I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

The language being used by the OP is very worrying. She has refused all the advice because the expectation is that if she could use the right words her DP would wake up and everything would be ok. It wont be and your DP and you do not appear to have a handle on it.

My ex was a gambler and I know that if I had stayed with him he would have ruined me. My nerves couldnt take the Bill's bot being paid. But for him people that worked hard and had things were sheep. He fully expected to just wake up one day a wealthy man. It hasn't happen.

I left and worked full time. I then did a degree on top of my job and caring for DS. It wasnt easy but I did it all on my own. It's about thinking of the long game.

You both need jobs and see how it is in a year

It’s worrying that young women are still not being educated about what to expect from a partner.

If you are not going to leave him then you need to be the one to step up and sort out the debts and provide for your family. Stop making excuses!

I know you said he just shrugs you off when you try and talk to him about money, but what does he actually say? What does he say if you persist (i bet he accuses you of nagging). What self-employed business is he in? He really truly needs to get a proper job of ANY sort, just so there is money coming in, and to demonstrate to you and to himself that he is capable of working and supporting his family.

BTW, going to uni is not the only way to get qualifications. Local colleges provide courses as well. What about an apprenticeship? What sort of job do you have in mind?

Sorting out your partner is only part of the problem, lovely. You need to sort out yourself as well.

Hi OP,
I was once in a very similar situation to you. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this mess.

You cannot change him. No words or actions from you will change him. He could change himself, but I expect he won't want to make the effort. He is who he is.

You can go to uni at any time in your life - I went in my mid-late twenties, without having done any A' levels, entry as a 'mature' student. Why don't you make plans to go when your child has been in school full time for a couple of years? Maybe do some part-time or informal study in the meantime to keep up your study skills.