Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

So sorry OP what a betrayal.

I know some posters have suggested leaving the house. Do not do this. Stay put. It’s in your best interests.

The pain and betrayal must be just awful. I really feel for you.

He's fucked off because he can't face the music. Despicable human beings. The worst of the worst. What utterly vile, inexcusable behaviour from two of your nearest and dearest. Bastards. People will never look at them the same from now on.

Tell people. You've done nothing wrong. You need support right now. Please speak to someone in RL.

I changed the looks, legal or not, he kept coming back unannounced, watching me in bed, checking my laptop, taking things etc. I had enough and locked the dirty bastard out.

Take some time to get your head around this. Try to eat and drink a little. I know it'll be the last thing you want to do. You need your strength. ❤️

The pair of them are lying disgusting cunts.

I'm so very sorry.

Hope that your mum or another friend can come to stay with you.

For right now, block both of them and don't let him in the house. You need time to yourself right now without either of their bs.
Everyone has given excellent advice on gathering papers, solicitors, eating, self-care.

Oh OP I am so sorry. What a horrible pair of shits to do this to you. You sound like a lovely person.

I agree with what other PPs have said about being kind to yourself, you have suffered two losses and that will be a huge shock.

Also agree that he should be the one to leave and you should stay in the house at least until everything is sorted out.

Do you have support IRL? Friends you can tell? Start getting the truth out there, you may find he tells a very different story.

and hugs

even though that would be humiliating for me

Hold your head high @Lindsay1975 Your soon to be exH is the one who should be ashamed.

I notice this a lot in real as well as online- women who’ve been betrayed and cheated on take on the guilt that should be their exH’s. It’s a lesson to me to keep on believing and supporting women I know who are going through this - a lesson to us all.

Good luck OP. It’s good to read that you are determined this is the end, and you’re planning for freedom, not trying to get him back. Brava!!

I’ve had a similar shock this last week, though I still have my girlfriends to lean on (sort of, it’s legally best if I keep what I found to myself for the moment).

I’m prepared for the fact that my ‘D’H has actually slept with someone(s) I know, it’s all coming out now, but I don’t know exactly who yet. I can only hope it isn’t one of my close friends in the mix. And 4 years? That’s the absolutely worst discovery I can think of. You poor dear woman.

On the upside for you, your partner has scurried off with his (forked) tail between his legs. Not 2 metres away, living his bastard life in your near field of vision. She’ll know by now, and be jumping at shadows. Good.

I’d be ringing her mum and his. Spell it out to them in brief, calm sentences. Gauge if they knew, so you know whether to get them on side or tear through them for their crappy parenting (and upcoming public family humiliation).

But probably don’t listen to me. I’m past the shock/numb phase, in the rage phase. Not looking forward to the crying phase. Or the ‘pulling it together endlessly for the kid’ phase. Or the telling faux sympathetic lawyers & accountants my story phase.

Sigh. Good luck, love. PM me if you’d ever like a buddy to connect with during the phases.

I would be telling her husband about the affair to be honest. That way if he is having to give her money or anything, he can take her back to court about it hopefully. The bitch deserves it, stupid cow.

As for your slimeball of a husband, never let him back in and ruin him in the divorce. He deserves to be left with very little too. Let's see how their romance starts off with heavy debt from the divorce proceedings.

Don’t leave your home, keep a key in the front and back doors so he can’t just waltz back in. Did you take screenshots of the messages? Can you log in to his social media and photograph it? Get copies of all financial documents. Phone local solicitors, most offer a free consultation, if you’ve spoken to them they can’t then represent him even if you decide to choose someone else. So make sure you get first pick.

So sorry this has happened to you, he’s a dick, he’s gone off to decide what to do next but doesn’t realise it’s not just up to him.

This must be a shock
But all this kick him out, don’t let him back etc is not the legal position. As the joint marital home he has as much legal right to Remain there as you do and many couples end up remain I g I. The house while divorcing. Not ideal but it’s not always possible to have an alternative

I’d spend the next few weeks just looking after yourself and your daughter and also to him. Not in a taking him back kind of way but in a rational what she’s he think things will look like from here - eg stability due your daughter, the house, where he’ll live, finances. No need to rush straight to a solicitor on Monday.

For now just take it a step at a time

• Talk to him Does not she’s

So many spelling autocorrect!

@Eekay

Make an urgent solicitor appointment and gather as much information as you can re bank accounts, pensions, savings/debts and mortgage details/rental contract to take with you. It's bloody hard to pull yourself together, but you need to find out your housing and financial rights for yourself and your daughter. This man is not to be trusted in any way, so you need to get informed and don't agree to anything before you have the legal advice. I'm so sorry this has happened. Terrible shock and I know you feel destroyed. I hope you have someone in your family to support you. You'll always get support if you post on here also.

This. Do exactly this.

