Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

I am so sorry OP

You must be in a state of shock discovering a double betrayal. Do you have family or a friend living close by that you can spend time with tomorrow? You will need support, a shoulder to cry on.

I'm so sorry. Don't want to read and run. My advice would be to be kind to yourself and keep busy in the day with your DD and allow yourself to grieve for the lies and betrayal once she's in bed.

I'd be writing practical lists (lots of advice on here) as to what you need for solicitor. I can't see any return for your marriage from this. It's horrific.

So sorry.

So, so sorry OP . Four years! What a pair of shits. Do you have anyone in RL to talk to, family? You need to get all the support you can. At least to help with your DD while you try to get your head together.

At least he’s done the decent thing and left for now. It’s going to be so tough but don’t for gods sake let him back. There’s no going back from something like this. Such deceit and betrayal.

Its late to get your ducks in a row, but theres lots you can do while hes not in the house IE paperwork
Get to a solicitor Monday - it will be busy
Can you get money out of account and put into yours?

Is that when the affair started? When she went through her divorce? God what on Earth were they thinking. How awful for you. Are you sure he’s at a hotel? What I don’t understand is after those messages, what was he waiting for then? Why has he still not left? Why did it take you finding out? This is exactly why I don’t let women into my home. People are capable of utter betrayal. I really feel for you. Do you have any other friends/family who can come and support you?

Is that why she got divorced?

Was the difficult divorce due to her affair with your husband?

My ex DH had an affair with my best friend, it's awful the double betrayal. That's who I would have gone to fir support.

Even though you're in shock, get a solicitor asap. It's time to take control.

Oh op. I know from a similar experience that the betrayal by the friend hurts as much as by your husband. Im so sorry you are going through this.

This has got to be one of the worst things I’ve read on here. A woman lets her best friend support her through her ‘difficult’ divorce while she’s been shagging that friend’s husband before, during and after. Was it difficult because her husband knew she was having an affair?

What an absolutely vile woman (and OP’s husband obviously).

Really hope you get RL support OP. You are so much better than them and you WILL come through it.

Christ, what a pair of shits.

Have you got other support to get you through the next few days.

Twats, honestly there are no words.
So sorry, sending a hand hold.

@XmasBelle

Its late to get your ducks in a row, but theres lots you can do while hes not in the house IE paperwork Get to a solicitor Monday - it will be busy Can you get money out of account and put into yours?

We always had our own separate bank accounts, so I have the money I need to get by for the time being, and if necessary I can move back in with my mum, even though that would be humiliating for me

So sorry OP, this is completely shit for you. What bastards both of them. I would say don’t forget to eat and drink and rest (get some nytol if you need to), and yes see if there is anybody that could come stay with you or at least pop over to see you in person for a bit over the next few days. I think you’ve said the right thing to your daughter for now, until you’ve had more time to process this and decide on your next steps etc.

Good advice above re:getting paperwork together and withdrawing money/moving money to your own account if you can. Unfortunately you are on the back foot whereas he has had time to plan ahead for such a scenario knowing that it may be coming. My ex drained our joint account and savings when he left, leaving me without money to pay bills and buy food etc. And it was totally disregarded bu the time it got to court years down the line as the money was in both our names and long gone by the time we got to court so I never got that money back. Bastard.

You sound fairly clear in your own head that there is no going back from this for you. So yes also good advice to meet with a solicitor. You don’t have to set anything in motion yet if you don’t want to but information is power. And your solicitor may well have further good advice about what practical things to put in place and think about. At least don’t let him screw you over financially in a divorce.

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

Was the difficult divorce due to her affair with your husband?

Looking back it definitely was. The story she told me was that all his family hated her, and convinced him to divorce her. Now I can say that it probably was that she couldn't look him in the eyes anymore because the affair weighed on her mind too much. I feel sick.

I’m so sorry. Do you think your so called best friend’s ex husband found out about her affair with your husband? Has she tried to contact you?

if you jointly own your home, do not be the person who moves out. But don’t think too much about long term stuff like where you’ll live in the future tonight. Let today’s troubles be today’s, you have enough to cope with without panicking about moving in with your mum etc right now before you’ve even got legal advice x

@BaublesToIt

So, so sorry OP . Four years! What a pair of shits. Do you have anyone in RL to talk to, family? You need to get all the support you can. At least to help with your DD while you try to get your head together.

At least he’s done the decent thing and left for now. It’s going to be so tough but don’t for gods sake let him back. There’s no going back from something like this. Such deceit and betrayal.

I'm definitely not letting him get back into my life. He can see his daughter, and I will remain civil when she's around, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to be friends with him when he knows how much he has hurt me.

@OTannenbaum

if you jointly own your home, do not be the person who moves out. But don’t think too much about long term stuff like where you’ll live in the future tonight. Let today’s troubles be today’s, you have enough to cope with without panicking about moving in with your mum etc right now before you’ve even got legal advice x

I will fight tooth and nail for our house. I already know my daughter will live with me most of the time, so hopefully that means I get to keep it.

Then they are a pair of clarty minks OP and you owe them nowt.

I am so sorry. I have no experience or suggestions except to say that you said " I have the money I need to get by for the time being, and if necessary I can move back in with my mum, even though that would be humiliating for me." Please please do not be humiliated by this. Your husband has behaved very badly and so has your 'friend'. Please hold your head up high, OP.

@NovemberR

I'm so sorry. Don't want to read and run. My advice would be to be kind to yourself and keep busy in the day with your DD and allow yourself to grieve for the lies and betrayal once she's in bed.

I'd be writing practical lists (lots of advice on here) as to what you need for solicitor. I can't see any return for your marriage from this. It's horrific.

So sorry.

I agree with NovemberR.

I'm so sorry, Lindsey, what a terrible shock - and a particularly painful one - for you.

Make an urgent solicitor appointment and gather as much information as you can re bank accounts, pensions, savings/debts and mortgage details/rental contract to take with you.
It's bloody hard to pull yourself together, but you need to find out your housing and financial rights for yourself and your daughter.
This man is not to be trusted in any way, so you need to get informed and don't agree to anything before you have the legal advice.
I'm so sorry this has happened. Terrible shock and I know you feel destroyed.
I hope you have someone in your family to support you.
You'll always get support if you post on here also.

Why would it be humiliating to move in with your mum? Your mum should be your biggest support right now. It may not come to that. I would be out for blood with the so called "friend".

My sister was cheated on by her then boyfriend with her best friend and she said that her betrayal was worse than his in many ways. So please do allow yourself to grieve both losses, dont bury it.

And "clear his head" is code for "how the hell can I talk my way out of this?" 4 years means he was never going to leave you for her, doesnt want to lose you and will say and do anything in order to keep you. She will be kicked to the kerb in no short order. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. I did and fuck me it was worst thing I ever did. When you feel yourself wobbling (and you will, thats normal) and wanting to go back to normal, remember he is only sorry he got caught.

They may well end up together but only because you wont have him back, and she will spend the rest of her life knowing that. That she was the fall back, the second choice, the "well she's better than nothing".

Take care sweetie, from another survivor