Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

[Lindsay1975]

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

@Lindsay1975

I am so sorry.

It happened to me, too, so know how stomach punching it feels is.

At least my ex went for a colleague...A ''Best friend'' is savage, and such a trope.

What a double betrayal.

So sorry.

Divorce solicitors will be doing so well out of the pandemic, sadly.

Phones these days are the oldskool ''Going through pockets''.

Your poor Daughter.

But..... in many cases these new 'affairs' founder after a few years.

A cheater will cheat....On them too.

Schadenfreude!

So sorry. The deception is brutal. It sounds like you are thinking logically about your future with your daughter. Put your daughter first and things will fall into place. You deserve a much better future and you will achieve it.

I'm so sorry. What an absolutely horrible thing to do to you and your dd. Hope you are okay.

@soopedup
This is exactly why I don’t let women into my home

Yeah, because those awful temptresses make it impossible for a man to be faithful...

Hi op
Been there got the t-shirt

She was my best mate, friends for over 35 years, bridesmaids, godparents, we'd speak most days, she knew everything about me and I though I knew her too.

The affair was short lived and over years before I found out. But they both hid it and carried on with family dinners, days out etc etc.

Realising she was never the friend I though she was hurt more than my husbands cheating. That isn't a popular position to have on here. The OW is always blameless on MN.

In your case the affair is ongoing, they have discussed him leaving you, she left her husband(or was dumped and he didn't tell you he knew). He walked when you confronted him.

Find real life support OP. Be open with people about the situation. Shine a light on their shitty behaviour.

Get legal advice and counselling.

There are some good websites
Survivinginfidelity helped me a lot

Truly sorry this has happened to you OP .Sounds like they deserve each other! A "Best friend" betrayal is almost as bad as DH /Adultery .FWIW she isnt the person you thought she was by a square mile! Take others advice here, and get your Ducks in a row /contact the Solicitors ASAP.They will be your "Best Friends " ATM! Sending hugs to you and DD xx

*I spend a lot of time on MN telling women in your situation to check out his pensions. Every single one assures me that there’s only one and it’s tiny or even that there’s none. They all say they only care about the house and he can have all the pension.

The last poster I said that to had £120k in their house. Turns out her husband had half a million in his pension*

Someone I know didn't get round to divorcing their ex for more than 10 years after they separated. They'd split the money from the house, but the pension etc just got overlooked. It was only when she was considering early retirement that she thought she'd better sort it.

She was hoping that her "share" might be as much as £50k. His fund was worth £700k, and she has a monthly pension that is more than she earned.

@Lindsay1975 I think your amazing. Not many women would find out what you have and handle it so well and the fact your main concern is the relationship your child has with him is a credit to you as a person. Stay strong they don’t deserve you and never ever feel humiliated what they have done to you is down right awful!

OP, you must be in shock, but you've had great advice on here, especially about the financials.

Definitely don't leave the house. If he pays the mortgage, he needs to keep paying it while you live there with your daughter. If he contributes to it, he needs to carry on. She has enough to deal with with him moving out, she doesn't need the upheaval of moving house as well.

He's a complete and utter shit and his bit on the side is even worse.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Hope you’re doing well, you’re going to be so much stronger after this. Hugs xx

Op if it's any consolation this happened to a very dear friend of mine but she had been married for 26 years. Her husband went off with a friend of hers but the relationship didn't last, apparently the reality of being together full time, plus the guilt they felt, or if not guilt, the fact the relationship was founded on lies and betrayal, and the fact that their families and colleagues all knew what they'd done, all added to its demise.

Ten years on, the father has a very fractured relationship with his children who haven't forgotten what he did, and is quite isolated while my friend is in a great relationship , although she says she will never marry again, and she is at the centre of her childrens' & granchildrens' world too.

Be strong op and please don't feel any humiliation. You have been lied to in the most horrible way and by rushing off, and avoiding your calls, your exdh and your ex friend have shown themselves to be cowards of the worst kind.

Well done for remaining so strong and dignified. However, if he does come back to collect his stuff, be sure to glue a couple of small items to the floor. Then, when he bends over to pick them up, take a run up and kick him straight up the arse! Stay strong. I'd also be tempted to stick a couple of your wedding photos and new born DD photos on top of his stuff to remind him just what he has chucked away!

@Lindsay1975 how are you?

[quote moanieleminx]@Lindsay1975 how are you?[/quote]
Thank you for checking up on me. I have started to get the ball rolling with a solicitor/divorce. His parents know and have actually reached out to me to say that they are ashamed of their son, which has been some comfort. Husband and OW has cut contact with me since the day I found out, and to be honest I prefer it that way. He came to collect the rest of his stuff while myself and DD were out on a walk four days ago. Only my mum was in the house, and she said he couldn't say one word her, just slithered in to get his stuff and back out again. Again, I can't thank you all enough for the advice you have given me about this awful situation, you are all wonderful ladies, and I hope you never have to deal with anyone like my ex husband or ex best friend.

Good to hear from you. Glad his parents reached out to you. You are doing so well.

Lindsay, I have been thinking of you. Thank you for updating. It sounds like Ex hasn’t even inquired about little DD. How shameful. He and OW are indeed a pair of snakes, completely without empathy or integrity. I’m glad that his parents have offered support and that you are moving forward. 🌻

@Lindsay1975 I hope you’re doing ok OP It will hurt right now but at least now you know what they’re capable of so that even when it comes to co-parenting, you can keep him at an arm’s length in case he tries crawling back.

He clearly has gone straight to her and didn’t do so straight after her divorce. She’ll always know that he’s only now with her because he had no other choice. Him not even speaking to your mother or even staying to speak to your DD or her for not making an effort to reach out, as she was your best friend and you had been there for her through her divorce, and just apologise for the hurt they’ve caused just shows how much they deserve each other, the heartless pair of twits. They’re such a cliché.

I hope you can get a solicitor’s advice so you can get everything you are entitled to, including pensions. I also hope that you were able to make a copy of all the financial documentation as he’s likely to take that with him.

Another survivor here. I just reached the other side after my exh betrayal, as in thought I was going to die when i found out, I'm now fine and meh about him, you will reach meh stage, it takes a while, approximately 2 years for me, ex had twins a few days ago with his mistress. Meh. Never thought I'd see that meh day but thank god it's finally here.
Wishing you so much love and strength for the journey you're about to go through. Stay strong, don't take the mf back and I cannot imagine the pain you're going through re the double whammy he cheated with a friend. I mean ffas xxx

While he may want no contact with you now, be careful once the money discussions start with solicitors. Far too many suddenly demand lots of contact time with their DCs simply to reduce the money they have to pay. My DSis’s solicitor once observed that her ExH seemed to view his DD as a money bargaining chip.

Hope you're ok OP. You sound incredibly strong! Well done xxx

So he hasn't seen or spoken to his DD either? He's a peach of a man. Well done OP on getting on with things and for telling your mum and accepting her support! Good luck.

Good luck and thanks for the up date!