And remember that while he’s out the house he will be making up his story about why it’s not his fault he had an affair - it’s your fault. He will come back to you at some point with this completely fabricated story so you need to be prepared for it.

It will be all about how inadequate you were as a wife and mother and why he had no choice but to cheat because she gave him all the things that you didn’t. And how he was actually doing you a kindness by not telling you, he didn’t want to hurt you, he couldn’t bear not seeing his child every day etc etc.

You need to know that this is part of The Script and its a pack of lies to blame shift. It’s NOT a your fault he had an affair. No I’m not saying you are perfect - none of us are. But any reasons (real or fabricated) that are bad enough to have an affair are bad enough to leave the marriage.

He had an affair because of his sense of entitlement- he thinks he has a right to have his cake and eat it. It’s a problem with him, not with you.

I’m telling you all this now so you are prepared emotionally.

Agree with what Ledkr posted. Ive been there too and you will get through it but the early days are heartbreaking and painful, so lean on your good friends and family that can support you, people who will be there for you at any time.
Im thinking of you, just reading your post took me back 25 years and I still know the feeling and the pain, but...you will find out that you are stronger than you think and after all the hurt comes an anger that will help you fight for yourself and your child.
Put yourselves first now, oh, and stay in your house, he has to go. The stability will be there for your DD.
and a hand hold for you x

Don't leave the house. Tell him to go to his Mistress house. You don't need to go to your Mother's. He is the one who is at fault so he can find other accommodation.

I'd prepare myself for begging. If he wanted your BF, he would have left you by now.

I’m so sorry OP! Some great advice on here! Contact legal advise, get all financial information together, do not move out.. he has to - be firm with this, do not listen to any excuse this AF has to say, have no contact with your ex Best friend and try to take one day at a time. And remember this was not your fault. Xx

That meant to be CF*

I was advised by well meaning friends that I didn’t need to do anything when I found out about my ExH’s final affair. Worst advice ever. It gave him time to get his ducks in a row, persuade me to keep his dirty secret from the family and joint friends and worm his way back in ‘for the children’.

When I finally came to my senses 5 years later, after having tied myself in knots trying to make the marriage work, I found I was battling a fairytale narrative amongst family and friends and he’d hidden buckets of money.

Even my own DM took his part initially. However, when I finally decided to LTB I have never felt such relief. I got got a good solicitor who found lots of his hidden money and who really worked hard for me.

I am now happily remarried, have a wonderful life and the truth is finally out there.

My advice to you is:

• Tell your friends and family.
• Make him tell your DD but make sure you are there when he does so you can support her and also know what she is told. It will stop him telling a pack of lies.
• Search for and copy every scrap of paper or online stuff relating to him and his finances and all joint household costs.
• See a solicitor ASAP.
• Make sure you have support IRL
• Look after yourself
• Expect a roller coaster of emotions that will go on for longer than you expect but know that you will get through this and life will be better.

I'm so sorry OP. The advice to use this time when he is out of the house to copy everything - bank statements, payslips, pensions, savings is very sensible.
You are more likely to get a decent settlement from him if you move quickly when he is still feeling guilty. And don't forget that he will be supported by her, and she has been through a divorce so will be able to give him the benefit of her experience.
Tell your friends and family, and ask for recommendations for a good lawyer. I know its the last thing you feel like now, but it could make a massive difference to your quality of life, and your daughter's in the future.

Speak to someone in real life.

Be prepared for both of them to turn ugly. They won't want to be portrayed as the bad ones so the narrative will shift to it being your fault. Speak to your friends and family first. Don't hide their dirty secret.

Get all financial paperwork in order. Take half out of any joint savings etc.

I’m so sorry. This sort of betrayal hurts so deeply. I think you should get a solicitor ASAP. It may also help if you’ve got screen grabs of the convo between them in case he denies it. I wouldn’t even bother wasting any energy contacting the said ‘friend’. She’s obviously not a friend if she can do that. Thinking of you 😘

What a horrible shock you've had. Lots of good advice on this thread. I seriously doubt he has actually gone to a hotel. It depends what tier you're in, but if it's three or higher he can't just go and stay in a hotel. He'll be with your ex friend weighing up what lies he tells who next.

This is the ultimate betrayal.

Take your STBXH for everything.
As for your so called friend - I personally would name and shame her to all and sundry.
Don't get mad OP get even.
Good Luck.

They are a pair of lying nasty cunts

This pretty much nails it.

Don't leave the house; you and your child stay.

Pack up his things and ask him to come get them; tell him you'll leave them outside at X date and time.

Can you speak to her ex-husband. If they did divorce due to this affair it’s very unfair you were not informed and given this information

@cakerequired, behaviour such as having an affair doesn’t affect any financial settlement in the eyes of the court. Knowing what was going on might make the (ex) friend’s ex feel better if he doesn’t know why his marriage broke up but it won’t change the financial agreement if it was court ordered.