Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks all - oh yeah and @Eesha yes i'm still swiping (not getting anywhere but that's another thing entirely lols).

@Onesmallstep67 and @SortingItOut this is my thinking, it's not like we live around the corner from each other either (not far but I mean i'm sure he could see a friend who lives closer if he wants company) - I swing wildly between thinking he must like me and then the other way. No we haven't spoken about dating sites since maybe date two - I haven't seen him online on the one we met on in the last month or so (obv he could be on at a time when i'm not!) - good advice on a check in like that in person over the weekend.

No I haven't asked @Notcoolmum - I don't want to be the pushy one about that - i'd rather he asked me out/kissed me etc etc so i'd be sure he actually liked me rather than was just responding to being asked/being kissed. But maybe i'm just being stupid

@SleepyBunk thanks - and yes you're right - there's no rush.

Hope the job stuff comes good and glad Mr C is being supportive and lovely.

@LongtimelurkerL agree with other posters, it's very difficult to guage things when you've been love bombed in the past. My ex was all hearts and flowers when we met that and I've certainly thought if it's not like that, I feel like they can't like me that much. That said, your iron is going for walks and texting you regularly which does mean interest so when you meet him, just see where things are going and then you can decide.

In normal times I'd be the same @LongtimelurkerL but given this is unsettling you I might bite the bullet and ask. Certainly the lockdown changes things like if I was dating now I'd need to be absolutely clear on exclusivity in a way I'd have pulled back from pre Covid. Limiting our chain of contacts is so important.

Yeah I just don't know how to without looking like a weirdo @Notcoolmum!
Swing between wanting to be all cool and just see what happens like @SleepyBunk says and then want to be the kind of strong woman who asks for what I want/deserves clarity ARGH

@LongtimelurkerL i would just ask when you see him. Depending what happens at yours, I would ask him whether he's interested in being more than friends as you weren't getting the vibe that he wanted more. At least then you can move on if it's not what he wants. You need to get it clarified whether you're just a companion or more.

SleepyBunk and HeartBeats0708 re HR Man - yes his texts can be a bit prickly! To be honest I don't hold out much hope for him as he had to move back to Midlands from London after he almost lost his business which was based in London. He's not a great option being twice divorced with 4 kids and the prickly comments have really put me off him LOL.

LongTimeLurker - with walks I find - if they're long but they seem keen at the end of them then that means they like you. The last man I had long walks with and a pub meal with definitely wanted to invite me back either after the pub lunch or next time we met for 'the next step', pity I didn't feel the same way.

SleepyBunk - agreed with others - hope job stuff comes good and its nice Mr C is being supportive and nice!

Honestly last thing any of us need right now is worrying job stuff!

@LongtimelurkerL, there's a lot to be said for some nice company in this current climate and I'm sure you may not want to give that up. I guess it depends how invested in him you feel and if it becoming a romance is the only way you want it to go. For me, if something is playing on my mind it's very difficult to just relax and enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't want to be building my hopes up romantically if the iron wasn't feeling that. I think being alone inside for the first time will at least give you both the opportunity to interact in a different way.

@Eesha i'm hoping we'll kiss and then it'll be obvious he does in fact like me and then i'll know - can progress to actually asking stuff about apps etc etc.

Hmm @CleverCatty he doesn't sound great - prickly texts??! We've been on 5 walks now and we text and have had two long (nearly 2 hour phone calls) so maybe he just wants a friend but I hope not!

Yeah @Onesmallstep67 but i'm not looking to collect friends - i'm looking for a boyfriend/partner. Hopefully being inside will help as you say and I can get some clarity without asking outright.

Everyone keep your fingers firmly crossed for a kiss! (please)

Longtimelurker - 5 walks, texts and long phone calls - hmmm - I'd be thinking he maybe wants a friend?

with mine and prickly texts he is definitely going in the 'no' pile - I can't be doing with prickly texts.

@CleverCatty stay away!!!! He sounds awful! I remember one date told me to 'stop being so pathetic' when I wouldn't go home with him. You can do much better.

@LongtimelurkerL How old is he?

Thanks @CleverCatty I’m applying for postgrad places so it’s all pretty competitive and time consuming. I’d love to not be juggling money and deadlines and temp jobs that don’t really suit me!

But I think taking a step back and reviewing the holistic picture is also helpful - as long as I “vaguely” move in the right direction over the next two years whilst staying reasonably sane that’s the main thing!

It’s a bit of a dating issue - as I was a mature student later on guys I meet can expect me to be a bit more practically settled in life in terms of location/work/money and all that?

