I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

I know I have to but I can’t leave him. I can’t be a single parent.

You already are a single parent. You have two children to look after. Looking after only one will be a lot easier.

I have been exclusively breastfeeding so trying to get baby onto milk but it’s proving difficult. Keeps refusing the bottle. Have no one to take care of her but a nursery and she’s been in lockdown completely so really not liking people. I still want to go back to uni in summer.

He’s sound like a layabout. He’s says the money is for him to deal with but earns minimal/fritters it away.

You were made redundant in March. Have you been able to find a job. I had a baby and lost my job in May. I had planned to take a years mat leave but unfortunately the pandemic has made a massive hole in my finances. I’ve found another job and went back to work when DS was 6 months old.

How does he propose he pays for his half of the rent, bills, food etc?

@Snowtimex7

Again all debt is in his name. He has it all. Nothing with me on it. I’m not stupid to take anything out for him.

He took the car out three years ago before we got together. It’s not a car loan it’s just a loan so he hasn’t ‘pocketed’ anything. He has been paying it back. Currently on a holiday break now but payments to resume shortly.

But the loan was for a car and you both agreed to sell the car and not pay off the loan. Why did you get half the money if he took out the loan in his name and bought the car before you met? You are both quite irresponsible by the sounds of it.

Look, this guy will end up ruining your life, and you are going to split anyway - so do it now, do not spend the first couple of years of your baby's life worrying and fighting about money until you finally walk.

If you move in with him, what will happen is that he spends the rent money, on shit, just as he frittered the split cash. You won't know until the bailiffs call, because it'll be 'his problem to sort'. Only it won't be, because you and your baby will also be the ones eventually evicted, once he's guilted you into paying the rent 'while he sorts things' until you too have no savings left.

DON'T DO IT.

Stay with your mum and tell him to find a room. That will be cheaper, yes, so fewer outgoings while he 'sorts' the issues, yes?

Never never never stay with a man who goes through money like water. Gambling, spending - these are the things that ruin lives, and ruin childrens' lives too.

Get out now.

Uni sounds a great plan.

You won't do it with him like a millstone round your neck though.

Stay with your mum. Ride out the next few months. Start uni and apply for childcare support. Live apart from him and see if he can sort his financial issues. Spoiler: he never ever will.

His anger and resentment towards you regarding money will only quietly intensify ...I promise you OP you cannot sort him its his issues and he knows full well how you feel and how much you need and value security and his actions prove he couldnt give a toss.He would have changed well before now ..he has shown you he isnt going to.You need to protect yourself or you will end up in a right mess.

@Porcupineintherough

You will leave him. You can either do it now or wait til he wrecks your mental health and credit rating but the end is written.

This. However hard it feels to dump him now, it will be 100 times worse if you move in with him.

Can you get on the council waiting list? It isn't a quick solution but something that may help if you have to go it alone.

Your daughter won't be waking up in the night forever and you can definitely do it alone. It will be really hard but it sounds like you have family to support you, even if that's just emotionally.

Can you stay with your Mum? Tell her about him
Don’t move in
His refusal to talk to you is a huge red flag

It will only get worse. Go it alone. Ul regret it in the long run and think I should have listened.

So the car was sold but the loan was still to be paid off and he's spent his half 🤷🏻‍♀️😧 It shldnt have got split if the loan was outstanding, should have paid that off and anything left to be split.

If he gets defensive and won't talk I suspect there is more debt U don't know about.

As for not working, no way wld I put up with that either. He sounds like a loser and possibly a sponger.

I would stay in only one circumstance, you control all the money and have full knowledge and access to his accounts to know what's going in and out. He can't be trusted. I doubt he wld agree anyway.

Find out what ur options are for uni, childcare, loans etc. You can also see what you would be entitled to in benefits. Martin Lewis website has links to calculators for this.

If this has any chance of working he needs to cut up his cards and throw them away, set up a repayment plan and live on a pre-agreed budget which I assume if he is not working will be virtually nothing. Explain that it is make or break for the relationship and you need to take control of the family spending for now until hje can evidence that he can live within his means.

You have to leave him

I'm not sure if I understood this correctly - did the sofa cost £1200?

And the car loan - you sold the car?

I'm sure your DM would much prefer you & DD live there at present than you continue your relationship.

He sounds like an idiot man child. Break the tendency now

@PinkTonic we agreed to sell the car to put the money in an account which the loan comes out of. Meaning if an emergency happens we have funds. He spent that without my knowing. Not my fault. I don’t look through his account.

Why did you keep the money when you sold the car? Surely that money should have cleared the loan rather than been sat in an account for him to fritter away. Especially when he was already out of work.

You need a reality check. How much is your income. How much are your outgoings. Don't make decisions that will get you deeper and deeper into debt

Personally, I don't understand why the £11k you/he got for selling the car didn't pay off the £11k loan for it nor why you bought an expensive sofa when you don't have much money or a place of your own so I would say that neither of you have made great choices. I'm also assuming he's expecting you to stump up the deposit and upfront rent, etc? Whilst he is registered as living with you at your mum's address he is linked financially to both of you. I would suggest it would be a good idea to cancel the rental place and ask him to move out of your mum's place whilst he sorts things out with the idea that if he doesn't sort things out then that's it permanently. You may find that if you are a single mum then you won't have to wait as long for a council or housing association place.

You're obviously going to stay with him and continue on this path so I'm not sure what the point of this post is. You've found reasons to reject any advice you've been given. Fast forward a few years, you won't have been able to finish uni, you'll probably have another baby and be in even more debt with this loser. Bleak.

@Snowtimex7 if you stay with him you’ll be posting more and more sad threads on here over the next 20 years. About your bankruptcy, how your child is suffering because you’re robbing Peter to pay Paul. Nobody can make you see that right now but he’s not going to change sadly. Good luck.

Lots of people here telling you to leave him, I know it's not as easy as that especially when you have a child so I wanted to tell you my success story. When I first met my husband he had thousands of debt, much more than you're talking about. I too fell pregnant (unplanned) and had the baby. My husband was similar with money in the beginning however I do believe people can change. My husband now has a job earning 4 or 5 times my wage. He's paid off all debt and we share accounts so I can see what he spends. He's completely different now and enjoys saving and spending money on our family.
He needs to want to make these changes and try bloody hard.

Speaking from bitter experience, it has taken me 15 years to dig myself out the financial hole my ex partner put me in.
It would appear that he's doing the exact same with his new partner so I wouldn't put too much credence on you being able to change his ways.
Honestly, the best thing I ever did was walk away.

Honestly you both seem a bit shit with money, when you sold the car you should have paid the money straight back to the bank, not keep it and buy things with it..

I'd encourage you both speak to step change or another debt financial company and enter into a payment plan, it'll result in a default but they only last six years and it'll stop him getting in further debt and then spend this time getting your finances in order.

@JustHereWithPopcorn thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad he turned it around!