Page 9 | I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

Respectabitch · 02/01/2021 21:08

People haven't given you advice on how to talk to him because as older, sadder and more experienced people than you, we can see clearly that there is absolutely no fucking point. He's lazy and profligate and he won't change and all the idea that you can "talk to him" will do is leave you years down the line, way deeper in the financial hole and clinging to the sinking ship that is him.

He isn't working, so you go back to work FT and he can take care of the baby. You probably can't afford to go to uni right now, consider studying PT on top of work instead when you are a bit more stable financially. Only you can save you, this bloke is going to be nothing but a millstone. It's time to saddle up and be an adult, because no one else is coming to bail you out.

Lozzerbmc · 02/01/2021 21:08

I think you’d be better off staying with your mum. Im sorry to hear of her health issues but despite this your mum wont want you and baby to move out. Babies do get easier.

Return to your job- i know you’ve said you feel they dont want you back but they are obliged by law to keep your job open. Return to work & work out childcare which i appreciate isnt easy. I was a single mum and returned when my DS was 6 months as i had a mortgage. Being a single mum isnt so bad. I just had him and me to worry about!

See if your dad can help you out. If DP can get a job and sort himself out then great but you cant rely on him.

Great if you can return to uni but you may need to defer to work instead, and revisit in future. Good luck you can do it. Wishing your mum well too

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/01/2021 21:10

You shouldn’t move in with him until he’s shown consistency with his job and clearing the debt but you won’t listen OP so good luck to ya

funksoulmother · 02/01/2021 21:12

When your receive UC payments will these be to you account? I hope so.
If your partner continues with self employment is he prepared to fully support you financially if you choose not to return to work? Will this mean you are no longer entitled to benefits and financially dependant on him?
Apologies for my ignorance on this - I’m not familiar with the UC earning thresholds etc.
I’m also quite shocked that a couple with £11k in liquid cash can even be entitled to benefits, but that’s for a different thread perhaps.

The sofa was expensive, and I hope you realise this was frivolous.
You are complaining about your partner spending his share of funds, but you have spent a large portion of your own share, set aside for emergencies, to buy a sofa?

You seem set on staying so I would advise that you use any remaining cash to reduce the credit card debt before the interest cripples him, and therefore you.

There seem to various excuses cropping up in your responses, if you don’t think that you can return to your existing job, start applying now or giving yourself a target date to find a new job (e.g. when DD is 10 months, or 12 months) and start looking for a good local childminder. If she won’t take the bottle, try cups.
At least put yourself in a position where you can move on if things are looking worse, in terms of his finances, in six months time.

Lemonpiano · 02/01/2021 21:17

www.hightownha.org.uk/care-and-support/scheme-search/mother-baby-service/

A mother and baby service like this one? Or a hostel? Something else?

Having a support worker to help you build a better foundation and break some of these patterns might not be such a bad thing for you.

That said, if what you've heard from other people about housing options is as reliable as what you've heard about employment and maternity, I'd be reassessing.

Anon1917 · 02/01/2021 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontMindMarmite · 02/01/2021 21:26

I'm sorry that you're feeling hate from the responses op. It's hard to hear hard hitting truth though. Sadly, many ladies on MN are speaking from bitter experience and if I were you, i'd heed their advice.

It is a red flapping flag that he's turning down work when he's so much in debt and the baby is freaking here. It's dire that you/he owes money for a car he doesn't even own anymore. I don't think you've got much of a chance of making the rent payments, the last thing you need is a CCJ against you too.

I predict that you are going to end up in charge of all the finances. He'll probably hand you over money to keep it from himself. Maybe you'll give him an allowance back. He'll do bits of work here and there, probably hide some income from you to fritter on his own wants. You'll always be saving and scrimping. He won't mind that it's unfair on you.

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 02/01/2021 21:28

@Anon1917

Hi. Expecting a lot of judgement but here goes.. Making no excuses but got involved with a married man after being married myself for 15 years. I have been found out and my marriage is over. I carried on seeing this married man, finding out that he has had at least one other affair (2 years like with me) and has been unfaithful at least 4 more times. He continues his marriage with his wife unaware, who regularly posts on social media about their brilliant life... I want to end the relationship with him but am finding this difficult, he’s very charming... I am feeling more and more bad about his wife. She is much younger than him and def deserves better. I know I have no future with him, but am fighting the urge to tell her about his infidelity. The main reason being so she can make an informed decision about her life (as I understand she is unaware of any affair but apparently has had suspicions in the past that he has been able to deny successfully). Also I know he’ll do it again and I don’t think he should get away with it. I know I’ve been a complete arsehole in my actions, but I really think he should be accountable to his actions?

