I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

I don't think people like this change unless they get help. The spending becomes an addiction. You won't have peace of mind living with him.

We have some good friends and have watched them spend beyond their means for years until they're in a total mess now. Every penny of an inheritance which should have seen them secure for life has gone.

If he doesn't recognise there's an issue, I wouldn't be hitching your wagon to him. It will give you sleepless nights

Well he needs to get a normal salaried job so he brings in some money and works regular hours and you need to be able to cope with the baby whilst he does that or he needs to stay at home with the baby and you need to work.

Why didn’t you pay off the car with the money you got for selling it? Why did you split the money not just pay the car off!come on you can’t blame that bit on him! the rest for sure, he seems useless. If I was you I’d move somewhere on my own I wouldn’t be letting him put me or my children in a bad situation.

Debt. Is awful been there done that learned by mistakes we both hate credit cards, we save for things, only credit is for say a bed over 12 months max and 0 per cent interest, please don’t move in he’ll use your name as well for further debt.

Oh OP. You have my deepest sympathy.

Having a baby is hard enough without this.

I’d contact StepChange debt charity and Christians Against Poverty (the latter won’t foist religion on you, they’re just very good re debt advice). StepChange can help check your repayments and get you on a debt plan. But, this is all presumably in your DP’s name.

I don’t know how it’ll be affected if he can’t pay the rent and the new flat is in your name too.

I’d speak to him - ask the full extent of his debts, tell him you insist he goes to a gambling addiction charity for help else you might leave by X date. Also tell your trusted friends/relatives in confidence- ask your Mum if you can stay with her if it all goes tits up. Make sure you have a few relatives who you can show proof too - make copies of some credit card bills etc, in case nobody believes it of him.

You can leave if you want to; nobody would blame you. You must do what you think is best for your daughter- you have every right to want a better life for her growing up than you had. Be strong. Good luck.

I hope he sorts it op and good luck at uni. Put you first too xx

You’ve got some tough decisions ahead of you. You can’t have it all. You’re not going to be able to move out of your mums and stay with your boyfriend and go to university all at once. Work out your priorities and work through them one at a time. It might take a while but it’ll be worth it.

Do not take on the tenancy with him. Then the responsibility for paying the rent will be in both your names and he sounds very likely to default leaving you to cover any debts. Stay at your Mums and tell him to move out. Good Luck.

I still want to go back to uni in summer.

Uni doesn’t start in summer, it starts in September or October. That gives you 8 or 9 months to earn as much money as possible so that you can support your family. You need to learn to provide for yourself and not rely on this waster to look after you.

He can co-parent and be your boyfriend without living with you.

You need to live separately and have separate finances.

Otherwise, he will destroy you.

Honestly you both seem a bit shit with money, when you sold the car you should have paid the money straight back to the bank, not keep it and buy things with it.

Multiple people have made this point since OP gave a perfectly good explanation of the plan. The money was going to be used to pay off the loan, over time, but in the meantime it would act as an emergency fund. For people with very strapped finances, this could have been very sensible. Unfortunately he deviated from the plan without telling her.

If he's not earning regularly, how is the rent to be paid? He'll fall behind with the payments as he's already forking out for a car that he can barely afford.
You really need to rethink this . If you don't have an actual bedroom at your mum's then technically you'd be homeless. Have you told the council this?

Goodness me it's not often you get to see someone throw their life clean in the shitter.

Sorry but you really are going to regret this decision later on down the line. You're both shit with money and he's especially shit with it. With a man like that in his 30s you'll never get to a point in life where you're comfortable and have enough money to get by comfortably.

Thank you for everyone for your advice

But you didn’t take any of it. You’ve just wasted the time of people who’ve given you good advice because you think you know better when you posted in the first place because of the mess you’re in.

You’re 25, not 16. You need to stand on your own two feet.

But DSS hasn’t been around for years? Are you in UK Op? Did you mean Universal Credit? The reason I’m asking is it depends what benefits you are on as to how easy it would be to split.

@VodselForDinner I never do understand why people like this come to Mumsnet asking for advice.

OP obviously thinks they know best and have a "handle" on the situation so why even bother asking for advice if you've absolutely no intentions of taking it.

Not one person on this thread has advised OP to move in with him, quite the opposite - and here they are moving in.

Surprised someone of 25 refers to the benefits system as the DSS?

I pretty sure you will move in from the tone of your post. It's possible he will grow up and take responsibility but for now you need a practical plan. Open up a separate account in your name only make sure the child benefit goes in there and that money is earmarked for your child. If he finds out tell him that's the reason why it's money for your child not his bills. Sit down and list all the bills you get and when they are expected to be paid make sure he knows the total amount of money that needs to stay in the account each month. Check the bills and whose name they are in if they are all in your name phone the companies and add him on or change the names over. Tell him any spare money left over is either for savings for a holiday or for you both to spend on what you want. He may have been brought up with no understanding of budgeting and money. Be firm.

Separate your finances, (if they’re not already), make sure you have a separate bank account. Move out as soon as possible.

@Tal45

Tell him you can't move in and have to live separately until he has cleared his debts and has steady work for a sustained amount of time. It sounds like he'd rather be living on benefits than providing for his child. I think you need to take a big step back x

^ THIS.

If it helps, you are not breaking up immediately; you are just "pausing" the relationship until it's in a better place. If he is truly worth keeping, he will sort out the debts - and frankly, that will be easier if he is single and living at home. You get the relief of knowing the bills get paid at your mum's and you don't have to worry about the bailiffs or an incandescent landlord asking for rent you do not have.

[quote StormcloakNord]@VodselForDinner I never do understand why people like this come to Mumsnet asking for advice.

OP obviously thinks they know best and have a "handle" on the situation so why even bother asking for advice if you've absolutely no intentions of taking it.

Not one person on this thread has advised OP to move in with him, quite the opposite - and here they are moving in. [/quote]
And all sorted out in the course of about 75 minutes!

I thought it was odd to use the term dss. Benefits haven’t been called that for 20 years.

Please please just leave him. It won't get better.

Cute enough. You split the £11k so that each of you had under the £6k savings allowed to receive full benefits.