Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

I have a friend this happened to. Her husband had an affair for 7 years with his best friend's wife, who was also one of her friends, although not her closest one. Their children were teens at the time.

She initially threw him out but then took him back a few months later. A few years on and they seem to have managed to rebuild their marriage. She still can't fully trust him.though. Personally, I wouldn't have been able to move on past the affair but she felt the marriage was worth saving.

What vile people. Your friend is disgusting and I do feel that people like this have personality issues or later in life feel very sad about what they have done. Rise above them both and you you will eventually emerge stronger

Do not move out the house!!!!

Get legal advice as soon as you can.

Hope you are ok Op
I just don’t know how some people sleep at night. Cheating on your wife with her best mate. A best mate who the Op supported during her divorce.

Don’t get in touch with either .
Don’t text don’t call.
Do you have joint accounts

The letter from the lawyer should do all the talking for now.
Take care..

Ex DH left me for BF - she was in an ‘unhappy’ marriage and he was a big of a rescuer
The double betrayal was terrible - I struggled for years as DC were little and had regular contact
I kept the house but had to buy him out and thus had a huge mortgage which was difficult as a lone parent
He was very difficult over CM and paid as little as he could - even giving up his job at one point to avoid payment
They got married
Years down the line BF cheated on him, he then cheated on next partner.......and so on
I feel best out of it - I have a wonderful relationship with my adult DC who hardly see their DF now, a great career, lots of friends and although never remarried have had relationships with lovely men
You will make it
It is not your fault
You are strong

Its the weekend..Try and spend some time doing nice things with your DD..

Depending where you are will you ..you can still do some nice things ar home.. children are a great distraction.

I wouldn't waste my breath on OW... she hasn't got any decency..Do you have any other friends to support you.

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through.
You say all you want now is to create the best life for your daughter.
Rightly so.
That's why it's very important that you use this time that he's out of the house to go through all paperwork and make photocopies (and take photos) of EVERYTHING.
Also get a solicitors appointment asap.
By doing these things you are more likely to get a good settlement for you and your child.
There will be a small window (a few weeks at the most) where he will be very civil and friendly) but it won't last.

Sorry to read about what has happened. I echo the suggestion of getting legal advice.

OP well done on being so brave. The fact that he was obviously with her last night says all you need to know from both of them. Don't contact either of them. I pray you get through this and come out stronger

No advice, aside from to rub chilli peppers in the inside of his underwear before packing it up. I am so angry on your behalf!! You have a beautiful daughter and he would rather spend time getting his leg over than spending time at home with her. And then, like a coward, off he runs to a hotel, where he is no doubt being consoled by that cow! So glad that you have taken control. And your daughter won't have to pick a side. Be dignified and calm and when she's older, she will see him for what he is - a let down.

I just don't know how either of them can sleep at night. It's a double betrayal.

I'm so sorry OP.

Thinking of you OP xx

Well done OP, I think you’re handling this very well. What an arse he is!

It might be worth contacting your ex-best-friend's ex husband. He might has a lot of evidence that helped with his divorce.

It's a shame. He didn't contact you at the time to tell you what had been going on. That's if he does in fact know.

My exh ended our marriage because of an affair but not with my friend that is a double betrayal. We had no DCs we had been doing ivf.

I thought I’d never get over it but I did. It was the making of me. I became a stronger, more independent person. I now have a new DP and a wonderful DS.

You will get through it. Take each day as it comes so you dont get overwhelmed. Think about fun things you can plan doing with DD.

Above all be kind to yourself.

This happened to me op, I’d spent years crying on her shoulder (he was a bastard and I should of ended things a lot sooner) then I found out they were together it had over lapped and they both dumped me it felt like. I got no answers they just deleted me and blocked me on everything.

I know exactly how it feels, you lose them both.
Strangely I’ve forgiven the friend whose no longer with him. (Having a baby made me see things differently and I missed her so much) she came back to me crying about what a bastard he was to her. He could charm anyone, he also made a room laugh.

Anyway things aren’t the same in our friendship now, it’s taken it’s toll. I am over my feelings about it all now.

Good luck op time heals everything I promise. Xx

So sorry OP. What a pair of CFs.

HE should be the one to move our (im sure he will go to her anyway). Keep your dignity and your house, get straight to a lawyer and divorce the pig for adultery. Get everything you deserve financially and then grieve xx

Good luck OP.

Op, so sorry you’re going through this, but well done for handling things so well when dealing with such a complete shock.
I’m thinking of you 💐

omg, the pain of such a huge betrayal must be almost unbearable. Sending you strength xx

They're both despicable cu.nts, OP. You are well rid.

I hope you have good support and have found a good solicitor

Be kind to yourself and your dd. Do things together that are nice, pretending that dad is away for work is fine for now.

Nice hot baths, some films on the sofa and good food, even cook things you'd both like that he wouldn't have

then take some time to think about what you want, you've had a large shock, and it will take some time to digest this situation you now find yourself in.

Moving forward how do you want your life to be? what do you want from life?

Will work stay the same? how do you see your dd and yourself moving forward into a new life, you need to gently decide if you want a new life and if you want to say goodbye to anytime of old life.

Then settle on the practicalities - first and foremost before a solicitor is maintenance and you can either do that directly through the new CSA or go to your ex if that is the case - he would need to wake up to the reality of his actions.

Take care of yourself first and foremost as if you're not well you can't take care of your dd, and its ok to cry in front of her - your human and she needs to know that