Dating Thread 198 - FOMO is a real thing

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

That is a bug bear of mine too @TheCatWithTheHat

Also guys who just say hi. I have written a short intro about myself, there is easily something they could ask or tell me about themselves to make it more interesting. This is what I do if I initially message someone, so sort of expect a bit more than hi really! It doesn’t scream that they are interested does it?!

Also, just unmatching mid chat is rude. You can send a polite thanks but no thanks message. It says more about them and that you have dodged a bullet there potentially...

@kerkyra persistence, and lots and lots of swiping! I have no idea how many profiles I've looked at over the last week or two, but it must be many hundreds now!

Sometimes I worry that I may ask about meeting too soon, but I figure if we've been chatting well for 2/3 days then it makes sense to at least suggest meeting. There does seem to be a fine line between being too keen, and not keen enough - which is different for everyone, so is really hard to judge!

If someone has something in their profile, then I'll always comment on it, and ask a question to make it easy for them to respond. If I like someone's photos, but they've not made any effort to write anything in their profile I'll just send a fairly generic "Hi, how are you - have you been up to anything exciting this weekend?" type message if we match, but never just "hi". That's just lazy and unoriginal. Maybe it works if you're Brad Pitt, but the rest of us have to work a bit harder

I actually think lockdown makes it quite easy to start a productive conversation/chat.

If you begin with “how’s lockdown been for you?” you can get a good idea of their schedule and commitments as well.

Plus it’s quite a nice “vague” topic that’s not too intense - I often feel it’s better to “go in soft” and pick up information rather than ask direct questions.

Good luck to everyone taking one for the Seeking Love team and getting out there soonish 💪🏽🤞😘

I’m not going anywhere due to the ice have some more medical appointments and deadlines.

MrC has checked in a few times from the high seas and I might meet MrMilitary but have killer application deadline so that takes priority.

Both MrC and MrMilitary are technical sciencey (though they’re a bit more hands-on types with big bits of equipment and I
prefer theoretical) so I might get them checking/giving feedback on my applications.

Hands-on types with big bits of equipment...ooo errr bunk 🤣🤣

I never reply to generic messages, whether they're 'hi' or 'how's your day been?' It just feels like a mass-distributed approach that's probably gone out to hundreds.

But I also never send them. I don't message men with no wording so there's always something to comment on that proves I am targeting them in particular. And I've got lots of conversation openers in my profile so it's easy to make it personal to me. But then - hardly any dates, so that'll teach me.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Trouble is my flatmate does all my DIY (to be fair I’m open to doing it myself but I have no strength with illness)

so I haven’t got any good excuse to have them over with their shirts off being manly in exchange for a cup of tea and a kiss (that sounds like a bad 80’s soft porn film storyline)

I actually don’t personally have an issue with “hi” initial messages (age group 20s and 30s).

I reckon they’re basically testing the waters as most people won’t reply so subsequent chat is where it all happens?

On bumble I just did a wave emoticon or a hi as a lot of messages got no reply imagine it’s the same for blokes?

I’m generally interested in people, I just think the time to show it is after there’s some reciprocation of interest.

I guess as I’m normally just seeing if there any any red flags before setting up meeting I’m not really that interested in huge discussions or “flirting” comments -

maybe it’s my ASD but I don’t really want to text flirt with someone I’ve never met it feels a bit like the road to overinvesting?

If the profile is attractive and they’re reliable and polite I prefer that to overly effusive messages - it makes more of a good impression if they’re reliable and setting up the first meet is easy

bunk sorry you don't have much opportunity to be a damsel in distress - didn't have you down as the damsel-type anyway, more badass woman...

I don't want effusive messages, just some inkling that if I respond, I'll get a message back. Which seems more likely if I'm not the 24th 'hi' he's sent today in the hope that one will stick. I think I've gone way past knowing my worth to overvaluing myself 🤣🤣

@Clovertoast honestly my lovely I think you should call it. Tell him you're done. Leave him be.

You're close to my age & I had an XH who sounds identical to MrP for 20 yrs. thought he was my soulmate but actually the kids and I just tiptoed on eggshells and yes being in the car for whatever reason were the tensest times.

I stayed because I had no idea I was in an abusive relationship and yes we did have occasional good times (when it suited him) but mainly Xmas, birthdays etc were ruined by his moods and self centred.
He was gorgeous, charming, clever, funny, cool, tall, athletic, nice family, big earner.

You will fill the void he leaves but it would be filled with you and stuff you enjoy.

And you're more likely to meet someone nicer than MrP now than in a few years (that may be bollocks..:)

I've been thinking today that it's the ones I didn't bin off that still occupy my brain in a dysfunctional way.

I think if I'd had the strength of character to say 'Actually this & you are not what I'm looking for - bye 👋' instead of hanging on in there & staying despite the multi red flags I'd be free of them.

I never give a moments thought to the ones I was proactive about leaving and this included my XH of many years.

I'm wondering if it will give you a better chance of good mental health if you woman up and tell him '👋 I'm out. Thanks for all the good times. Best of luck with everything.'

I kind of see the first “hi” on apps as the same as the “wink” used to be on match.com - it’s basically lightly checking if you’re up for chat/mutual contact?

Initially I though a mutual swipe/matches was the same as a wink but actually I don’t think it means that much as it’s just an initial filter.

I expect someone’s done a scientific analysis/dissertation on this

I only send a generic "how's your weekend been?" type message if there's nothing else to comment on. Fortunately though that's rare - there's often a photo from somewhere that looks interesting, or a comment in their profile that makes it easy to say something and ask a question.

I'd say half of the messages I get on Bumble start with a "hi" but I just see that as an opening to start the conversation so it doesn't bother me too much. Although a message that shows they've read my profile does always make a better first impression.

