Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

I’m sorry to read this OP.

There is no rush to see a solicitor unless he is abusive or unlikely to continue to financially support your daughter and the house. You do not need to change the locks or extra bolts unless he is likely to be aggressive. Do you have a spare bedroom if he should return - although j doubt he will.

Take your time. There is no rush. I started divorce proceedings once I was strong enough to do it. However my ex continued to financially support the household although he was living with the OW.

Good luck. He is a dick. In the long run you will be better with him out of your life.

Also, I agree with the other posters - photograph / photocopy all the financial documents while you can, particularly as you say you have separate accounts so you can’t legally order copies.

You might be married to one of the tiny minority of men who stay financially fair to their wife when they leave for their mistress (most people like to be the good guy which requires a man finding a way to blame his wife in this scenario - and if he’s convinced himself it’s her fault, he tends to take the view she’s not entitled to her fair share of the money) in which case you don’t have to use them but if he tries anything (i.e. ‘forgets’ that savings account / pension or moves money to another account), you have proof.

I hope everything works out for you. If you get a good solicitor, you should be guided by what (s)he has to say about your next actions.

I was in your position in June 2019 (albeit the woman wasn’t my friend). What I did was I immediately threw him out that night, followed by every item of clothing from the house the next day (cathartic).
I went through every piece of paper he had and took copies of anything I thought would be useful financially (he went by the script.....I’ll help you always soon turned into you’re not having MY money, and the items I copied have been invaluable to me).
Don’t change the locks, but the next time you see him try and get the keys back while he’s feeling guilty.
Mine didn’t want to leave us for the OW...she was also married and had divorced her husband September 2018 for mine (I didn’t find out for another 10 months). I forced his hand, and would never take him back. He initially stayed with his father but it wasn’t long before he was living with her. He now (by choice) has no contact with our children and we don’t actually know where he lives. It’s all my fault because I caught him, whereas he was hoping it was fizzling out and no one would ever know.
I remember the shock of the first few days, I did the pick me dance a few times to keep my family together. Thankfully he didn’t choose me because I am much happier not being with a compulsive liar. Life will get better. I would go as little contact as possible.....I struggled really hard with this, and it’s only now I’m no contact. I wish I could have done it sooner but I was bonded to him. I was married 18 years with 2 teenage children. They don’t want anything to do with him as he’s said some awful things to them in anger. I used to try and facilitate their relationship, but I don’t now. I appreciate your child is a lot younger.
It’s the most horrendous thing I’ve ever experienced but it does lessen with time. Good luck. Pm me any time to chat

I've been there too @Lindsay1975 with a lying exH who had an affair. No kids in my case and the OW was his boss though. I told her husband. He wasn't shocked as she'd had two previous affairs. But this one ended their marriage and mine as we both kicked them out.
They married a year later as she was pregnant, I've heard my ex is still playing the field. This was 20 years ago, I've since remarried and have 2 kids. It will be tough time but please hold on to this thought: you WILL get through this. Please follow @Eekay and @groovergirl 's excellent advice. Most lawyers do free 30 minute consultation, see one as soon as you can. Photo evidence of affair you've got on emails/messages along with any documents re: will/shares/mortgage papers/household or child related bills you alone pay/savings/bank account info/life insurance policies/pensions' documents etc. set up a new email and send photos to yourself there. If you have a will / expression of wish for pensions' payout of your own please amend asap! Likewise if your Mum / other rellies have left him anything in a will get them to alter it! And if you have any savings in a joint account, take at least half of it out now, TODAY...for you and your DD. Remember to eat, talk to your Mum or someone else you know can trust in RL. If it gets tough in the middle of the night (it did for me) you can call the Samaritans, they will always listen if you need to talk. Take care, lots of us willing you on!

Just to pick up on something you said earlier, there is nothing in this situation that humiliates you. You are the innocent party, you hold the power, you hold the cards. You have been wronged, and that humiliates them, not you. They're the ones who broke the bonds and the trust, not you. Maintain your dignity, and nothing is humiliating for you here, whatever you need to do.

