I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

If it was his car and his loan, why are you in possession of half the money? (well, about a third actually post sofa). If he blew it all, that's his problem. If you split you really need to give him the remainder.. And I agree that you sound rather young with regard to 'caving in' and spending £1200 and with the 'I'm not ready to be a single parent'. Surprise yourself. You're living with family, your mum is a nurse, I'd hope she will help you and would rather that than see you linked to this guy. Live separately, have nothing joining you officially. Stay as a couple if you must but don't share an address. Uni may néed to wait.

I don't really get this, is it really surprising he has debts when neither of you have jobs? Lots of people have debt, it's fine as long as you're paying it off. I wouldn't move in with him unless he starts doing some proper, full time work.

Everyone is telling you to leave. You’ve asked and need to listen. It’s important. You are making excuses which are weak.

You need to grow up and do the right thing. Harsh but true. Inexcusable poverty is not fair for your child. You will be ruined.

@RandomLondoner thank you for understanding the plan!

@MadeForThis good point, that explains splitting up the money so they still they their benefits and the value of the car despite still having a loan on it...

All this thread has done is remind me how lucky I am not to be a total biff with money.

@MadeForThis no actually. We lived separately and I was worried about how to pay while on £100 a week as I didn’t qualify for benefits at first. He split the money with me because he wanted me to use it if I ever needed and to keep it safe. At first I thought it was a nice gesture. Now I see he didn’t trust himself with the money and that’s why he did it. He now moved into my family home and under the 3k. I have informed universal and they aren’t fussed over the 3.

So right he took a loan and he bought a car. Then you could not afford the car anymore and sold it. I would have thought the reasonable thing to do would have been to pay off most of the car loan with what you got from selling the car not divide the money. I mean when you say he has 11k in car loan then at least you should pay back what you have left in your account because trust me, you will end up spending it all.
The thing is he’s irresponsible and it’s a recipe for disaster but so are you when it comes to the way you’re handling the money you have in your possession by buying a sofa, etc and keeping money when he’s getting charged more interest on the loan.
You both need to set your priorities straight. You cannot move in with him otherwise you’ll end up in a much more deeper hole.
You need to pay the rest of the car money in your possession back to the car loan before you spend it all.
You need to look after yourself and your child and put yourselves first.

Who spends 1200 on a sofa at the best of times let alone when one is unemployed and one is on maternity leave?!

OP I'd get back to work asap. I went back at 12 weeks and still breastfeed my 15mo. The baby won't take a bottle of expressed from you most likely as they know it's you! You need to leave the house and get your partner to try bottles. You can't force him to get a job but you are in control of your own life and career. Plus it sounds like a good option if you're still unsure of looking after the baby. How is her father with her?

@MrsGrindah

Surprised someone of 25 refers to the benefits system as the DSS?

I'd imagine it's because she's been trawling through thousands of houses for rent with the tagline "No DSS" which they still say.

OP if neither of you are earning, unless you have enough money (at £3.8k, you don't) for a year of rent, you will quickly fall into rent arrears. Additionally, you will end up with a bad credit rating for being evicted, and it will be very hard for you to rent in the future. I would honestly set a time limit for DP getting a proper job (none of this ad hoc crap) to support his baby, I'd set that limit for before you're due to move, and if he can't stick with it, you need to think about co-parenting from separate homes. I don't know what uni course you're planning on doing, but the economy is in tatters right now and no one will be hiring unless you are doing very specific degrees that lead straight to a job such as nursing, pharmacy or accountancy, so deferral for another year may be your best plan while you get some money coming in. I speak on that as someone who graduated right after the 2008 credit crunch.

Easier to leave now than later ,later is always harder..or it never happens,i speak from experience

Mmmm

Again. I am on maternity pay. He does self employed jobs. We live with my parents which is less rent. We intend to move in together on universal credit until I go back working and he fully goes self employed. As my family is at breaking point. My 50 year old mum is on the emergency list for a full hysterectomy or chemo if they can’t get it done quick enough whilst working 12 hour shifts in a hospital. She needs sleep and my baby isn’t letting her sleep.

