Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi craving, great title and it is.

Checking in!

clover I'm so sorry about Mr P. I'm the same that if someone pushes me away I take it really badly and see it as a reflection on me.

As horrible as it is the best thing you can do is give him space I think. I have depressive episodes but I would find comfort in having someone there, not everyone is the same though. Hope you are okay

@Dancerinthemoonlight
@sleepybunk
@HairyArsedMan
@Ruralbliss
@TheCatWithTheHat
@Wasail
@LongtimelurkerL
@Whoknows11
@WeWantTheFinestWines
@Eesha
@RhusTox @UtterSocks
@SortingItOut
@DudefromThatLondon
@crackofdoom
@Mayzee

Did I get everyone??? Sorry if I didn't x

@bangheadhere40
Glad you made it

Thanks craving 😊

I used to be on here a lot earlier in the year but took a break ( got pissed about by an EU headfuck)

I'm just starting again now and this board is such a huge help.

@thistooshallbe
@clovertoast
@slothmomma

This is like being on the guest list! 😊

clover please don't fall into the trap of a) thinking it's about you, or b) thinking you can fix it. You can be there for him if you're really up to it but he's going to have to sort himself out and while he's doing that you might not get what you need from him. Sorry, it's heartbreaking.

@WeWantTheFinestWines haha yes, I have my FOMO wristband. Thanks @craving.

@Clovertoast - is there any chance Mr P could get some therapy? I think you can get CBT on the NHS. Might help, particularly in conjunction with anti-depressants. Might also be worth talking to his dr about different anti-depressants if the one’s he’s taking are not working. This is a really bad time to have mental health problems, with covid and the time of year, as @SleepyBunk says everything is exacerbated. Sorry you (and him) are having to go through this.

Thank you everyone. I know you're right but oh it hurts.
Like a previous poster my abusive exdh " adored me " so I'm finding this so difficult.

He has just messaged me, told me he had a late night with the kids and is off to bed soon. In other words he's checking in but dont expect a chat

Thanks @cravingthelook.

@clovertoast it’s 100% him, not you. I would let him know you are stepping back a little while he works through his sadness. Don’t wait for a good morning text not to arrive - seize the initiative.

I am glad that I found you. I was just reading about @Clovertoast and the difficult situation they are in. I hope that after 11 months there is enough foundation and connection there to see you through Mr P's current low mood. Being pushed away must feel horrible and I know I would struggle greatly with that so your feelings and sadness are totally understandable. It seems he is being fairly honest and open with you and what you need to do is dig deep and trust that this is a blip rather than the beginning of the end. I think those of us going into new RS that don't yet have the permanency of living together or more shared links can feel sometimes like our connection is more fragile or disposable. Speaking personally having had the security of a long standing marriage I struggle with what can sometimes appear to be fairly flimsy ties holding me and Mr V together. When he's had some low times I felt very much like our RS would be the thing that would go as other stuff was a higher priority. But things shift and tough times with difficult memories pass. I really hope that Mr P's mood lifts a little now that Christmas and new year is behind us.

Checking in thanks @cravingthelook

You're all so supportive thank you xxx

Thanks for the new thread @cravingthelook and hope @Clovertoast can get some sleep tonight.

For anyone who's interested I did send my ex ghostly iron my olive branch of a hilarious one liner text plus good wishes for 2021 and a link to a funny Youey thing earlier today.
I immediately archived the chat and put it to the back of my mind.

To-date he hasn't sent one back. It didn't need a response & not getting one makes me rethink my view of 'Awww he was a good guy who didn't have the heart to end it properly with me' and instead just think he was a plonker I should never have even gone on a first date with after first phonecall was monologue about him.

Massively helpful as any glimmer of a spark of a candle j still held for him has been fully extinguished and I'm glad I'm me not him with his weird broken seats.

Yay.

MrGeog has been asking of my relationship history and I'm maintaining a very matter of fact 'We drifted apart' (XH) and 'just haven't met the right person yet' re short term dalliances post marriage.

@Eesha I can't see anything with you having toddlers to put MrYoga off. Surely if he think he wants kids then hanging out with a woman who knows the reality of parenting is a good thing.

And anyway it's often far less about circumstances but much more about the person.

Meanwhile my bad mad sad flat earther iron of lockdown #1 has texted in to say thsnks for everything we had and it still hurts him a lot that we didn't make it but all the best for 2021 and I immediately sent one back with a link to a new album I think he'll like.

That how nice caring non-wankers communicate after being A Thing for a few months. Not by ignoring and not replying to texts.

I think it's probably time I delete ghostly irons number & block and unfriend from Fbook.

Mr P just sent me a good night text and a rant about his exw that I couldn't help responding to. I'm basically cheer leading again to make him feel better.
I don't know what the hell to do anymore. Its just stressful and I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be

@Clovertoast

I’m sorry to hear the turn of events but don’t allow yourself to be used solely for venting of the ex. It’s unhealthy and unsustainable,

It sounds like you need to give him some space to work through what he needs to.