Definitely do not move out, even temporarily. Be glad you found out and it hasn't gone on any longer. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster , you'll feel overwhelmed at times so you'll need some support.
My best advice is not to try to exact revenge or join in with any confrontation. It will be tempting at times given what they have done.
You will come through this

@Lindsay1975 Gosh - you sound like such a lovely, sweet natured woman - I think looking after yourself and your child is paramount, seeking support from trusted family and friends, sorting out finances - GIVE HIM HIS F*KING MARCHING ORDERS ASAP - stay calm, dignified, well/healthy (so important) and focus on your own nest!

F**k men - I have been right where you are now - you sound fab and I am sure you will get your life in order and be happy again - sorry for the cliches!!

Just keep a level head and rise above the bullshit - hopefully one day you and him will be friends - make sure (if he’s a quality Father) you encourage your child to maintain a relationship with him.

Much love OP 🌸🌺🌸🌺

Claudiawinklemansfringe and so many of you have been through so much. It's awful and saw but you are able to print code excellent advice.

There are some good sources of wisdom out there. Last night I looked up the Mrs chump website and realised how many people are affected by this. You are not alone OP.

Sorry Chump lady.

www.chumplady.com/

What a betrayal. A kick in the teeth for you from your ex friend. Get the marriage certificate safe you will need it for divorce. Photocopy any pension documents you can find, also his pay slips, bonus payments, savings, ISA's in his name etc. Don't feel bad about doing this as he has brought it on himself. This might be the only chance you have to get paperwork before he comes and removes it. Don't waste this time. Just remember how many times he must have lied to you to meet her for sex. He must have started this when your dd was a baby. Don't let him talk you around with excuses and more lies. Book a test to check for sexually transmitted diseases. You can't be sure they always used a condom. Find out which is best solicitor for divorce in your area and book an appointment. Make sure you have all paperwork/ photocopies when you go your bank statements, savings, pension documents too. I found out my husband cheated on me after 21 years and I was on caravan holiday with DC and he was supposed to be joining us on Friday Evening. I found out he was having affair, rushed home when he was at work, packed his stuff in black sacks, rang and got locks changed (pretend you list your keys) and then got BiL around with me when I rang him and told him I knew and to come collect his stuff or it was going to the tip. He came immediately, tried to lie to me but I had evidence. Then BiL told him to get out and not return. I divorced him 9 weeks later but had to wait almost a year for financial settlement to happen. My solicitor advised me to sort finances out first but I just could not bear to remain married to him so did the legal divorce first and finances after. Unusual but it worked for me. Children teens and did not want to have contact with him until after financial settlement. Now years later he only has contact with 1 out of our 3 children, their choice. How you react in next week will make a big difference to your future do use your time wisely. Sorry he is such a low life OP.

If you have a joint account transfer at least half the funds into your personal account to stop him from draining it. Remember you have to to do what is best for you and dad. Do not even think of his wellbeing. He will not put you first.

If you and ex friend have other joint friends tell them exactly what she has done to you before she gets in with loads of lies.

Don't tell anyone except your Mum what you plan to do as they.msyntell one of them.

They will never be happy together because they have both cheated each will know the other is capable of cheating and lying and they will not trust each other.

Be prepared for your husband to beg and whine and try to talk you into taking him back. He will promise to give her up. Don't belong him he is a proven liar.

Block ex friend if you have not already done so. She is no friend to you. I hope you did not tell her personal stuff they can use against you.

Stay strong. Eat/ drink and get something to help you sleep if you need it.

I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'.

He needs to clear his head?

What an absolute wankstain. Next he'll claim that your behaviour made him stick his dick where he shouldn't have.

I hope you took screen shots of the evidence.

So sorry you're going through this Op - it really is such a painful time. You've had some great advice on this thread and I'd second what everyone has said and also agree that you need to be kind to yourself - you've nothing to be embarrassed about, you've done nothing wrong at all.

They're both cunts.

What a hideous shock for you. I can’t imagine letting your best friend help you through a divorce while shagging their husband. She must have a heart of stone.