The problem was he is in debt and doesn’t seem to get it in gear to actually sort it out. I was hoping for some advice on how to talk to him not the insane judgment. I would never put myself in the position to be in debt. And I would never do anything that affects my child. I have chosen to follow some advice not every single point.

@Snowtimex7 - hi OP. I’m a qualified financial coach and I specialise in working with people with children. I would say there are 4 issues here.

1. Do you (and your partner) want to stay together? If you don’t, there isn’t any point in trying to sort his mess - better to cut your losses early.
2. is he willing to put some really hard graft in? Financial coaching could help your situation but only if he was willing to face his behaviour and the root causes
3. would you/he be open to debt management strategies if needed? I won’t put my details on here as it’s not appropriate, but if you would like help, you can message me

You split the £11k so that each of you had under the £6k savings allowed to receive full benefits. Ah you're right. He made out it was a nice gesture but he just wanted to ensure he got full benefits when he shouldn't have.

@WhatTiggersDoBest yes! Sorry for the dss thing. every add says dss and had to fill in forms about it so my wording just carried over! Universal credit as I’m still employed on maternity leave still

£1,200 on a sofa!!! That's incredible. You can get really good quality sofas and sofa-beds for

Oops - I put 4 issues - that was a typo!

Honestly save yourself the heartbreak and end it now

Why didnt he use the money from the car sale to pay off some/all of his car loan?

@MadeForThis

Cute enough. You split the £11k so that each of you had under the £6k savings allowed to receive full benefits.

Savvy.

But why not put that savvy towards earning and saving?

How does your mum feel having you around, must be a pain for everyone?

I also think a job is way more important than uni at the moment. Maybe not if you expect to be a doctor or something, but he needs to earn full time or more then.

I sound ancient but from 25 -32 I had either two jobs, or one job that paid extra if I worked a weekend day too.

I can't believe your partner has actually turned down work. Is he planning to live on UC permanently?

until I go back working and he fully goes self employed I don't understand why he isn't "fully self-employed" now? Why isn't he taking every job he can get his hands on as it sounds like he's been offered a fair few but can't be arsed. Be very very wary too as self-employed people have a horrendous reputation for getting out of paying child maintenance. I'd worry this is his thought too and reasoning behind becoming self-employed again.

Right the sofa issue. It was just over £1k. The other 200 was to replace something that I’m not even going to mention. Ours fell through. We sat on a sofa bed for 2 months. We looked on marketplace and people were selling sofas 4 years old for like £600. Any cheap had pets and my partner is badly allergic as well as the health scares we had when my child was born we decided not to risk it. We bought a new one in the Black Friday sale and it was delivered within 7 days. Can’t be returned. Won’t get our money back on marketplace. We have it. We use it. I wasn’t aware of the severe debt when I purchased. Cased closed

If you grew up in poverty in the late 90s/early 2000s, there would have been a lot more financial help than you will get now. Many safety nets have been removed.

You do not want this for your child. Do not move in with him, yes it’s not great for your mother but like most mothers she would prefer her child and grandchild to be living with her than with a waster who is ok with their child going to school tired after poor sleep due to hunger.

Ensure your name is not attached to his on any form of credit or housing. He will drag you down. Also break up with him before you end up with two kids. You will be better off single.

@WaterOffADucksCrack this is my issue! I don’t get why he isn’t! I was hoping for some advice to how to talk about that!

OP

Sorry, cross posted

"The problem was he is in debt and doesn’t seem to get it in gear to actually sort it out. I was hoping for some advice on how to talk to him not the insane judgment. "

The problem is, none of us have magic words that will make him get his arse in gear. I actually wonder if the best reality check would be for your parents to say that he specifically has to move out.