Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Yes @Clovertoast it makes a lot of sense.
You go and now the rose tinted goggles have become unstuck take a more objective observation of how he is with you & see what you feel (and let us all know)

It's your gig, not ours. You are the only one who is actually living this.

Hope you have a nice time. We're here for you when you get back & review your findings.

@WeWantTheFinestWines it's a new emerging insight whether it's the difference between being dumped rather than wanting them.

I never particularly wanted my first post marriage iron or the last one as knew from the off they weren't anything other than dalliances as actively chose to ignore a multitude of red flags with both.

But instead of calling it myself allowed whatever I had to limp on with their interest obviously waning to zero then had/have a proper problem moving on mentally.

With the one who's interest reduced obviously that I called out by asking him directly with his now infamous'Yeah I suppose I have gone off the boil. Can we still be friends?'
I showed him the door, felt sad for two days then picked myself up and moved on.
He was far more lovely and funny, talented, generous blah blah than Mr VW or his narcissistic predecessor and yet their rejection (both ghosters as it happens too) did more damage to my ego/psyche.

Personally I'm going to assume this is a way to avoid future anguish.

Don't ignore the obvious signs that it's not got a future and be brave enough to be the one to call it out else be subjected to someone else lamely rejecting me which even though in my heart I know it's coming then feels so much worse.

#armchairpsychology

Thank you @Ruralbliss that actually made me a bit emotional.
As an aside I have no clue what's happening as he read my "ok I'm ready when you are " message at 4.50pm and hasnt replied since.......

Don't ignore the obvious signs that it's not got a future and be brave enough to be the one to call it out else be subjected to someone else lamely rejecting me which even though in my heart I know it's coming then feels so much worse

I really really want to be brave enough to do this.

I'm sorry I know I'm taking up a LOT of the thread today.
Its interesting noticing how I'm feeling. I've just got ready, showered, make up on etc, I look good if I say so myself. I used to be so excited to get dressed up and go out, now I'm dressed up to go round to his house and watch tv.
Hmmm
And also to spend the evening with a man who has already warned me he wont be much fun this evening. I know you cant be up all the time, but this has been weeks and we're only 11 months in right?

@Clovertoast I hope it goes ‘well’ and helps you work out what you’re feeling

I’m so confused so require everyone’s help!! Another 5 hour walk with MrLongWalks - STILL NO KISSING OR TOUCHING!! Wtaf - I had messaged him earlier in the week saying - literally, explicitly - ‘I’ve never been on 3 dates with someone who didn’t want to kiss me’ and he said he was attracted to me and wanted to see where things go.... I mean it’s very hard to work out when/how to kiss when walking and then with masks on as we say goodbye - any insights anyone???

Has he still not messaged @Clovertoast?

That's really I'll-mannered. I assume like most folks he has phone with him most of the time.

If he texts anything other than 'I'm here' or 'outside now' (he said he'd collect you yes?) if he tempted to say 'Oh sorry I can't come now made alt plans' and leave him hanging.

I know it's game playing but really he's not treating you well.

If he presses for details you could either ignore him or say 'Watching a film with kids' or 'Having a phone cal with XYZ mate'

I don't usually advocate lying to anyone but he should start to realise you do have a life outside of him and can easily make alt plans when he behaves flakily (at best, disrespectfully at worst)

@Clovertoast you (and everyone else on this thread) deserve to be with someone who appreciates you. Who would notice and compliment you on dressing up, who would be looking forward to seeing you. Who would say "you know what, I've had a rubbish time recently, but I'm going to forget all that this evening and enjoy our time together".

This isn't "nice to have" in a relationship I don't think - it's the foundations of one.

Good luck for tonight! I hope he turns things around and you have a good time, but if not I hope it brings some clarity to your thoughts.

@LongtimelurkerL you were wearing masks whilst walking? How did it end? Awkwardly?

I just can't imagine this but then haven't met anyone during pandemic lockdowns

@Ruralbliss no masks whilst walking no. Lots of banter/mutual teasing/laughing/no awkward silences. Ended in train station with masks on running for a train...think it’s just because it’d be hard to random stop mid sentence/mid walk to grab someone - sounds ok in a romcom but not in real life

Oh and he said ‘see you soon?’ At the end

@LongtimelurkerL after 5 hours walking in this weather, I think my lips would be frozen solid!

Was there no flirting, eye contact or any positive body language at all?

I'm quite shy, and find it hard to make the first move to kiss someone. But if anyone made it as clear as you did by sending that message, I would definitely have made a move at some point.

@LongtimelurkerL still no snog???? This is madness. Given that a relationship takes two people to get it off the ground, and neither of you have done so, I would suggest you are perhaps just not compatible?