You need to start your own thread with this post - perhaps in the relationships section. Otherwise you’ll derail the OP’s discussion on quite a different matter.

Anon1917 · 02/01/2021 21:35

Sorry my mess up. Ignore this. I will do. Not sure what I’m doing on here and how I managed to post on this thread. Is there a way to delete it? No intention to derail anyone else’s posts. Sorry.

MoreMorelos · 02/01/2021 21:37

@Anon1917 report it and ask to be deleted

MNHQ

RivkaMumsnet · 02/01/2021 21:39

Hi there Anon1917, we've removed your post.

If you're having trouble starting your own thread, do drop us a line [email protected] and we can talk you through it.

PickAChew · 02/01/2021 21:42

My ex was like this with money.

Do not move in with him. Stay at your mum's, apart from him. Give him no chance at all of embroiling you in his debt or getting his hands on your money because he will spend all of that, too. He has no intention of sorting himself out while he thinks you can bankroll him.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 02/01/2021 21:47

this is my issue! I don’t get why he isn’t! I was hoping for some advice to how to talk about that! just ask him. I'd just be very blunt. "Why are you refusing jobs when we need the income? I'm not prepared to lut ho with someone who doesn't want to work but is happy to rack up debt. What's your plan for self-eployment?" But I'd mean it and I'd be fully prepared to be a single parent (I was with my first from day one due to being raped).

Also re the sofa, a grand isn't a normal amount to spend! I got mine off Groupon years ago, 2 for £500! So double that for half the amount seems insane!

caringcarer · 02/01/2021 21:58

I will tell you what I would telly own dd if she was on your position. You need to have a private chat with your Mum. Tell her everything. She won't blame you. She loves you more than anyone else does and will always want what is in your best interest. Ask her if you can stay without your partner. Tell her you have to get yourself sorted for your dd sake. You have taken the first hardest step by recognising what your partner is like. You know deep down he is not good for you. Make arrangements for him to have access to your child and refuse to see him apart from collecting and returning your dd. Put in a claim for benefits you will get some of living alone. Could you get a small flat on your own or share with a girl friend? Baby could share your room. Your maternity pay will run out eventually and you need to decide if you can return to work or not. If you live in a flat you could claim housing benefit. You could either ask your Mum to help you set a budget if she is good with money or you can ask CAB to help you. The worse thing you can do is to drift on with your partner or move in with him. He has shown you he is not mature and if you let him he will drag you and your baby down. Your first responsibility is to your dd. If you allow your partner to drag you down what will happen to your dd? I know it is hard but you need to tell him it is over with.you and sort out reasonable access arrangements. He should also pay you child maintenance for your dd. He can work but chooses not to. He won't change. Please believe me, when I say, I would tell my own dd exactly the same as I am telling you to do. You are at a crossroads choose one way to improve your life or other way to let your partner drag you into a lifetime of debt which means you and your dd will be forever miserable. Make the smart choice.

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/01/2021 21:59

I think the problem is that both the OP and her DP like to spend when there IS money. But DP also likes to spend when there isn't. And isn't too bothered about earning money to spend either. Just uses credit or a 'windfall' - which is how he saw the money from selling the car. As spending money.

The OP bought the sofa because she believed that there was some money. OK it was earmarked for future emergencies, but out of £11,000 it didn't seem impossible and there'd still be quite a bit left. And maybe if money's tight it was nice for her to feel that for once they could splurge. Unfortunately the £11,000 was a mirage but the OP didn't know it.

I don't think piling on about the sofa is helping. It's a symptom of a wider issue with her DP's attitude to money.

OP he isn't going to change. He's going to say he will. He'll make some visible, superficial changes for a short time. He may well take out more credit behind your back.

You have a choice. Live with him, and this will be the pattern. The spending, the secrecy, the fear. Or leave him, and you'll be better off, without the fear. There is no half way. He isn't going to stop spending and start working, however much he says he is.

Original poster

Abcdefghijk1 · 02/01/2021 22:04

@Feedingthebirds1 thank you for understanding. If I knew the situation I would have never of done it. Thank you

OP posts:

WaterOffADucksCrack · 02/01/2021 22:08

I don’t want to be a single parent the same my mum was. She was amazing but she struggled It's very different now though. I built my career whilst I was a single parent and I look back and I am incredibly proud of myself as is my family. Independence is truly priceless.

MrsBobDylan · 02/01/2021 22:17

Your partner won't listen to what you say no matter how you word it. Just like you won't listen to all the advice you've had on here.

The first alarm bell rang when you said he stayed home with you during the end of your pregnancy, presumably as an excuse to avoid working.

