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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found out my husband of 19 years has been having an affair

222 replies

Lindsay1975 · 02/01/2021 00:37

Hello everyone. I am in a state of shock right now and don't know what to do, but I've been a lurker on mumsnet for some time, and knew this is the only place I could turn to. Last night I went through my husband's phone and found out that he has been having an affair with a close family friend for at least four years. In their messages they talked about the times they have met up to have sex, and their plans to move in together. I don't have all the information, as when I confronted my husband about it he left the house straight afterwards, and is currently staying at a hotel to 'clear his head'. I am completely numb right now. We have a 7 year old daughter and I have told her that he left for a few days for work, but I'm dreading having to tell her that her daddy wont be living with her anymore. I feel so alone right now, the close family friend he has had the affair with was my best mate, she went through a very difficult divorce last year and I helped her through it, so it feels particularly awful that she would do this to me. Any advice is welcomed.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 02/01/2021 15:52

I said earlier that knowledge is power. Evidence is also useful.

It must be distressing but he will delete it/say you imagined it/she forced him or pressured him into it yadda yadda.

Evidence will show he was fine wafting his bits about until he got found out.

And indifference - not rage or crying - is the way forward. They have betrayed you terribly - don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you break.

Marshy86 · 02/01/2021 16:15

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through OP! Has he been in touch at all since he left ? And what a disgusting friend to lean on your during the divorce knowing what she was doing

BenoneBeauty · 02/01/2021 16:18

What a shit Op - so sorry you're going through this!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2021 16:21

I'm definitely not letting him get back into my life

You're very wise, Lindsay - too many of us did the opposite and lived to regret it, but you've clearly recognised there's no coming back from this appalling betrayal

I agree with all those who've said to lawyer up and fast, not least because he's already way ahead of you with the planning. Maybe they intended to make a go of it and maybe they didn't, but "what to do if you split" will certainly have been part of his thinking for some time

Overall, though, I'm just so sorry; it won't seem like it now, but you will get over this and probably find someone much more deserving of you in time

Onthedunes · 02/01/2021 17:15

Oh Lindsay, what you must be going through.

Your head must have so much going through it, so much information from wise ladies on here.

The fear at the moment must be gripping you and its at that point you just wish pandora's box had never been opened, wish things to go back to normal.
I agree you need some time to get over this initial huge shock, look after youself, try and eat small ammounts when you can and sleep whenever you can.
The mumsnet ladies are concerned about his intentions...

His ability to do this so cruely with your friend shows he's a special kind of evil, and so is she, we are worried about what they are capable of.

Do not give him the benefit of the doubt about anything that comes out of his mouth now.
So many of us have been there, thought we knew our husbands but they change.
You will not recognise him in the coming weeks.

Ask your mom or someone close to help gather information for you, you are too upset to think straight. You think the hurt cannot get worse but when they fight for their money, well lets just say you havn't seen anything yet.

If he has made plans to move on with her he will want to take as much as possible with him for their life together and so will she, you must prevent this for your daughters sake.

Dreadful people, I'm sorry you met both of them.
Forever more their names will be mud.

MachineBee · 02/01/2021 17:45

To all PPs saying no need to rush to a solicitor, I would politely disagree. January is a busy time of year for matrimonial lawyers so you need to find and contact a good solicitor quickly. Be prepared to wait for an appointment though, but making contact sooner rather than later is in both you and your DDs best interests.
Forgot to mention earlier to make copies of any pension information in his name - even old ones from previous companies. Best advice I got with my divorce was to go for his pension!

C0NNIE · 02/01/2021 18:00

@MachineBee

To all PPs saying no need to rush to a solicitor, I would politely disagree. January is a busy time of year for matrimonial lawyers so you need to find and contact a good solicitor quickly. Be prepared to wait for an appointment though, but making contact sooner rather than later is in both you and your DDs best interests. Forgot to mention earlier to make copies of any pension information in his name - even old ones from previous companies. Best advice I got with my divorce was to go for his pension!
This.