I’m a great believer in getting in first with calling time on a relationship that is not meeting your needs. To do so of course you must fully understand what your own needs are, and what makes you sad/frustrated/anxious. These things, not the other person’s feelings or needs, are what is important. Always.

I used to hate long, complex early messages. For me it was always the back and forth, the spark. And if a total stranger messaged me with ‘How’s your weekend been?’ I’d think ‘why are they asking, they don’t know me so they can’t possibly care how it’s been, so they’re fake’. Just ‘hi’ is far more authentic in my book.

I can't speak for all guys, but if I was him, I'd have been thinking all through the 5 hours "she wants me to kiss her, where/when can I make my move". It wouldn't take much to say - let's just stop here a moment. So you say you've never had 3 dates without being kissed. Well, we can't make that 4 can we...

Sorry to say, but from what you say, he's either really really shy, or just not that into you.

Thanks @TheCatWithTheHat and @ThisTooShallBe I think we are definitely compatible and yes to flirting, eye contact and body language. I think there were possibly some moments where it nearly happened but I potentially ruined it by moving etc. I feel like I was in that zone @thecat and should have just gone for it. Kicking myself now....

I’ve not tried to kiss him either I guess....

@LongtimelurkerL, I would ask him straight, is he not kissing you only because of Covid ?. Say that you feel it's the next natural step. If however you are happy to keep going on the walks and developing more of a connection then leave things as they are. Do you feel like you want to have a good old snog with him ? Does he flirt with you? If you think you would be heading back onto the apps if the chemistry isn't there then I would be pushing things with him. Or say that you'd rather wait to see him again until you can get closer on a proper date.

Bloody hell @LongtimelurkerL this is way out of my sphere of experience & knowledge.

Every single first date I've had usually ended with me being tongued down (sorry I'm still in the sixth form in my head hence the ridiculous language 🙄😂) even when I haven't wanted to be so I've ended up laughing.
But then that was pre-Covid.

In your shoes I'd have probably be playing it like @TheCatWithTheHat said despite being the woman.
A line I've used in the distant past is something like 'Errrr can we do kissing now please?'

Writing the above para has triggered find memories of being kissed mid sentence passionately and fabulously in the pub car park by my last iron the ghostly MrVW who as it happens whilst writing this has finally written the following text response to my olive branch of a funny text sent yesterday afternoon.

'Sorry Happy New Year. Are you ok? X'

I'm going to archive that chat immediately & have got less than zero inclination to respond.
Wtaf putting a 'x' at the end...
Numpty

Good though that he's less of a wanker in my head now for not totally ignoring me. And still a possibility that I could have him in my extended tribe when our worlds stops being locked down. Not for me as a bf but as a mate maybe

MrGeog bless him is getting all anxious about tomorrow's date zero in a Tesco car park. I fear he's put me on some sort of pedestal which is a shame. Hope I don't disappoint him.

@Onesmallstep67 I certainty want to kiss him yes. Do you mean ask in person?

@Ruralbliss yes me too - I’ve never not been kissed end of date if I’ve felt something (but yes pre covid) - I wish I’d just gone in for the kiss tbh - feel pretty stupid....I think it’s just a case of us both just missing the moment. I think I’m going to let him arrange another date, if he wants and then just kiss him against his will if necessary - at least then I’ll know.... or is this a stupid idea?

Aww @Ruralbliss at MrGeog that sounds sweet and I hope MrVW disappears from your dreams

@LongtimelurkerL - you should have got something in your eye. . Tbh, I’d just tell him you want to kiss him. Would work on me.

@Ruralbliss - did he take it literally?

lurker I'm a bit of a dating shape shifter so I can go from being hugely flirtatious and fearless to being very much the opposite. I am guessing that Mr Longwalks isn't make you feel like you can lay it on him ? Would you rather have 6 more walks with no kiss or risk getting close on the next in person date and saying ooh I need warming up... take me now gorgeous!

@LongtimelurkerL

I think with being respectful/not wanting to be seen as a creep a lot of guys won’t make the first physical move, so my vote would be to just get in there!

Both my irons I grabbed them and kissed them first - it doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to me?

Haha @DudeFromThatLondon I should have yes. I thought I’d made it clear with that text!

I think you’re right @SleepyBunk and @Onesmallstep67 I’m pretty sure he does fancy me and he was clearly trying to be a bit romantic - he said he wanted to get to a bridge for sunset (id mentioned I like them, most people do) so I think he had a plan that didn’t work. I hope he’s also kicking himself now! I’m just going to go for it next time - if there is one (again pretty sure there will be - weirdly feel less anxious about a next day even though no kiss!) - waiting for him to text me though

Sorry to burst in on your thread but what does FOMO stand for?