I love my DP but can’t handle the money issues?

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Hello

After some guidance really. I have no one to talk to about this.

My partner and I have only been together coming up two years. We have a daughter.

Anyway dp was made redundant. I had a stressful end to my pregnancy so he stayed home with me. Then she was here and he stayed some more. In Oct he said he will re set up his self employed business from ages ago. Since then he’s done like 4 jobs. That’s it. People are offering but he just never gets back to them. We sold the car as it was an expensive one to use my parents spare one and the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

Then credit card bill came. £4K in debt. I’m at a loss

He now has £4K debt and £11k loan for a car we don’t have. I’m honestly don’t know what to say.

The most debt I have ever been in was 2k and that was horrendous. I’ve got myself out of debt but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with money.

He buys unnecessary things. And also if we like something, or want a takeaway etc he won’t tell me he has no money. He says he got paid from something and uses that but his credit card statement says otherwise

Next week we are moving into a flat in both our names. Dss help and him meant to be doing jobs. We were renting from family but they’ve had to sell so staying with my mum and the house is too small I’m at my end. I can’t stay here but I’m terrified.

Anytime we talk money he gets angry as it’s ‘his to deal with not mine’ we have a child. We live together. It affects me.

Aibu? Should I stay here? I really don’t know what to do. We knew each other before we got together. Both families love each other and honestly couldn’t imagine my life without him but it’s getting bad? I grew up poor, very poor. He knows I don’t want that for my child and yet it’s getting worse?

Sorry for the long post
Post edited by MNHQ

Don't move in. I think you will regret it.

the money went into savings split between us to make sure it wasn’t spent. I found out he spent it all.

I don’t understand this? How could he spend it all if you’d split it?

And what do you mean by “ we get dss”?

@MrsGrindah he has spent all of his side. It was for paying the loan monthly. He took £6k. It’s all gone. I took £5k but then bought a sofa we agreed on as ours fell through. So we have £3.8k left

Oh please tell me that the car loan in his name? 🙈
Are you sure your mother wouldn’t rather you stayed? Have you told her about this?

He said he’s spoken to advisors and stuff and says he can’t make full payments to delay them. I don’t want to delay them I want it paid. Or at least him trying to pay off as much as he can but he won’t

On the council list. Estimated a 4 year wait in my area

Had an ex who gambled thousands. Granted yours is maybe just useless with money rather than a gambling addict but it amounts to the same. You'll never have anything and you will become resentful and miserable. If you want to live like that it's up to you. After a while I lost all respect for my ex. Begging money from me for takeaways and cigarettes while he was unable to support his own children due to a life of gambling and lies.

I'm now with someone who understands the value of money and we are building a good life together. Money isn't everything but he is taking you for a mug and lying to you too. I would advise that you don't move in together and you certainly never share finances.

I'd pull out of the flat agreement; tell the agent LL you are splitting and you won't be a tenant or have your name on the contract.

I know I have to but I can’t leave him. I can’t be a single parent

You have to leave him. He will wreck your life if you don’t.

Waster

You can ditch him now or in a few years time with loads of debt around your neck & a bankruptcy to your name.

I’d ditch him now, you’re already a single parent and he’s an extra child.

You’ve chosen to have a baby with a waste of space, so now you need to go back to work and earn some money so that you can support the family you’ve started.

If he doesn’t want to work he can look after the baby while you’re earning money. It’s no different to what many women do, staying at home with the man earning money.

Once you’ve re-established your career you can make the choice about whether you want to keep supporting him or not.

Almost anything is better than living with a man who will drain you dry, use your name to rack up debts, and leave you with nothing except another child or two. Don't do this to yourself. There has to be another option.

He has no job yet got an 11 k loan for a car, then sold a car that's owned by the credit company, and pocketed the money?

Have you told your mum about your situation? What is her advice?

Hard as it is to split now, it'll be worse after you've moved in. Be brave and go through the pain now. I haven't followed whether you are hoping to get back to work soon?

Hope the car loan in his name if yes dont be worrying about it. His problem.
Dont move in. Stay with your mom in the meantime.
Is he living with you at your mom?
If yes, get him out.
Its too messy he need grow up work save and get his own place or back to his parents while working sabing paying off debt until cleared then ye can revisit your situation.
Dont get tangled up in his mess before you know it he be using your identity for theft. Or mother or sister.

You will leave him. You can either do it now or wait til he wrecks your mental health and credit rating but the end is written.

Tell him you can't move in and have to live separately until he has cleared his debts and has steady work for a sustained amount of time. It sounds like he'd rather be living on benefits than providing for his child. I think you need to take a big step back x

If you got pregnant while on the pill then double up on contraception if you are still having sex with him. Do not bring another baby into the situation.

You say you want to fix things.

You can't fix things. This is his mess to fix. And if he won't, you need to dump him.

As a PP has said, this is the least he will ever owe. Dump him. Stay with your mum and spend a few months working out your next move.

I'd not move in with him, but give him an ultimatum. Either he agrees to a plan to get out of debt, get a job and go to financial literacy classes, or you will leave. And he has to be open about everything, income, expenditure, accounts etc... and if he makes progress, then you can reconsider. If not, you know it's not going to work.

You are lucky that both families have known each other for a long time, they all have a powerful incentive to help you both.

Good luck, you're far too sensible to get involved in his debt.

Again all debt is in his name. He has it all. Nothing with me on it. I’m not stupid to take anything out for him.

He took the car out three years ago before we got together. It’s not a car loan it’s just a loan so he hasn’t ‘pocketed’ anything. He has been paying it back. Currently on a holiday break now but payments to resume shortly.

Get your finances separated asap. Check you're getting any benefits you may be entitled to. Ensure he pays you for half of the baby's expenses.

Work out a plan to move fwd as a single parent. How will you earn money? Can you find a job in your old field? Many children go into childcare when they're 1yo - what are your options?

Maybe you decide to stay with him, but make it a choice rather than being dependent on him.