I spend a lot of time on MN telling women in your situation to check out his pensions. Every single one assures me that there’s only one and it’s tiny or even that there’s none. They all say they only care about the house and he can have all the pension.

The last poster I said that to had £120k in their house. Turns out her husband had half a million in his pension.

blackcurrantjam · 02/01/2021 18:02

OP you're a champion. Chumplady.com is excellent in situations such as this. I would personally either get a different/extra bolt, ask for keys and then if he actually moves out, change the locks immediately. Move money if there is any jointly owned. Don't move out. Dig heels firmly in. Fight for your future. Live your best life. What a pair of scumbags.

This WILL pass. You feel sick now which is totally appropriate and normal. But you won't forever. Do what you need to. Cry, curl up, go running, have a strong drink, TELL PEOPLE.

Best of luck. You can do this.
Flowers

ballsdeep · 02/01/2021 18:03

Op I'm so sorry. A double betrayal. How awful for you and what an absolute horrible pair they are.
I wonder if her husband knew and that's why they got divorced?

blackcurrantjam · 02/01/2021 18:05

Lindsay you are right when it says it has to be done. Find out everything so you know what you can about the truth of it. Follow your nose.

It's not you. It's him.

Lsquiggles · 02/01/2021 18:09

As if he's swanned off to clear his head like he's the victim, coward. Take him to the cleaners OP, he's not worth a single tear Flowers

Edgeoftheledge · 02/01/2021 18:10

Absolute shits

DonnaDonna01 · 02/01/2021 18:12

I admire the way your dealing with this. Be prepared though, now they know you know they will want to move quickly to make out it wasn’t their fault. Protect yourself op.

Sandals19 · 02/01/2021 18:25

This is exactly why I don’t let women into my home

Confused
Edgeoftheledge · 02/01/2021 18:31

This is exactly why I don’t let women into my home

I don’t trust anyone when it comes to my DH

XelaM · 02/01/2021 18:45

@Edgeoftheledge "This is exactly why I don’t let women into my home

I don’t trust anyone when it comes to my DH"

Grin So do you keep him chained to the bed to make sure he doesn't escape and accidentally run into a woman outside your home?

Clearly you have a lot of faith in your DH...

Trumplosttheelection · 02/01/2021 18:52

You need to be carful op. Tempting as it is to throw his stuff out etc, work out where you stand first. You want to keep the house, well how much equity, how much in his pension and in yours, how much in the bank? If the house is full of equity and after 19 years it could be, he will want some. Shag pads don't come cheap. Painful though it is, it's not always the right thing financially to instantly throw him out and force a confrontation.

VenusTiger · 02/01/2021 18:59

@Edgeoftheledge so in affect, you don't trust your DH either??

How can ppl honestly live like this? not allowing women into their home? what kind of setting is that for sons and daughters? 'every woman is a predator to your marriage kids!' Hmm get real. Affairs can happen/begin anywhere: work, ASDA, school-gates - blimey!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/01/2021 19:00

@Edgeoftheledge

This is exactly why I don’t let women into my home

I don’t trust anyone when it comes to my DH

You don't trust him at all then. How sad.
Trumplosttheelection · 02/01/2021 19:03

It's not just assets either, you need to know about debt. The last woman I know abandoned after a best friend affair was also left with a chunk of marital debt.

MollyButton · 02/01/2021 20:00

Re pension - my ex and I had about £1M in the house, but he had about £1.5 M in pensions (and lots of them from 3 years here and then 3 years there). So it easily adds up.
A good mediator or lawyer will suggest you get a proper report on the pensions, not just something from a non-specialist financial advisor which my Ex tried to use.

2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020 · 03/01/2021 13:28

Op I am so sorry to hear this Sad. I don't have any advice but sending you lots of love. Thanks

MsDogLady · 03/01/2021 20:53

How are you doing, Lindsay?

HollowTalk · 03/01/2021 20:54

Are you sure he was at the hotel? I would've driven round to her house to see whether his car was there, tbh.

HazelBite · 03/01/2021 22:47

What an almighty betrayal on both their sides.
Look after yourself OP Flowers

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