have such massive insecurities then nothing he can say or do will be able to reassure you at this point, because you are now telling yourself a story about this woman and you are looking for evidence that it is true.

I'm not saying it is or isn't, but I think your frame of mind right now is not going to help you sort out this situation, and he is going to stand no chance when you are feeling so insecure because in your head, any little thing you see is going to mean that he loves her.

if they keep talking so much then one of them is bound to get feelings for the other

Well if you think two people of the opposite sex communicating is BOUND to lead to feelings then of course you're uncomfortable, but you're also wrong.

OP your post could have described me a few years ago - I was your DH in this scenario. Reconnected by chance with someone - a man! - I'd fallen out of touch with at university. We were fairly close friends and in our time apart had both separately discovered a new interest in a shared hobby. We had a hell of a lot to catch up on and did so with very long emails and messages. I told DP about him quite excitedly because an old friend coming back into your life is a GOOD THING. I told him about DP too and he also suggested going for dinner. We did so. We are now all friends. He has a lovely partner too now, though has moved elsewhere in the country, which annoys me as I miss seeing them both more!

That's it. No drama. No jealousy. No insane "I should be the only one" feelings. Just normal people who accept that their partners have multiple important people in their lives.

Your DP has been open with you and entirely reasonable as to why he's writing long messages. You say he sends heart emojis to male and female friends. This new friend wants to meet you. Lower your hackles and see her as a potential new friend for you as well.

(Heart emojis have never been my style but when my friend was single and changed his FB photo to one where he looked more sultry than usual I certainly pointed it out jokingly.)

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

and that if they keep talking so much then one of them is bound to get feelings for the other. He just keeps saying he will tell her hes not interested

Sounds like that's what he is hoping for to be honest. Nice big ego stroke for him, having you so upset and another woman constantly messaging him and flattering him.

What in the OP's posts actually implies this?

I can't see much tbh. It sounds to me like he has got in touch with an old friend and is enjoying reconnecting. He has a very insecure girlfriend who he does seem to be trying to reassure. OP said that she hasn't actually asked them to cut contact.

I do think people on this thread are making a lot of assumptions about this man. But then this is man-hating MN after all!

I think your instincts are spot on. There's nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends but this relationship is crossing boundaries in an unacceptable way. I have male friends I love loads (in a non sexual way) but I'd never tell them out of respect for their and my own partners, I'd never want anything to be misconstrued. These messages are not what you would send friends usually, I never comment on how my female friends look or tell them I love them (unless they're going through a hard time obvs).

You can hold a torch for someone after many years and you don't know her intentions. The constant messaging, nature of the messages and his defensiveness/behaviour when asked about it are all pretty big flags I'm afraid. I mean think about how you would react if your partner mistakenly thought you had feelings for someone else. Would you start a row and ignore them for 3 days? Probably not, you'd engage in trying to sort out the misunderstanding. Sounds like he's feeling guilty and trying to deflect.

I'm not sure what you should do. At some point he's going to have to sit and talk to you about it. He should probably have no contact with her moving forward. Even if it is innocent, a friendship that causes this much trouble in your relationship can't be worth it. I think this is going to have to come from him though. If he won't stop communicating with her, you'll have to decide whether that's a deal breaker for you xx

Wow op I would 100 percent not be ok with this . It sounds like this could be or could be the start of an emotional affair . The fact that he will message her when you two are watching a show says a lot about what he thinks about her and I honestly think it's more than just friendship .100 percent she fancies him and he knows it this is why he's trying to guilt trip you in to thinking you are being controlling by him talking to her . Does he spend two hours on the phone to you when he walking the dog ? I would end this right now op . Nothing good is going to come of this

"I do think people on this thread are making a lot of assumptions about this man. But then this is man-hating MN after all!"

What are you talking about? I don't hate men - I have, however, been in the position of the "old friend" and believe me, it didn't take long for the hearts and the long chats to turn into him declaring that he "can't stop thinking about me" and "admiring me so much" etc etc.

Seriously, he got carried away and then got upset and offended when I cut it off. I thought we'd been just having a good old trip down memory lane. Had I been single I may have been flattered, who knows.

Started using things against me that I'd said and twisting my words - but you said it was like we'd never been away, but you said it was the best thing to happen all year us reconnecting.

He needed to grow up and so does your boyfriend.

I mean think about how you would react if your partner mistakenly thought you had feelings for someone else. Would you start a row and ignore them for 3 days? Probably not, you'd engage in trying to sort out the misunderstanding.

I think we are interpreting the OP's posts differently. OP said they have barely spoken for 3 days - she didn't say who instigated that. From what I am reading, he is engaging in trying to sort out the misunderstanding. He briefly stopped talking to this other friend because of it.

From what I'm reading he actually is trying to put OP first, but he also wants to reconnect with this woman and he has said he doesn't have feelings for her. If OP is secure in herself and her relationship then that should be enough for her - but for some reason, it isn't. Why is that?

Perhaps he does have feelings for this woman - we can't discount that because we don't know him so we can only go on his word - but perhaps OP has some issues with insecurity - or perhaps both. I just think people are making a lot of assumptions here about this guy.

I have a male best friend that I’ve known since we were kids and we do say I love you and send emojis; it’s totally platonic and we’re as close as family in all honesty. I also write I love you and send emojis to my actual brother too so all that doesn’t seem too bad to me. We message and speak to each other regularly but not for hours and I spend time with his partner and child separately too; taking kids on day trips etc. However the fact that he’s only recently reconnected with this person and their relationship has progressed to such an intense degree so quickly. It does raise some red flags for me. I think the fact that it really bothers you speaks loads. Trust your gut. IMO he’s having an emotional affair and needs to cut ties with this woman. Xx

For me I think the fact of the matter is him talking to her is making you feel uneasy and since you are his partner and have a child it shouldn’t be a issue. He should respect you enough to end talking to her.

He seems very invested in this woman and messaging her to the detriment of your relationship. If you’re not happy about it then end it

If I'd started doing something that I then discovered made my husband feel sick, I'd be mortified, and stop it instantly! Not make endless attempts to make him accept my new whim.

He's out of order. Why is he prioritising keeping contact with this woman when he knows it's upsetting his partner? Simple answer is that likes talking to her more than he likes you being happy. That should be a deal breaker.