I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

OP I hear you. I have a similarly financially irresponsible husband and it can be very worrying and frustrating. More than that though, you will start to lose respect for him - and at that point your attraction towards him will die and then the relationship really is in trouble.

If you didn’t have a child, I would say walk away now. But you do, and I know it’s not that easy. I would give him an ultimatum and say unless he gets his act together you will leave. Insist on sitting down together and going through bank and credit card statements each month.

If it gets to the point that not only is he not contributing but you are having to provide for him, or he is getting in trouble with debt that he can’t repay, get the hell out! You would be better off on your own.

Can you tell the organisation or person that you are planning to rent from soon, that it will be just you and the children, and it needs to be in your name only? Maybe you can still have the flat, with the aid of housing benefit, and make a home for yourself and DC without him. The fact that he told you that money issues were all for him to deal with as in - don't worry your little head about it - raised a few red flags. You are a grown woman - of course you can deal with your own money and for your children. Don't let him waste any more of your time and energy.

Right thank you to those with good advice. I am speaking with him. Setting up a plan. Any house stuff is going in his name. I am not ready to be a single mum. And I believe he can turn things around but that doesn’t mean I’m letting him off easy at all. Or letting him deal with money.

To the others. It was his car completely. His loan with a 0.5apr so he made the decision to carry it on. The money was split part into my savings for any event. The money is his. I haven’t touched it. Yes we bought a sofa. Spending everyday on an air bed in the front room in lockdown and with a baby we caved. Searched marketplace for months. Nothing that would last or bad pets. Partner severely allergic to pets as well as Covid in area increasing so we made a decision to get our own sofa. At this time I wasn’t aware of the debt.

I might come to regret my decision but I know my family will help me come back if need be. My family is at breaking point with no sleep. Thank you for everyone for your advice, I really won’t forget it

I’ve come clean about the misery I have been through. He has to sort this or I’m out. It’s got to the point now

I think you have 4 options
Move in together and try and keep finances as separate as possible and work your arde off to warn as much money as possible for yourself and let him deal with his own money
Split up
Stay together but live separately
Refuse to live together until he sorts his finances out, gets a proper job and gives you control of his money, so you pay all the bills and savings and give him a bit of spending money each week in cash.

I think there are two issues here - 1. He is bad at spending money and 2. He is bad at bothering to earn money. Not a good combination

He’s almost 30 and he has absolutely nothing except debt
He will just drag you down with him

In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from years ago

Somehow I thought you'd say that ... how convenient for him when it comes to you requesting child maintenance

With the mention of Uni it's not clear if you're still working (?) but if not I'd start again asap while staying with your mum to build up some money - because you're unlikely to get any from him

@Snowtimex7

I would have no choice but to remain in my mums house

I wonder if it's still the best thing if there's a risk that he won't change his behaviour, do nothing but increase the debt and maybe discover there's that there's still more to be uncovered that you don't know about.

Why isn’t he working? Useless! Why on earth would you move in with him? He won’t change, he sounds lazy, feckless and financially clueless. People like this don’t change.

@QforCucumber

Why did you keep the money when you sold the car? Surely that money should have cleared the loan rather than been sat in an account for him to fritter away. Especially when he was already out of work.

Precisely.

I think both the OP and her Dh are unrealistic when it comes to money. They buy things they can’t afford , expensive cars, sofas, or things if they
“Like them”.

OP if you stay together you both need to acknowledge that you have problems with living within your means. You say you want to go back to university in the autumn. How are you going to pay your fees, will you be eligible for further student loans, will the loans be enough to live on. How will you afford childcare.

Both of you need to be honest about money, acknowledge your problems and get advice. If you can’t or won’t then you would be better cutting your losses and moving out.

So you sold the car and instead of paying off the loan for it, you split the money and kept it? So it didnt save you much money. You're still paying off the car loan, and now you dont even have all the money from the sale. If this is the standard of your joint financial decisions then you shouldnt make anymore.

You need to go your separate ways.

OP I completely understand why you needed a sofabed but if I got the cost right, it's about three times as much as needed.

I mention because it sounds as if you are also overspending. I know takeaways have become normal but with two of you not working, there's time to cook and it will save masses of money. I'm guessing food expenditure comes out of your money too?

What worries me is what happens when you literally can't pay rent. It seems better to get out of that situation if he will just get in debt and look to you for all costs.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

So you sold the car and instead of paying off the loan for it, you split the money and kept it? So it didnt save you much money. You're still paying off the car loan, and now you dont even have all the money from the sale. If this is the standard of your joint financial decisions then you shouldnt make anymore.

You need to go your separate ways.

Yes, this makes no sense. The car could be paid off even in part and you say your partner turned down work?

[quote Snowtimex7]@MrsGrindah he has spent all of his side. It was for paying the loan monthly. He took £6k. It’s all gone. I took £5k but then bought a sofa we agreed on as ours fell through. So we have £3.8k left[/quote]
Return the sofa if you can. Spending £1200 on a sofa she you have no income is madness. Get a second hand one from a BHF furniture shop or similar - they have lovely things and you can easily get a perfectly good sofa for £200.

Good luck, I sincerely hope he realises how lucky he is and works his arse off for your new family. Everyone messes up and deserves a second chance but be careful not to make it 3,4,5 chances xx

I still don’t understand what you mean about dss?

@Blondieg thank you!

Don't move in with him and don't even consider marrying him.

Run.

You can't fix this because it's not yours to fix. It's nothing you have done.

Speak to your Mam. She will tell you the same.

Agree its not a wise to move in with him.

OP, he's 29. He's a man. And at 25 you are a grown-up woman with a child.

May I ask what you did between leaving school and having a baby please?

My mother was 23.5 when she had me having married a 31 year old man when she had to wear an empire line dress.

Between 16 and 23 she danced with the Royal Ballet, joined the Tiller girls and lived in Paris. She was the biggest ever disappointment to my grandparents but at least she lived!

You might not want to be a single parent but you can be dragged down by this bloke or turn it round on your own.

My DC are 26 and 22. They have licence. In your shoes they'd have had the wake up call to end wake up calls.

Thinking about it, DH was 27 when we met, 29 when we married. He refused to move into my house until he could pay half the outgoings and maintained a really shitty room in a shared house until then.

Please don’t get married or move in with this guy and I speak from experience. My situation was similar to your- move forwards 12 years and I have just got out of a horrendous divorce with over £40,000 of debt, most of which he kept hidden from me, the rest was from me ailing him out of missed bills and getting our weekly shop on the credit card as he would drain our bank account.
I paid off 50% of the debt and he reused to pay the rest and kept stalling the divorce, I had to go bankrupt just to draw a line under it all. It was horrendous.
Trust me - het out now before you have more ties and more kids to think about

How much did you spend on a sofa giving no one is working full time?

@MrsGrindah

I still don’t understand what you mean about dss?

She's referring to tax credits/universal credits, ie benefits, going by the context.

DSS means Department of Social Security and i assume refers to benefits