He doesn't want to provide for your and his dd. The both of you seem equally culpable in being completely unrealistic in regards to finances. If you stay with him you need to shelve the idea of Uni because there is no way you will be able to afford it unless he is working.

You should talk to StepChange, they will help you understand the seriousness of your situation.

Mintjulia · 02/01/2021 22:19

Don't move in with him. Don't share an address or a lease, and don't trust him with your credit details.

I'd retreat to a safe distance until he's cleared his debt. You also need to make it clear to him that you aren't that daft to be used as a free meal.

PerveenMistry · 02/01/2021 23:00

@Feedingthebirds1

I think the problem is that both the OP and her DP like to spend when there IS money. But DP also likes to spend when there isn't. And isn't too bothered about earning money to spend either. Just uses credit or a 'windfall' - which is how he saw the money from selling the car. As spending money.

The OP bought the sofa because she believed that there was some money. OK it was earmarked for future emergencies, but out of £11,000 it didn't seem impossible and there'd still be quite a bit left. And maybe if money's tight it was nice for her to feel that for once they could splurge. Unfortunately the £11,000 was a mirage but the OP didn't know it.

I don't think piling on about the sofa is helping. It's a symptom of a wider issue with her DP's attitude to money.

OP he isn't going to change. He's going to say he will. He'll make some visible, superficial changes for a short time. He may well take out more credit behind your back.

You have a choice. Live with him, and this will be the pattern. The spending, the secrecy, the fear. Or leave him, and you'll be better off, without the fear. There is no half way. He isn't going to stop spending and start working, however much he says he is.

This, especially the last paragraph. Be prepared for a life of struggle and sadness. You aren't going to cajole him into becoming a thrifty hard worker. He's shown you exactly what he is.

Nothing would induce me to shackle myself to a "man" who would sit around in deep debt and turn down work when he has a child to support.

3u33y · 02/01/2021 23:37

So I do have a job to go back to then as unless they have put something in writing you are employed and they will have to give u back ur job or a similar job and with paid redundancy if they cant

3u33y · 02/01/2021 23:37

U rather

BillMasheen · 02/01/2021 23:45

I don't think people are picking up on the sofa because they think you should return it or sell it, but because it seems representative of a wider issue you're not seeming to grasp

Yes, this was what I was driving at in my post.

I’ve been through phases of handling money badly and have defended an unwise purchase in exactly the was you did when a close friend rolled her eyes in exasperation at me, and questioned why the fuck I’d bought some expensive hobby equipment when I’d previously told her I was deeply in debt.

It was one of the best things Someone has done for me. Gave me the kick up the butt to enroll on a (free) debt management course and then go and get my damn finances in order.

In my case i did a strict budget, worked out where my money was going, where it needed to go, cut back, then started applying for (and eventually got) a better paid job.

It’s possible but you do need to take a hard look at yourself and ask some uncomfortable questions.

caringcarer · 03/01/2021 01:01

Also if you breastfeed your baby it cost you nothing. If your dd is happy feeding from you why would you want to put her onto formula milk when she clearly prefers to feed from you. In your situation you should be looking for every way to save that you can not making more expense unnecessarily. If you are on maternity leave you can stay home with pay for 6 months and then they have to give you your job back or you can stay home for up to a year but no pay after about 6 months. Childcare is expensive but a childminder is cheaper than a nursery. Would child's other grandparents be able to help with childcare 1 day a week? It would be better if you could go back to work after 6 months. Would your Mum let just you and baby stay until then? If so once you go back to work you could try to get a small flat or even share with a friend. If you really want to sort yourself out you can do this. Would your empoyer keep you on furlough so you get 80 percent of pay? If you can either go back to work or get another job for 30 hours each week it does not matter if minimum wage (which is going up soon) as you can claim working parent tax credit and claim housing benefit. That would be a secure roof over your head for you and your baby. The child's father would have to pay child support and you can claim child benefit. When child is in school you could go back to uni then. You have been given so much good advice on here today. Don't choose to ignore it. We can all see what will happen to you if you choose to stay with irresponsible partner and we all want you to step up for your baby. Come on you can do this. Make it your New Year resolution.

Mumoftwo1990 · 03/01/2021 10:02

@Abcdefghijk1

Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

It's hard but if he won't discuss his issues with money/spending etc then how can you move forward. It's just further and further into debt, I always make sure me and my partner are honest about money as I'm terrible with it but I always make sure our kids have what they need and the bills are paid because it has to be done.

Try the conversation again and just be honest, say you're scared and with a new baby it's a lot to take on worrying about if you'll be able to ever move out etc