Everyone has their own message style, and I try to match the other person. If it's short messages, I won't write lengthy ones back, however I've had some chatty matches where we write volumes to each other. Given I'm still single, I wouldn't say either approach has it's advantages

The main thing for me is seeing if we like each other enough and have enough in common to want to meet in person, and also to reassure her that I'm relatively normal, and not some sex-craved maniac or worse.

Then once a date is arranged, it's also a delicate balancing act to show I'm still interested without being overbearing. What's everyone's views on keeping in touch before a date that might be arranged for a week or so in the future? Would you expect an iron to be in touch every day or two?

Yes, I would expect an iron to be in touch still even if a date planned. If not I would wonder if it was even still on!

Considering joining Hinge, pof is just awful...do people find they get better results on there at all?

@TheCatWithTheHat

I’d say with pre-date contact just be yourself - maybe once every few days do a “how are you?” message if meet is in two weeks

and check in before you make any preparations to make sure they’re still on?( so night before or on the day)

It’s a fact that some people are just naturally as flaky as fuck (and there’s no way of screening them out without sounding aggressive or putting normal people off?)

so I’d just check in before you invest time or organise transport or pick clothing.

Ultimately I reckon it’s one of those things where you can’t have complete control - there’s no way of “convincing” someone to meet you if they’re the type to cancel for a better option, just stay cautious and don’t overinvest early on.

I’d say some people are more comfortable just continually whatsapping/being spontaneous but that isn’t really my social style for meeting new people.

@TheCatWithTheHat
I don't continue with one worders early on in the messaging as they clearly aren't as chatty as I am or up for it.

All my romances have opened with funny long messages.

I let all the others slide.

@DudeFromThatLondon yes ex-iron will be given infinite time to reply to my nice friendly fun olive branch text as I've not got it in me to block anyone ever.
He won't though. Thus proving he's ill-mannered and not at all nice.

Hopefully knowing this now will allow my brain to stop bloody well making a fantasy version of him be the centre of all my dreams.
Every bloody night.
Last night we strolled round Glastonbury (festival not town) with our arms round each other looking at stalls and buying stuff for each other.
It was great. Wtf?

I had an iron ask me, after we'd arranged date zero, if we could still keep chatting. I thought that was really sweet, and we did, and he was, and date zero was steamy AF but still lots of chatting in between dates. We're stil friends. Which is irrelevant, but nice.

rural daydreams or actual dreams? I don't dream of anyone at night, but in my daydreams they all return, wanting me back 🤣

This is a nice thread of you haven't already seen

How was it different with the right person? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4122714-How-was-it-different-with-the-right-person

@WeWantTheFinestWines

You know what, that’s actually a GREAT communication/dating tip (makes notes)

Just ASK someone if they are comfortable to keep chatting/what their contact preferences are?

Or say if you prefer a lot of chats. Or if you’re not a big chatter.

Some people might not respond well

but if we’re meeting people with a view to a longer term productive interaction (hopefully making each other a bit happier!) knowing what they like and don’t like is all part of that

@WeWantTheFinestWines actual full on cinematic all night dreams. Every night for weeks now. It's the weirdest thing.
I sort of don't mind as they're nice dreams.

Never had this before. Well once when I got dumped aged 18 by a bad cocktail barman.

As I was saying to @Clovertoast I think there maybe a link between being the dumper or dumpee that is the difference between dire of great mental health in the weeks and months after.

If only I could rewind time, tell MrVW to 🖕the weekend I turned up at his and got a sixth sense on arrival that it was all over, see whether I don't have any dreams or sad feels & I could report back here with the results of my studies 😂

@Ruralbliss thats actually a really bloody good insight. Boyfriends I've ditched myself, including my exdh I dont tend to think about at all!!! I was with exdh for over 20 years and yet I was pretty much over it after 5 months. Well, I'd stopped missing him, the damage is still clearly ongoing

Mr P has text this afternoon to ask if he can come and get me so we can spend the evening together.

Its interesting because of all the advice today I can see he is saying " the kids have gone, I'm lonely i need company ".
Not, you're amazing and I miss you come see me etc.
Is that a realistic expectation? I mean, its what I feel so is it too much to ask of someone else!!!

I replied and asked if he really is in the right place to have company, he said yes but dont expect him to be jumping for joy.
I know you're all going to be annoyed but I'm going to go. I need to be around him now my eyes are open to see how I feel ?
Does that make sense ?
Probably not

@Ruralbliss I prefer chatty too, but if they have a shorter message style I'll still chat. Although thinking back, all of the matches I've liked most in real life have been chatty during the initial messaging.

Thanks @bangheadhere40 and @SleepyBunk - good to know. I like to keep in touch, as I don't want people to think I've disappeared. And also it's nice to chat to build up a little excitement for the date. I always check in a day or so beforehand too just to make sure they haven't forgotten about me.

@WeWantTheFinestWines what is date zero? I've seen it mentioned a few times, but not been able to work out what it means. Is that like a pre-date before an actual meeting for drinks date?

Good news - positive match has messaged me, and is on for meeting next weekend! So she is now Miss Why, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed it goes well!

cat the way I'm using date zero is the first date when you're checking other out - sniff n smell n something else I've forgotten - to see if it was just online charisma or whether both parties want to meet again. So basically first date, but in true MN style it's got a special name now!

clover only you know what you need to do. Your head is hopefully in a better place to see him, and the RS, for what he, and it, really is. Just keep asking yourself what's in it for you. It has to be give and take, not just take.

Wow rural what exciting nights you have! It's definitely true that the ones we didn't want never loom large in our future emotional lives the way the the ones who didn't want us do.