Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

How absolutely awful. I’m so sorry. I can’t understand why anyone would go with a friend, you’re doubling the pain inflicted on that person it takes a special kind of nasty in my eyes.

So sorry, OP. Another survivor here.

You have free range to take the house upside down for information like bank statements, pension details, savings etc. If he was oblivious till the time he left, it should all be easily found. (No time for hiding anything)

This. You have a huge advantage by being in the matrimonial home. Shake the place down for info on paper. If you know or can possibly guess his passwords, hack in. That's what I did, and the info I found was extremely valuable. Set up your own bank account now and move the joint account contents there, apart from enough for his basics. (You don't want anything held against you in the property settlement.)

Next, or concurrent, step is to make sure your DD has as stable and normal a life as possible. Stay in the home, as this is to DD's benefit. Remember that STBXH has to support you while you are still legally married. How do you get on with DD's school teacher? What about the parents of her friends? In my case, when I confided in these people, they were incredibly supportive. They stepped up, and were my rocks even as my own "friends" melted away. (Be prepared for that to happen, too.)

Do you have someone trustworthy who can go with you to the solicitor? It's good to have moral support. You might be tearful and distressed; if so, they can take notes and help you get your thoughts and papers in order.

As for the other parties -- what a couple of skanks. I hope they end up together and rot in misery.

Another thing, OP -- don't try to be fair. Don't be "decent". Don't take the high road. Men count on us doing this, and it's nearly always to our detriment. Bollocks! Get ready to go for everything. You have a DD to raise, for God's sake. You are fighting for two good people against one complete and utter shit.
More flowers.

Brilliant advice from pp.
I would also suggest getting your story out there first. Don't let him drive the narrative of you've grown apart or whatever. You have been betrayed by 2 people who never should have betrayed you - it's not humiliating - the shame is on them.

What an absolute pair of bastards.
Can you contact the ex husband?

You don’t need to move in with your mum OP and your daughter should still feel she has her own space in her own home as this will be difficult for her too. But you’ll get through it. One thing I have learned - things happen for a reason.

For you OP and another handhold x

Lindsay, what these snakes have done is heinous and beyond the pale. Your H has spent 4 years making a mockery of your and DD’s trust. Behind his smile has been cruel deception and a double life with your ‘friend.’ He robbed you of your consent to be with a faithful man, and he risked your sexual health.

H and OW have an agenda and are currently making plans to control their narrative and limit damage to their reputations. They may present big tears of phony remorse while laying low for a while. He may blame stress, MH, you, his work, etc. I wouldn’t give either one the opportunity to manipulate you. I also wouldn’t protect them by keeping quiet. Tell loved ones. Block OW. Bag up H’s essentials, leave elsewhere, and communicate by email regarding DD while taking steps to divorce him and co-parent.

You and DD are going be okay. You will model love, self-respect, strength and stability for her.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and will soon have some RL support.

I’m so sorry op.
What a coward he is too for sulking off like the victim.

I hope you find some strength to get through this, don’t let it be a reflection of you, at all.
You deserve better!

Why do people insist she makes a urgent solicitor appointment? How about first and foremost remembering to be kind to yourself and just take a moment to breath!

I can only imagine how much pain you are in. Would it be helpful to you to be with your mum right now? If so, pack some things and head over with DD for the weekend to get some space (he may try come back to talk it through and if you're not in the headspace to do that then its probably best to take some time out).

Do not contact your friend, do not say a word to her. I am guessing in time she will reach out to apologise/ explain / Say how bad she feels but do not instigate it. Act like she never existed, she's not a friend and never was. You don't owe her the pleasure of being ratty with her, she knows what she has done.

After some head space, and you're certain of what you want, THEN think about complying stuff. Focus on your mental health before anything else because I imagine the next few months will be challenging. You mentioned separate bank accounts so at least you don't need to move any cash.

If he contacts you, simply request to keep all contact in relation to your DD (visiting rights etc) and times to collect his stuff (so you can take your DD elsewhere -she doesn't need to see/hear details)

On that note, please don't discuss things in front of DD. Remain strong for her and let her make up her own mind about her father. Yes he did wrong and he's an absolute xxxx but he's still her dad. Just say things didn't work out and you hope they still have a lovely relationship as DF and DD. Do what you can to protect her from any upset and hurt as I'm sure she will have her own emotional upset over this all

Good luck OP xx

Nothing to add.....except don’t keep his secret. Tell people (when you need to) you’ve split up and why!

I feel for you OP. Many years ago my ex DH and exBF were having an affair. I had been confiding in her that I thought he was seeing someone. I felt such an idiot. I was “nice” as I wanted him back . He really stung me financially and drew all the money from our joint account. I urge you to get things legally sorted ASAP and to arrange a good amount of child maintenance. Tell your friends and get some support. My girl friends were amazing and helped me through a very difficult time both practically and by just listening. Good luck OP you can get through this.