@Honeyroar

What a hideous shock for you. I can’t imagine letting your best friend help you through a divorce while shagging their husband. She must have a heart of stone.

No heart at all.

People that do this are the lowest of the low; I’ve had it done to me(thankfully wasn’t married and he was no great loss), and my lovely DH had it done to him by his best mate and ex wife. The kids will never ever forgive the pair of them, they witnessed their mum sneaking about with the ‘friend’ and still 6 years later hate them both for it.

Do not take him back, whatever you do. Let them be together, and you just remember that relationships that start this way, end this way. If she becomes his girlfriend, all that does is create a vacancy for a mistress.

Sorry OP! What a pair of shits

Gutter rats the pair of them
Please don’t leave your home op

@MellowYellow101

Why do people insist she makes a urgent solicitor appointment? How about first and foremost remembering to be kind to yourself and just take a moment to breath!

I can only imagine how much pain you are in. Would it be helpful to you to be with your mum right now? If so, pack some things and head over with DD for the weekend to get some space (he may try come back to talk it through and if you're not in the headspace to do that then its probably best to take some time out).

Do not contact your friend, do not say a word to her. I am guessing in time she will reach out to apologise/ explain / Say how bad she feels but do not instigate it. Act like she never existed, she's not a friend and never was. You don't owe her the pleasure of being ratty with her, she knows what she has done.

After some head space, and you're certain of what you want, THEN think about complying stuff. Focus on your mental health before anything else because I imagine the next few months will be challenging. You mentioned separate bank accounts so at least you don't need to move any cash.

If he contacts you, simply request to keep all contact in relation to your DD (visiting rights etc) and times to collect his stuff (so you can take your DD elsewhere -she doesn't need to see/hear details)

On that note, please don't discuss things in front of DD. Remain strong for her and let her make up her own mind about her father. Yes he did wrong and he's an absolute xxxx but he's still her dad. Just say things didn't work out and you hope they still have a lovely relationship as DF and DD. Do what you can to protect her from any upset and hurt as I'm sure she will have her own emotional upset over this all

Good luck OP xx

Thank you for the kind message. All I want for the future right now is for my DD to have a good relationship with her dad, no matter the circumstances. I know he's awful for what he did, and I won't be letting either of them back into my life as friends, but I don't want her to think she has to 'pick a side' when she's older.

Def agree with caringcarer - tell your mutual friends what these sorry excuses for human beings have done. Goodness only knows what lies they will spin otherwise.

Do you know anyone irl who has managed to divorce with a really good outcome for them? Ask them which SHL they used - get a few recommendations, in fact, and call several.

I am so sorry OP.

The reason a lot of people are saying seek legal advice asap is because as soon as he realises that you are not letting him back, the gloves will come off and it will get nasty. If you have seen a solicitor, even just for advice, you will be in a better position to stand up for yourself when he tries to bully you into conceding cash or property rights.

@Eckhart

Just to pick up on something you said earlier, there is nothing in this situation that humiliates you. You are the innocent party, you hold the power, you hold the cards. You have been wronged, and that humiliates them, not you. They're the ones who broke the bonds and the trust, not you. Maintain your dignity, and nothing is humiliating for you here, whatever you need to do.

Thank you. I know it is unreasonable to feel humiliated when they're the ones that have been so evil to me, although I can't help but feel so disappointed in myself that I didn't realise they were awful people sooner.

What a pair of shitebags, I’m so sorry

@acatcalledjohn

I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'.

He needs to clear his head?

What an absolute wankstain. Next he'll claim that your behaviour made him stick his dick where he shouldn't have.

I hope you took screen shots of the evidence.

I thankfully took quite a few photos of the messages/photos on his phone with my own. He took it with him when he left to go to the hotel, so I assume he's deleted them all by now, although he left his Facebook logged in on his work computer that he didn't take with him, and there's quite a few highly sexual messages/nudes from about three years ago to the OW which I have taken pictures of as well. It makes me sick to go through it, but it has to be done before he deletes it all.