Whereas I want the cool fulfilling career first and the dates second.

But it is what it is - I get the vibe a lot of guys I meet would be happier if I worked as an office or sales manager type on £25k a year to make their lives easier (which is what I was mainly qualified to do before).

Or that I’d make a good “career supporter” wife.

But I don’t want that so meh, tinder will still be working in five years time.

Eesha

What with HR man and the other one I had the dates with. The other one I had the dates with on our first date expressed sympathy with Jimmy Savile (god knows how we got onto that subject!) and said he'd (Jimmy) had been the subject of a witchhunt, I should've run then... The latter man I saw on OKC the other day LOL.

@CleverCatty - oh you think so? Do men do that?

He's early 30s like me @SleepyBunk - good priorities you've got there. I'm doing well on the career aspect so now want the dating bit as well!

@CleverCatty for me, a lot reveal alcoholic tendencies even though it's spelt out that I don't really drink and not looking for big drinkers. I think they use me to prove to themselves that they aren't heavy drinkers.

@CleverCatty

Lol I think all the nutcases get rejected by everyone so tend to be more active on apps. So using them
is a very skewed view of society, a bit like Twitter for politics

That said I definitely think they’re a great tool overall - it’s quite reassuring thinking they’re there to use, as often it’s so hard to get into new social groups if you don’t have the big sociable employer or uni group!

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@CleverCatty - oh you think so? Do men do that?

He's early 30s like me @SleepyBunk - good priorities you've got there. I'm doing well on the career aspect so now want the dating bit as well![/quote]
Sadly men do do that! If you mean the long walks and stringing it out!

I think there is a key difference between normal times and lockdown @LongtimelurkerL if I'd not had a snog in 5 dates in normal times I'd assume a lack of interest and have moved on or be exploring other options. So I do think there is a case for more directness. Hope the next days goes well and you get a kiss and /or clarity.

Eesha - agreed with alcoholic tendencies - the 'Jimmy' supporter started off by not drinking much (he'd not long had his appendix removed in an emergency op) then when he texted me it'd say quite a few beers etc - more e.g. than I'd drink (I don't drink) when I was out!

Actually yes, I've seen a few profiles state that they 'rarely' or 'never' drink - and I look at those and go - either 'ex-alcoholic' or 'liar'!

My DF (dad) was an alcoholic and so was stepdad (functioning one) so I know that people can have drink problems and nothing wrong with that but don't make out you're a saint by not drinking!

The other Tinder guy messaging me who went back to his ex - he was regularly having large glasses of wine in the evening after work - not for me - but I think he was just bored.

SleepyBunk - yes to nutcases who are rejected by everyone but tend to go on apps - especially in 'Jimmy's' case - when me and a couple of friends debriefed him we realised he probably had had not much relationship experience in the past and that's why he was weird/nutcase!

@CleverCatty yeah I know men string you along/ghost after sex etc etc in normal times - I more meant in covid times. I think like @Notcoolmum that covid and walking only has made it very weird. I'm going to either initiate a kiss or say something like someone suggested up thread - 'I've been enjoying getting to know you again, what are thinking about being more than friends'

Everything I think to say sounds awful....

[quote LongtimelurkerL]**@CleverCatty* yeah I know men string you along/ghost after sex etc etc in normal times - I more meant in covid times. I think like @Notcoolmum* that covid and walking only has made it very weird. I'm going to either initiate a kiss or say something like someone suggested up thread - 'I've been enjoying getting to know you again, what are thinking about being more than friends'

Everything I think to say sounds awful....[/quote]
I would try to initiate a kiss or something. You could say something but I always find that's really hard... probably suggesting stuff, maybe flirting via text before you say something?

Next date if walking - I know this sounds silly but maybe wear warm skirt/dress, slight heels, maybe brighter lipstick etc? Sounds old fashioned but sometimes I've found if men see you've made a bit of an effort (not saying you haven't done before!) it gives them the green light, kwim?

It was funny - with my 5 dates man - he was very keen at end of first date, kissed on cheek then and on the second date I kissed him briefly on lips (we had both had a drink) then the next one he pounced like an unfed big cat....

@CleverCatty thanks - he's coming to mine over the weekend so finally not a walk!! I'm hoping he might make a move...I would love him to pounce if I pluck up courage to do a brief kiss on the lips!

I made a new thread as I think this is the last message in this one - hope that's ok....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4147426-Dating-Thread-199-Come-on-2021?watched=1