@Clovertoast

You can stay connected but put your own mental health first here - send back supportive but neutral messages (maybe think about delaying replying by a couple hours?) .

Don’t problem solve or analyse for him. Do things like go for a walk and leave your phone at home.

It's one-way traffic clover. Step away. Breathe. You should be more than a sounding board in his life. Step away from the phone, take stock and consider your own needs. Support him, be there for him if you think he's worth it, but know your own worth too.

@Clovertoast, do you feel like you and Mr P have a usually good relationship? I have been on the thread for nearly a year and usually you pop up when he's doing something that is making you feel unsettled. Previously it was not introducing you to his family and prioritising decorating his house over seeing you. It's also his first RS post end of marriage and he hadn't anticipated getting involved again so soon ? Have I remembered correctly? Does it feel that you have made progress or do you feel like he's still processing stuff ? It seems to me he's fond of you but the line between friend and lover is getting blurred. He is offloading about something you would/ should discuss with a friend or relative and not your new partner. Unless you both do this and it's an accepted feature of your relationship ? Is he supportive of you when you have things on your mind ?

@Onesmallstep67 you have remembered correctly yes. It's also my first RS since the end of my marriage too.
I often wonder if I was so happy to meet someone " nice " and " decent " that wasnt abusive that I have actually let massive potential issues pass.
If I am honest I think he's still processing the divorce. Although, literally in the last few months he has made progress in analysing his rights as a partner and I think I helped with that.
He is generally supportive to me apart from the time he got angry when he thought I wasnt taking my parenting seriously. He apologised for that.
He also made a comment about me being stupid for allowing ex DH stopping me from learning to drive which I pulled him up on.
Ex Dh was abusive and paranoid and I currently have a non molestation order against him so.i actually feel proud of how far I've come!

I think generally this blip has made me look at things that are bothering me:
He hardly ever kisses me
We haven't said I love you
Hes stopped " bothering " around me. Showering, dressing up etc
He mentions the exw pretty much everytime we see each other.
Our dates are always always at home in his house and I cook dinner
I feel like I'm used as filler for when he doesn't have his kids
He's never told me he loves me
He tells me his future is bleak and he has nothing to look forward to.

Eurgh thats a crazy list.....

His rights as a parent that should say!

@Clovertoast those things would bother me long before 11 months.

If someone doesn't kiss me or be affectionate... I'm done. But my exH was never affectionate so I swear I'm not going back to that.
Also the showering/dressing up thing is important to me, even 10 years in I do that!

Thanks for the new thread cravingthelook

clovertoast I'm sorry that you're going through this and are upset but I agree you need to step back and give him time to deal with his issues himself. This is not all about him either - during this time you need to continue to consider whether he's actually giving you want you want and whether he truly makes you happy? Your list above doesn't make for great reading but only you know whether the positives outweigh the negatives. Do not be scared to step away and start again if you arrive at the conclusion he isn't offering what you need as there is likely someone out there that will.

@Clovertoast i think what resonates with me is that post an abusive relationship, you almost feel lucky to have found someone you think is normal and you really want to keep hold of him regardless of that huge list of issues. To me, it sounds like he has some depression and unresolved issues with his ex etc and you are just more of the emotional sounding board rather than a girlfriend he wants to make an effort with. I don't think it's unsalvageable but I think it would be healthy for you to stay a step back and try and regroup. I feel I was a sounding board for my ex because of his hatred of his ex and actually those times of flaring up whilst showing a usual decent facade, was actually a red flag. But I felt so lucky to have found someone 'decent' and normal and I ignored things. I did the same and really tried to help him but actually it was/became one way. Try and take yourself out mentally and see whether this really is for you.

@Ruralbliss I think Mr Yoga feels like he should be married with kids and life hasn't taken that path for him. He was with his ex for years and no kids because it was never the right time. He never had any real long relationships of substance. I don't want more kids personally as I've done this alone since almost day 1 plus I'm older. I think if my ex wasn't on the scene at all, Mr Yoga would think differently of adapting to being there for my kids. I think he knows we have a great chemistry etc but I guess it's whether to give this up and start again. He says he hates online dating plus I'm sure he would have been more successful just meeting people normally in real life, which we can't really do now. Personally I think we are a good match because I think we have weathered many storms during these weird times, still been really happy and have had an amazing connection but at the same time, I know the pull of children can be a big thing. Hes autistic and he talks about parenting and kids a lot so I know he would love to put all that theory into practice. Its a shame really as we are happy but perhaps the odds were against us from day 1! I'm seeing him later today anyway and whilst we are not splitting, I guess like @clovertoast, it's making me take a mini step to see what life would be like without each other.