So sorry for the shock you must be feeling, OP. Use the slightly numb space to gather information to help you make decisions, legal and financial. For what it’s worth, my two penn’orth is: he may not have intended to leave you. The attraction of an illicit affair is precisely that it’s outside of everyday life. Interesting that he hadn’t locked his phone or deleted messages though, so possibly part of him wanted to be caught/to end it. It’s 4 years and he hadn’t made any moves to be with her. How was your marriage prior to this revelation? In all respects, sexually, relationally, financially? Were you happy? I’m saying this from an extremely cold-blooded perspective, and I’m not in your shoes - I’m also not saying affairs are great (they aren’t, they’re both messy and complex). But, if there was plenty there to keep you in the relationship before you discovered the affair, don’t do anything rash. Give the shock time to wear off. You will never see him in the same way again and that’s a process in itself, but affairs don’t always destroy relationships - they do, irrevocably change them. If you reflect and notice all was not actually that great, the balance may tip in favour of a LTB, but give yourself space to think - after all, that’s what he’s doing. And make yourself the top priority.

Sorry you’re going through this.

As others have said, use this time to your advantage -
Photograph everything round the house:
Pensions
Payslips
Insurances
Savings accounts/shares

Make sure you have your DD passport/documents safe.

Then give yourself time to process.

Pack all his belongings into a suitcase and when he contacts you next, tell him you'll leave it outside the door. Make it very clear that he has to find somewhere else to stay (like with his ho...).

We are all saying to go to a solicitor urgently so that finances can be sorted. Whilst he feels guilty he might be more generous but that stops quickly. He is not your friend and its them against you so you have to be tougher and sharper. I'm so sorry

You poor poor thing. All I can say is to hold your head up high, and love your daughter with all of your heart

My ex husband had a three year affair with a friend. It floored me. I completely understand where you are coming from but You will get through it. I hated her and him so bad 11 years on I am remarried. He married her and we still are amicable. Irony is she contacted me apologising as he has had several affairs. The only advice I can give is to concentrate on yourself and your little girl. You will think you won't get through it and feel every emotion possible.

Be practical and think about what you need to do. Typical of him to walk away and he needs to clear his head.
Be tough. He did this not you although at some point you will get the script that he has not been happy for ages.

They will always be cheaters but nice on with your head held high!
Big hugs!

Dont do anything for now.
Take a few days to breathe and sit with your shock and pain.
Try to eat a little and dont expect to sleep so books and overnight telly may be needed.
This happened to me too and with hindsight i wish id taken some time.
Then begin to prioritise things such as finances and work practicalaties.
Hes taking some time to clear his head? Fucking idiot. Let him stay there.
Be prepared to be told hes not been happy for years and its your fault.
This is a lie to save his own guilt.
Its going to be a really tough few months but keep telling yourself that you will be fine and life will be good again.
Im so sorry.

I feel so sorry for you OP that is absolutely disgraceful behaviour from your husband and friend and they are the ones who should be ashamed, not you. If it were me in this situation I would tell everyone straight away so that there could be no going back for me. People like that will often try and guilt you into keeping their nasty little secrets by saying it's better for the children etc but really they are only thinking of themselves.
I definitely would not let him back in the house or even really want to speak to him or her. If they tried to explain themselves to me I would remain blank and impassive and just say things like 'hmm' and 'I see'. People who do things like this have no morals anyway so it is a waste of time wanting to talk things out, your husband will probably say he's sorry but also try and turn it back round on you so that it was somehow your fault. So don't give the satisfaction, freeze them out is my advice. Good luck, you must be feeling knocked for six but you will get through.

Remember, you’ve done nothing wrong. He’s the one that has caused the problem, not you.

I'm so very sorry OP, the betrayal from a friend can often hurt more than a partners.

This must be awful for you OP. Their behaviour is inexcusable and it must be very painful right now. You will need all your friends and family around you whilst you heal. Don't ever believe that this is your fault even if he tries to rewrite your history together. He will try and shift the blame to you and minimise his own. You will need to eat and drink, even if you're not hungry. Be angry and find your inner roar

Oh, I’m so sad for you - a double betrayal would hurt like hell. Stay put, consult a solicitor. I’m pretty sure that your DH will have to provide for your child for the next 11 years at least. If he has any decency, he will want to keep your DC safe in your current home, so you won’t have to face disruption, but I don’t think he has any decency, if he can do this for 4 years. Please get accurate legal advice from a professional ASAP.

I am so sorry Op. How awful for you.
Brace yourself for the 'script'.
Lock down finances as soon as you can, today would be good.
And if you ever think you are going to do the 'pick me' dance, get on MN sharpish.