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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

230 replies

Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:24

Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

OP posts:
ruple · 02/01/2021 17:26

Please don’t move in with him. I speak from bitter experience!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2021 17:28

Don't even think about marrying him, and I sincerely hope all of your money is in an account he can't access. Only you can decide how much of this you are willing to put up with, and until he grows up and deals with his debt, it will only get worse.

dementedpixie · 02/01/2021 17:28

Sounds like a recipe for disaster really. It all sounds like a dealbreaker to me and you would never be out of debt

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/01/2021 17:29

I would reconsider moving in together. Move into the house yourself or stay with your mum for a while if you can.

MossandRoy · 02/01/2021 17:30

Not a keeper. Move on.

Darkbloom · 02/01/2021 17:30

What did he spend all that money on?

Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:30

My mums house is too small. I have a sister in school. My mum is a nurse doing stupid shifts and my baby wakes her up at night.

I don’t have enough credit or get anyone to accept me alone unfortunately

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 02/01/2021 17:31

Get rid asap.

Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:31

I know I have to but I can’t leave him. I can’t be a single parent. I’m not there yet with her. I struggle on my own. And to go through a breakup with her I don’t think I can ... I want us to fix this but I don’t know how to make him see the issue

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 02/01/2021 17:32

Don’t move in.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2021 17:32

@Snowtimex7

My mums house is too small. I have a sister in school. My mum is a nurse doing stupid shifts and my baby wakes her up at night.

I don’t have enough credit or get anyone to accept me alone unfortunately

Well what would you do if he left? Because you need to not live with him.
Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:32

@Darkbloom literally rubbish. Some things for baby, food, bills here and there. Amazon. Nothing of interest. He showed me the statements. Nothing we actually needed

OP posts:
Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:33

I would have no choice but to remain in my mums house

OP posts:
EwwwwDavid · 02/01/2021 17:35

This could be me, 16 years ago.

My parents helped us buy a flat but things didn't improve. In fact, if I remember correctly the first mortgage payment got declined as we had insufficient funds as he'd spent his whole wage in a matter of days 🙄

Honestly leaving him was the best thing I ever did.

But hugs though, it's not easy Thanks

dementedpixie · 02/01/2021 17:35

But you're just letting him drag you down into debt. How is that good for you or your baby? He needs to change off his own bat because he wants to but I imagine he doesn't really want to change his ways

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 17:35

Do not move in with him.
However bad life seems now, the potential for misery when you move in with him is great.

You have a life of debt ahead of you, if you don't get a grip and take responsibility for yourself.

You chose to have this child.

He is a lazy waster.
You move in with him and you will carry all the stress and worry with 2 children.

Stay where you are and get your life together.
You child needs at least one decent responsible parent.
Flowers

BornIn78 · 02/01/2021 17:37

I don’t get it - you are two adults with a baby and neither of you working.

Why are you surprised there is a credit card bill?

Why is your savings put away safely but his are used for the cost of living?

Where did you think the money for you all to live was coming from if neither of you are working?

nosswith · 02/01/2021 17:37

I don't know your mum but I expect she would prefer you being at her house and the disturbance than for the pain you will have by moving in with your DP who at best cannot manage money.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/01/2021 17:37

That is scary, this could or already is affecting your credit score. It would be worth contacting your Health Visitor, I'm sure they'll be able to signpost you to relevant help.

SueDeNimm · 02/01/2021 17:38

Absolutely do not move in and be very grateful the debt is in his name (hopefully). He's obviously got a problem with money and could be gambling etc. And not working would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Stay at your mums and get him to move out - and get the property deal cancelled. Heartbreaking but poverty is no joke. It is absolutely worth prioritising money over this relationship, especially now there a baby involved.

Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:42

@BornIn78 we get dss which pays for living. I also get maternity money weekly from my job. He has done a few jobs which pay up to a grand. But as I said just a few. We have separate bank accounts. We split the money at the beginning.

OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 02/01/2021 17:42

Speaking your mum. She loves you as much as you love your baby.

She may be happy to support you but n9t that layabout.

You can't leave now. So when? It will never be easier than now. This is the least he will ever owe. You will be doing all bills as you won't trust him.

Sack him off and long term you will be happier. His attitude is appalling.

Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 17:43

All debt in his name. I have bad credit anyway from getting a card at 18 so trying to fix my own score

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 02/01/2021 17:44

@Snowtimex7

I know I have to but I can’t leave him. I can’t be a single parent. I’m not there yet with her. I struggle on my own. And to go through a breakup with her I don’t think I can ... I want us to fix this but I don’t know how to make him see the issue
You are a single parent already.

He is not part of the team. He is not supporting. He's doing the opposite - dragging you down.

The fact that you cannot even have a conversation about this indicates that it isn't fixable.

YOU WILL END UP BANKRUPT if you move in with him. DON'T DO IT.

Leave. Do NOT have any financial ties no matter what you do.

Put yourself on council waiting list?

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/01/2021 17:45

Have a look at what you’d be entitled to on your own, you may get housing benefit to help with housing costs. I’d not be doing anything in joint names - if you do decide to move in to this flat have the tenancy in your name only. I’d also have all household finances in your name - what is his plan for paying off the debt? If “it’s his to deal with” he needs to start dealing with it and being open with you about how he’s dealing with it. Delay him moving in with you until he’s got his finances under control.

You may not want to be a single parent, but you’re effectively the only adult in the relationship. You may not feel like you’re quite there yet with your baby, but you’ll get there much quicker without this millstone round your neck.