Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

Don't move out OP. I'd be tempted to get the locks changed personally but that depends on how you think he'll react.
Please get some real life support and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You will he ok although I know it doesn't feel like that now.

How awful for you. I’m so sorry you’ve been betrayed. I would be seeking a divorce and to stay in the family home. You and your dd shouldn’t be penalised for his actions. .

Oh my word @Lindsay1975 I am so angry for you.

Block the pair of them until you have sorted your head out, we are here when ever you need us. What a pair of cun**

@GalaxyCookieCrumble
I think you meant CUNTS!!!

And you would be right.

OP. Block the ex-friend, you dont need her lies too as they will have spent tonight co-ordinating stories.

How brave of you to act on your concerns and find out this information, so glad you also had the ability to seek some support right away - I cant imagine how you are dealing with this right now. If you have read other peoples stories on this forum you are no doubt running all sorts of thoughts through your mind.

Do you think he will give you the space of a few days? I don't know where you are but its hard to get hotels in some areas. I would echo what others say about the double impact of both your partner and someone who you have allowed to be close to you, both behaving so badly. They are both responsible for their awful actions but most likely don't want to take any accountability. Be ready for all their attempts to justify, blame and distance themselves from their actions. I would really hope you can avoid getting drawn in. Do you have supportive people you can let know about what has happened so they can be a support to you. If you know anything from others experiences - having support is the most important thing when you are dealing with such a terrible shock and sense of loss.

It may be hard to think about right now, but you can absolutely come through this - you may wish you didn't have to but you can, it is a process though and needs a day at a time approach. Do what you feel you need to do but do please seek out all the help you need. Sorry this has happened, it is so unfair.

[quote PyongyangKipperbang]@GalaxyCookieCrumble
I think you meant CUNTS!!!

And you would be right.

OP. Block the ex-friend, you dont need her lies too as they will have spent tonight co-ordinating stories.[/quote]
Hahaha CUNTS indeed!

Change the locks. He can move in with her. He's left now...that puts you in a better position with regards to the house. Can you pay the mortgage?

Why should you have to move you done nothing wrong, and try not to announce to your daughter that daddy doesn't live here anymore syndrome, cause it's always gonna be your fault, I would wait on that one,(please believe me I know) and just keep saying daddies working until you can give that dispicable horrible dirt bag the time to tell your girl, he needs to be the one to face the music on this make him pay emotionally, you need to stay strong and don't let the darkness fall over you, u won't believe it but your better off without a liar and deceiver, now is the time shine and stand on your own two feet, you can do it and you don't need any man to tell you how, as for that so called best friend just remember not to rise to her level and don't do anything that can land u in trouble away from Ur little girl. Stay strong and proud that you can do this make a plan and stick to it.

But be prepared for him to beg to come back.

Another survivor here
It hurts like hell but he is no longer who you thought he was
Keep strong

I should imagine both of them will be shitting themselves at the moment.

Get as much as you can whilst he feels guilty.
His mood will change once you go to a solicitor.

Tell him nothing.
Also do not tell his family anything especially financial detail.

Keep your cards close to your chest only tell your mom what you intend to do.

Are you in contact with her ex husband seeing as she was your best friend.?

Yes I agree....tell him NOTHING. See a solicitor immediately. Don't tell him a THING about that. None of his business.

I cant help thinking that she divorced her ex on the assumption that your husband would leave you for her. And of course he didnt, so be careful there. What led you to check his phone, something he said....or her?

You can't legally change the locks. Don't do this.

Check the family finances. See a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings.

After you've gone through the finances, spend some time bagging all of his belongings and get them out of the house. Do you have a garage or shed you could use for storage?

Four years is a long time to indulge in an affair. I wouldn't let him back under the same roof no matter how much he begs and pleads. He can move in with the OW. They sound like a couple made for each other.

No you cant change the locks but you can ADD locks/bolts etc. That is perfectly legal.

He has had control of this situation for 4 years. To keep some perspective you need to change the locks tomorrow because he will start popping up to collect 'important' things and you need the sanity of being able to say either 'no, not at the moment' or when is suitable for you.
Contact a solicitor that only does matrimonial cases.
Everything on your terms now.

He has done you an absolute favour by going away to clear his head. Be prepared for him to have gone to her to clear out something else.

I digress.

You have free range to take the house upside down for information like bank statements, pension details, savings etc. If he was oblivious till the time he left, it should all be easily found. (No time for hiding anything)

It might be worth contacting her ex to see if he can shed any light. Knowledge is power.

What a betrayal.

Don't let him into the house. He'll be hiding all sorts of evidence.. laptop etc and bank stuff

@PyongyangKipperbang

I cant help thinking that she divorced her ex on the assumption that your husband would leave you for her. And of course he didnt, so be careful there. What led you to check his phone, something he said....or her?

If he did intend to leave for her he may havrebeen waiting for a 'respectable ammount of time to pass. Unfortunately in the meantime he has been found out.

Or maybe he wanted to be found out, who knows?

But he's ahead of the game so op needs good financial advice quickly.
Calling MN solicitors for their wisdom.

Is the OW divorce finalised?, it would look bad if she was named in op's divorce, for adultery.

OP be prepared for further betrayals I hope you haven't told her too many secrets and they gang up against you. Be careful.
Good luck stay strong.

Get legal advice.
Tell people in RL.
Start reclaiming the home.
Do you have a spare bedroom he could use if he tries to move back?
Start getting the paperwork etc in order.

Keep eating and drinking. Accept help. Look after yourself.

Your husband and your best friend, both of whom have always benefited from your love and kindness?? They have betrayed you and your child in the worst possible way for 4 long years.

These two have no integrity or moral compass. They are the lowest of the low.

Lindsay, try to stay hydrated and get some exercise. Tell trusted family/friends who can rally around you with love and support. See a solicitor and consider seeking the support of individual counseling. Keep posting here.

Be prepared for him to manipulate with lame excuses. There are no excuses. He may attempt to shift the blame to you or the marriage. Do not accept any responsibility for his decision to lie, cheat, and betray you and DD. If he had issues, he could have chosen to handle them in an ethical manner.

I will be thinking of you and will gladly hold your hand. I’m in a different time zone and will be up for about 4 more hours.

Oh and look up the Script- as he may well try to use it.
Some people find the Chump Lady website/blog helpful.

The sinister aspect of this is how she has been through a divorce last year.

All this could have been planned by them, I wonder if she was painted as the victim in this divorce.

The question is.... does her husband know of this affair?

what a pair of dirty scum bags... I'm so sorry OP